I want so badly to ignore my anger when my mother triggers me, does anyone have techniques to help?

I'm there too - although my mom does not have dementia, so when she triggers me she's just acting her own self.

Therapy will help you with this, it's what I'm doing and it's helping me greatly. I recently took my mom somewhere and she kept telling me, "Ok when they call my number you go up there and tell them what I need." "Ok, when it's my turn you explain to the person about the prescription and what the doctor wants." She has mobility challenges and hearing issues, this is her way of avoiding dealing with it, and getting me to be her trained monkey. Again, no cognitive issues. I've been told, "It's just easier when you do it."

You should have seen her face when I said, "No." Actually I said, "Hell no I'm not going up there, this is for you." Hence the face.

You must set boundaries, such as asking her to bring the insurance over to you. You may not realize it but that was a huge step for so many of us to do.

I'm struggling but getting there with the "sitting in discomfort" stage, as in, if she is angry, upset, I didn't do something she wanted, it takes my stuck-in-childhood brain everything it has not to reverse myself and be the people pleaser. If she's mad I have to sit in that uncomfortable awkward place, and after a while I'm literally able to shrug my shoulders and move on. Even if that means not answering the phone, waiting about 10 or 15 minutes then calling back. She probably wonders why I "go to the bathroom" so much... Which is what I usually say when the "where were you's!!" start and the, "I was getting worrieds" appear.

Also finding a forum like this helps exponentially because while we may not be exactly the same shoes, we at least know what size they are...

Good luck.

Your mother sounds like mine. I too wish I was either immune to the comments or deaf. I actually now have hearing loss in my left ear. Funny, right?
I really don't know the answer. I do know that you and I are probably too unselfish to run away or ignore them.
At 47, I'm finding that my patience is dwindling. Hang in there!

Oh MY. ARGH!!! This must be SO difficult for you to deal with. I am so sorry. So, she was nasty to tou even before dementia? If so, that’s a tough one. For only my own experience (all are different) my mom became nasty more often because of dementia. I didn’t realize that was why for the first two years and it really hurt. Let me tell you that while your mother has periods of clarity she is struggling more than she is letting on. Yes I have learned is extremely common and I saw it with my mother in a major way that they mask what is going on with them is to lash out at others. SO textbook.
honestly the only advice I have for you is to get as many other people caring for her as possible other than you, and to tell yourself that she is struggling and she is scared and that’s why she’s lashing out. But it ain’t easy my friend. Try As much as you can to have compassion for her to be the better person

I struggle with the same issue. You are not alone. It is kind of scary how quick a retort comes out and then comes the guilt. I am still learning, but I find that stepping away and counting helps. Sometimes I remember that it is not easy being her. There are good days and there are difficult days. Would I be happy in her shoes? How would I feel if I couldn't do things the way I wanted? These are not excuses though. At any rate, you're not alone in this struggle.

I struggle with the same. I try hard to give it all up to the Lord, but I'm not always successful. My mom is 99 and lives with me. It's true that when you harbor resentment, I think it gives them what they are looking for. The negative response they get out of you is what they are hoping for. After they get it, they can play victim until peace is eventually established and they can begin the game all over again. My mom, God love her, plays the game like a master. Praying for you.

Listening to music has always helped me when I felt stressed. I spent all of my allowance as a kid on albums and would go to my room and listen to them.

You can listen to anything online now. So, if you are a music lover like me, zone out with a few great tunes!

I don’t know if you like to exercise but I have always done something physical too when I felt like I was going to explode. I used to ride my bicycle for miles and miles. After a bad accident, my orthopedic surgeon told me to switch to my stationary bike.

Exercise releases endorphins that make us feel better. I work out quite a bit because I feel crappy if I don’t.

Then reward yourself with a soak in your tub. I buy all sorts of wonderful smelling bath products and sit in my whirlpool tub and have my favorite music on with candles burning. Sometimes, I even pour a glass of sparkling water to sip on.

