4 years ago my mom had a series of strokes and totaled her car which precipitated a dementia diagnosis and move to memory care and hospice. As the only child, I have zero help managing her affairs (dad passed shortly before her accident). I am also maintaining her vacant home when I come for visits every 2-3 months. I was just kicking the can putting any decisions off thinking the doctor was right she would pass shortly. That never happened. I am left feeling split in two because I have responsibility to both households and a stressful job I have to meet by myself.
I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and if they felt isolated leaving their life behind to move closer to ailing parents. I should note that I'm only 39 and feel like I'd be losing my prime earning years if I move down there, since there are few career prospects where my mom lives. She does not want to move where I live. We also don't have the greatest relationship (never have) so I feel great resentment towards her. Her sisters give me grief for not doing enough. Of course they offer no help.
I just feel like this is an impossible situation with no good answer.
I agree with other comments to hire a care coordinator. She is too far away for you to be worrying about her.
Maybe society rules were more clear cut then - I don't know.
But I would say, using that model: Stay put. Sell Mom's house. Hire a local geriatric care manager. Seriously consider moving her closer to you depending on timeframe. Many more years like this? Yes. 6 months? No.
The broader, more general do/not do that you really need to hear from someone, though, is this:
STOP LETTING OTHER PEOPLE MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOU.
STOP SACRIFICING YOURSELF TO OTHERS' PREFERENCES.
You are in charge of your life and destiny. That other people have opinions and preferences on what is necessary for you to live a happy, healthy, stable, financially secure life is irrelevant.
E.g., your parents said they did not want you to sell their house for their care: SO WHAT. Neither of them is living in it any more, and it's a silly request anyway given the circumstances. You are not responsible for taking care of another person's home or responsibilities just because they are unable and don't wanna let something go. Your life is more important than another's ego, and it is no longer their decision to make. They no longer get a vote. You understand what their preference was when they were responsible; now YOU are the one doing the work and sacrificing. The decision is YOURS.
E.g., your mother's sisters wouldn't understand if you prioritize your actual life rather than maintaining the possessions and preferences of someone else: SO WHAT. Their opinions are not factors on which you should base your life's direction and security. Let them gripe to each other all they want; in fact, encourage them to do so so they'll leave you alone. If needed, stop taking their calls, block their emails, whatever. They do not get a vote. The decision is YOURS.
Had anyone's preferences up until you had to take over been so strong and so important that they were absolute requirements for some reason, then THEY would've handled putting things into place themselves so their preferences could be maintained on their own. Absent that, you must do what you need to do in order to prioritize your life and survival FIRST. After that, whatever preferences that can be accommodated can get worked in. But those first principles are undebatable. They are up to YOU.
I know realizing your autonomy and taking the reins is all way easier said than done. I've gotten my butt kicked having to make this realization myself, so I fully empathize. I'm often struggling in that regard. But what makes this forum extraordinary is the repeated reminders to stop letting other people's decisions and personal preferences determine YOUR destiny.
You are in charge. Act like it.
On a practical note, you don't need to go down there to hire local help for your mother. Call a few of the elder law attorneys in her area and ask them who they recommend in the area for geriatric care management and "concierge services." From their you can interview people remotely via phone, Zoom, etc. Local elder law attorneys are a great source because they regularly have to hire geriatric care managers for their own clients, so you've got a better chance of finding someone trustworthy faster and who has been vetted and licensed since their own firm's rep is also on the line.
You are in charge. Act like it.”
thanks for all your words in your message above, tidalblue. :) :)
you’re helping me. :) :)
I don’t have a lot of advice to offer BUT I wouldn’t move there.
My brother passed away overseas (which triggered Mums dementia). What I can say is that the whole process (funeral etc) was a 100 times more difficult as it was unfamiliar territory to me. I had no comfort zone, no car and I was emptying his place on my own and trying to navigate processes completely unfamiliar to me.
It was then that I said to Mum that if I were going to care for her, she would need to live with me because I wasn’t going through all that with her down the track overseas (she used to go back and forth between the countries since her retirement). I also wouldn’t have the same career prospects over there so it made sense for Mum to come to me instead.
Well,.. it’s better than her being overseas but as I said,.. it’s still damn difficult and I’m bottling a lot of resentment atm. Mum is on waitlist for aged care.
But if at all possible, have her move to you... not the other way around. It’s hard enough as it is!!!
Do you know the contents of her will? Is her house or the contents going to you or going somewhere else? What is the current state of her finances? Will you need to sell her house in order to finance her ongoing medical and housing bills?
Is the place that she is at, good for long term until death or will you have to move her somewhere else and potentially back into her home?
If you might need to use her house for her finances, you might want to sell it, or at least get it rented out. If you rent it out, get a property manager to find renters and take care of the property for you. If you have to clean it out first and there is stuff you want to keep, rent a storage unit and keep the stuff there. It is really hard to do this all by yourself. However, at some point you will have to do it anyway. If you rent it, try to get as much rent as it costs for the home upkeep, the property manager and the cost of the storage unit.
If she is living at a place that will not care for her until death or if you think her finances will not last until she passes, start looking for another place for Mom to move to that is within her budget.
