If I drop POA because its all too much and my dad is uncooperative in everything, but want to still visit as a son socially from time to time for stability , how does one explain what has happened to the elder? (he has dementia). How to explain that I no longer have decision making ability at all , and that if he complains about things there is really nothing I can do about it?
You have done all that you can do for your dad. Whether he knows this or not is sort of irrelevant.
I am glad to see that you are looking out for yourself. So many times caregivers place their own lives on hold, which only causes additional stress to an already stressful situation.
Your physical and emotional health are very important. I am thrilled that you aren’t going to make the mistake that I and others have made by placing our parent’s needs above our own.
You are not abandoning your father. Hopefully, he will realize this. Even if he doesn’t, you are still going to be a part of his life.
Best wishes to you as you transition into this new phase.
I wish I had good answers 🥺. It is next to impossible to explain since Dad most likely will not understand , grasp or remember , as Dad gets stuck in his own OCD thought loops.
I doubt Dad will act any differently than he does now when you visit him . He will still be fixated , complaining and wanting you or anybody he can recruit to fix things to how he wants them to be . Just as he even tries to get his brother to help him get his way . He’s a collection of broken records. He’s also like a kid that goes from one parent that says “ No “ to the other trying to get the answer he wants to hear .
If you say anything I think you may have to say that a professional is going to be enlisted to manage all his requests and make sure he gets the care he needs .
It may not stick , you may have to keep saying it , and as his dementia gets worse , you may have to just go to vague , stalling answers about his requests , “ the options are being considered “. “ Perhaps that can be looked into “. “ It may take time for that “. The doctor will have to be consulted “.
Hopefully others here have better answers. It’s a tough one for sure.
up to question her decisions …. It might help a little bit with the day to day complaints and pressing for daily answers , some of which she may be able to deflect . It would sort of be like having a care manager manage a parents care if one lives far away….however she has seen how difficult he is and may or may not want to take such a role on….but she is pretty good with dementia it seems
You say yourself when he complains, so he is going to continue being dad, venting and chewing on you, so why give up the only authority you have to help where you can?
You don't have to make decisions now for every complaint just because you are his POA. You just have to learn to navigate your boundaries and what really needs your attention. Easier said than done but, very possible.
Not saying you, as his son, shouldn't wash your hands of it. Just want you to understand it will be permanent and leave you and possibly dad, hanging in a crisis. Which speaking from personal experience, takes years off your life. I watched my dad receive abominable care, almost went to jail and, raised a hospital roof, all because I didn't have a POA and he wasn't able to self advocate. They wouldn't have treated him if I wasn't there. The places I had to go to get him care made me realize that I would not being doing it again because someone doesn't want to assign a POA. It was a brutal experience and one you could possibly face if you give up your authority.
Read the state law that fully explains what your fiduciary responsibilities are and operate from that. I promise you will be saying no, nope, not gonna happen a whole lot more once you know what you're truly required to do as POA.
Anywho, I have followed your story and I felt compelled to share what I have here.
Best of luck dealing with the most difficult situation in life, becoming your parents authority. Hard on everyone involved. May you find the right path forward 🙏.
I've considered that option too with my Mom but decided no one else knows her like I do. I've also come to learn there are limits in even being POA. It comes down to handling what you know you can in the legal things and saying no to the rest.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I personally wouldn't be comfortable handing over certain things to a lawyer and specifically the state. I'm the only option my Mom has at this point.
Good luck in your decision.
Thinking of you.
On other posts where it has been recommended to drop PoA and things improved, it is because the adult child walked away completely. You seem to still want it both ways, but you won't be able to have it. You're the only one who can change and adjust and remember. Maybe some/most of the mental load will be lifted for you if you drop PoA, but it won't improve his treatment and expectations of you. And then when a problems continue to need solving, you'll once again have a front-row seat to the trainwreck with no power. Isn't that where you started? Please stop wanting him to be someone he can't, won't be and never was.