I, too, live very close to my mom - which is a blessing and a curse. Thankfully, my mom (89yo) does not have an ugly temper and her biting comments are infrequent (a 180° change from when I was a kid!).

Probably because I had to learn good boundaries, I still do the following things with my mom, they might help with you, too.

I tend to do tasks for mom that need her records when I am at her home. It's just easier being where I can find the things I need. And, if you get lip, you can walk away.
(Similarly, I keep her records on her email which I can access which just keeps my life separated from hers and organized a bit better.) It is rare for my mom to be at my home.

I gauge my own temperament before going to her home. If I am rushed for time, or already bothered by something, that is NOT the time to see her.

I guage my mom's temperment before going to see her. I call every morning - often first thing. We go over her calendar and upcoming tasks, but I am also assessing how she's feeling (physically and emotionally). It is not unusual for me to call middle of the day before going over. Again, I'm checking on how she's doing. She's a drinker and can get agitated and upset. A quick phone call can tell me I don't need to be over there right now.

I almost always have a "buffer" when I am with her. That can be an activity I'm doing when I'm there, or an activity I'm going to that can be my exit. This is a habit I learned a long time ago because I can't just sit and chat with my mom for a long period of time without her getting ugly. By having a buffer I can spend quite a lot of time with my mom: going to pick up groceries, taking a walk around the block, doing yard work on weekends.... she has me around (which she likes) and I am not spending a lot of direct time with her (which is healthier for me).

I will use other people as a distraction or diversion when needed. I can't remember what it was recently but a month or two ago I asked my BF to be there while I did some kind of task for mom. He understood he was my buffer and filled the role beautifully. My mom is of a generation that listens to men, and many times if I want her to do something I tell her my BF suggests that she.... mom is much more receptive to things when she thinks they are a man's idea.

Sometimes, despite all my prep, my mom is just ugly. When that happens, I just get up and leave. Sometimes I'm polite and tell a white lie to make an excuse. Sometimes I'm polite but tell her gently (but firmly) that I didn't appreciate the comment and I'll come back later when she's feeling better.

I NEVER leave in a manner that she thinks she could be left or abandoned because of her behavior. I am my mom's sole caregiver and it would be extremely irresponsible - even abusive - to make her think I would hurt her by neglect. And, it would not extinguish behavior if she is frightened - that could result in her lashing out even more.

So far, almost 5 years now, we have made it thru. And, yes, my mom was an abusive alcoholic when I was growing up, so I am as surprised as anyone that I have a rich and rewarding relationship with her now. All of it has been thru my adaptations and boundary setting.

I wish you luck.

Why are you trying to deny your feelings while trying to make someone else happy? That’s a lose-lose for all parties. You have a right to your feelings and you have no control over anyone else’s feelings, particularly when dementia is in play.

That being said, most of the advice I’ve seen is about distancing yourself from the situation. Sometimes it’s a physical distance and other times it is an emotional distance. Physical distancing worked really well for me when Mother was younger. Then the supports that made physical distancing possible crumbled and more attention was needed. At first I tried discussing, then begging and pleading, and wound up in the hospital myself. Venting to friends and family helped some; a therapist would probably have been better. Finally, I tried the emotional distancing. I liked the grey rock approach, but envisioning a stage play or a vast ocean would work too. I was still angry, I suppose, but I was able to distance myself from the drama so that it was her problem and not mine. I just did what needed to be done and stopped trying to get her to appreciate what I was doing. Toward the end, she said “Your brother thinks you are doing a good job.” At that point, I realized I simply no longer cared what anyone else might think because I knew, in my heart, I had done the right things.

"you look nice" next time respond:

Thank you, I take after my mother :)

and give her a hug. or not. wink and smile.

Beer 🍺 & ice cream 🍦 helps

Ok. Reading all of these, I am feeling like, . ."mean, rude, and etc.", is really, "helpless, scared, and lost". Your loved one is clawing at you like flotsam in a choppy ocean and some caregivers/adult children are acting like they don't get the context.

