I'm a few days shy of turning 50 and lost my beloved husband 15 months ago. Ever since I was a child, especially after the divorce of my parents when I was 10, the relationship has been on again/off again with my mother. Her love was always conditional. All of these years, she would say snide and cutting remarks to me (and when she was nice there was never an apology but a focus on how awful she was in general- without addressing anything specific; almost as if she wanted me to make her feel better). I learned early on this was just how it was and I accepted the label of co-dependent & enabler...when the divorce was filed, she gladly accepted the offer from this 10 year old to take care of her emotionally and financially (listening to her processing the divorce etc...getting a paper route & other odd jobs and handed over any advice and earnings). There are many stories and I've chosen the last few years to not keep replaying the past and to just move forward. When my beloved husband and I found out his disease, that was once manageable, had turned a difficult corner...putting him in chemo and radiation etc. 5 months into the new medical schedule, my mother had the audacity to use air quotes when she asked if he was still "ailing". With tears welling up I turned to her friend sitting at the table and said it was nice meeting her and heard as I walked towards the door, my mother say "Oh don't pay any attention. It's all an act". I was beyond crushed. I realized at that point she had done nothing but push people away her whole life (my brother hasn't spoken with her in over 15yrs)...her greatest fear was that she would die alone. She'd try to push me away for years...and she finally figured out how: attack (my husband & soulmate) the the one person who taught me unconditional love, communication and what family means. Her friend continued to keep me up to date once, my mother expressed an interest in going into an independent living facility only to back out last minute. Eventually, her landlord got involved. I found a facility, the landlord took her over and got her moved. Despite the landlord saying I should be POA my mother refused and wound up giving the landlord that responsibility. After being moved from that facility to a group home, telling her that my mother's dog died (my mother's whole world btw), and is now in a psychiatric/lock down area in a care facility. I don't know if the landlord is still the POA or if she turned it over to the state. I received a phone call from my mother the other day (the last call she made to me was the day before thanksgiving) telling me the name of the facility where she is and doesn't know where her car is (landlord returned the lease before she made the first move). Today I went over to the facility and it looks like a place for the indigent. It's honestly horrific and she's among mentally ill patients not memory care. Plus, she has a really bad cough. I mourned the loss of my mother so many years ago and realize the culmination of her poor decisions and inability to want to be fully part of my husband and my life is what has brought her to her current situation...but...at the same time...it's really hard to see where she is. I just want her in a safe, caring and mentally stimulating environment...I don't think it's guilt...maybe ego. All I know is she has Medicare, ALTCS and social security funds that could go to maybe a better place. I'm not looking to take over care but I'm also concerned with the the quality of care. Do I have a right to ask questions (chest xray? Psych eval? etc) I appreciate this forum and felt better reading what is already here but thought I'd ask fo some input with this situation.
Many Thanks!
Your mother has a wide range of rights, which include family relationships if the other parties are also willing to maintain these.
I wouldn't make any assumptions about where she would be best placed on the basis of one visit. Also - how long has your mother been in the unit where she currently is? It may be that a longer-term care plan is already in development. You can, if you like, volunteer to be included as a factor to be considered in that plan; but don't unless you're confident you can cope with regular contact. Tread carefully.
You shouldn't be given confidential (including medical, psychiatric and personal) information unless your mother is currently able to state that she wants you to be, and again I don't think you should ask for it unless you're also able to do something with it. Your mother wouldn't be in this unit unless she had been evaluated (she couldn't have been admitted without it); but as to what was found on evaluation - no dice. You have no right to that information without your mother's consent.
Some people are extremely hard to help. They cruelly punish anyone who attempts to do so - it's the signature "go away don't leave me" cry of the borderline personality disorder. Your mother's landlord sounds like a bit of a hero, actually - have you spoken to him?
Try to avoid having ANY expectations of your mother. She is very damaged. It probably was never her fault, who knows how her personality came to be? The only thing you do know for certain is that it definitely was never your fault, either. Do what you are able to do for her because you care about her as a human being, not in the lingering hope that she will respond well as your mother.
