My mother has always been a very difficult, selfish person. The short version is that she was violent and abusive with me. However, she presents herself to others as though she is a lovely person (which is not to say that I am the only person who knows the ugly side of her - anyone she sees very often eventually learns to get away from her). She lies to everyone about everyone, but people seem to think they are the only one she doesn't speak badly about, and they seem to believe her lies. In the result, everyone hates everyone else. I've heard her lie to people about me.
I'm a kind person, and I'm generous as far as I am able. About six months ago she roped me in again. I should have known better as that was about the 24 time! She moved herself to a nearby town (an hour away). I found myself driving in weather I considered to be unsafe to do things for her (take her meals, etc.). I had to buy new tires for my vehicle which I wouldn't have had to buy otherwise. Meanwhile, she gave $40,000 to a grandson, and $20,000 to another granddaughter. She's now giving her another $20,000. She's 95. She has me in her will to receive her junk after everyone chooses what they would like to have (which she is giving to them now). She has $60,000 in a joint account with me, which is there for me to take care of things should I need to (her things - it isn't for me). She sometimes gives me some money for gas, and sometimes for groceries. But, it doesn't cover my expenses, and I (sadly) have more debt than I should at my age, so I don't have money to spend on her. Most of this money is going into accounts for the education of great-grandchildren. Meanwhile, she flatly refused to help me in any way. I didn't go to university until age 37, because that's when I was able financially. When my student loans were paid off, I retired (sort of like that). This money she's giving, she told my cousins in front of me how she believes in education and that's why she is doing this. She said to them that she pestered me for many years to go to university, and finally I did (not remotely),
I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her. She was suppose to be getting meals and housekeeping where she is, but doesn't like the meals or meal times, and complains about the housekeeping so that they refuse her. She hates meals on wheels I arranged, and another meal service. So, I've been cooking for her so that she has several meals a week from me. She won't tolerate home care. I drive there to take her to appointments sometimes, or shopping. (Costs me $35.) She takes shocking risks. I've had to go there a couple of times for emergencies. She has four other kids, 3 of whom I cared for for a few years until I was apprehended to foster homes and group homes. She's completely estranged from two, and pretty much from the other two. I'm the only one (and I mean the only one of children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc.) doing anything, and she is slagging me all over the place.
So, here's the thing: She tells her daughters their husbands are bums (they aren't) and don't bring them around. "You're welcome to come but not with them." She's trashing grandchildren's spouses. I don't have a spouse or children. (Big surprise.) But I do have a dog. She's now told me she likes me to visit and bring meals, but don't ever bring my dog again, and went on to slag the dog, etc.. I could go on and on about this and make it sound a lot worse (and it is).
So ... Go! I know the answer, I guess. I just need to hear it from others right now.
(There's a reason "the good die young". It's because the ugly ones get their stress out bashing everyone around them and the good ones worry and fret about stuff.)
I have one question for you:
At what age do you consider you are allowed to say no to your Mother?
Walk away, let her figure it out. If that is too big a step than start to only support, her in ways that are easy for you. At that point she will either decide she wants external support and meals. She won't change so you need to, or accept it.
In answer to your question, I'm 71. Kinda seems like now or never. Unlike her who has dumped her stuff on everyone else, I've carried around a lot of troubles because of her, and I don't imagine I'm going to live to be 95. I'd like to get back to my own life. Maybe she can find another chump, or not ... She's given 80$ to her two grandchildren, and has another $200 thousand slated to go to them. That doesn't leave much. She's got $60 thousand and very minimal pensions to live on. So maybe they or their mothers need to look out for her.
But in your case I see no obligation at all
Maybe as she is your mom you do feel some naturally ingrained obligation, I dont know
But I would run away and let her and her other kids deal with her.
Why do you think you should be doing anything for her, aside from arranging for her to be in a good facility at her expense?
Is this self-perception why you have allowed yourself to become enslaved?
So you're doing her meals, and she's refused housekeeping. Are you doing that, too? What's the plan for when she can no longer live at home? I'm sure HER plan is for you to move in with her. Is that what you are going to do?
What if she needs a facility? Since she's gifting her grandchildren right and left, that might mean a big penalty if she tries to qualify for Medicaid to pay for a NH.
