toco8560 Asked September 2018
If a parent wants to die at home, when the time comes how does one handle illness?
Follow
Share
What if a parent becomes sick with vomiting, but doesn't want doctors or hospitals to be involved?
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
26 Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Popular Questions
Ask a Question
I have to say that Hospice is nice...however, the experience I have had is VERY limited with them. as in, their service has been much LESS than I thought it would be. Our nurse is very non chalant and while I am watching my elderly mother actively die they are telling me (on the telephone) it looks like I am doing everything right and haven't even popped in to see if my mother or myself need anything during this critical time. I have found private care CNAs or experienced end of life caregivers are actually a MUST have at this point. Watching someone die is not a TV moment- close your eyes, etc. It is gut wrenching, up and down, and all sorts of symptoms and behaviors that will send any caregiver into a tail spin. Yes on the Hospice, but always have a plan B to fall back on.
I had an aunt with a similar attitude; and, actually, a not dissimilar family set-up. Her grandson stayed with her on and off - needed the roof over his head, truth be told, though he did also give her help and company, he wasn't a bad lad - and she had made sensible preparations many years ahead by moving into a self-contained apartment within a facility.
However. What none of us knew, because she went to some lengths to conceal it, was that she had been diagnosed with Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia. This is a disease which can be controlled for quite a long time but inevitably, eventually, shifts into an acute, lethal phase.
Aunt was determined to stay in control. She was also a retired doctor, and so knew what she would have to control, so to speak. Her plan was that she would die at home without interference.
And had she not allowed her DIL to bring two little great-grandchildren to stay with her over Christmas, aunt would have got her wish. It would have been hideous, terrifying and painful, but she'd have got it.
DIL, who had no nursing experience beyond standard family matters, complied with aunt's refusal to accept any medical or nursing help right up until a massive haematemesis. At this point I happened to ring with Christmas greetings, and DIL told me apologetically that she had insisted aunt let her call for help - bearing in mind this was the first I'd heard of it I couldn't understand what she was being so apologetic about. An ambulance arrived, aunt was taken to hospital, she was stabilised, she lived for a few days which included time with her son who had come from overseas to be with her, and she died peacefully on New Year's Day - in hospital.
The moral of the story for your fiancé and his mother is this. If the lady wishes to die unmolested at home, an aim which I can entirely understand, the way to do that is to accept help at home and have your end-of-life support ready in place. If she continues to fly solo, there is likely to come a point where the symptoms become so frightening or so painful that she will crash; and the result of that will be the *opposite* of what she wants.
It is also, of course, quite possible that what is causing her pain right now is not what she fears. Nurse she may be, but qualified diagnostician she is not. Obviously I wouldn't say that to her! - not unless you want a poke in the eye, anyway - but it might be worth arguing that finding out where she stands is not at all the same thing as changing her position.
Don’t give in and follow throughI had to do that with my husband
He just accepted things and he was able to die at home as he wanted
My dad wanted to die at home as well. My dad’s caregiver and I had to call the ambulance to take my dad to the hospital because he was hurting badly and then we found out that he was dying of advanced lungs cancer. He ended up going to the the hospice room until he died three days later.
I did not like it at first, but I’m glad that I did it because it was a right thing to do.
If you benefit from the death in any way, could be a minefield for you.
You are not actually a family member, right? She’s a neighbor?
So where is this persons family in all this?
I recently asked for a Palliative Care consult for someone and was told that only happens at the end of life. So some places still only have hospice services available under the palliative care umbrella. However, Palliative care has been expanded to cover chronic non life threatening illnesses in some areas of the country. Medical professionals help you weigh the pros and cons of various medical interventions with the goals that you, the patient, set. Maybe you will be lucky enough to have that available to you.
You could point out, too, that wanting to be allowed to die with dignity, not being poked with needles or forced into hospital, should not mean that she has to put up with vomiting and feeling terrible. Symptoms like this can be treated just as well at home.
Once a person refuses treatment for a "life limiting condition" the person is probably Hospice eligible.
And do not call just 1 Hospice call a few and "interview" them. Just like you would research a new doctor for yourself, buy a car, or book a vacation package you need to compare what they have to offer. Look at reviews then make a decision. Many times people do not have the option to pick and choose but if you can do so.
