I have one brother who lives in Florida...I and my mother are in N.Y. He says he can't take her in and I realize that I cannot do so either. She says that she refuses to go into a NH, nor does she have the assets to cover a NH. Or AL. What should we do and where might my mother be placed given the situation?
Have you spoken to her doctor about this?
Have you considered calling 911 so that she can get checked out?
Have any of you looked into getting her qualified for Medicaid?
Mother’s ‘refusal’ doesn’t work if she can’t get adequate care any other way.
As Barb says, check for a UTI about the hallucinations (I’ve bought a home preliminary check from the local pharmacy), and start finding out about Medicaid. If you ‘can’t bring yourself to follow through’, this might be the easiest way to begin. Knowing a bit more simplifies discussions later on.
Best wishes, Margaret
Your mom can be qualified for Medicaid which you do need to qaulify for and it can take some time. Start now getting the process going. By the time she gets qualified, you may find that placing her in a care facility is really what was needed all along.
One thing for sure: if you do nothing, then nothing will change.
Write out the suggestions given here. Draw a little circle beside each item.
Do ONE item each day. Just one. Trying to tackle a whole list is too daunting.
If I were making this list, I would start with ruling out a UTI.
After accomplishing an item on the list, color in the little circle that you’ve made next to an item. That step will help signal your brain that you’ve indeed made some progress. Maybe a different colored crayon for each item. Then, you’ll really see how far you’ve come.
It’s soooo difficult to start, when we’re feeling overwhelmed ourselves. But, you can do ONE thing.
We’re cheering you on. 🙂
But I think your very first step is to talk to her doctor and ask for an appointment --and accompany her to that appointment. Has mom given her doctors permission to discuss things with you? If not, you should have that done asap with each of them. You need to be in the loop. Her doctors can advise next steps for her and perhaps have knowledge of services in her area that can begin helping her now.
Go speak with an elder care attorney right away! I assume you filled out your profile accurately, stating your mother is 63 with dementia, incontinence, anxiety, hearing issues etc. I also assume she does not have a simple UTI and that things are further along than an antibiotic would fix. An EC lawyer will walk you through your options in terms of Medicaid, what her assets need to be to qualify in NY, and how to get her approved for long term care in a Skilled Nursing Facility. That's your first stop and your best bet, in my opinion.
You should go and see mom and spend some time with her, get her to her doctor for medication to help her with the hallucinations for now, and get the anxiety under control. You need to get an accurate appraisal of what exactly is going on. Being 3 hours away and having her begging you to go see her is a bad situation that needs attention. "Refusing" to go into a nursing home isn't open for discussion right now; her safety is the only thing that matters.
Once you get her calmed down, then you can sit down with the attorney and get your options sorted out, the information given to you, and plan in place moving forward. You can even hire someone to help you thru the Medicaid application process if you feel overwhelmed by it; I had someone lined up to help me for a cost of approx. $1500. She would submit the app and follow it thru the whole process FOR me. That's not necessary, but it does help with the stress of the whole thing. My mother wound up passing away before I had to apply for Medicaid on her behalf, and she was able to private pay her way in Memory Care Assisted Living for nearly 3 years beforehand.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have to deal with.