My mom has dementia, diagnosed in early 2019. She's at a stage where I see both confusion/memory loss/decreasing executive functioning and increasing needs. At the same time, there are other times when she seems to have clarity and seems more capable. And she STILL lies, manipulates and belittles me. Her lifelong personality is still 100% there.
I've gotten better with boundaries, although I still need more work. What I really want to figure out how to do is to protect myself emotionally from her. Even when she is not in my presence, I feel myself holding grudges and being angry-- that is what I want to stop. I don't get why I can't just let it go?
There are so many examples, but I'll give a recent one to put this in context, because it's not really a big thing, and something I feel I should have been able to brush off quickly. But a day later and I'm still resentful.
My mom needs to see an ophthalmologist because at a recent optometrist exam for new reading glasses the exam showed (blood?) spots behind her retina. Her primary care made a referral and yesterday I called to make an appointment.
Got the appointment made for 10:00 AM next Wed, but I did not have her insurance info so I said I would call back with the info. I called my mom to let her know about the appointment- and that I needed her insurance info. She told me to come over and get her insurance cards. I said I would be over a little later, and she says in a cutting tone- YOU ARE SO LAZY!
I immediately said- I'm not lazy, I'm not dressed, then I said YOU bring them over to me! She laughed like I was being the @%^-hole and said she would. I live like 200 feet away. She came over and gave them to me, looked at my clothes and said sarcastically- You look nice. I responded these are my cleaning clothes.
How does one call someone lazy when they are literally in the middle of doing a favor for THEM?? It will also be necessary for me to drive her to this appointment. Then the dig about my clothes? Why does she cut me down like this? I can't fathom saying those things to my son, ever.
I swear if there was a surgical brain procedure that could sever the area of my brain that reacts to her I would get it. Since that's not possible, what can I do to prevent getting so triggered?
https://www.pinterest.com/debhinrich/stressed-out/
"Won't be a sad day for me, I'll be having a party on the way out!"
Do be sure to invite us all the the party!!!!! We can all attend in our PJs!!!
"...she told me to come over and get the cards and then called me lazy, in the past I would have walked over and got them."
Gray rock, or sometimes this works - flippant response agreeing with them, such as "Yup, that's me, the lazy a$$ B!tch, so you need to get your lazy a$$ in gear and bring the cards to me.", then gently hang up. Very often they can dish it out, but can't take it. Same deal with those hussy little b's in school who make fun of you and get a rise out of seeing you react. I had to deal with this on my own (no help from parents), but was able to work with and help my daughter when she went through this same crap. Also, hang up, or closing the door on her is fine, so long as you don't slam the phone down or slam the door. THAT would be getting a reaction from you and she will earn her reward. Just calmly hang up or close the door quietly.
Yes, it does take time and practice to get past these feelings and reactions. My daughter was 5 when we were locked out of our house by the ex. He would call during the day and push my buttons, in order to get me into an argument. SHE calmly said "Why don't you just hang up the phone?" I was dumbfounded to hear such a simple idea from a 5yo!! I did exactly that.
Whenever I felt that feeling which would lead to arguments with him, I would pause to regroup and do my best to avoid answering/getting into argument. One time he interrupted my pause with "Well, aren't you going to answer me?" I replied "No, because if I do we're going to get into an argument and I don't want to argue." He went ballistic, yelling, etc and I calmly hung up the phone and took it off the wall. I knew he would call back just to hang up, so by taking the phone off, it would ring on his end, but not my end! PEACE and QUIET for me, frustration for him! This was long before cell phones and various blocking tools. I would just go about my business and leave his crap on the floor.
We can't change others, but we can change ourselves and how we react to things. Make light of it whenever possible. Maintain neutral pose in all cases. Maybe even laugh at what is said or done, and walk away. When their words and actions no longer seem to hurt you, sometimes they give up.
"My mom is notorious for her $^%&tty behavior and I need to internalize that it is not me, it's her!"
ABSO-FN-LUTELY!!!
"Nobody actually enjoys being around her."
You recognize that, so that should also be a hint to you that YOU are not the problem, she is.
"... I had a long talk with my mom and told her if she didn't start cooperating with me, and giving me space to live my own life then I would walk away from the situation, and move. Things got better for awhile.
Now it's slipping again."
