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We’ve tried the VA, his insurance GEHA, and through other businesses but none of them say I can paid through them. He also makes too much money to be placed on welfare for me to get paid. I’ve taken care of him for a whole year as of December 26. He pays me $200 out of guilt it seems because he’s openly told me he feels horrible that I stopped my life to take care of him. He’s my last grandparent and I had helped my mom with her parents when their time was running out so it’s just something i’m used to and I am ok doing it because they mean a lot to me. Is there any way I can possibly get paid through some type of company or business so that way he doesn’t have to pay me out of pocket anymore? I don’t like him giving me the money he worked so hard throughout his life to build up.

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Blue,

Your response to me said you are sad. Of course you are. You cannot possibly be happy doing this.

You need to be preparing yourself for your future. You are so young! Please go back to school. You can get a part time job and still visit your grandpa.

I adored my grandpa but I wouldn’t have ever done what you have at your age. It’s just too much!

Please step away so you can see clearly. Go speak to someone. Anyone, a therapist, clergy? any trusted adult, a good friend, somebody that will help you see how wrong this is for you.

The only thing you are accomplishing is digging a hole for yourself if you stay where you are. Let someone more suitable care for your grandpa.
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We believe in you. Many here have been in similar situations. We recognize that you are stronger than you think you are because we have supported others break away from abusive relationships. Your “family” will do everything they can to make you stay where you are. But you are stronger. You posted on this forum. You know that you want to change your life.

We believe in you. Make your plan. Look up gray stone technique and other ways to free yourself from their attempts to push you back down. This is your chance.

You have opened up to us. We appreciate your honesty. And, we believe you can change your circumstances. We have seen others do it. You can, too. Keep posting here and make your escape plan.
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Please go back to work & school & help your mother get a caregiver through an agency in your area.

If you want to be paid as a caregiver, get a CNA & get regular job in a hospital or nursing home. There you can get paid, have benefits, vacation...& a place to go every day. It’s a year experience on your resume. Then maybe you can attend classes to become LPN or RN while working as CNA!

In addition, the program you were referring to is CDPAP ...getting paid as family caregiver.....& is only if he’s on Medicaid.
Hugs 🤗
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Yes, "unfortunately i’m used to this." Your were groomed to be used and now you are emotionally attached to your abusers which is how they keep you in bondage.

Your's is a classical case of childhood emotional abuse and neglect. You do have choices and given your background they are going to be very hard to make, but only you can! It's too bad that you are 22 for social services could help you.

If you want to see a new day and have those suicidal thoughts to go away, then you must get away. Are you only living for your grandfather?

Sorry, but you worry too much about how others are going to react when you put up some healthy boundaries which your family does not have. Yes, they are not going to like it and they will like you less, but all of that is their problem. I wish you could get one, but you desperately need a healthy adult to talk with who may be able to give you some assistance. Is there a former professor or classmate you can talk with?
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I think its admirable that you have replied to so many offering suggestions. Unfortunately you continue to give excuses. Either you want to help yourself or won't. Most people don't really want to die prematurely. They want the pain that creates those feelings to go away. If you kill yourself in a sense you will have failed at life. You don't come across as a failure. This situation is very wrong but only you can put you first. The other family members will just have to figure it out. There is no point coming to this site and stating this situation,looking for help and then giving all the excuses even if they are the reality. Something will have to give. You have to decide your life has worth and value. Otherwise continue to accept the present situation and know it will lead you nowhere.
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Blue49 - I apologize for being rude here. Your middle name must be SUCKER.

You volunteer to give up your life to help for FREE thinking it's a noble thing to do. NO, it's not. It's a dumb thing to do.

Grandpa paid you $200 out of guilt. OMG. OMG. He expects you to work 24/7 for free. And so does everyone else. And so did you. You did this to yourself. So, you need to get yourself out of it. Stop being a doormat.

Grandpa can live another 5-10 years. When he's gone, you'll be in late 20s or early 30s with no job, no marketable skills, no money, no home. You'll be lost in more ways than one.

Go back to school. Get a part time job. Taking care of grandpa is the job for his children to sort out. They can take turn taking care of him or they can pay someone to do it.

Stand up for yourself. Tell his children that you're done. You're done putting your life on hold. . If they gripe, tell them it's their turn or they can hire caregivers to do the job they expect you to do for free. How dare them going about their lives and giving you dirty looks when you bought a pair of shoes out of the meager money grandpa paid you.