How about we take turns being each other's life preserver? Remember what you cling to in life, and realize she's feeling like she's slipping at the moment and let her dig in.

Focus on the transience of the transaction between u and her, and realize that in a "home" she wouldn't have this opportunity to -hold on-, . .she'd be rudderless. Be glad u can remind her of who she is, and how she is, and allow her to rest and catch her breath, while she grabs a hold of u any way she can. This is one way to think of it, sometimes. My mom is seldom bad to me, but if she is, I realize she's just having a hard time and I thank God she has me to lash out at and that lashing out helps. I tell her I love her. I walk over to her, tell her what good thing is coming next, . . .like favorite meal, phone call to friend, visit to friend or place, grateful for good news that she had forgotten about. Help her find the good. Be a compass. She forgot which way the land is.

Maybe say, "I know, . .I'm sorry". She will know that you are both 'making fun of the trials of life', by u letting her be strong any way that is convenient to her. It will be your (u and her's) joke, . .and u can laugh soon afterward together.

She is now the child u once were, and she didn't treat u like a stranger who was bad when you temper tantrummed or screamed I hate u, when u were lost, scared, helpless, and anxious, . . .so, do what u would for a child . . .act hurt, for a second, get quiet, . .look for the good, tell her u love her, walk to her, see if she wants a hug, tell her how u understand what she's saying, that u agree smwht or don't agree, but can imagine her feelings, and what u think her feelings are, whether ur wrong or rite about what u think her feelings are, and what is hopeful, what is good, what will be good, what was good, and how u both share that history and hope for smthg good, and what's next.

Realize the -existentialism- of life and roll w it. Laugh at the fumbling attempts we all make to gain footing in life, as we work toward gaining any kind of footing. Love the intrinsic experience of life, . .the existentialism of life.

Her saying, "Your so lazy", "You look nice", is her way of saying, "I'm scared, come to me".

Boy did this post catch my attention. I especially related to your feeling that you should just be able to "brush it off." I have the same issues with my mother, and if I wrote down the little things she says to me that send me over the edge, they would sound silly and inconsequential. There have been a couple of incidents where she admitted to having said something to purposely upset me. (Clearly she knows my triggers).
My daughter keeps telling me to smile and respond with a positive tone as if she hadn't said anything. It's a way to disconnect and it does help not to challenge her but to go with the flow. Learn not to take the bait. I sometimes don't respond if she doesn't ask a question. Her comment just kind of hangs in the air.
Take care and know you are not alone in your struggles. This is a great place to come to vent, get advice, and connect with others.

Imho, caregiving is hard. Prayers sent.

Sigh.. I remember feeling this resentment you mention.

That 'awful' scan I MADE her have (the Doc asked for). Countless examples...

The 'yucky' dental x-ray I MADE her have (Dentist needed) was the crunch. Hot day & refused to walk the 10 steps to the car, insisted I drove to the door - but was no room for the car. So half collapsed & somehow I got her in my car. Was so frazzled I reversed into a car (beautiful new sports car) 😬.

I realised I couldn't continue like this. Also that what I was calling resentment was anger. I wondered if the anger was trying to wake me up - to take action.

It worked (eventually). I quit.

Her appointments are her own to arrange now. By taxi or with home care Aides. She still lives her *semi-independence* life but I don't prop it up in any way.

So that's how I delt with it. I let go.

Here is a trick that worked for me. When my mom was talking to me I imagined that her words came out of her mouth and went over the top of my head and not in my ears. It may sound silly but it worked more often than not.

Here's mine: I'm sitting in the darkened audience, an observer of a play. I don't get on the stage; I won't let anyone or anything force/drag me onto the stage. I smile to myself, in a loving, protective, caring way. Bless you; trust your instincts; don't allow yourself to be bullied. All my love and support, EP.