You don't have to give up your life at 39, however, you can use this experience as training toward a career in management.
About her family...if you can, begin to isolate yourself from them, especially if you think they are not acting in the best interest of your Mom. If you think they are acting in the best interest and are just being "busy" bees, delegate some of your tasks to them and see if they can complete it. They might be able to provide you leads for property manager, accountants, real estate agents, caregiver agencies, etc.
Do you have guardianship?
If not, please pursue these options through a lawyer that specializes in elder law or family law near your mother. Then you can start making decisions on your mom's behalf that also work for you - move her to a memory care near you, sell or rent out her home... I would not move to be closer to your mom during this economy since you may not find a job that compensates you adequately for the time you have invested in your current position.
As for the rest of the family that doesn't help and only complains... taking matters into your own hands to make it work is doing a good job of caregiving.
I've sort of been waiting to see what happens with my moms health before I make permanent decisions.
I know Mom has cognitive issues and you are the main caregiver from far away. I also read that you are concerned about moving Mom near you due to her fragility.
my parents actually thrived once I moved them here. Dad just passed away almost three years after moving here and Mom is stable after almost two years on Hospice.
you definitely need to consider your life and balance it with Moms needs. I think you definitely need to consider what is best for you as well as Mom.
i had to sell my Moms house, they were hoarders. It was hard but in the end it end d up being better for them and for me. I could not keep traveling to them for every medical event
I did not move my folks to my area, they would have never agreed anyway, nor did I move back home. I made the long drive as needed, did what I could, got their finances and affairs in order.
As soon as I FINALLY got them placed in care I hired a local handyman with a truck. We cleaned the place out and I sold it AS IS in two weeks. The money paid for their care for the next few years.
You are far too young to let this derail your life. You must do what needs to be done for mom but just as important do what needs to be done for you as well. Don’t destroy your life out of some misplaced sense of guilt and obligation.
It’s really hard. I wish you the best.
Second: Ask M’s sisters to organise selling the house. Mother is clearly not going back to it, and ‘it isn’t the house or the furnishings I would want to live in anyway’. If they give you grief, come back with ‘I’ve asked for your help in selling the house. When are YOU going to help?’. If they oblige, it might even keep them busy enough to shut them up.
Third: Give your mother an option. If she stays where she is, you can visit over a weekend every x months. If she moves closer to you, you can visit every y days. Suggest that M checks with sisters, and finds out how often they will commit to visiting her in either place. You can talk to them about it yourself if you want. Mother might actually prefer to stay close to her sisters, and that may be a reasonable choice. But it doesn’t bind you.
It’s a balance for all involved. Don’t let the pressure be all on you. You shouldn’t consider making all the sacrifices because it would be ‘just lovely’ for other people, even M and aunties.
My mom is getting into later stages where she no longer benefits from frequent visits other than for me to manage her care quality. I don't think a move to where I live would benefit her, it would really be for my convenience. Plus she's too sickly to put on a flight or train (I don't drive)
I'm intrigued by the geriatric care manager idea and will try to investigate that on my next trip. That might take much of the pressure off since I rarely hear anything from the facility (and I've caught them in many lies about her status over the years since they know I live out of state. I never tell them when I'm in town to visit)
If you think visits are difficult, then I think you need to seriously consider moving your entire life, or attempting to move your Mom's. Just not a good idea either way. I would keep up the visits until Mom doesn't honestly know who you are, nor would miss seeing you. At some point that's a given. Check with her facility.
If you are POA you could also sell it, but that leaves you with the costs of staying somewhere when you DO visit as well as your airfare. My brother's situation somewhat like yours, but he had home and savings and was self pay, so no problem with renting out the trailer. We did sell it, however. Not long after that my bro died of an unrelated illness.
Good luck whatever you decide.
I just never expected this to carry on as long as it has. I could possibly keep the status quo going as-is until someone makes an issue of it or I have a nervous breakdown. I'm lucky to have a very generous boss and I use FMLA for my visits.
It's a mobile home so the insurance is manageable (yes they know she does not live there but all utilities and furniture is still there so technically not vacant).
I am able to work virtually when I visit but the maintenance needs are becoming more burdensome since it's an older home. I am able to cover the costs but really the time involved is getting to me.
I agree that moving there permanently would be a bad idea. I can handle managing her finances and care needs from where I live but the care manager sounds like an idea for someone to check in on her. Her sisters never visit her, go figure.
For her to move where I live would not work for eventual burial since she wants to be buried with my dad where she lives.
Mom's desire not to move closer to you does not equate to you giving up your life, family and livelihood.
Use the proceeds from mom's house to hire a geriatric care manager. Tell your aunties that your life matters and that if they want you more involved, then they need to convince their sister to re-locate.
The "desires" of the elder do not trump the needs of the employed.
Isn't homeowners insurance costing a fortune? Does that company know mom's house is sitting empty? And won't she at some point need proceeds from the house to pay for her care?
It sounds as if you are in a fortunate situation. Hire a geriatric care manager, aging life specialist, to check in on mom as needed. Plan a trip down there, get help lined up, to clean out her home. A good broker can help you find all the resources you need to get the house business burden of the past.
Why are you maintaining her house? Will it eventually have to be sold to pay for her care?