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Yes, I know it will be expensive, but we are blessed to be able to afford it. I am VERY concerned that my 95 year-old mother can no longer live alone, and although I live very close by (within a few blocks), it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to be at her house all the time! You might ask why I simply don't move her in with me, but it's not as easy as you might think. The main reason is that she smokes cigarettes, and my husband would not be able to tolerate a home with cigarette smoke. Although I love my mother dearly, I could not live with cigarette smoke either! You might also say that I should not buy cigarettes for her! I never.....let me repeat NEVER.....buy cigarettes for her. She is VERY adept and well-versed on her computer, and orders them online! They come to her door by FedEx, and she still has them delivered!! (There oughta be a law against this, but I suppose there is not)!! In any case, I'm rapidly becoming burned out, and my arthritis and spinal stenosis is making her care quite difficult for me. I go over in the morning, get her out of bed and dressed, give her breakfast, and then wheel her into her office, where she stays in front of her television and computer until I come back in the early afternoon. She is able to get to a nearby bathroom using her walker. Then, I go back over in the afternoon, do her housework, give her lunch, do the laundry, etc., etc., etc., and then go home to prepare our dinner. After we eat, I go back to her house, give her dinner, and get her into bed (she has a first-floor bedroom). It's a lot.....AN AWFUL LOT.....and it's taking its toll on me. Has anyone hired a nurse (not just a caretaker) who will provide regular in-home care? I'd appreciate any guidance you can provide!! Thank you!

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Why do you need a Nurse?
What you described a caregiver can do quite well.
If there were wounds to tend to, medications to be given then you might need a nurse (although hired privately you can instruct a caregiver to give medications)
And it is quite possible you do not need someone all day. Someone to come in a few hours in the morning to get her up, shower, dress and breakfast set up for lunch and then return to get dinner, get her ready for bed.
A caregiver would also do light housework cleaning, laundry.

**side note..I hope mom is not on oxygen**
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An RN is not actually trained in what Moms needs are. Now there are CNAs and LPNs that have taken on some responsibilities that RNs did years ago. RNs are trained to be more paperwork than hands on. They oversee the LPNs and CNAs.

What you describe are the responsibilities of a Certified Nurses aide (CNA) or a Home Health aide. There training is similar but a HHA I think is what your looking for.
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Definitely time to back off from doing so much, guarding your own health is vital. Nothing you’ve described sounds like nursing care. There are CNA’s who enjoy working in an individual homes, though the cigarettes may put off many applicants. Nothing wrong with telling mom you can’t do it anymore
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A home health aide or certified nurse aid is probably what you need, although the smoking might be a deal breaker. Given your mother's age, she shouldn't be left alone - what if she has a stroke or TIA while she is smoking and no one is there? It is a HUGE risk.
I hired a home health aide for my mother- there are many options available - you could have a day aide and then a night aide- probably finding someone who will live in full time might be challenging - also if they are living in, they will require their own bedroom and own bathroom. Find a very reputable company to hire through - you have more options and more legal protection that way,especially if you want the caretaker to drive your mother someplace. Know exactly what you want the aid/caretaker to do and be responsible for - spell it out, exactly and in detail.
When my mother had her caretaker, I provided detailed information. I.e, fixing lunches - and I would provide at least 5 different options for her to fix for mother. Everything was detailed - she didn't have to follow it to the T but it gave the parameters of expectations.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2021
If at 95 this woman is still a smoker and with it enough to use a computer and do online shopping for her cigarettes, then she's good.
The smoking won't be a deal breaker for a caregiver who smokes. It will be a rare blessing. When I was a smoker, I used to smoke with my elderly clients all the time.
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If your mother at 95 is with it enough to not only still be smoking, but also able to use a computer to order her cigarettes, then I say good for her and more power to her.
Your mom does not need a nurse. She needs caregiver service. Hire two people who will stay at her house. They can either split the week, or one can stay Monday thru Friday and the other can do the week-ends. Or your mom sounds like she's with it enough to not need a live-in. You can request a caregiver who will make two visits a day for her. I had a client like this for years. I worked for her in the mornings (helping her get cleaned up, dressed, and fed) then made a second visit in the evening (for supper, getting changed, some housekeeping, laundry, and put to bed). This could work as well.
Use a caregiver website like care.com and advertise that you're basically looking for someone who will do housekeeping, meals, and companionship.
Make it known that the house allows smoking and I guarantee you will get more people applying for the position then you can interview.
If I still smoked, I'd relocate and take it myself. I used to LOVE when I had smoking clients because the old smokers are always cool and fuss about anything. We'd drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. You advertise that the house allows smoking and you'll have no problem getting good help.
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Smoking is not a crime or against the law in any way, for petesake! Your mother is entitled to live life as she sees fit, at 95, and if that means she smokes cigarettes all day long and eats dessert first, so be it! 😁 You don't have to explain why you're not moving in with her, or she with you, I'm sure she'd like to keep her privacy as much as you would. Take BurntCaregivers advice and hire a caregiver or 2 for mom and call it good. Hopefully, she'll get some good companionship out of it and you'll get some well deserved rest. What you're doing every day is too much and you must be exhausted! You're a great daughter to be looking after your mother like this for so long, my hat is off to you!

Good luck!
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