This can work, but it can also backfire. I call this the "line in the sand", like in the old cartoons - I dare you to cross this line, this line, this line. The line in the sand you make has to be one you CAN stick to. Beware that even if deemed "incompetent", just being POA doesn't mean you can "force" her to move. If she reaches a point where she can easily be duped, some kind of fib can be used, but not POA. That's how I ended up here. Mom refused to let aides in her place and was adamant she wasn't going to move anywhere, esp not AL. EC atty told me we couldn't force her and said guardianship. The place we chose wouldn't accept her if we did that. So, we had to have a fib plan. In her case, it worked.
So, I wouldn't repeat this line unless you CAN follow through. ANYTHING you say you will do MUST be doable. And then DO IT.
So you have a choice. Realize you mom has petty, nasty thoughts about you, and probably everyone, and that she will verbalize them in the hearing of everybody available.
Choices:
React as if this is true and a slur against your character. Results in anger.
Or
React as if this is not a reflection OF you, BUT a reflection of her broken mind and not-so-sterling character. Retain your dignity. Choose to deflect to another topic.
The verbal barbs that folks with dementia release are hurtful. Sometimes they mean to be hurtful and sometimes not. Usually, the comments are more a reflection of a self-focused, broken mind. I try to adjust my expectations to something a lot lower. As long as there isn't constant verbal abuse, I shrug it off.
If there is a lot of verbal abuse, consider the acronym HALT to see if there is something underlying (unspoken need) that must be addressed. H = hungry. A= angry or anxious. L=lonely. T=tired. If it isn't HALT, a short time our might be your best option.
She has diabetes and took such terrible care of herself that she has been in ketoacidosis (DKA) too many times to count, during which I'm sure she fried brain cells, so I really do try to have compassion for her. She's only 71 but looks 91. She's basically wheelchair-bound now and totally incontinent, but she can move herself in and out of the wheelchair to get into bed or get on and off the toilet. Unfortunately for me, however, just to screw with me, she will lay in bed as much as possible until everything is flooded with urine and whatever else. I know for a fact that she gets great pleasure in making me clean up her messes. And everyone else sees it too, so it's not just me taking things personally.
She has always been manipulative and nasty to me, but it feels like she gets worse by the day. I honestly found this support forum accidentally because last night I was about to have an emotional breakdown, and my husband said we need to make some changes.
I read all of the responses to this post, and I feel like I've tried most of the suggestions pretty successfully. Never heard of the gray rock method before, so I looked it up, and I totally do that! But I didn't know there was a word for it. :) So this is really encouraging.
Meanwhile, I have been paying someone to help me get her to bathe twice a week. She definitely won't do it for me or any of my siblings, but for some reason, she'll do it for this caregiver, Isabel. I'm thinking I might have Isabel come over an additional day each week just to get Mom to get out of bed, but of course that's more money. I just need a break from cleaning up bodily fluids every single day.
Also, I teach for our local university, which decided to move the majority of our courses online, so I'm stuck working from home and juggling Zoom meetings, which is a total pain when people are coming and going for Mom. I feel like I can't keep a straight thought in my head--constantly stopping my work to try to get mom to get up and eat, or go to the bathroom, or whatever. Isabel is a nursing student and she's really sweet, so mom has been more cooperative with her (but Mom is SLOW AF and I still have to be somewhat present).
I have no suggestions for ExhaustedPiper other than hiring help. No one person can do it all (even if my mom was nice, which she's not). But I do appreciate all the understanding and encouragement in this thread! You all are amazing!
I never got push-back from Mom while using Gray Rock. The technique probably works well with narcissists because it denies them the emotional feedback they crave. It might not work so well for others. Surprisingly, it has been effective with dementia. After I started using it with my mid-stage mom, she slacked off her abuse.. But then again, she may have slacked off anyway because her dementia had advanced. It's hard to say. I'm sorry it didn't work for you, NeedHelp! Mom hates to lose her audience, so I believe just "walking away" was also very effective. I might add that taking actions like these are not cruel or disrespectful, rather they are boundary and life preserving.
Golden had some great suggestions!
My godmother was like that. My husband’s grandmother was like that too.
My MIL who was the sweetest lady in the world was cursed with a mother from h*ll!
She used to say that her mom missed her calling. She should have been an actress because she would have won an academy award for her performances!
One time my husband’s grandmother told us that her ‘hair’ hurt! Her hair! So I said to her, “Do you mean your scalp?” She said, “No, dear. I said my hair hurts!” I had to walk away because I was about to laugh in her face.
