I want so badly to ignore my anger when my mother triggers me, does anyone have techniques to help?

i have a very similar mother that is 90 years old and you are not alone! It is extremely difficult to not react, I have tried just to respond calmly and then walk away. I have also tried the response of “I am only trying to help you”. I can only guess that they hate having to rely on others and feel that they are losing their independence! But I too would appreciate any tips besides wearing headphones!

EP,

Just thinking about your line about being a brain surgeon. Hahaha, I bet a lot of people feel as you do.

It’s impossible not to be frustrated because of your close living quarters. It’s totally different for someone who doesn’t live near their parent and experience the day in and day out torture.

Naturally a person won’t get as frustrated if they only see their parent once or twice a year.

I find it’s when the stress becomes chronic from frequent visits or living with their parents that it escalates into being unbearable to cope with.

I’m glad that you are setting boundaries. That helps. Overbearing behavior is so annoying. It’s a personality trait. Short of your fantasy of performing the lobotomy on your mom, I have no idea what the answer is other than therapy for you to learn coping techniques.

Honestly, I feel after years of dealing with tough situations we sort of become desensitized to it. One day you may find yourself numb to it all.

It’s tempting to be sarcastic and suggest the following listed below:

Wear earplugs

Skip town

Tell her that you have made an appointment with a brain surgeon for her to fine tune her personality!

I apologize for my sarcasm. I realize it’s a real problem and it’s driving you crazy.

So sorry that you have this aggravation in your life. Best wishes to you.

Your Mom and you have formed a pattern of response. It is a matter of breaking the pattern. You are halfway there, because you RECOGNIZE the pattern. So it is now a matter of "practice can make perfect". Keep yourself a diary, and each time you go wrong, write the correct response. "You look nice" gets a "Thanks, Mom, so do you" as though you completely misunderstood the sarcasm. When you get it right, congratulate yourself. Your mind forms brain "paths" very easily. Soon enough you will be giving yourself more high fives. Good luck. I so well remember when I sought help for dealing with my own "caregiver mode" that was impossible to turn off and overwhelming my life in all relationships. That's just how I did it. It would be:
Daughter: "Mom, can you come and flea treat the cats with me"
Me: "Oh, Hon, sorry, I can't. I just have too much on the plate"
Her: (indignant) "Well! So I guess you have too much to help your daughter. I called you because you are the ONLY ONE who is capable of helping with this!"
Me: "I'm so sorry. Guess what I am telling you now is that I am NOT capable of handling it. Good luck."
Eventually they get it. They aren't going to get an argument. They are just not going to get the response they want. And their own brain gives another path a try.
It is simple recognition (and you GOT THAT!) and then action (you can do this).

EP I used to think there was something wrong with me because I couldn't laugh off, or at least brush off, my sister's behaviour towards me. Then one day, because it had only just happened, I described an insulting incident to my Texan psychotherapist friend during a phone call. Nothing technical, she just said

"God! What a cow!"

[you have to do the accent yourself, you understand]

and I have felt so much better about it ever since. It's not me being pathetic. It's my sister being a b!tch.

It's not your reaction. It's your mother's being a... well. Supply your own word for it.

Also. I have to point out. How can someone who can't be arsed to pick up a card and read it over the phone, call the other person lazy for not coming round to her house?

Buy her a magnifying glass. Then she can make her own dam' eye appointments.

I try to not respond when she says something rude. Just silence or a “uh huh”. Creating an uncomfortable silence kinda works. Another rude comment and I guarantee someone will be at the door. Weird how that happens :-).

Sometimes I snap back with my own rude comment. It is hard not to. Talking to her as little as possible at this point works best. I get mad about past comments and incidence too. Many hugs.

Oh my, you have her living essentially WITH you. I'm so sorry.

My DH is experiencing this with his mother. He's baffled, but is going to read a couple of articles about dementia and narcissism and will (hopefully) go back to therapy to work out the issues he can't seem to deal with. She's 90--and you'd think by now she would have forgotten a slight or some small hurt, but no, things that happened 70 years ago are still as fresh as the day they happened.

He has always just tried to reason with his mother. This just infuriates her. She HAS to be RIGHT all the time, and you have to agree with her. She simply oozes hatred, and it's actually, so very sad.

Right now, walking out of her house and giving himself a few weeks respite has helped, but bottom line, it's HIS problem--he's been waiting for her to change his whole life. She probably won't, so he has to. Poor guy.