I think you have a good idea -- let the grandchildren (and their mothers) take responsibility for her. Are you her POA? HCPOA? If so, resign these assignments immediately.
"But she has already made enough of my life very, very hard. I'm not going to give her my later years as well."
You wrote this back in December. What have you changed since then?
As someone who has watched my own spouse participate in sharing caregiving responsibilities for a father who was abusive (and frankly still is) during his childhood, adolescence, and early young adulthood, I am going to give this to you straight. NO ONE has any business taking care of their abuser. You say that you have come back @ 24 times and I believe that number, because you were probably conditioned to do so.
You mention foster homes and that your other siblings have cut ties. Anytime I hear things like this, I recognize that the person likely had it even worse than my husband (boggles my mind but there you have it). This is an unhealthy dynamic for you and the only healthy and safe thing is for you to get as far away as possible and not look back.
She is NOT going to change. She clearly glories in buying people and their loyalty. As we say about my FIL, "They are a lying liar that lies" and "If their lips are moving they are lying".
Stop this madness. If she needs help, it sounds like there are plenty of people around that can help, with their hands out.
And if you are like my SIL, I'm going to give you my heartfelt advice. She worries constantly about what EVERYONE ELSE will think about her if she doesn't do right by her father - what a terrible perception of her they will have. For years the family secret (his abuse) has been protected. In fact, I think my BIL and I (and then our own families, BIL's mother and my mother) have been the only people outside of MIL, DH and SIL (and FIL of course who denies it ever happened) that knew anything about the abuse. Everyone else seemed to think that FIL was just this charming man.
But over the years the façade has broken. I've noticed (before his mobility got so bad and he became homebound before finally ending up in a nursing home), that other people began to drop like flies. They began to avoid him like the plague. They saw him for what he was (which is a narcissist, but that's another whole story). Plenty of people just don't like him.
But my SIL worries constantly about what other people think. She is always saying "They must think I'm a terrible daughter". THAT is from years of HIM in her head. I see DH do it all the time. I will literally tell him "Tell your dad to get out of your head now please. You know that isn't true." when he is badmouthing himself or down on himself.
I've also told her this. "Who cares what other people think? So what if you walk away and let other people take care of him? You've done your time. He never took care of you. He is still terrible to you. So what if people don't know that? WE know that. And who are these other people that matter so much? Do THEY matter to you? Or just their opinions?"
To quote Dr.Seuss. "Those who matter don't mind. And those who mind don't matter."
You get to call the shots now, not some entitled 95 year old who tells you to jump and you ask "how high, mother"? Look after yourself now, at 71, before she outlives you and there's no "inheritance" to pick thru. It's okay to do that, in fact it's long overdue. And you know it.....so put a plan into action and quit allowing yourself to be a doormat! You deserve a better life. Let the abusive behavior stop TODAY by saying I'M DONE.
Good luck to you.
Time to back out of the picture, get some therapy if needed, do it now, no more dilly dallying around.
You stepped back into her life to help her.
The only reason I found in your post is "I'm a kind person, and I'm generous as far as I am able".
So now you are cooking, cleaning, driving & more for Mom.
So what's actually the problem?
Stop letting her abuse you. Walking away is completely okay. It doesn't mean you are not a nice person.
I would be using her money from that joint account to reimburse myself for every penny I have spent on her. It is by law your money too, that's what a joint account is, joint.
I'm not clear what happened or when, but if there were five of you children altogether, and you were looking after three of them, and your mother was violent and abusive: is this adding up to a lady with a lifelong history of major problems and the family wreckage that goes with it? It sounds as if the five of you have come well out of it somehow, because it takes grit and fiber to get yourself educated, married, raise children after experiences like that.
I know you already know the answer to statements you've made such as "I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her." But what it boils down to is this. It isn't for you to consider her options, it's for her to do so, and what you have to do is stop being an option. Which involves saying no - at least to anything you aren't freely willing to undertake. Get whatever support, therapy, back-up you need to be able to do that. To stop being afraid of her.
This. So important. Kindness does not mean obey.
Kind people are kind to themself too.