Hospice can make keeping your loved one at home possible with the right equipment and supplies. Having a Nurse come in at least 1 time a week, a CNA a few times a week, and the availability of a Social Worker, Chaplain, other therapies as well as volunteers that can come in and help.
And the choice to go on Hospice is not a permanent one if they or you decide later that this was the wrong choice you can go off Hospice at any time. And you can go back on if you so desire.
I had so little time to just be with my husband as he died.
The phone kept ringing, or hospice people came and went, or I had to keep the oxygen machinery clean, change the bed, do the laundry, prep food and clean up, bed bath him, give meds, and keep him comfortable as much as possible.
To leave the house to buy groceries or do any outside necessary activity I had to time it to the hospice visits or get the 4 hr a week volunteer to stay with him. He didn't want anyone there who wasn't absolutely necessary and it was heck of a problem.
We were private people and didn't have a lot of friends he was comfortable with to ask for help. No family in this retirement area, either. If they had been here, they all would have been working and mostly unavailable anyway. i was lucky one sister was with me when he died. She just took over so I had time to cry.
It was a long term stress that left me exhausted from lack of sleep, no rest breaks to speak of, no opportunity to refresh if I'd had the freedom for it.
Hospice was a help w/ medical care, but i have thought ever since that there had to be a better way. Wish I knew what it was, aside from overriding his wishes and sending him to a hospital so others would do all many care functions and he and i could hold hands and just be together with our memories and our love in his last hours.
My plans for my end do not even entertain the idea of home care. I will get myself into a hospital or die quickly by whatever means available. Those will be my best ways.
My mother’s cancer metastasised to her abdomen and she had frequent bowel movements but very little nausea – probably much the same level of cleaning up. It was very helpful to have the doctor for medications, particularly for morphine in the final stages which might otherwise have been quite painful. The local pharmacist was also helpful, with a home delivery service and fuss-free sympathy. There are no ‘wrong’ decisions unless they cause pain, so there is nothing to be afraid of in a home death, but I would suggest that you have a sensible GP who is prepared to home visit when needed. It also makes the death certificate straightforward if the doctor knows what is happening.
Is she chronically sick? Or have any gastric/intestinal problems?
Does she have any family and appointed a POA?
How old is she?
Does she have a terminal illness?
Does she suffer with any dementia?
Does she have a POLST on file with any hospital?
If she is mentally competent, she has the right not to use medical care of any kind. As difficult as that may be, it's the law. Maybe you can use over the counter medications to relieve certain medical problems like nausea, constipation, allergies, etc.
There are various home remedies for nausea (mint tea or mint aromatherapy, ginger tea or candy, inhale lemon oil, saltine crackers, Pepto Bismol, Kaopectate, Dramamine or Coke syrup (medication called Emetrol) can make you feel better.
Don't lie flat but be propped up somewhat. Try to sleep on the left side. Eat small, bland meals. Avoid strong smells and get a bit of fresh air. Some folks use vitamin B6 supplement when nauseated.
No smoking, coffee, spicy food or alcohol.
This IS a person very close to me. She was doing well up until the last week. Her son is taking care, he even had to quit his job to do so, making it difficult for himself. He nursed her back from death basically (she was VERY bad off emotionally & physically) two and a half years ago. The daughter had left her to die basically. Nevertheless, she specifically does not want any help. We asked if we could take her to the ER today, she refused. What then? She is mentally competent, very much so.
I've found all the foods she should eat and avoid. She doesn't smoke, drink or eat spicy foods. She has her meals prepared for her every single day, healthy ingredients. She wont take any supplements Or medicine. She actually got much better NOT taking prescribed meds for diabetes and thyroid. She is so skinny now, she doesn't even display Type 2 diabetes. She used to be a NURSE herself, so she knows what should be done. Shes been on broth now, crackers, sipping water. Today she took a turn for the worse. She is just lying down. She eats ginger almost on a daily basis. I may try the Emetrol, thank you for the suggestions.
Have they seen a doctor in the past - any idea of what might be wrong? Not just flu is it?
I don't know if you could report them to APS for self-neglect...Do you have medical POA, do they have a health directive, or similar document specifying their treatment decisions?