From this point on, you should know you're being taken advantage of. If you don't stop, then it's on you. You can't blame anyone else.
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Blue49, if you have the ability and compassion to take care of ailing family members, you have the ability to do other jobs. Is there any other person in your family in whom you can confide who might help you get out of this situation? If not, do you have any friends or former teachers or classmates you can talk to?
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You're being taken advantage of, big time. While the work may be 'easy' and you love your grandpa, caring for him has caused you to put your life on hold. And for $200 a MONTH? You are basically a slave. Work that out through the hours you work, you're making less than $1 per hour. AND you're missing out on the building years which are so crucial.

My dad wanted me to drop out of college to take care of my mother when I was 18. She was having one of her 'spells'-(depression) and there were still 3 kids home who were younger than me. I worked it out with dad, dropped 10 hrs and so I only got half-day college and then the joy of basically being the 'mom' for 2 years. I SO RESENT her for being so selfish that she wouldn't
seek help and stand up and be a mother and wife. I never did get the chance to graduate and now I have a family of kids/inlaw kids who all have multiple degrees--and I didn't even get my AA.

Dad did pay me a decent hourly wage so I could afford school and my other needs, but I was missing out on the day to day that a PT job takes and this dynamic ruined any relationship I had with my mother.

Only you can decide how to run your life. If you feel you MUST take care of granddad, then your family needs to be coughing up a LOT more money. And, if you feel you cannot leave him, look into online classes or night classes. DO NOT DROP OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Blue49 Dec 2019
If I were to ask for money my family will view me as a greedy b*tch. I’ve gotten some dirty looks from a few of them just for having a new pair of shoes that I bought with what he paid me. I also think if I choose to be direct and tell everyone I simply can’t do this anymore that i’ll never be treated with respect again. I think they would use the “Well you willingly stopped all of your life to do this.” against me. Unfortunately my family is like that someone always has to be used for the rest of the family to function normally. I’ve been used by others in the past so unfortunately i’m used to this and the guilt trips and verbal abuse that comes with it. I just don’t see any easy way out of this situation unless I were to die if i’m honest.
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Your willingness to do this has opened the door for others to use you and abuse you. I'd give them a two week notice, go back to work if you can find a job and return to college. If they know you are serious about leaving, they will do some fast moving unless they try to guilt, fear or obligate you into staying where you are and how you are. This is not your monkey, not your circus! Take care of you. This is a very important time in your life. Otherwise, you may end up disabled, dirt poor, and homeless by continuing to stay there.
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Blue49 Dec 2019
I have no job and have not gone back to school at all as of last year. If I tried to be direct and say i’d like to live I think i’d be met with “well you said you’d do this so just do it till he gets bad enough to be in a home.” I do fear for my future but depression also makes me think I don’t have that long of a future. I really do think once he passed my suicide attempts will come back and I worry that it will.
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Please be aware that this will become a huge responsibility as time goes by. I most recently release care of my 98 yr old mother with dementia to a care home. Prior to putting her there, I carried a great guilt that I would not abandone her. But I had to. It was making me I'll and she was getting worse and I couldn't handle it. Get on with your life to make sure that lack of funds or support will not be your problem in the future. HUGE HUG.
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Blue49, I'm very concerned about you. I think your health will worsen if you continue to take care of your grandfather.
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Blue49 Dec 2019
I don’t doubt it I know my mental health has gone down a lot. I’m just stuck with no way out.
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Lymie mentioned a care contract. Our own agingcare.com site has several threads or posts about care contracts. This protects your grandfather AND YOU. Frankly, your grandfather needs PAY YOU and ensure he contributes to your Social Security and pay income taxes. This will help protect YOUR financial future.

If your grandfather can't afford to pay you a proper wage, then perhaps his kids (your parents and aunts/uncles) can kick in. You're carrying a huge load for them.

- https://www.agingcare.com/Articles/personal-care-agreements-compensate-family-caregivers-181562.htm

- https://www.agingcare.com/documents/personal_care_agreement_AgingCare.pdf

At first opportunity, go to the library and jump on one of their computers and look up these pages. The library likely has books about elder care that you can take home with you. You can also contact any Social Services for advice and perhaps even an elder care attorney who can give you advice for free or your grandfather can pay the attorney.