Watch out for yourself while all this is going on. You lost your husband at a young age only a short time ago. Be reasonable about what it's fair to ask of yourself.
You brought tears to my eyes as I read your reply...because of your clarity, compassion and I now don't feel alone going through this.
First:
Would I ask the facility who is responsible for her or should I call the state?
Second:
I was really grateful for her landlord (absolutely). When she first reached out to me I expressed my willingness to be involved but behind the scenes; sharing with her that my mother wanted nothing to do with me but I wanted to be sure she was happy and in a safe place. If that meant helping her with move-in costs to an independent or assisted living facility then I would (even if I had to put it on a credit card). I also shared with her that I couldn't do a lot of the heavy lifting physically or emotionally since I had just lost my husband - I was really clear that was for-her-information-only and not to be shared with my mother. A couple weeks later she told me she was trying to convince my mother to make me POA. My mother made a comment about how I never call or come around. The landlord then said that I had a rough year and told her about my beloved's passing (violated BIG TIME) especially when I was sobbing saying that was not hers to share/she violated my trust etc I asked if she remembered that I told her not to share that info and she confirmed I did but that she was trying to somehow get that to change my mother's decision on designating me the POA (?). I've allowed myself to be manipulated most of my life so this was just so backwards not to mention a violation of my trust. So when the landlord asked for a check for the total move-in of $2500 two days later I was suspicious because that wasn't what we spoke about at the onset of all of this (my mother had enough money between her medicare and social security: I was privy to her finances before finding an IL/AL place. I didn't know this woman before she called me and felt if I couldn't trust this person with emotionally sensitive information (who chose to use it as a manipulative tool instead) how on earth could I trust her with just writing a check, carte blanche? When I pressed for an itemized list of costs/bills, it wasn't adding up to the $2500. It was at that point I blocked her calls. She then reached out to my brother (finding him on social media) asking him to help since "I refused to be involved". Since he knew I was the only one in relationship with our mother over the years, he called me and figured this was some kind of scam...plus, he was pretty strong on his stand of not wanting to have anything to do with our mother or this woman.
My mother got settled at the new place but then was getting lost to find her apartment (this was less than 2wks of her being there). So, after 30 days my mother was moved to a group home and all of her belongings donated. Apparently, when my mother visited the group home and found out she couldn't bring her dog, my mother stormed out and said "then I'm not staying here". Somehow they separated her from her dog and then told her the dog was run over by a car. Three days later my mother's friend sent me a gory head-pic of a fall that my mother had and I should go visit her..."she's deteriorating quickly". She then told me that the POA reached out to my brother again and told him if he ever wanted to see his mother again he should come out now as she doesn't have much longer. I asked my brother and he said he never heard from anyone after the initial contact a couple of months earlier. Meanwhile, my distraught mother began trying to leave to try and find her dog and became combative; wanting her dog. So the POA thought it would be a good idea to take my mother to visit her dog that was returned to the woman my mom adopted her from years ago. This would be super upsetting for any sane person let alone someone with dementia and/or psych problems.
And oh yeah, I had to take over my husband's business so that's kinda stressful too. 😕
Anecdotally, my daughter has a friend who was in approximately the same position as you, with a Borderline Personality Disorder mom who forged daughter's signiture on a lease(I wanted YOU to have the apartment when I was gone, dear) and basically made her life hell. Daughter moved heaven and earth to get mama into a nice Medicaid AL but mama knew better, ended up in a homeless shelter and then died in the hospital.
There are some folks who are beyond our help and your mother sounds like one of them. Visit. Express concerns to nurse and sw. No more than that
I wrote a lot with my response to Countrymouse, so feel free to read more.
Would the facility release that info to me then?
When I was there yesterday the nurse wanted my phone number. I never got around to it (I'm a little nervous about getting too involved or somehow becoming responsible for her. Sheesh, I wanna be involved but I don't...well, that sounds half-baked, doesn't it??).
It's hard going this on my own without my husband. I'm quickly realizing this is my unfinished business not his or "ours".
