My Dad got dementia and suffered 9 LONG yrs. My Mom and I and my brother took care of him. He has been gone a year and a half now. Mom is 85, legally blind, can't hear and gets very confused. We live right next door to her, I am her primary person. She still lives in her house and can take care of herself for the most part, now here comes the whiny part. I'm so flippin’ tired. I had a disease 12 yrs ago and it damaged my spinal cord, stress is my #1 enemy. She can't understand that when she starts telling me do this, do that, I need this that and the other… sometimes it's just never ending. If I say anything I get barraged with ITS NOT MY FAULT I CAN’T SEE basically it’s not her fault anything ever. It’s like she feels like the whole world revolves around her. And absolutely no patience. Well I lost it today, the TV is so loud I have to yell for her to hear me then she screams don't scream at me and to be honest I screamed back at her. I'm so ashamed of myself for talking ugly to her but I'm also extremely exhausted! My brother works full time so it's 99% me. She is so lost and it breaks my heart. I would never put her in a care facility. I just need to stop letting her get to me. And in all honesty there is more good than bad but those rough times are HARD! She was always so independent and losing Dad and her independence has broken her heart. I pray constantly. Guess I've still got more to learn. We have always been more like Sisters and best friends that mother and child. Our lifestyle revolve around her and that's OK but sometimes I just want to run away from this situation. Sorry if I sound like I'm having a petty party, I'm not I'm just venting. I just miss my Mom the way she was.
I do however have to disagree with your statement where you said "I would never put her in a care facility." Why wouldn't you put her in one, if it's your health that's suffering from all the stress? Are you not just as important as your mom?
Your mom has had her life, and you deserve to have yours too, and if that means placing your mom in an assisted living facility where she will be around other folks her own age and have paid help looking after her, and where you can get back to just being her loving daughter and advocate, don't you think that would be worth it? I sure do, as you matter too in this equation.
And if you're unhappy in your marriage and with your husband only you can do something about that, as that is also stress added to your already stress filled life. Something has to give, before it's you that ends up sick or dead from all the stress.
Again, are you not worth it? Things for you to ponder.
Love isn't enough to sacrifice YOURSELF for, my friend. Mom needs hired help at home, at a bare minimum, and you need for either DH to get up off his laurels and pitch in to help you, or to hire help yourself. Merry Maids, in home delivery service for groceries, etc. While help comes in to care for mom, you go out to lunch with friends or get your hair done. Refilling your own patience tank by doing something for yourself ONLY goes a long way. Respite in the form of self care is a big requirement for caregiving, otherwise burn out and illness will happen.
Nowhere is it written you have to be the chief cook and bottlewasher for DH AND your mother, it's too much. What changes are you willing to make to ease your burden? That's the $64,000.00 question.
You need to think more about yourself and find ways to get a break.
As you said you won't consider AL, so what about a house cleaning services for your home, and a caregiver service to come hang with mom for like 4 hours a day 3 days a week, and those days you don't go to moms.
Something has to change, you can't do it all, No one can. Your health matters too! Many caregivers have many health issues, some day before the person your caring for dies. What good are you to your mom if your sick.
I know you won't consider AL, but please don't exclude that entirely, there very well may be a day that you can't do this anymore.
Sorry that didn't come out right.
One thing I learned, my elderly parents still thought of me as a person who was still in their 30's and 40's, not someone was who was also a senior citizen themselves. When I told them I couldn't possible do this or that, they looked at me like my hair was on fire. It wasn't easy to convince them that I don't do ladders any more, nor can I go to Home Depot to get 30 bags of mulch for their flowers.
We all have our breaking point. When my Dad needed help my Mom started grumbling. I told her flat out "it's not all about you, Mom". Actually it felt good to say that, and I know my Mom was surprised to hear me say something like that. Did it change anything, not really... (sigh).
I am not criticizing. I am saying that you have made a choice. You say that your mother has always been "like a sister". But she wasn't your sister. She was your mom. And now you are here directly experiencing the age changes that let you know that.
I am only afraid that you have realized you are a daughter, and not a sister/best friend at about the same time you have realized you are a caregiver as much as a daughter.
When we become caregivers we lose being the darling daughter. We are instead the caregiver. The one that watches over, takes care of, monitors, criticizes, guides, etc. And overall we aren't much loved for that. We are somewhat of the "adversary". The one who enters OUR home and tells US what to do.
I wouldn't worry overmuch about losing it. We all do that. Hubbies and wives, sisters and brothers, girlfriends, boyfriends, roommates. It's hard to live closely connected to another. Yes, it is companionship and love, but it's also compromise. And sometimes exhausting.
You seem to have no question in your mind but that you intend to be the caregiver. There will almost certainly come a time when mom cannot stay alone in her own home. That will present more decisions and I am wondering if you and hubby discuss this inevitability?
I sure wish you good luck. None of these decisions are easy ones. This can't be the first time you experienced this level of frustration and exhaustion. And if not you can choose to look upon these bad days as weather fronts that come and go. The problem is that the weather FORCAST isn't good. Try to face in your own mind what next steps may be.
You take good care. Don't worry about a scream or two. No one dies of them.
Why? Because you will feel like a terrible daughter for getting your mother the care she needs? You can’t give her the care she needs now as it is. Because unless you’re Jesus Christ himself, you can’t do it all for her. Nor can you make her happy or act more kindly towards you.
She is not living independently. You’re propping up that illusion.
This will not get better and you will continue to get worse. You love your mom but it appears she doesn’t love you as much. That’s on her.
Sorry to sound harsh, but you are in for a hard, debilitating, and possibly lethal road (as in you die before she does) until mother passes. That cannot be what you want, right?
Alternate idea: start looking at care facilities. Think about how much support they’d provide to you. Consider how much better off mom would be with a team of dedicated professionals to look after her. Picture her participating in many activities and outings with nice friends and caring aides.
Then reconsider. I hate to tell you this, but others can look after our loved ones as well - or better - than we can. Is it worth destroying your health and the life you could be having by refusing to place mom in a situation that’s better for both of you?
I also struggle to get time for "self-care" so I can feel restored. I hope you can take a little time to do the things that restore you. Sitting on my patio, listening to music or audio books and simple, healthy food prep that leads to healthy eating for my whole family are some of my favorite "breaks".
You need to take care of you as well ,
so you don’t end up needing care .
She either hires help or she goes to assisted living . Tell her those are her choices.
Don’t move Mom in with you . Don’t you live with her either .
When Mom is unsafe to be home alone , or this situation gets more difficult for you , place her in a facility .