We came home to find her sitting on the floor, no injuries, she said she fell but no explanation. We texted her that we were on the way home and she answered so she supposedly fell after that, about 10 minutes. Hasn't fallen in years, but we also haven't gone anywhere in years.
Ive been here on AC for about 5 years. It always amazes me that no matter how bizarre the situation may be - someone here has also experienced it. But, yours is the first other Falling on Purpose post I’ve seen. Yes, my mother “fell” on purpose. Why?
Its a long, complicated story about a complicated woman but I’ll try to be brief.
After a three week say in rehab my mother was moved from a IL apartment into an AL apartment. In the first ten days my mom fell twice. The AL admin said her “needs were to high” and that I needed to move her out. They agreed to give me time to find a good NH as long as an outside, licensed paid caregiver was with her.
So, that’s what we did. The process took about two months - due to my brother but that’s another story. My mom loved having the caregiver- both for companionship and seeing to her every want and need. Mom would have been THRILLED to live like that for the rest of her life but her outliving her money to pay for it was a concern. At least, for me. Mom had given away a huge chunk of change to “charities” - but that’s another story - and Medicaid wouldn’t have been an option for years.
Anyhoo - eventually, off to the NH mom went. A VERY nice, newer, private, boutique NH I might add, that mom hated before she ever got there - but that’s another story. Mom HATED the NH and wanted her 24/7 servant...err... caregivers back. What’s a gal to do, right?
Mom figured that since falling was
what got her 86’d from AL - falling would get her kicked out of the NH as well. Did I mention moms dementia? But, that’s another story.
It didn’t take long for mom to get busted falling on purpose. The give away was the time she had taken a pillow and blanket to be more comfortable on the floor while she waited to be discovered by some poor CNA.
After some time AND a visit to a Geriatric Psychiatrist along with a medication overhaul - the falls stopped. There was also a “Fall Plan” implemented by the NH which was very restricted in terms of allowing my mom to be alone in her room - a plan mom HATED. But together, it all stopped the falls.
Many months later...
Mom would forget that she was - by this time - wheelchair bound and she would get up in an attempt to walk. Mom wouldn’t really fall - it was more of a slow sinking to her knees as she hung onto something. Unable to get herself back up - that’s how they would find her. They would walk into her room and my mother would immediately snap “I didn’t fall. I was praying” in fear the dreaded Fall Plan would be reimplement.
You gotta laugh sometimes. Laugh or cry... but that’s another story.
I wish you the best of luck!
So, if your instincts are telling you that she faked it, she might have. On the other hand, as I said, she might just have been truly disoriented and scared from being alone, and felt faint, and took a tumble. Fear is a very real problem for elders. Their fear seems to be linked to them doing many strange things they wouldn't have in the past, and also can cause them to have panic attacks.
She also does this thing where she'll tell you she's been vomiting non-stop for hours, and you'll find her with a small basin in her lap---BUT no evidence of any vomit--place doesn't smell of it, the basin is dry, I actually took it from her hands once and it wasn't just dry, it was DUSTY.
She just craves attention, always has. Sadly, even though we have a huge family, she sees very few of us. She won't call just to chat--even tho any of us would enjoy a pleasant conversation. She cannot use her cell phone and YB won't reconnect her old landline. She doesn't want her 'problems' solved--she wants to complain.
My husband dropped everything he was doing, drove over there to find his dad on the carpet outside the bathroom. He assists him up and asks what happened. No real explanation besides "I fell while peeing" and no injuries not even red knee caps. His pants were all zipped up and the toilet was flushed, odd considering he said he fell while peeing!
Anyway, that was the first and last time my husband went to pick his father up off the floor. He told him to use the red button because that's what he pays all that money for at indy living. After that, the caregiver started coming 5 days a week.
Both my husband and I believe he fake "fell" to get attention. He now has 2 shifts of caregivers 7 days a week despite not actually needing that much help. I think he's afraid to be alone. Yet he did not avail himself of most of the activities at indy living pre-pandemic. His money is running out.
The only downside to checking out this hunch would be if she manages to actually hurt herself while acting ( some famous actors have been hurt while working). Seriously though, it’s a good idea whether she’s faking or not; you could gain peace of mind while out on some well-deserved breaks.
The last time he fell, sister in law and her husband, who live with him, had come to visit us. As FIL is unable to access our home because of several stairs, and he is capable of staying home for several hours alone, he was home. SIL/BIL and our family had just finished dinner and were getting ready for dessert when my husband's phone rang. He started off normal conversation for several minutes and then told him what happened. So he fell, in the floor, his phone beside of him and he told DH he was on his back. We stayed on the phone with him the entire time it took for SIL/BIL to get back to him. He had somehow flipped over while on the phone with DH (another clue, as he is like a turtle when he is on his back, he cannot roll over) and is now on his stomach, head near the bed. There was no sound of huffing or puffing or movement, which is also his signature especially on the phone because it brings the question "are you ok" repeatedly.