I thought that the conversation was over when I returned and she started again about her hair hurting. I couldn’t help but tell her, “Your hair and fingernails are dead. They don’t have any feelings.”
Oh, I quickly learned that she did not like to be corrected! She started screaming at me telling me that her hair hurt! 😂 I finally told her, “Okay, your hair hurts.”
She said and did crazy things! My poor MIL was an only child and used to pray as a child that her mom and dad would get a divorce because her mom made her dad so miserable.
Her dad worked until his late 70’s. He was not looking forward to retirement and being with her full time.
Lately I have been working on self improvement. A side of me wants to fight for what I know I deserve--my space, some gratitude for caring for her when none of her other kids (my siblings) would, less criticism etc. Then I think about who she is now, her new reality and I feel crazy guilty because she is a child, and her mind doesn't function the way it once did.
I see the frustration in her entire body when she can't think clearly, or when she realizes that she is asking about people who have been dead for decades. I see how embarrased she is when I bathe her, and help her with her incontinence, and how she struggles to move and help in her own way.
It's frustrating, but I love her dearly. Can I just let it go, and be kind to her especially when I know that she is sick? I don't know that I can. Last night I didn't sleep because she calls me every 5-10 minutes, and this AM she tells me that I don't love her! :(
Still, she is my mom! I want to hug her, protect her and scream at her for being so mean to me. ay ay ay!
Much luck to you. Strength and kindness your way my friend. Stay strong. You can do this. You are going to be OK.
Right now it's mostly the behavioral issues that make it difficult as she is still independent with a walker, needs help in/out of tub just to prevent falls. Needs food, liquids fixed/given and AM and PM meds given. Other than that, and direction ( TV, sitting outside on patio, or further out under trees), I see a day when she may need to go to a nursing home but they won't give her all the attention she is used to.
You are not her servant. You are allowed to have to a peaceful life The less you feed her narcissism ie react to her the less she will taunt you. You are her narcissistic supply. If you refuse to provide that by setting strong boundaries, she will find someone else and you will have more peace. I wouldn't defend your self. That is points for her. Just hang up when she gets nasty.
Why does she do this - because her brain is broken -wired differently from normal. I found once I had really accepted that I expected mother to behave as she did, and I could protect myself better. No normal healthy person will behave like that. Stop wondering why and just protect yourself. It is as it is. You and many of us have been given a bad hand as far as mothers go, Our job is to deal with it and preserve ourselves.
Hooooooo-boy. I can so relate.
My mom triggered me like no one else. Aware of her dementia, she still riled me up so bady. Every negative emotion. My best solution was emotional distancing. Granted, emotional distancing is easier said than done. I've touted my success here with the gray rock method many times. The gray rock method is simply "becoming" emotionless. In other words, refuse to show your anger, alarm, frustration, grief, etc. to the person who provokes it. You may "feel" it still, but with practice the slings and arrows begin to fall away without harming you and the "triggering" responses fade away. Gray Rock accomplishes 2 things. By controlling your responses, your mom doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing you upset. This is one of her most powerful motivations: getting that delicious surge of power by upsetting you! Don't let her have it. Gray Rock works even with those with dementia. Her "attacks" may subside if you can master Gray Rock. The second (and possibly best) benefit is that by practicing "non-emotional" responses, you may actually began to feel less provoked.
When my mother is in attack mode, I pretend I'm standing in a long line at the bank. I'm only halfway "present." I zone out and let my mind focus on mundane or pleasant things. Or imagine I'm surrounded by an impenetrable bubble or aura that protects me from assaults. Whatever imagery works for you. I know it sounds weird or unlikely but for me, it worked! I typically respond to her BS with "Really?" or "Oh, I'll look into it," or in the event of overt personal insults, I've actually responded with a drab, emotionless "Don't threaten me," or don't respond at all, like I didn't even hear it. The practice of "blunting" your emotion actually blunts your emotion! But only for the person you practice Gray Rock on! The emotional blunting doesn't transfer over to other circumstances or people in your life.
It's either you or her, Piper. Her brain is broken. But yours is beautifully intact! You've got this! (((Hugs)))
Love your avatar. It’s so cute!
Did you get pushback from gray rock? It would make my mom furious. She hated it and pushed back hard.