Listen to your body - mine started showing signs of extreme stress. Shingles, then later a bad rash all over my body which was eczema, heart palpitations, feeling so tired even after sleeping 8 hours, losing interest in life, not wanting to go home after work (she lived with me for the past 20 years off/on). Set boundaries. I should have years ago and at times I would get so mad we wouldn't speak. But it's your mother and it's hard to walk away from that bond which should be loving. I finally realized it's her not me! And I started to ignore the stupid, mean things she said but there were times I had to leave my own home just to find some peace. Good luck and God Bless!

Ignore your anger? Hell, ignore your mother! Some people are born mean and hateful. It seems this website is full of daughters with this conflict with mean mothers. You can't love a mom like this so stop trying. They manipulate daughters because they keep trying to get approval and it never happens. It is a sick game and they love it because of the power it gives them. Such fun to hurt another person. You might read up on narcissistic people. So many women have this problem. Stop trying to win her love or approval you will never get it. These people cannot love anyone. Good news is you don't need it. Never give away your power. Stop doing so much for her. Limit direct contact. I would suggest just once you give her a not nice response and see her reaction. Don't let loose with anger but indifference is the key. Like "I really don't care what you do. You are too much trouble and I've had enough." That's not a specific threat of any kind but I am sure she will be shocked. You might enjoy it. I am getting tired of all this love and forgiveness on this site. We need to stop other people from this abuse. They are evil and they know what they are doing.
I had an extremely abusive mother physically and mentally. She was hell to live with. She was mentally- ill bipolar diagnosis before I was born. I felt sorry for her because she was so tormented. As a child I took care of her as best I could. There wasn't much I could do. She used me for a companion sometimes because she had no friends. Those were the better times but didn't last long. At 17 I left because she was too dangerous toward me. I never went back. I have PTSD from my childhood but now less nightmares than I used to have. Many years have passed and I worked hard to make a good life for myself and I did. I would not let her ruin my entire life. She was more extreme than most of these mothers so that made it easy for me to leave. Besides she kept telling me to get out of "her house" and locking me out. I am glad I left and I am glad that I never became a mean hateful person. I don't want to go on about myself so much and I wish you the best to break the hold she has on you. She has harmed you in ways you might not be aware. Please never take abuse from people. Get away from them! Make yourself happy. Love yourself.l

Please don’t continue caring for her in this way. I tried to do it all with my mother and the stress got so bad, I got very sick. This is not a workable situation for you and if you can set up something different for her care, I would certainly do so before you find yourself unable to care for her because you can’t care for yourself! She will need more help if her eye sight gets worse and this will be more responsibility for you. I know this because my own mother has macular degeneration and she was no longer independent because she couldn’t drive anymore. So she moved by us. It was pure h-ll for me. I had to draw up boundaries and not be there all the time for her because I was so ill. (Always healthy before she came here). She’s been here for 9 yrs now and as long as she can maintain on her own, she can remain at home. The minute I have to get too involved in helping her to stay in her home, she will have to go elsewhere to live where she can be cared for. Or hire someone else to come in. (Which she doesn’t want to do). I just can’t do it. And my mother has not always been kind and loving. She has torn me down more times than I can count. Sorry - It’s me first now. You have to take care of you first - without the guilt.

O my goodness, you just described myself n my mom! I can’t give advice cuz I’m right where you are. Just know you’re not alone.

Hi Exhausted Piper,

I didn't read all the responses so all I am going to say (as a caregiver for my 94 year old Mom) is I choose how I react to whatever my Mom or anyone else I know says to me. I can choose to get angry or I can choose to focus on staying calm.

I love the poem below by Charles Swindoll about Attitude (a poem I have lived by for decades):

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.

It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes,
than what others think or say or do.

It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.
It will make or break a company… a church… a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding
the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past… we cannot change the
fact that people will act in a certain way.
We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you…
we are in charge of our attitudes.