Your last paragraph, is solid. Thank you BarbBrooklyn ❤️
For you, if you can press one button and make your mother comfortable, go ahead. It won’t make her nice, reasonable, honest, or motherly. If it drags you into her world, don’t do it. It is not your responsibility to transform her character or sort out whatever problems she has got herself into. My sisters and I now say ‘Our Father which aren’t in heaven’, and there never was anything we could do about that.
Do you mind me asking if that bothered you? Did you struggle with that?
The reason I ask is for personal reasons. My deceased brother was a very complicated man. The good part of him was very good. The bad part was truly frightening to me.
I had concerns about his soul. It tore me up for a long time. Eventually I accepted it.
I would not get dragged into finding out who is responsible for your mthr now. I am pretty sure that the landlord had sense to give your mom over to the state. The state would guard her money so that the landlord probably did not get any reimbursements. I'd bet that the charges would add up to $2500 if you included a good hourly rate for what landlord did - I'm sure it was not easy and if you had a case manager could have been much more. If you are feeling generous, you could send some of that, but not all since you have siblings. I would not worry either way.
I understand about your reluctance to give the home your number. They might think you would want to visit frequently or be updated. I'm waiting for mthr to die in her MC now and I am not interested in sitting with her when she's on death's door. I've been done with her for a long time.
The thing about the nursing home looking like it's a bunch of crazies and homeless? Well, your mom could have chosen to make better plans and to seek treatment for herself, but she chose this way instead. Don't feel bad about her poor choices she's made all her life.
Keep your chin up and stop worrying. You don't need the drama. Send a card every once in a while if it makes you feel good, and go visit once a year or so so you are on the periphery. Your mother is taken care of and safe; you have other fish to fry that demand your attention. Blessings to you!
Continued blessings and peace to you :)
My deepest condolences for the loss of your husband.
I truly understand that you do not want your mom to have subpar care. As far as I know, you usually do not get to have a say if someone becomes a ward of the state.
Can you contact the social worker at the facility to express your concerns? I am so sorry. Others will address your situation. I truly hope you will find a solution to this horrendous situation.
Holding space and energy is just as helpful (big hugs!).
I am surprised that the state would take guardianship as this means a court action, without family invovled.
In order to know exactly who is POA and who is responsible you may now need to go to the Social Worker of the facility and see who is responsible. Wishing you good luck. Sounds as though Mom has been difficult all her life; things don't get better at the end for sure when this is the case. Good luck.
Finally after six months of worsening health Mom agreed to let her dr go. But the health plan will take only take an informal complaint and no will ever know what drs do wrong. I left two years ago a went to care for my cousin. Her mother had died two years in 2017. It was another level of medical professionals power over families. Again I was only a niece with no power no matter how many government agencies I contacted they cleared the rehab facility. I even called the state governor for help, they ran me around. I called before they even thought about cutting off her legs, every agency cleared them, I called the Gov after they cut off each leg. She died about five months later. I had even found a whistleblower case about the facility, still no one helped me. I've learned since then that you can call the police to do a wellness check on your relative. You have to be in the vicinity. Then you pick up that report. Law enforcement may not have time to write all details if they haven't then take to police station and submit an official report to an investigator. I've since learned you can barred from visiting. So then they came after her daughter whom I care for. I'd been fighting Humana health plan for two years, for delaying services, then they started "Pending" services and equipment, on their care plans while still getting paid by Medicaid. Normally people get sicker without their services and in and out if hospital. Racage our health care system. So I called agencies that should protect us and Humana called the same agencies and made reports against me. HUmana filed a unverifed report no dates, or times , DCF did not check any facts. They picked up my relative and did not abide by any of the Florida Statues. The judge signed everything without me present and removed my name. My relative had not been in and out of hospital since I'd come to live with her, we both lost 4 to six sizes in weight because of nutrition cooking and blending, moving from insulin to pills, her, Humana makes more money if she is high risk. Ok make reports to AHCA expect a letter. Lawyers dont want cases unless property can pay.