I try to get things organized for my father with dementia, then he goes and undoes all of my work. Anyone else with this problem?
My father has dementia. He has good days where he can function and he has bad days. My father's Doctor retired, so I found a new Doctor, made the appt. for January (trying to make sure he has enough meds until then). Today he tells me “I’ve changed insurance plans. They told me about a different better plan so I went with it.” I said dad your Doctor appt. is coming up and they may not accept the new plan. How will you get your meds? You may not be able to get in with another Doctor in time. He said oh, I didn’t think about that (I’m thinking I know that’s why I’m organizing things for you). Or when he constantly tells me his computer broke he can’t get in because he forgets his passwords. I made a list of all of his passwords but he goes and changes them and now I do not know what they are and we have a hard time trying to figure out what some of them are. It’s so frustrating because it constantly happens and it places so much extra stress on me. He can’t remember that I have everything organized for him and he still wants to do things himself but it doesn’t work out so well. Yet I’m not sure if he would be labeled incompetent if he still has good clear days. What do I do? Anyone else with this problem?
18 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Mom has dementia. How do I answer her questions?
- Grandma says hurtful things then sleeps and forgets everything she said when she wakes up. Has any other caregiver experienced this?
- My Mom doesn't know that she has dementia/Alzheimer's. Should I tell her that something is wrong?
- Any tips for dementia rummaging and throwing things away?
Your father is going to do things his way, period. Some people with dementia will rummage through their bedroom drawers, pulling everything out and tossing the items all around the room. You'd go in there, put it all away, fold it nicely, he'd come in and do it AGAIN. It's all part of the mind that no longer works properly.
You'll have to either take over FOR him with his paperwork ie: Medicare/ finances/bills, etc., or he will continue to wreak havoc by making changes he's not even aware he's making. What sort of 'better' insurance plan was he talked into, I wonder? Do you know? And how much extra are the monthly premiums? THIS is where dementia decisions can get a person into deep trouble. What about when the con artists call to get a 'donation' from him? Then what? This is why managed care becomes necessary for so many elders with dementia; because they can no longer make ANY rational decisions b/c they don't understand consequences anymore.
As far as the computer goes; I have a Lenovo Idea Center desktop; it stores all my passwords for me so I don't have to remember them. That may be a helpful thing for your dad, IDK. But the computer itself can become an issue if he can make purchases on it with his credit card/debit card from sites that are not secure, etc.
There's just so much trouble the demented elders can *and do* get themselves into without 24/7 monitoring, it's unbelievable. As time goes on, you'll have to think about taking over more and more of your dad's life FOR him, as he won't be able to manage too much on his own. You'll be there to clean up the messes he makes in the meantime.
Such a difficult situation, I know. I'm sorry you're in this position and my heart goes out to you. Wishing you the best of luck trying to manage dad and all that goes with his diminishing abilities. You may have to consider a Memory Care Assisted Living eventually, if/when the need arises. My mother lives in one and is very well cared for there.
Out of sight, out of mind - maybe not right away, but eventually.
If formally assessed by a geriatrics trained examiner, he could in fact be identified as incompetent, or perhaps not, but his ability to appear socially appropriate in verbal interactions isn’t necessarily directly related to being able to organize, recall, utilize previously familiar facts.
My grandmother and aunt both suffered from vascular dementia, and fought desperately, we ultimately learned, to maintain the appearance of “normalcy” while battling their increasing struggles with the loss of the language/higher order skills needed to deal with daily life.
For your peace of mind, see if his doctor will recommend an evaluation of his current cognitive status. Once you know, it will help you to be able to provide him with more support while being less frustrating for yourself.
There’s not much we can do, except care for ourselves to relieve the stress our minds are under. Praying for all caregivers.
I have come to realize, as a caregiver, that a cognitive assessment performed by someone with training in geriatrics can be a powerful and comforting tool when dealing with decision making for our Loved Ones.
I will be asking my children to have such an assessment done if/when they have any question about my husband and me, and act accordingly.
Perhaps your father was no longer capable of making the decision he made; perhaps he decided with more clarity than you were aware he still had, it either way, if you and your sister are pulling more than your fair share of what should be your parents’ responsibility, there IS something out of balance.
You may have to back out completely before you can figure out whether this will work for a while FOR ALL OF YOU, and that may be unmanageably difficult for you all, in one way or another.
No easy answers, no “good” choices. Be SURE that you and your sister are fighting for YOUR right to time and space, with “love and respect” for your parents and enough distance for yourselves.
I do not know if either of these options will work to help with some of the password issues, but it may be something worth looking into. https://www.howtogeek.com/111239/the-best-ways-to-lock-down-your-multi-user-computer/
https://www.top-password.com/blog/prevent-windows-10-users-from-changing-password/#:~:text=Click%20on%20the%20Users%20folder,labeled%20User%20cannot%20change%20password.
I wish you the best and hope that the links I provided can help solve part of your problem with password stuff.
As long as she keeps everything in her bedroom i don't care what order it is in.
I found out that by doing that she redoes her room a least once a week and she
thinks she has control over her stuff. Let it be and give them something to do.