Though I cannot relate to this with my own mother, I can certainly relate with my adult daughter with autism. I believe you suffer from chronic stress of her “gotchas” where you feel you can never let your guard down when you are around her. Thank heavens you do not live with her, so you can pick and chose more or less, how often you see her. I often feel with my daughter I am her “whipping post”. We are both dealing with brain deficiencies in our loved ones, which is where I believe most of our guilt comes from. It’s very difficult in the moment to discern when the person is being just out and out ugly to us, or when it is their disability that is driving them. Yet we are left to deal with their ugliness.

A mantra I have for myself is, “I am doing the best I can; I cannot fix this situation, yet I am doing all I can”. And then pat yourself on the back for being there and caring about her. You are only human and have a finite amount of patience and endurance. My guess is you have already gone above and beyond what many daughters would have done. I’m glad to hear you have worked on your boundaries with her, and I hope you will continue to do so. I hope you will also be able to find more direct services for her, so you can be in a more “behind the scenes” role.

I wish the very best for you in continuing to care for a person who simply does not seem capable of acknowledging your love, let alone be able to return that love. And I hope you can find love and support for yourself elsewhere. Good luck!

Hi Exhausted Piper,
Please know you are not alone. I was thrust into full time caregiving around the age of 30 with my Grandparents who both had Alzheimer's, then my Step Dad during those 12 years, and my Mom for around 26 years. It's a thankless job. I don't know if you are a Christian but it is my faith and God that have guided me through all these times. My Grandfather was a breeze except having to drop off two kids at school, strap my toddler into his car seat and drive 70 mins or more to care for him and my Grandmother, then leave in time to rush home and pick up my kids from school. My step-Dad sexually abused me as a child but I still cared for him through cancer. My grandmother was a bit like your Mom, very condescending and very combative, after 6 years of my grandfather's Alzheimer's, she got it for 6 years herself. My Mom has always had issues with saying NO to people and how to manage money and she is a hypochondriac, which leads to so many issues. I say this all to you because each one of them, I had to handle differently.
My main suggestion is to remember that God wants us to honor our Mother and Father and Elderly. Many parents or elderly don't deserve this honor, however, God says they do. I can honor or love a person but not like their actions or even condone their actions. I think of it this way. God loves us however he will still judge us based on our choices in life through the free will he gives us. So instead of engaging in the combat with the person you are trying to help, stick to the issue and don't give them the satisfaction that they got a response from you. This will go against everything the world teaches you and our sinful human nature. I even did this for my Step-Dad who committed a heinous act against me. My Mom needed the help and his daughters due to work or apathy could not, so I stepped up. I had forgiving him for the sin he committed however I did not forget the sin. I did what God asked me to do and my step-dad even asked my forgiveness at the end of his life. Something he had never done before. So, I know that God's hand was in that situation.
Make sure YOU have a support group to lean on. If there are other relatives to help, ASK them. Sometimes, I text my siblings the long list of appointments and ask them to pick one they can help with. Sometimes, they can and that's awesome. Sometimes they can't. But I'm also talking about friends or church group to lean on and just vent sometimes. It helps to just release the frustration sometimes so you can reset your mind and attitude.
Last, sit down with you Mom and others that may help and have a frank discussion with her. Let her know kindly that you are doing your best to help her out, however, there must be boundaries in her behavior. Let her know you are doing this because she is your Mom, but you do not have to be abused by her words or actions. Tell her that this is a choice, however, that choice can change if she doesn't treat you better or change her attitude towards you. Sometimes, missed appointments or groceries or errands that you would normally do, may change her perspective once they are missed or she has to go to great lengths to get other accommodations.
I hope this helps you. I'm praying that God gives you a sense of peace that even though your Mom may not show you the appreciation you deserve, that God does notice it. God sees your actions and blesses you for it.