I wouldn't give up the POA either, who knows what could happen? I think losing control would make matters worse, the stress of worrying!!
He is not going to understand that ur giving up POA. What you need to do is set boundaries for yourself. I really don't think at this point he will stop expecting things from you.
before going further into thought about dropping POA, I’m going to push again for Geri- psychiatry evaluation and posssible medication, which may well help the situation a lot
Try for meds . And if you want , a trial use of a care manager . You’ve got this !!
I read a summary of the state expectations of a POA of an elder. There are not a lot of details stated, mostly to make sure the POA is acting in the Primcipal’s best interest. It doesn’t say you have to tackle each and every problem or concern per se.
You can’t fix everything either .
Don’t kill yourself trying .
The best thing I did for myself was to accept that my mother was always going to be miserable no matter what . That was always who she was .
The problem was my mother made her happiness my problem . I had to accept that she could not understand that her happiness was not my responsibility , nor could she understand that I could not fix it .
He made you his POA. You have to RESIGN with a letter to him.
And hopefully he is competent enough to receive it and get state guardianship.
I really don't understand the question. Do you mean you want to know what to tell OTHERS?
Because A) it isn't their business at ALL and they shouldn't be asking. But B) IF they ask you simply say:
"I'm not fee really to discuss Dad's private affairs, but I have decided it is best that I stay his SON, and not his POA. So he now will have a Fiduciary to take care of his affairs and I will be his son."
So that's the answer for that hoard of "others", who, like me (Roger would tell you) are NOSY! Ha ha.
Now on to Dad himself. If he is competent enough to get the letter of resignation then it is :
"Dad, my trying to make decisions for you hasn't worked well for either of us, and I don't want to be your "decider-in-chief" and so I am not going to be your POA. We will get a Fiduciary who will have the oversight of the entire court system of our State to watch over him, and I can go back to being your son".
End of statement.
Easy. Real easy when approached with honesty. Because it is the dead on truth from what you have written to us.
Now if Dad can't be resigned (not competent) then it is the attorney and you tell him the same thing essentially, but it will be less well understood, and what, in the throes of dementia, IS understood? Virtually nothing, right.
You need to act in your father's best interests, NOT do everything he tells you to,
Phrases like "I need to check into that" , "that's not something I can do anything about", and "I'm going to leave now; I'll come back when we can talk about something less contentious" might be very useful.
And remember, you DO need to get up and leave when he gets nasty.
Strugglin , these things happen with dementia and you can’t fix it all . You have to let some of it go and not micromanage. Nobody is going to fire you from being POA . PT will be documenting that Dad is uncooperative . A lot of elderly are . That’s not your fault . PT is giving you PDF , but that means nothing . You don’t have to worry about them . PT just wants to document they tried another avenue. Just stop PT . It’s a trigger for Dad . If he calms down on meds , perhaps he could try PT again .
You don’t have to keep notes .
It’s called picking your battles and PT isn’t one of them , he may not be able to follow directions anymore and it’s frustrating for him . Many elderly can’t do PT .
My mother and father in law rarely took showers , they refused. The facility didn’t blame me. My mother refused to go the cardiologist anymore , ok , we stopped . FIL refused to see neuropsych after one cog test in AL , so he didn’t . They will start refusing health care things. It’s too overwhelming for them . My Mom was managed by the in-house doctor . FIL as well , with only occasional visits to a cardiologist .
I do understand about the yelling and verbal abuse , we feared my FIL would get kicked out. So just try to get Dad on some meds and don’t worry about PT , or some other things that set him off that aren’t getting done . The goal is just to keep him in the facility . And if needed a move to memory care .
You don’t have to make all the decisions for him. He can do what he wants, and you won’t intervene unless you can see that it will be very very bad for him. But if you must intervene, there is no point in him arguing. He is not arguing with you, he is arguing with the law. If he tries to argue, deflect to ‘it’s the law’. ‘Get another lawyer if you want to argue’ may be a better choice than ‘get another POA”.