As long as she is not physically IN your home, you can always take off. Long walks, lazy drives, lunch out with friends--try the silent treatment with her when she's belligerent.

Good Luck. (I can't wait to see how my kids will treat me when I'm 80. They all think I'm an idiot now!! :) )

The only answer for me has been no contact. I now manage my mother’s affairs but she in an AL. I had no contact prior to stepping in as her POA and then made a decision to manage her affairs from afar with no contact. I blocked her phone number due to abusive behavior.

I have found a lot of support for this decision. I don’t listen to any of the “it’s your mother” blah blah blah guilt trip talk. I really understand how you want to remove part of your brain! But don’t do that. Remove the abuser instead.

I found a supportive therapist. I actually had to start antidepressants for this situation and I do feel better. I know it will only be temporary. And I’m working on my childhood trauma caused by this woman. It took me YEARS to come to this point!

Don’t let your adult years be marred by manipulation and lies. There is no way to reason with an unreasonable person. Stop trying to understand her behavior and surround yourself with happy positive people. Good luck!

I read something on the Louise Hay website yesterday that struck me. Here's what it said:

"It is as sure that those who hold grievances will suffer guilt, as it is certain that those who forgive will find peace."

The statement stuck with me; I could not get it out of my head. It's ME who suffers when I hold grievances or grudges against my mother. So...........while it's very difficult to 'forgive' a person, it's very easy to utter these words every time before you interact with her:

"Mom, I forgive you for all the things you've ever done to me and hold no grievances against you."

I'm doing that myself and it helps a little. Maybe, if we do it often enough, we will find forgiveness for THEIR shortcomings and remember that this is THEIR hideous behavior we're suffering for, not OURS.

EP, you can always say that you will let her handle her own life and you will not be bothering her.

She can sign up for paratransit transportation to get her to her appointments and out and about to take care of her needs.

You are not responsible for her happiness or her frame of mind during this pandemic or any other time. That is something that she needs to own 100%.

I have to say it is really hard to get over the crap when it is continually dumped on us. Yes, she is a nasty toad but, you don't have to be her stool.

Let her do whatever she wants and you step back and care for you. The old saying about misery loves company obviously applies to both our mothers. They are miserable human beings and they will do their best to make sure everyone in their space is too.

Great big warm hug! This is about her ugliness and not you.

I want to thank everyone who responded. I feel better just being able to talk to you ladies.

This forum is truly a life-line. Thank you.

I just can't imagine how empty your mother must be to need to cut you, her loving daughter, down.

You have every right to these angry, resentful feelings. Ignoring your feelings is not a recommended technique for dealing with abusive parents.

Having you tried hanging up on her when she starts in? Or shutting the door in her face?

Why do YOU need yo take her to the doctor, or make her appointments for her?

At SOME point, all of us have to divorce our reaction to who our LO was FOR OUR WHOLE LIVES, and what they’ve been reduced to by dementia. So you DO get to do your “brain sever” and it IS easier when you push yourself to the other side of it.

My mother was a very damaged, but still fiercely loving and sometimes compassionate woman. She had been horribly injured delivering me, and I’ve come to think that she never really go past that. Sometimes reclusive, sometimes plagued by months and months of agoraphobia, always terrified, bossy, laughing, solitary.

I learned as a very little kid how and when to get out of her way, and also not to be “hurt” when she took it out on me.

By the time my father died, we’d made a peace of sorts, and it never failed through the 25 or so years she lived in the little cottage where she’d spent most of her married life, and her death. I’d hear what she’d say in those years, act on what could or wanted to, and literally ignore the rest.

In that time we became very good friends. She became less defensive, and more willing to express her feelings. When, at 85, she had a stroke so bad that they didn’t know whether she’d survive, she left the hospital with the doctor’s consent after two days, went home, and rehabbed HERSELF, no therapists involved, and became my hero.

Sure wasn’t always easy, but if you let yourself, you can find peace and maybe even joy in letting all the nasty stuff slide in one ear and out the other. You can’t change a brain disrupted by dementia in any way, but you can change YOUR mind, especially for your own good.

Why not give it a try? If it can’t get worse, maybe, for yourself, you can make it better?

Time to remind her that she behaves herself or you walk away.

Then take a nice long vacation from her to let it sink in.

You can do it!

Piper,

Hooooooo-boy. I can so relate.