A last note: his dementia will only get worse, far worse. He could easily last FOR YEARS. His kids need to be working together to think about when you can't do this anymore and what is in his best interest when he requires more care than you can give.

Good luck! *hug*
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These are your building years! You need to be investing in your own life. I have daughters near your age and I can’t imagine them caring for a grandparent.

Why are your parents expecting you to take on this enormous task? This is a burden.

Did your grandpa serve in a war? You can try to seek veterans aid and assistance. I still would not do this.

I am sorry that you are saddled with this. You can leave. It may be hard but once you step away you will see it was the right choice.

I do admire your love and devotion to your grandfather. I loved my grandpa too but I could never have cared for him when I was your age.

Call his doctor and ask to speak to a social worker. Ask the social worker what needs to be done. They will lead you in the proper direction. Then you can resume your life and visit your grandpa as his lovely granddaughter. Hugs!

Please let us know how you are doing. I have a soft spot for all of the grandkids that post on this site. They remind me of my daughters.
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Blue49 Dec 2019
My parents didn’t force this on me or anything I willingly said I’d do this. If anyone forced me it’s his other kids who won’t take care of him not even for more than a few hours. He lives with us and can’t live alone. He’s not that hard to take care of in terms of how my mom’s mom was. I know these are my building years but after the hard time assisted living/ nursing homes with my mom’s mom it took us nearly 2 years to find a place that actually didn’t take advantage of my grandma or flat out not care about her health/needs to find a place that actually genuinely cared for her. Both me and my mom didn’t want to have to go through that search again especially since it’s been 6 years since my grandma’s passing and we are unsure if the same place she was at would still have those great aspects. It’s just easier and safer for me and my parents to care for him than to have a nurse do so. He did serve in the was and is with the VA but the social workers they had us go through told me I’d have to become a registered nurse and then get hired through the company they pay for. I don’t want to be a nurse if i’m honest after my grandpa passes I hope to not have to do this for awhile or at least not until my parents require this same help later in life. We have gone through about 5 or so other options that either his doctors have recommended we try or from the lawyers that got my parents POA over my grandpa but all of them tell us no. Either he makes too much money and that he’s already paid an additional $200/$300 for a nurse if he were to hire one, or that I lack the degree to prove I can care for him. My grandpa has been paying me $200 a month ever since that one guy mentioned why he gets paid that additional $200/$300. Unfortunately in CA that money doesn’t last long and isn’t enough to live off of. I still am paying off my motorcycle and that takes $132 already a month. And to reply to your question of how i’m doing well.. if i’m to be honest i’m not doing good. This whole situation stresses me out and makes my depression turn into an emotional rollercoaster. I lost my first grandparent at age 8 to cancer he only lived 2 weeks after his diagnosis so that was very traumatic. Then when I turned 15 my first year in highschool my dad suffered a massive heart attack (he’s alive and well) but the that same year I lost my grandma and she honestly died a painful death she was in and out of coma’s all her organs began to fail and she no longer remembered me when she died even though I had helped my mom care for her and visit her nearly every day. If it wasn’t obvious my depression stems from death and it can be of any kind I unfortunately just lost a friend to a hit and run in October and unfortunately I have to bottle up my emotions because I have to stay strong and try to stay level headed to take care of my grandpa. I try not to express any negative emotion because the one time I did when my 16 year old cat died he thought he was feeling bad about taking care of him but I had to remind him we just put her down the other night and that’s why I looked sad.
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You need to get out there now and go live your life. Why aren't your parents taking care of him? If they can't then you should contact APS and have them deal with it. No matter how much you can get paid, it's not worth giving up your life at such a young age. Go live your life.
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If you weren't ready, willing and able to care for him and there isn't anyone else able to, he would either be paying for an AL situation (or whatever level of care needed) or paying caregivers of some sort to come in and do it and it sounds like he would be doing that out of pocket based on his financial situation. He is very lucky to have a wonderful, caring grandchild to provide this service rather than strangers, it's a benefit to him and you shouldn't feel uncomfortable accepting pay for your time any more than he should resist paying you. In fact he would be better off (and so would you) having a care contract in place that spells out the payment and makes it a reasonable rate based on what he would have to pay someone else with your skills in the area because should he outlive his money and need to apply for Medicaid this money will be well counted for and well spent during any look back, if he is paying you even $200 out of pocket unofficially that will add up to amounts that could be problematic during any Medicaid process.

