I just get very depressed sometimes. I guess it's because I'm so much younger than he is and I've already spent 18 years taking care of him. I just feel like my life is passing me by. I'm very lonely. I don't have any family and it's just me and him. I have no kids. No family. Just me and him. Don't trust people so I don't talk to anyone.
My heart goes out to you. I also suffer from total isolation and I live a lone. I work from home and it can be over a month sometimes before i see anyone. I have no family and lost friends with divorce 20 years age...hence not real friends. That lead me to never trusting anyone.
It scares me as i am 60 and if anything happens to me litterly no one would know for 2 months, and there is no one who would care. I think that is what hurts the worse. I am neurodivergent and I suffer with issues not able to leave my house easily. In addition, I was attacked years ago and robbed. It is hard to forget. I am doing way better but inside my home is usually safe. The loneliness though now is in a spiral.
People make it sound easy and like we can wake up and do something we don't have not done is many years. That is change our life or get counsoler. For me it is so painful it hurts to even pick up the phone sometimes. Then once you find someone you trust they quick or go to different practice.
I am not a care giver and I am exhausted and so tired of the constinent pain sitting on my chest (no it is not my heart), I know this cannot continue but I cannot and have not been able to find help. If i do insurance doesn't cover it and I give up again and cycle starts again. Hence, I totally understand.
My heart is going out to you and hope you are able to find what you are looking for. If you find online help I'd love to hear about it. My high functioning Autism ADHD and horrible anxiety with depression is at its worse.
Sending you many hugs.
If, in 20 years, you have not made a single new friend then maybe you have an erroneous idea of how friends happen. Do you not attend a church/synagogue? Have any hobbies? My Mom relied on her sisters for friends her whole life. Then as they gradually moved away, had lives and friends of their own or passed away, she now moans about not getting remarried or having friends but she does absolutely nothing to curate relationships. It's an active thing, you must make yourself go out and find candidates. My Mom even lives in a nice suburban neighborhood and lives next door to me. She wanted to come on every social outing with me because she was too lazy or insecure to make her own friends so I stopped inviting her (and enabling her) and I don't feel bad about it (because I'm not her Entertainment Committee).
Please, before you get much older, make yourself go out and find a group of people you enjoy being with. Take up a hobby, do volunteer work, church shop, etc. If you are having trust issues then consider therapy. You need friends. I used to tell my sons when they were younger that if they want friends they must actively do things to make them. And, if you want good friends you need to be a good friend yourself.
I wish you success in getting out and finding friendships!
What is stopping you from living your life? There is some great advice on this forum. Maybe it would help to join a support group at your church or in your community so you can share your feelings and experience with likeminded people. You are too young to give up on yourself.
you can ask hubby if he wants to join you and if it’s no then you go
you need contact with people
get involved
even volunteer at a local charity shop it you have one
you’ll build trust that way
maybe you can persuade hubby to go for a little walk and stop off for a coffee or tea
you need to get out
i dance at a local centre - ballroom
it has beginners levels nothing strenuous really fur beginners and the environment is so supportive and friendly
try and think of what made you happy younger
and that’s probably where your hobbies/passions lay - They will give you a new lease of life
be brave and go for it
ps. Lady in our class has a husband about 30 years older than her
she has her days where she cones to class - it’s healthy
I found that often my husband didn't want to do the things I wanted or just didn't initiate things. So I had two options, plan stuff and tell him he was going (tomorrow night we are seeing Jeff Foxworth, he wasn't given a choice, he is going) or go without him. We don't agree on music so in August I'm going to see 2 concerts, Weird Al and Third Eye Blind without him. Even when he was younger, didn't want to go on a cruise with two teenagers so we went without him (twice). He eventually did do a family cruise.
Can you get a part time job just to get out?
My honest answer is to get out and start living your life. Either hubby decides to come along or he can wait at home for you to return.
Just start finding things to do. Tell him what you will be doing and just go.
Life will continue to pass you by unless or until you do something to change how you are living. You have spent your prime years taking care of an older man.
No one thinks about the age difference in a relationship when you are young. It isn't until the older spouse is over 60 that you really begin to see a difference in your energy level, your outlook, your ambitions and it begins to change your relationship.
