I need advice again ☹️ regarding my family’s treatment of me after my spouse and father died.
Husband died of Alzheimer’s in January of 2023. My dad died 3 weeks ago. My daughter and parents who live close and my brother who resides in another state gave me no support during my husband’s illness or after his death. My son who lives with me and has a disability has a heart of gold and helps as much as he is able.
My daughter quit communicating with me 17 years ago after she refused to make the payments on my car that she was using and allowing her boyfriend to drive. She was residing in a home I owned and stole numerous items when she left. She is in cahoots with my mother. She won’t let my grandsons call me grandma. They can only call my mother grandma and refer to me by my first name. My mother has replaced me as her mother and they are secretive about their relationship.
My dad died 3 weeks ago, suddenly, at 88 years. He was an abusive alcoholic whom my mother hated. Now after his death she is acting like he was wonderful and my daughter, her husband and my brother are pushing me out of the family.
After I assisted with my dad's arrangements Mom isn’t getting in touch and is planning the holidays with my daughter and brother. My daughter is constantly with my mom and flaunting their relationship. She and husband stayed at Moms house 24/7 for one week and doing many things for her and she did not do one thing for me after my husband’s death. They treat my son terribly too. I suppose I won’t get an inheritance when the time comes and could use it too.
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We don't get to choose our family members but we do get to choose how much or little we interact with them. We choose our boundaries to protect ourselves and to ensure we aren't disrespected. You can't force someone to respect you... it is earned.
Honestly your last sentance is very telling: you seem worried prematurely about the inheritance. Chances are if your Mom lives long enough most of it will be used up for her care anyway. Don't bank on an inheritance at this point.
If you are struggling financially I recommend Dave Ramsey and his decades of proven financial knowledge and wisdom to get yourself out of your hole.
https://www.ramseysolutions.com
So why not get out of this dysfunctional family? It is by your OWN CHOICE that you stay within it and suffer as you are.
There are many children out there who would love your playing "loving grandma" figure to them.
There are many people our there in need of care.
This Thanksgiving how about making a lovely feast and taking it to people in need?
Stop being embroiled in this dysfunctional drama.
I really think we make our own choices in life. You have an ENTIRE FAMILY here who doesn't care about you and your son. I cannot, myself, imagine why you speak with them or bother to give them the time of day. Move away from them and make better choices in people you wish to be associated with.
through something similar.
Your daughter may come around, although this might take awhile.
The inheritance sounds as though it will be unfair, but out of your control. Focus on building the best life that you can.
All best.
You have written us before.
I have looked at responses and I find myself shuddering at you reading as it seems harsh. But the TRUTH is the truth, and you KNOW these things.
If you are in a family this dysfunctional then it is generational, and by staying you are passing this behavior as a norm of behavior on to your children. They will suffer it ongoing in their lives.
It takes TWO TO BICKER. In a relationship where one person is healthy then that person walks away and that's the end of it.
This is in your hands. Only you can move from a cruel family. No one else. And only you can make solid relationships your kids CAN/WILL admire. It isn't too late. But you may need help.
Consider a good cognitive therapist. A real one. Online is nonsense. They aren't paid or qualified and its easy to tell that at once.
Only you can change your life. No one here will change. You must do the changing.
Thank you for the wake-up call. I must have been hanging on to the belief that they might change. I should know better by now.
Who cares who's doing what for the holidays and who's calling who grandma or not? You need to get a life and start making new memories with friends and your son, and not care about what the rest of your dysfunctional family is doing.
It's time to step as far away as possible and just let the chips fall where they may.
And it would be a perfect time to start a new Thanksgiving and Christmas tradition for you and your son, whether it's helping out at a soup kitchen, delivering meals on wheels, or having a "Friendsgiving" at your house for those closest to you.
Your late husband would not want you wallowing in your self pity about your relationships with your daughter and mother, but would want you moving on in a healthy manner and just making the most of every day as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow as you well know.
So start planning now what fun things you and your son are going to do to bless others for the upcoming holidays.
And make your husband proud.
When two or more of your family members don't speak to you and one of them is your own child, the problem is you.
Do yourself a favor and stop competing with your daughter for your mother's affection. She can love both of you. You and your daughter are not siblings and there shouldn't be such rivalry between the two of you about who does more for grandma or who may potentially inherit more. That's ridiculous. You are your daughter's mother. Start acting like it.
Try to let go of the hard feelings towards your brother because he wasn't supportive to you. Your husband is gone now. Your brother is not. Let it go.
My friend, seek out therapy because a good therapist will help you learn how to be honest with yourself. The way you're saying here is a dead give away of a person who is living in denial and not being honest with themselves.
There's a reason or several why your daughter has replaced her own mother with her grandmother and your own grandkids call you by your first name. If you ever want to heal your family, it's high time you stopped talking and starting listening. I mean really listening to your daughter, brother, and mother. Stop being a martyr worrying about potential inheritance and petty squabbling about your daughter doing more for her grandmother than for you. Really, stop or you will lose your family forever.
It's going to be Thanksgiving soon. Reach out to your daughter and your mother. No complaining, no bringing up past grievances and squabbles. No expectations, just reach out.
I too have a disfuctional family, they all picked an abusive ex husband over me. So I went my own way for about ten years, then my dad passed and I stupidly got sucked back in to be the pee-on in the family.
This forum has helped me see the error of my ways.
I still do some for mom, but nothing like I was. I will say the day mom is gone I will walk, and I don't want even a rock from her home. It's all theirs!!!!
I think you really need some counseling to figure this out. It's years and years of pain and hurt.
Please do yourself the enormous favor and stop being caught up in this family drama. Stop trying to gain information on anyone and don’t listen to anyone discussing it. Leave it all behind, no more expectations of an inheritance (none of us should be counting on one) no more worry over who’s doing what to whom, who’s in cahoots with whom, none of it. Focus on your own future, building a life with people who bring positive things, planning for your finances (totally agree with Geaton on Dave Ramsey, great financial advice) and doing activities that bring you joy. Perhaps one day this may all be mended, but all this focus on it is only making you unhealthy and unhappy. Let it go….
Alzheimer's since his diagnosis since 2019. Of course it has progressed since then. He is 79 and I am 68. I have always
had a rocky relationship with my daughter.
Last May, she was visiting with her latest
boyfriend (there have been many) and my
granddaughter who I have always been very close to since she was born. She is going to be 14 in Dec. Things have been
so twisted with us since the boyfriend because she told him I was a bad mother
for some strange reason. I was a single mother raising both my son and daughter
by myself. There father abandoned them
at a very young age. I was trying to repair
whatever relationship we had left in the
past couple of years since I have gotten older and my husband got sick. In May
she turned on me and the boyfriend would
not even let us try to speak to each other
so we could fix it. I believe he is controlling
her, so I just decided it is not worth it anymore. I had years of heartache with her. Threatening me all the time, that I
couldn't see my granddaughter. I'm over
it now. I love her, but I have alot on my plate taking care of my husband. So we do
what we have to do in life and hope for the
best. Good luck with everything.