Glad it worked for you and it seems to work for others. I don’t think anything works all of the time.
Some situations seem hopeless and we just have to walk away.
Then take a nice long vacation from her to let it sink in.
You can do it!
My mother was a very damaged, but still fiercely loving and sometimes compassionate woman. She had been horribly injured delivering me, and I’ve come to think that she never really go past that. Sometimes reclusive, sometimes plagued by months and months of agoraphobia, always terrified, bossy, laughing, solitary.
I learned as a very little kid how and when to get out of her way, and also not to be “hurt” when she took it out on me.
By the time my father died, we’d made a peace of sorts, and it never failed through the 25 or so years she lived in the little cottage where she’d spent most of her married life, and her death. I’d hear what she’d say in those years, act on what could or wanted to, and literally ignore the rest.
In that time we became very good friends. She became less defensive, and more willing to express her feelings. When, at 85, she had a stroke so bad that they didn’t know whether she’d survive, she left the hospital with the doctor’s consent after two days, went home, and rehabbed HERSELF, no therapists involved, and became my hero.
Sure wasn’t always easy, but if you let yourself, you can find peace and maybe even joy in letting all the nasty stuff slide in one ear and out the other. You can’t change a brain disrupted by dementia in any way, but you can change YOUR mind, especially for your own good.
Why not give it a try? If it can’t get worse, maybe, for yourself, you can make it better?
You have every right to these angry, resentful feelings. Ignoring your feelings is not a recommended technique for dealing with abusive parents.
Having you tried hanging up on her when she starts in? Or shutting the door in her face?
Why do YOU need yo take her to the doctor, or make her appointments for her?
Does ALZ cause this behavior or is the behavior already there and the ALZ make it worse.
My godmother who had ALZ was never a pleasant person. After the ALZ progressed, she had absolutely no filter. She could be brutal. So much so that she chased one son off completely. She hated his second wife. She wanted him to get back with his first wife.
She barely saw her other son. Maybe once every few years. He moved to California. Well, he went to the university there and never came back to New Orleans. I don’t blame him. My cousin is gay and my godmother refused to accept it.
This forum is truly a life-line. Thank you.
She can sign up for paratransit transportation to get her to her appointments and out and about to take care of her needs.
You are not responsible for her happiness or her frame of mind during this pandemic or any other time. That is something that she needs to own 100%.
I have to say it is really hard to get over the crap when it is continually dumped on us. Yes, she is a nasty toad but, you don't have to be her stool.
Let her do whatever she wants and you step back and care for you. The old saying about misery loves company obviously applies to both our mothers. They are miserable human beings and they will do their best to make sure everyone in their space is too.
Great big warm hug! This is about her ugliness and not you.
"It is as sure that those who hold grievances will suffer guilt, as it is certain that those who forgive will find peace."
The statement stuck with me; I could not get it out of my head. It's ME who suffers when I hold grievances or grudges against my mother. So...........while it's very difficult to 'forgive' a person, it's very easy to utter these words every time before you interact with her:
"Mom, I forgive you for all the things you've ever done to me and hold no grievances against you."
I'm doing that myself and it helps a little. Maybe, if we do it often enough, we will find forgiveness for THEIR shortcomings and remember that this is THEIR hideous behavior we're suffering for, not OURS.
I have found a lot of support for this decision. I don’t listen to any of the “it’s your mother” blah blah blah guilt trip talk. I really understand how you want to remove part of your brain! But don’t do that. Remove the abuser instead.
I found a supportive therapist. I actually had to start antidepressants for this situation and I do feel better. I know it will only be temporary. And I’m working on my childhood trauma caused by this woman. It took me YEARS to come to this point!
Don’t let your adult years be marred by manipulation and lies. There is no way to reason with an unreasonable person. Stop trying to understand her behavior and surround yourself with happy positive people. Good luck!
As far as support for your decision- no judgement from me, in fact that could be me one day, I do not rule it out. Last year when I was feeling at a breaking point I had a long talk with my mom and told her if she didn't start cooperating with me, and giving me space to live my own life then I would walk away from the situation, and move. Things got better for awhile.
Now it's slipping again.
My DH is experiencing this with his mother. He's baffled, but is going to read a couple of articles about dementia and narcissism and will (hopefully) go back to therapy to work out the issues he can't seem to deal with. She's 90--and you'd think by now she would have forgotten a slight or some small hurt, but no, things that happened 70 years ago are still as fresh as the day they happened.