My mom triggered me like no one else. Aware of her dementia, she still riled me up so bady. Every negative emotion. My best solution was emotional distancing. Granted, emotional distancing is easier said than done. I've touted my success here with the gray rock method many times. The gray rock method is simply "becoming" emotionless. In other words, refuse to show your anger, alarm, frustration, grief, etc. to the person who provokes it. You may "feel" it still, but with practice the slings and arrows begin to fall away without harming you and the "triggering" responses fade away. Gray Rock accomplishes 2 things. By controlling your responses, your mom doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing you upset. This is one of her most powerful motivations: getting that delicious surge of power by upsetting you! Don't let her have it. Gray Rock works even with those with dementia. Her "attacks" may subside if you can master Gray Rock. The second (and possibly best) benefit is that by practicing "non-emotional" responses, you may actually began to feel less provoked.

When my mother is in attack mode, I pretend I'm standing in a long line at the bank. I'm only halfway "present." I zone out and let my mind focus on mundane or pleasant things. Or imagine I'm surrounded by an impenetrable bubble or aura that protects me from assaults. Whatever imagery works for you. I know it sounds weird or unlikely but for me, it worked! I typically respond to her BS with "Really?" or "Oh, I'll look into it," or in the event of overt personal insults, I've actually responded with a drab, emotionless "Don't threaten me," or don't respond at all, like I didn't even hear it. The practice of "blunting" your emotion actually blunts your emotion! But only for the person you practice Gray Rock on! The emotional blunting doesn't transfer over to other circumstances or people in your life.

It's either you or her, Piper. Her brain is broken. But yours is beautifully intact! You've got this! (((Hugs)))

I understand your dilemma, as my mother had borderline personality disorder and was narcissistic. I believe you, as I was, have been emotionally abused from childhood. I don't know if it is possible or even healthy to ignore your anger. It is justified and there to protect you. I had to distance myself emotionally and physically from my mother. The gray rock method is good. Keeping away from her is good. Cutting short any abusive interaction is good. Hanging up the phone or walking away is good. Only seeing her in the company of others is good. Letting others help her is good. Letting her do what she can for herself is good. You taking as long a break as you need to heal is good. Anything you do for yourself is good,

You are not her servant. You are allowed to have to a peaceful life The less you feed her narcissism ie react to her the less she will taunt you. You are her narcissistic supply. If you refuse to provide that by setting strong boundaries, she will find someone else and you will have more peace. I wouldn't defend your self. That is points for her. Just hang up when she gets nasty.

Why does she do this - because her brain is broken -wired differently from normal. I found once I had really accepted that I expected mother to behave as she did, and I could protect myself better. No normal healthy person will behave like that. Stop wondering why and just protect yourself. It is as it is. You and many of us have been given a bad hand as far as mothers go, Our job is to deal with it and preserve ourselves.

My situation is a perfect mirror of yours. My feelings too are the same. I have walked out of her room countless times asking myself "why do I fall into her trap."

Lately I have been working on self improvement. A side of me wants to fight for what I know I deserve--my space, some gratitude for caring for her when none of her other kids (my siblings) would, less criticism etc. Then I think about who she is now, her new reality and I feel crazy guilty because she is a child, and her mind doesn't function the way it once did.

I see the frustration in her entire body when she can't think clearly, or when she realizes that she is asking about people who have been dead for decades. I see how embarrased she is when I bathe her, and help her with her incontinence, and how she struggles to move and help in her own way.

It's frustrating, but I love her dearly. Can I just let it go, and be kind to her especially when I know that she is sick? I don't know that I can. Last night I didn't sleep because she calls me every 5-10 minutes, and this AM she tells me that I don't love her! :(

Still, she is my mom! I want to hug her, protect her and scream at her for being so mean to me. ay ay ay!

Much luck to you. Strength and kindness your way my friend. Stay strong. You can do this. You are going to be OK.

You might not like what I have to say but here it is. Make plans for someone else to take care of her. Life is too short to have to take this abuse. Let someone else be her caregiver. You can't fix crazy. What you allow, continues.

NeedHelpWithMom:

I never got push-back from Mom while using Gray Rock. The technique probably works well with narcissists because it denies them the emotional feedback they crave. It might not work so well for others. Surprisingly, it has been effective with dementia. After I started using it with my mid-stage mom, she slacked off her abuse.. But then again, she may have slacked off anyway because her dementia had advanced. It's hard to say. I'm sorry it didn't work for you, NeedHelp! Mom hates to lose her audience, so I believe just "walking away" was also very effective. I might add that taking actions like these are not cruel or disrespectful, rather they are boundary and life preserving.