While on the phone, since this was not the first time and we saw the opportunity since he said his knee hurt, we told him when they got there an ambulance would be called and he would be transported because he really seemed to need evaluation. 2 times in the previous several weeks he had experienced "soft falls" and since he is two-person assist the fire department always has to come. So this time they transported and he went to rehab after the hospital. When COVID-19 illicited the stay at home order in our state I had a long talk with father in law (not the first time I've had similar talks with him when his convenient falls would not bring him what he was looking for) that he didn't want to have to call an ambulance for anything short of a real emergency right now because they wouldn't likely transport to the hospital (he LOVES it there) and if they did we would not be allowed to visit for the duration. Not a single fall. I know that he could legitimately fall. But we can see the signs when he is ramping up for a health crisis of his own making and in general it helps if we head him off. Another time we did this was when my mother and my brother in laws mother were both having surgery around the same time and our attention was naturally diverted. I told him if he had anything short of a real emergency he was going to be on his own. As soon and I do mean the day that my mother and BILs mother were ok to be on their own guess who called to say he was in the ER....for a cold ( they sent him home). So we know he has control over a number of these events. We take them all seriously because anyone of them could be. But we can definitely tell the difference now.
TL:DR story- yes we believe father in law stages "safe" falls when he isn't getting enough attention because it gains everyone including first responders on a non-emergency call.
Last time he had a cold. Called the GP out 3 times. Called an ambulance a few times. All said "no you're fine". He was convinced he should be in hospital because he was "so ill"
Lo and behold, next day hes fallen, banged his head and ended up in hospital. Got what he wanted of course. Even the hospital admitted the wound was very suspect - it looks like he basically opened the cupboard door in the kitchen and scraped his head along the bottom a bit. His story was he'd forgotten he'd left it open and walked into it.
Total fabrication. Hes done this 2-3 times now. Last time I didnt even rush to the hospital to see him.
Trouble is I'm in the UK so all healthcare is free so no issues there. Also, I guess the health professionals err on the side of caution and take him in regardless and he knows this.
In the past, he has been banned from calling out the GP and the ambulance service did take 6 hours to come last time. They've got his card marked I think.
Paramedics I think are pretty close to 100% sure its a fake when they refuse to take him to hospital.
I've said this a number of times - hes cried wolf so many times I'll probably find him dead in his chair one day and I'll be like "Oops he was ill this time". I've made my peace with that - its his fault. I can't spend my life running back and fore 20 miles each time 1000 times just in case its not fake this one time.....
I live with my mom who will be 89 in a few weeks. I lived out of state for a 5 months last year And it wasn’t easy. She can’t hear and refuses to wear hearing aids she paid $5K for, so I never knew if she was sleeping through the phone ringing, if she did fall in the shower, or if she wasn’t with us anymore.
And as if that wasn’t enough stress, I’m constantly told “you never do anything around here...”
Right now, I’m relieved I never had children of my own. I have one now. I do wonder who will care for me when that time comes.
If your assessment IS correct, then her behavior may well be a cry for attention but you must be careful about buying into it. Perhaps suggesting a visit to her doctor to diagnose the problem will encourage her to rethink her behavior. And if there is a valid reason for her fall, then an attempt at diagnosis is definitely in order.
A frank discussion to reassure her that you love her and are there for her even when you are not physically present can never be a wrong move. Give her some slack – getting older is tough. It'll happen to you someday. It happens to us all--it's a relentless process. Aging ain't for sissies!
My 94 year old Mom has fallen (even with using her walker) and had no injuries. I know she didn't fall on purpose, she is older and doesn't have the balance she used to have. My Mom still tries to be independent because her entire life she was independent. She uses an electric heating pad and sometimes the plug comes out of the socket and instead of calling me to plug it back in she tries to do it herself, loses her balance and falls on the floor. Again, no injuries so far. I think I will duck tape the plug in.
Again, I would need more information regarding your MIL before I could give you my opinion.
Jenna
I know it might seem strange, but my Mom’s been gone a few years, and I wish I had more videos and pictures of her last years; even though she had Alzheimer’s, bits of her humor and personality would pop out here and there.
Another is that if it's due to dementia, then she is liable to be put in a facility for dementia (where she would belong), but if it is fake, then she may end up in such a facility but not like being there! It's like the small child claiming s/he's too sick to go to school, so the parents say s/he'll go to the doctor to get a shot to treat the sickness.
Have you installed "nanny cams" in the house to monitor her safety? You might consider doing this. Put them up high, such as near the ceiling, so she cannot reach them - and might even forget that they are there. (Out of sight, out of mind.)
I am not a fusser type person. It feels fake, and my dad was never that way with me. I simply tell him how expensive a nursing home is and if he wants to stay at my house here is what he needs to do. Straightforward works for some people.
faking a fall is quite possible, but if they get consequences they don’t like they are less likely to fake things.