Most people avoid people they don't like. That's natural human instinct for our own protection.
I would suggest a Licensed Social Worker in private practice or GOOD psychologist, one who will help you form boundaries. One who will shake up your habitual ways of thinking.
The last thing you need is another "listener" on a Forum or anywhere else who will sympathize with the sad stories. That's lovely, but it doesn't help anything.
Wanting what works for you and wishing you the best.
I wish you the best.
I pay a $15 a week co-pay with my Licensed Social Worker.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging to find a Women's Mental Health Organization that can help you find a therapist who accepts Medicare.
You say “I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her”. What other things would she ‘forbid you to’ do (I hope to stop splitting infinitives). You can do anything legal that you want to do. You have no need to do extras to make up for things she ‘doesn’t like’. If she doesn’t like what she is buying, she should check what else is available. If she wants alternatives, she can arrange them if she can afford them and can fix them. It isn’t down to you to cope with this. If anyone ‘forbade me to do’ something within my rights, like ‘considering ANYTHING), the relationship would take a very quick dive.
Oh goody, she won’t tolerate home care. So she can clean up after herself. And ‘love me, love my dog’? Actually I’m on her side there, but can’t the dog stay on the balcony?
For pity’s sake, use your brains. Look after yourself! Love Margaret!
"Just treat it as one of many possible points of view, which may be appropriate for some people." You're right.
https://www.firstsession.com/resources/therapy-provincial-healthcare-canada#:~:text=There%20are%20government%2Dfunded%20or,ensure%20your%20costs%20are%20covered.
If you tell us what province you're in, we may be able to help better.
However, there is a place here where I went for help while I was working. I had a really difficult job (workers' compensation work). At the time, my work medical covered the counseling, and my earnings were such that I could afford any additional expense. I recall that they offered a "sliding scale". I will contact them tomorrow.
I did talk to someone this evening in a provincial government service (BC). It seems that they are well aware that resources are directed to the homeless addicted, and she had no knowledge of resources for others.
In my 30s, I did see a psychiatrist for quite a while. A kind of talk therapy that never had any real goals. Nevertheless, it did get me passed some of my difficult memories, and I credit that time with how I was eventually able to go to university.
Right now, I feel like I mostly just need to find a way to accept that I've spent my life doing the best I can for her and she's just outlived my ability to keep doing that in spite of her cruelty. One can forgive some things, but when they just look at you and smirk and do it some more, it's time to accept I'm just a messed up person if I don't walk away. Maybe if I'm not available for her to be this way with, others will see a side of her that makes them wonder if I'm the putz she claims ... I can dream, can't I? :-)
Sorry Mom.. the dog is here. If you want the dog to leave, then, I need to leave as well....
People tell me that I need to start affirmations in the morning. Something positive. Maybe tell mom, if you say anything negative about siblings and spouses, I will need to leave. So, mom, lets say something nice about them . Oh, by the way, here is your sandwich.
And if you are joint on the account.. Take out a bit for gas etc. It's too bad she couldn't move closer to you. or maybe not.
Have a read of this article.
Sometimes we benefit from taking the time & space to reflect. To ask ourselves:
What am I doing?
Why am I doing this?
Is this good/healthy for me?
Personally, I would put her in an adult Foster care and shake the dust off my feet but, I would be getting paid top dollar if I decided not to treat her like she deserves and continued doing for her.
Knowing she will be paying, against her desires, would make me the slowest cook ever. Like that stew at 75.00 a bowl lady?
In part, that's the money she's now giving to grandchildren who have never done a thing to help her in anyway.
It's a weird story, but her cousin and her husband were found in a bad way in Washington State (both with severe dementia and very ill). Somehow my mother was tracked down in BC, and drawn in while guardianship was arranged and the cousin was established in a dementia care home. She has a history of swooping in to relatives homes and stealing stuff. (The husband died.) Her cousin had avoided my mother for years and would never have consented to having my mother in her home.
Now that I'm thinking about the cousin-thing, it's no wonder I suddenly feel resentful! Thank you for your post. On it's own, I found it helpful. However, now that I've remembered the cousin-thing ... That gives me a different way to think about the way my mother is behaving with me.