Golden had some great suggestions!

Holy cow. If I showed your post to my husband, he would think I wrote it. I'm the oldest of 6 kids, the one Mom has always treated the worst, and ironically the only one who is willing to take care of her in her "golden" years. We're at the point where I had to move her into my house, and she has her own section of it. She has always been narcissistic, controlling, and a hoarder, so I have to store all of her precious crap in my shed and garage. She doesn't want to use it, and she doesn't want anyone else to use it. But she refuses to let it go.

She has diabetes and took such terrible care of herself that she has been in ketoacidosis (DKA) too many times to count, during which I'm sure she fried brain cells, so I really do try to have compassion for her. She's only 71 but looks 91. She's basically wheelchair-bound now and totally incontinent, but she can move herself in and out of the wheelchair to get into bed or get on and off the toilet. Unfortunately for me, however, just to screw with me, she will lay in bed as much as possible until everything is flooded with urine and whatever else. I know for a fact that she gets great pleasure in making me clean up her messes. And everyone else sees it too, so it's not just me taking things personally.

She has always been manipulative and nasty to me, but it feels like she gets worse by the day. I honestly found this support forum accidentally because last night I was about to have an emotional breakdown, and my husband said we need to make some changes.

I read all of the responses to this post, and I feel like I've tried most of the suggestions pretty successfully. Never heard of the gray rock method before, so I looked it up, and I totally do that! But I didn't know there was a word for it. :) So this is really encouraging.

Meanwhile, I have been paying someone to help me get her to bathe twice a week. She definitely won't do it for me or any of my siblings, but for some reason, she'll do it for this caregiver, Isabel. I'm thinking I might have Isabel come over an additional day each week just to get Mom to get out of bed, but of course that's more money. I just need a break from cleaning up bodily fluids every single day.

Also, I teach for our local university, which decided to move the majority of our courses online, so I'm stuck working from home and juggling Zoom meetings, which is a total pain when people are coming and going for Mom. I feel like I can't keep a straight thought in my head--constantly stopping my work to try to get mom to get up and eat, or go to the bathroom, or whatever. Isabel is a nursing student and she's really sweet, so mom has been more cooperative with her (but Mom is SLOW AF and I still have to be somewhat present).

I have no suggestions for ExhaustedPiper other than hiring help. No one person can do it all (even if my mom was nice, which she's not). But I do appreciate all the understanding and encouragement in this thread! You all are amazing!

This is my second answer regarding your response to my first answer that your mother would have to have crisis to go into a care center. I had to wait until two hospitalizations and dementia to create a crisis and she had nowhere to go.

You've probably heard this before, but Alzheimer's disease affects the executive functions of the brain first. Part of that is what we call the "social filter," the ability to have nasty, petty thoughts but not express them since you know they are not nice. Your mom has obviously lost hers. Whatever she thinks, she says.

So you have a choice. Realize you mom has petty, nasty thoughts about you, and probably everyone, and that she will verbalize them in the hearing of everybody available.
Choices:
React as if this is true and a slur against your character. Results in anger.
Or
React as if this is not a reflection OF you, BUT a reflection of her broken mind and not-so-sterling character. Retain your dignity. Choose to deflect to another topic.

The verbal barbs that folks with dementia release are hurtful. Sometimes they mean to be hurtful and sometimes not. Usually, the comments are more a reflection of a self-focused, broken mind. I try to adjust my expectations to something a lot lower. As long as there isn't constant verbal abuse, I shrug it off.

If there is a lot of verbal abuse, consider the acronym HALT to see if there is something underlying (unspoken need) that must be addressed. H = hungry. A= angry or anxious. L=lonely. T=tired. If it isn't HALT, a short time our might be your best option.

ExhaustedPiper:

"Won't be a sad day for me, I'll be having a party on the way out!"

Do be sure to invite us all the the party!!!!! We can all attend in our PJs!!!

"...she told me to come over and get the cards and then called me lazy, in the past I would have walked over and got them."