Tell me about your husband. Why have you been taking care of him? What are you doing to care for him? 18 years is a long time. I think many caregivers can relate to feeling isolated. Family and friends are too busy with their lives to spend time with an invalid. It's hard to get away, to leave the house. I have a spouse who requires 24 hr care. And, yes, I feel pretty isolated. I've always been an introvert, so quiet solitude doesn't really bother me. But, I also feel sometimes that life is just passing by so quickly and I'm not participating in it.
I still prefer taking care of my husband at home, because I can't imagine my days without him here. I've been doing it for 10years. It's become our regular routine.
You can share on this forum, with others who can relate to the emotional toll caregiving takes on us. Maybe you can find some kind of group or club in your area to join and start interacting with other people. Do something interesting. Take up a hobby doing something you like, and find others who do the same.
The two of you could move into an assisted living community, where you could get some relief taking care of your husband, and socialize with others - although they'll mostly be older. If you want to live your life and have adventures while you are still young and active, you will need to somehow separate yourself from your husband. Let him live in a care home. You will soon be old yourself, having live the life of a martyr, devoting yourself to taking care of someone else.
Why not take up a hobby that involves others? That's a surefire way to meet other people and even if you are not very trusting, it won't really matter. You'll still have human connection with other people but you don't have to get too deep if you don't want to. Lots of people birdwatch and there's some info out there suggesting that it might help stave off dementia. I can't say that is true but why not give it a whirl? There is a birdwatching app that people use called Merlin, and it pretty much shows you all the birds in your area. You can get as involved with others as you want. Some people go on trips to do this. Other people just do it alone, or with a few community members. You can do it anywhere. It's just an example of something that you don't need any special skills to start. Maybe an art class? Community theater? You don't have to act, they always need other kinds of help. Tai chi in the park? A walking group?
The longer you isolate, the harder it will be to get out into the world.
Does you husband have children from previous relationship or marriage(s)? If so they might also have a claim to any inheritance.
You are wasting your life, having married such an older man and allowing yourself to stay afraid of people all this time! The only person who can change your life is YOU. If you are depressed, go see the doctor. If you are afraid and distrustful of people, see a therapist or a psychiatrist. Humans are herd animals. We need others for companionship and joy. Covid taught us that BIG time, that staying holed up inside the house made us turn to booze, food and other self destructive behavior.
Address your issues in the ways they need to be addressed, including hiring in home help for your husband. Create the type of life you want for yourself one step at a time.
Good luck to you.
Your husband is more of a father figure, keeping you safe because you don’t trust anyone. You’re the mother figure, taking care of him.
You’ve lost most of your 30s and all of your 40s to be his caregiver. Has it really been worth it? What will you do when he passes away and you still have 20+ years left?
Only YOU can make your life the way you'd like it to be even with having to care for your husband, but you first need to get some therapy and perhaps even go on an antidepressant, so you can move forward in a more healthy way.
You don't share what your husbands health issues are and why he's requiring care, but surely you can get out of the house for short periods to do things you enjoy. Even if it's just to talk a nice walk through your neighborhood and enjoy the beautiful spring weather.
And since you're so young, why not get at least a part-time job that will get you out of the house and around other people. You just never know where that may lead in helping your mental health, plus you may actually meet some new friends there.
Church is also a great place to meet new people, and will lift your spirits just being in the house of the Lord.
Again...only you can make the necessary changes to have the life you desire, so I hope and pray that you're brave enough to take the needed steps.
God bless you.
Why don't you trust people? That seems to be a major issue, regardless of your age difference. As Geaton said, please look into counseling and maybe anti-depressants. It's a sad and isolating way to go through life. You deserve better, no matter what your situation. Have you always felt this way, or just in recent years?
What kind of activities did you and your husband like to do, either together or separately, when you first got together? Do you have friends from back then that you could re-establish relationships with?
What do you expect when this is your social outlook? Maybe see a therapist before it's too late for you. And maybe some meds for your depression would help. Depression is common but not normal or healthy.
When a person marries someone significantly older than themselves they can never imagine what it will be like in the future -- especially if their spouse has health issues. My cousin married a man 20 years younger than herself. Guess what? She was diagnosed with ALZ at 68. She's been bedbound and in hospice for the past several years and he's not really her husband but her caregiver.
I wish you wisdom to get help for yourself and peace in your heart going forward.