Being at peace with your emotions surrounding any challenging experience is absolutely possible. I have been meditating for about 8 years now, and I highly recommend it as a way to be fully present for what comes up in our lives...it is NOT about escaping into some sort of dreamland. What is needed is just the opposite, to be VERY present with what is going on inside your mind and body, or you will not feel release...you will just feel the tension build up and it will manifest in very destructive ways...destructive to your physical and mental health, and to your relationships. There is an excellent book I can recommend to get you started. It's written by Tara Brach, a therapist, and it's called Radical Compassion. She has some free you tubes you can watch as well, but the book is, I believe, an important primer. I also highly HIGHLY recommend a class in MBSR (Mindfullness Based Stress Reduction). They are not cheap...usually around $300...but they are LIFE CHANGING! A lot of hospitals offer them. (People are taking the courses on line these Pandemic days). Good luck!

I wish I had answers but I could have written this myself. You’re not alone. I started counseling recently because of my relationship with my mother and my counselor believes she’s Borderline personality along with dementia. She just went through cancer treatment as did I and she’s living with me. She has her own home and I’m finding her home health care but she won’t leave. I love my mother but I don’t like her. She’s always been cruel to me. Hugs my friend.

She’s baiting you, they get a little charge from getting your goat. My mother has always been like this but since aging it’s like on steroids.

I have to limit my exposure, like how much time I spend at Chernobyl’s lol

Number one rule is to not take it personally. Once she see's you are no longer going to play her game she will still try to bait you. Just think of fishing. Sometimes you continue to toss the lure to agitate the fish into biting and we know what happens then. That is what she is doing to you.

Number two is to inform her there is no social contact until she apologizes for her conduct. This holds her accountable and she will think twice before she tries again, and you can be sure she will try again.

It is best to keep your relationship formal.

That is what I do with my mom and there are almost no fights anymore.

Number three is to take a walk in nature and pour your heart out to Jesus. There is not one experience we go through that he has not gone through.

I live in assisted living and absolutely hate it. I can't walk but am with it l00%. Most people have dementia so it is very lonely for me. I hear of constant horror stories where these people verbally and physically attack their caretakers and yet the caretakers are NOT allowed to fight back. This is, to me, pure insanity. Why should they be punching bags but the law is the law. In the case of your mother, she has dementia but that does NOT give her any rights to abuse you. I would personally explode and tell her off (won't do much good to stop her but YOU won't be holding your anger and hurt inside and it WILL DETROY YOU if you allow it.) I think that when someone's behavior starts attacking YOU and your mental safety or physical safety, which she is doing, there is NO turning back. If everything possible was done to stop them and nothing works, you must face the fact that they cannot be in YOUR presence and home. Somehow you MUST PLACE THEM AWAY FROM YOU. You deserve to live a decent life and have done nothing wrong. I too would be absolutely furious and hurt if someone did to me what these dementia people do to others. Nothing should allow that - never. There are a few people who can just toss that off into the air but not everyone can handle it. If that is the case, REMOVE THEM. They are no longer who they may have been and if you keep them around you, it will be YOUR ending. Don't let that happen.

Ancient proven strategy is to work it out. Energetic work for yourself, away from the abusive person, is as old a cure for repressed anger, hurt and resentment as Caesar's Legions and before. You can choose the work, whether it is complex or simple, toilsome requiring strength or detailed, requiring careful motion and placement. The song "we can work it out" is absolutely god-given. Prayer itself helps. In this age of miracle machines, we forget that the God's universe sustained evolution and the emergence of intelligence in human beings. One must find or select from one's own work. Also, work will give you the courage and strength to just leave her or put her in some place where others will care for her. Those places exist because they are needed by many, many people, for the problematic and for those who tried to care for them yet found it impossible.

Since you understand her condition; be positive and accommodating to her to avoid her stress and yours. When she told you to pickup her cards ; You should have said ok in an hour. Then she'd feel secure knowing your love and interest in her is active; not obligatory and choresome. Intent and tone is shown by words and actions. Prayerful meditation,; a trusted friend whose experienced this problem can be a valuable aid to you. I wish you well! K. R.