Gray rock, or sometimes this works - flippant response agreeing with them, such as "Yup, that's me, the lazy a$$ B!tch, so you need to get your lazy a$$ in gear and bring the cards to me.", then gently hang up. Very often they can dish it out, but can't take it. Same deal with those hussy little b's in school who make fun of you and get a rise out of seeing you react. I had to deal with this on my own (no help from parents), but was able to work with and help my daughter when she went through this same crap. Also, hang up, or closing the door on her is fine, so long as you don't slam the phone down or slam the door. THAT would be getting a reaction from you and she will earn her reward. Just calmly hang up or close the door quietly.

Yes, it does take time and practice to get past these feelings and reactions. My daughter was 5 when we were locked out of our house by the ex. He would call during the day and push my buttons, in order to get me into an argument. SHE calmly said "Why don't you just hang up the phone?" I was dumbfounded to hear such a simple idea from a 5yo!! I did exactly that.

Whenever I felt that feeling which would lead to arguments with him, I would pause to regroup and do my best to avoid answering/getting into argument. One time he interrupted my pause with "Well, aren't you going to answer me?" I replied "No, because if I do we're going to get into an argument and I don't want to argue." He went ballistic, yelling, etc and I calmly hung up the phone and took it off the wall. I knew he would call back just to hang up, so by taking the phone off, it would ring on his end, but not my end! PEACE and QUIET for me, frustration for him! This was long before cell phones and various blocking tools. I would just go about my business and leave his crap on the floor.

We can't change others, but we can change ourselves and how we react to things. Make light of it whenever possible. Maintain neutral pose in all cases. Maybe even laugh at what is said or done, and walk away. When their words and actions no longer seem to hurt you, sometimes they give up.

"My mom is notorious for her $^%&tty behavior and I need to internalize that it is not me, it's her!"
 ABSO-FN-LUTELY!!!

"Nobody actually enjoys being around her."

You recognize that, so that should also be a hint to you that YOU are not the problem, she is.

"... I had a long talk with my mom and told her if she didn't start cooperating with me, and giving me space to live my own life then I would walk away from the situation, and move. Things got better for awhile.

Now it's slipping again."

This can work, but it can also backfire. I call this the "line in the sand", like in the old cartoons - I dare you to cross this line, this line, this line. The line in the sand you make has to be one you CAN stick to. Beware that even if deemed "incompetent", just being POA doesn't mean you can "force" her to move. If she reaches a point where she can easily be duped, some kind of fib can be used, but not POA. That's how I ended up here. Mom refused to let aides in her place and was adamant she wasn't going to move anywhere, esp not AL. EC atty told me we couldn't force her and said guardianship. The place we chose wouldn't accept her if we did that. So, we had to have a fib plan. In her case, it worked.

So, I wouldn't repeat this line unless you CAN follow through. ANYTHING you say you will do MUST be doable. And then DO IT.

Some funnies to maybe help you laugh about your situations....

https://www.pinterest.com/debhinrich/stressed-out/

My father has gotten more difficult since diagnosed with dementia. He’s either very sarcastic or Mr. know it all. Always trying to prove that he’s right and I’m wrong. Trying to prove he doesn’t have dementia, if I forget something boy does he rub it in. If he forgets something he gets mad and yells at me as if it were my fault. Today he said remember that I went to the hospital? I said which time, how long ago was this? He yells at me...well you are the one who should know you were with me!!! So frustrating. He’s always been stubborn but never this difficult. I’m not sure how to respond to him. So far I’ve been ignoring it and reminding myself he has dementia arguing with him won’t work. However it still stresses me out being yelled at for nothing all the time when all I want is peace. I feel like I’m dealing with a teenager half the time 😁 yet I can’t discipline him

Your mom is a teacher for you to learn how to not give away your power. Will you finally learn from her? I have lived with this my whole life and I just kept my distance. Now she lives with me in her not so golden years and not much has changed with her, but it is changing with me. Do you ever let her know the things she says to you bothers you? I am setting boundaries, something I was never really great at my whole life. Living as a people pleaser and mom taking full advantage of that. It’s time for me to step up to the plate in my life. Last week my mother told me that I was “the most horrible daughter in the world, that god was going to punish me, I was going to hell and she was going to call the police on me and tell them I was abusing her ND then she tried to hit me” her words did not sting me as they once would as I realized she was frustrated and she was basically having a temper tantrum. But those words did do something for me instead. They woke me out of a life long coma of abuse. And I asked myself why I would want to be around someone that treats me like this? Why would I continue to take the abuse from her? It made me stand up and proclaim that I will never allow anyone to ever treat me like this again. My mother does not like this new improved aide of me and she is moving out December 1st. I am doing inner work to address my feelings and understand that I am allowed to have them, they help me learn who gets a spot in my life and who does not. It was about time I stood up for myself and my mother being such a rude, mean and demanding person, while I have been trying to help her has been just the kick in the stomach I needed to see my fairytale ways of pleasing mom for her acceptance and love would never be a road to a happy life for me.🙏🏼🧚🏼‍♂️💕 choose you first. And there is nothing wrong with your feelings, lean in and embrace them you get to have them