He has always just tried to reason with his mother. This just infuriates her. She HAS to be RIGHT all the time, and you have to agree with her. She simply oozes hatred, and it's actually, so very sad.
Right now, walking out of her house and giving himself a few weeks respite has helped, but bottom line, it's HIS problem--he's been waiting for her to change his whole life. She probably won't, so he has to. Poor guy.
As long as she is not physically IN your home, you can always take off. Long walks, lazy drives, lunch out with friends--try the silent treatment with her when she's belligerent.
Good Luck. (I can't wait to see how my kids will treat me when I'm 80. They all think I'm an idiot now!! :) )
Keep us posted on your DH. Therapy did help me, so I hope it helps him too. Being around my mom as much as I need to in our current situation still makes it a huge challenge though and I am constantly fighting anxiety and depression. She IS too close! Worst mistake I ever made, and it's going to stay this way for awhile. It has to, for reasons too long and complex to go into now.
But there are walls, separate doors and locks! I've also made it clear to everyone, including her that my guestroom will NEVER be an option.
Sometimes I snap back with my own rude comment. It is hard not to. Talking to her as little as possible at this point works best. I get mad about past comments and incidence too. Many hugs.
My mom's isolation is a concern of mine, or I would spend WAY less time being around her. Last week I made some calls to my local elder agency (I forget what they call it here in FL) but I have started the process to get her on the list for services because one of the services is Elder Companions. I'm supposed to get a call back this week.
You would think that after 76 years of living my mom would have figured out that you get more and better company if you treat people well. But nope. Nobody actually enjoys being around her. Sad.
"God! What a cow!"
[you have to do the accent yourself, you understand]
and I have felt so much better about it ever since. It's not me being pathetic. It's my sister being a b!tch.
It's not your reaction. It's your mother's being a... well. Supply your own word for it.
Also. I have to point out. How can someone who can't be arsed to pick up a card and read it over the phone, call the other person lazy for not coming round to her house?
Buy her a magnifying glass. Then she can make her own dam' eye appointments.
You need to share this answer with anyone suffering with these struggles.
Once my therapist told me that my mom was great at manipulation and was a burden for me to cope with.
I was upset that he said that at first, until I realized he was speaking the truth. That’s when my perspective started to change on my situation.
Again, this is a fabulous response to this question.
Daughter: "Mom, can you come and flea treat the cats with me"
Me: "Oh, Hon, sorry, I can't. I just have too much on the plate"
Her: (indignant) "Well! So I guess you have too much to help your daughter. I called you because you are the ONLY ONE who is capable of helping with this!"
Me: "I'm so sorry. Guess what I am telling you now is that I am NOT capable of handling it. Good luck."
Eventually they get it. They aren't going to get an argument. They are just not going to get the response they want. And their own brain gives another path a try.
It is simple recognition (and you GOT THAT!) and then action (you can do this).
Hopefully your suggestion will work. Sometimes nothing worked with my mom. She has no dementia.
Mom had a mean streak at times, was a perfectionist and could be stubborn as a mule when she desired but was sharp as a tack according to her neurologist.
It is truly exasperating and exhausting to deal with these situations. I can empathize with the OP.
Just thinking about your line about being a brain surgeon. Hahaha, I bet a lot of people feel as you do.
It’s impossible not to be frustrated because of your close living quarters. It’s totally different for someone who doesn’t live near their parent and experience the day in and day out torture.
Naturally a person won’t get as frustrated if they only see their parent once or twice a year.
I find it’s when the stress becomes chronic from frequent visits or living with their parents that it escalates into being unbearable to cope with.
I’m glad that you are setting boundaries. That helps. Overbearing behavior is so annoying. It’s a personality trait. Short of your fantasy of performing the lobotomy on your mom, I have no idea what the answer is other than therapy for you to learn coping techniques.
Honestly, I feel after years of dealing with tough situations we sort of become desensitized to it. One day you may find yourself numb to it all.
It’s tempting to be sarcastic and suggest the following listed below:
Wear earplugs
Skip town
Tell her that you have made an appointment with a brain surgeon for her to fine tune her personality!
I apologize for my sarcasm. I realize it’s a real problem and it’s driving you crazy.
So sorry that you have this aggravation in your life. Best wishes to you.