You will be doing him as well as yourself a favor by making this more official and earning more money. Your grandfather may be fretting over this, feeling guilty, more than you realize and being able to pay you a decent wage will be a great relief for him. Save the money for school when you go back and he can feel good about contributing to that too, in fact maybe you could take some on-line classes or one or two classes a semester at school to keep your progress going, social contact with your peer group and some life outside of caring for granddad, my guess is this would make him very happy too, giving him the best of both worlds. You are so lucky to have each other but neither of you is served by only having the other.
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Blue49 Dec 2019
Thank you for your reply i’m confused about the care contract you mentioned. How would I go about getting help making or even evaluate our situation to confirm the payment? I don’t want him to go through anymore trouble if he ends up on medicaid in the future. It was bad enough someone told him not to sign up for medicare B and we barely got him in as of this July. Also to comment on your comment about taking online classes I unfortunately have no computer or laptop (been saving for a laptop) to do so. I also just don’t think I have the mental capacity for that right now as it is. I suffer from depression and I won’t lie taking care of him has made my depression worse but it’s more so i’m so scared of death because the death of my mom’s parents is what gave me depression. I try and think positive and not let that thought cloud my mind but i’m so scared he’ll die when it’s just me with him and I don’t think I would know how to cope with that if it did happen. I personally wish I could go back to seeing my therapist but I had to put that on hold too due to lack of funds.
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I think your grandfather and his child or children, if any are alive, are taking advantage of you. That money your grandfather worked so hard all his life to build up? The best use of it is to pay someone (for example, you) to take care of your grandfather now that he needs care.
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Isthisrealyreal Dec 2019
Yep, can't take it with him.
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In PA there arecagencies that train you, hire u with benefits and allow u to take care of a LO. The State is probably involved somehow. Call ur Office of Aging and see if they know of any programs like this.
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worriedinCali Dec 2019
The OP is not in PA, she’s in CA and we don’t have any programs like this. Her grandfather doesn’t qualify for Medi-cal since she says he’s not welfare eligible so he’s not eligible for any programs through the state.
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if he’s not medi-cal eligible then the only way you can be paid is if HE pays you. There is no other way in California. There’s no business that will pay you to take care of him, at no cost to him. Either way he’s gonna have to pay. If you became a CNA and got hired by an agency, he would have to pay the agency a lot more than $200 a month.
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Blue49 Dec 2019
Yeah one company that works with the VA told me the only way I’d get paid through them was if I was a registered nurse with one of their companies. I unfortunately don’t want to take med school because I personally wouldn’t find it enjoyable and also I don’t have the time or money to go through that.
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Does your grandfather have any children? If so, how old are they? How is their health? If they are able bodied, why aren't THEY taking care of things?