Since you already know her condition, try stop reacting to her unfavorable comments. It will only serve to hurt you. What worked for me was joining a local alzheimers/dementia focus group. Check with local resources for a group near you. You will soon learn you aren't alone and many people can offer tips on handling hurtful situations. Hope this helps.

Someone can’t hurt our feelings unless we care what the offending person thinks. Obviously you do care what she thinks, but also know inside that she’s being unreasonable, petty and rude. I recently read a fantastic book by Rosemary Altea called Soul Signs. Everyone falls into one given soul-type (of several) based on their personality and natural makeup. We’re basically born that way, but can make conscious changes though it’ll feel like walking upstream! Your mom may well be a retrospective soul- as my mom was. She’s gone now, but reading about her type helped me realize it wasn’t me or my ineptness that didn’t allow me to ever measure up, it was how she was “wired”. I highly encourage you to read the book. It’s a quick, easy read-fascinating & spot on. Helps one better understand our relationships with various people. You love your mom or you’d have baled out, but that doesn’t mean you always like her. You’re a good person- hang in there & good luck!

There are two separate questions:

(1) How do you keep your cool when dealing with a parent suffering from dementia?

and

(2) How do you keep your cool when dealing with a parent (or anyone else) who is verbally abusive?

The answer to #1 is, to transition, emotionally, to an understanding that this former leader can no longer rationally be in charge, while balancing your parents’ dignity to preserve their feelings of self worth. You must now make the Important decisions (you may not even want to) and this shift of control is most gentle when allowing your parent to weigh-in, express concerns and be heard. The problem is your parent is losing control which can drive a person of any age to throw a tantrum. So you became the adult and they became the child and you didn’t want this “battlefield” promotion in the first place. How do you keep your cool? Do your best to emulate an ideal parent. If your parent did not show you by example, draw on your memories of television parents from the 60s-90s, doing the “right thing” to teach the audience a lesson. (Parents in today’s programs often play the role of a bumbling clown to their clever children, so you may have to draw deep on TV memories). You will have to recalibrate if your parent slips farther into dementia. You may start out emulating Michael Landon’s parenting (Little House on the Prairie) and eventually come around to emulating Jo Frost (Supernanny). The key words are “do your best.” Don’t be tough on yourself. Change is hard.

Question 2 is even harder to answer.and solve. When someone is continually abusive, you find yourself living on a spectrum from annoyed to weakened. When you need a break, take one. Surround yourself with kind supportive people that will help you refresh your screen when it becomes frozen. When those kind supportive people aren’t there, be that person for yourself. Don’t blame yourself. Find ways to spend your free moments that best reduce your stress. Treat yourself kindly when you have.a break. Do not accept and incorporate the poison that is thrown at you. Understand the source - and discount the behavior accordingly.

Try Counseling to sort out what is at the root of your anger.

I didn't see my solution mentioned, so I'll just throw this out there. My mil was with us for the last nine months of her life and I will say that she was a gem! Especially when I hear other's stories, I realize how blessed I was to have her.

The worst issue with her was her constantly saying, "I'm sorry." I realized later that her husband had created in her the perception that no matter what she did, it wasn't enough, so she lived a life of apology. (Like father, like son -- I have stubbornly refused to get into the "I'm sorry" mode with my husband even though he actually demands that I say it, whole other story though.)

Mil and my dh bickered constantly, I chose to hide out on the computer as much as possible. When he would leave, then I'd go sit with my mil and on my, the wonderful stories she told. I know so much more about her life than anyone else ever will, including some really bad parts.

One day, I couldn't stand the bickering any more, I walked out the basement door, faced the holler below our house (we live in the mountains) and I let out a scream that probably woke half the town. I just let her rip. My husband came out and cast the devil out of me, lol.

So maybe you could just go somewhere far away from people and let yourself have a good yell. It really does help!