Yes, yes, YES he should be paying you!
More than $200 I might add.
It is NOT wrong of you to expect to be paid.
You WILL need the money, especially IF there are aunts and uncles who will absolutely want their share of the inheritance and will think NOTHING of cutting you out, even though YOU have done all the care giving.
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Blue49 Dec 2019
My grandpa has 4 children (one being my dad who does help). The oldest his daughter is 63 retired has a 3 bedroom house for this specific purpose of having him live with him but she won’t allow it because he has a dog (which is his lifeline if i’m honest) and she also can’t imagine herself caring for him because she thinks he’s so bad off in reality he isn’t. His second oldest child is 60 and he can’t take care of him due to suffering a stroke and his daughter takes care of him almost full time. His youngest is 55 and lives in an apartment with stairs and no extra bedroom and also works 2 jobs and I also think his wife wants nothing to do with my grandpa. My dad, mom, and I all take care of my grandpa but I’m the main one who watches him from 5am-4pm while they are at work. All my parents do is just keep him company, help him get into the bath, and make him dinner/ take his night pills and make his bed but that’s about it in terms of day to day care. I sit with him all day, cook him breakfast and lunch, make sure he takes his morning pills, make his bed, set out his clothes for the day, and make sure he doesn’t try to double dose on things like his nose spray for allergies. As you can tell it’s not too bad in terms of caregiving but yet his daughter thinks he needs help with absolutely everything and he doesn’t but we do watch him with whatever he may do. As for the inheritance he has signed his money over to me and my parents. He doesn’t want any of his other kids to have it because he knows we are the main people who take care of him. It was originally signed over to his daughter but as of this year it is in both my name and my parents thankfully.
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You’re too young for this. How did this responsibility fall on you?
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Blue49 Dec 2019
He fell last year in December his “care giver” aka a local neighbor who would rob him blind found him on the floor of his home and instead of calling 911 she called my Dad (his son). My dad and his older brother went down to his house and had to rush him into the E.R. he was apparently on the floor for almost a full 24 hours. We believe he had a stroke because a cat scan showed signs on an stroke. My dad made the decision for him to come live with us because he had been living alone since 2013 when his 2nd wife passed. My dad’s older brother who has a spare bedroom wouldn’t take him in because he’s also a stroke survivor and can barely take care of himself without the help of his own daughter. My grandpa has 2 other children a daughter and the youngest a son. His daughter who in 2010 purposely bought a brand new home with 3 bedrooms to one day have her dad live with her no longer wants to do that because he has a dog. She also thinks she wouldn’t be able to take care of him but to inform you all he really needs help with is having someone cook his meals, remind him to take his medication which is mostly vitamins, set out a fresh pair of clothes for him both for day and night wear, and to make his bed. Other than that he’s content watching tv and petting his dog. My dad and I do not have a good relationship with his daughter mainly due to her strict religious outlook and me being an open member of the lgbtq+ community. I personally think she gets a sick kick out of me not having a life/future plan. I don’t have any regret of taking care of my grandpa as I said in my original post he’s my last one and I cherish my grandparents a lot. I just wish CA had paying options for people like me is all or at least for his children to help me every now and then like if I’d like to go on a quick trip to Vegas or something just to live a little but they won’t. To be honest the only real rock I have to depend on is my boyfriend of 6 years he helps me a lot along with my parents. Unfortunately I suffer from depression which stemmed from me losing my grandpa on my moms side at a very young age and then it got amplified when my grandma died on my moms side they both took care of me when I was a baby to the age of 5 because of my parents unfortunate busy work schedule so they were like losing my own parents. I just try and not to think about how my current grandpa’s death will affect me mentally but I know it won’t be pretty..
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Well he worked so hard to provide for his care, so you should not feel guilty about him paying you. It would be more expensive if he was paying a home or agency CGs
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Blue49 Dec 2019
I always figured he’d pay more for someone else to do what I’m doing. Also, I’ve heard too many horror stories about at home nurses abusing elderly people or even taken/asking for more money from them. He had a “caretaker” when he lived alone in a senior neighborhood but she’d rob him of money all the time or take things his late wife had bought (a brand new kitchen aide which he still asks about till this day). But with no proof and her not allowing us into her home we can’t confirm but she was the only one with access to his house via key.
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People are generally not paid to look after family, unless the family member pays the caregiver out of pocket. How much more can you grandfather afford to pay you?

Me, I do not think it is wise for a 22 year old to put their future on hold to provide care. It is your grandfather's responsibility to arrange for his care, not yours.
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Blue49 Dec 2019
Unfortunately his 3 children (excluding my dad which would be 4) won’t take care of him. His daughter who purposely bought a 3 bedroom house to one day have him live with her no longer wants to take on that responsibility. His youngest works 2 jobs and lives in a apartment and his wife wouldn’t want him living with them. His second oldest has to many medical problems that even his daughter has to be his care giver as she juggles work. No other grandchildren were willing to help in this situation and well i’ve had to put my life on hold a lot unfortunately so I didn’t feel bad doing it again. He’s not bad off in terms of needing constant supervision but he has dementia and throughout the year i’ve taken care of him I can tell it’s getting worse and I know there’s no fixing that. I will admit I do feel taken advantage of especially by his daughter but she’s never liked me anyways and I feel she thinks I deserve to have no fulfilling life. The main reason she won’t take him in is because he has a 15 year old poodle (well trained might I add) it’s his life line without his dog I doubt he would have been alive for this long. Thank you for your concern about my life though I’m personally thankful to see other adults care but sadly there’s nothing I can do about this. None of them want to put him in a home and since he lives with me and my parents we don’t see a point in hiring a nurse when there’s me and my parents who watch him.
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