It's been 4 years ago. She got sick was in the hospital for 3 weeks then she came home. The doctor say she needs 24 /7 care but agency only give her 6 hours a day. My husband was here every day when she came out the hospital 7 days a week. When she came out and still doing it 4 years later I met my husband 3 years ago last September we got marry. My mother in law didn't like that. She is 100 percent better now she is 84 can walk with her walker can feed her self she can do everything except bathroom meds meals and shower. We do that for her I know she can get her meds and go to the bathroom her self but bc my husband did everything for her she don't want to. When I'm helping her I let her do thoes things for her self and I told my husband he's listening to me a little now but still he end up doing the same things. It drive me crazy bc I know what my mother in law is doing she is trying to come between me and my husband. She used manipulations on him put guilt trips on him he have a brother but he don't want to help with her and that's her life favorite. We are at her home from the time she came out the hospital and we have our own place so I told my husband this morning when September comes we are going home every night to our place. I say you can come in the mornings and help her out he goes to work at 2 pm I come home from work at 3 give her dinner at 530 this is our life every day. Can't go or do anything we don't have a life and it's really getting to me now. I feel like I'm losing my self and we have a lot of conflicts now we are young people I just turn 50 my husband is 48 I told him she live her life already we have too now we had no honeymoon as yet got marry after the reception we had to come home with her to her home and start all over again with caregiver job. She had home health aids but complain all the time about them so my husband got sick of the complaining got rid of them so I told him you need to let them come back and we leave go to our own home. I comprise with him that's why I told him we go home every night to our place he said what would that accomplish? Like really we can't do anything here we don't even have a sex life she calls him all the time why bc she Don't want him spending time with me. I'm on to her I know that what shes doing I told my husband once a month lets go some where for the weekend let your brother come stay with her. She said to me why you guys need to go away for a weekend I was so upset with her I'm getting frustrated with this. I find myself crying for no reason so please can someone give some advice what to do.
You have no real marriage. It almost sounds like you were brought on board in this situation as a free caretaker to a woman who treats you like dirt. You talk, husband talks, MIL orders you around and you are being used by both of them. As long as you live in the same house with her, it will continue. If he doesn’t want to find care for his mother and become a real husband to you and leave, you may have to leave by yourself.
You say that yes, you know something must be done. You say you “talk” to your husband and he sounds like he is ignoring you. He asks what it would accomplish. It would accomplish a true marriage for you. It would tell you that he values you as his wife and not as nothing more than a servant to him and his mother. You believe and accept everything he tells you. Whatever happened to you in your life that has made you feel you are so worthless? Because you are not. And until you believe and convince yourself you are worth more than what this man and his mother treat you like, your life is not going to change.
My husband and I have been caretaking my grandmother for about a year and a half now and boy o boy has it had it's up's and down's. There were times when I thought it was going to ruin our relationship but we worked through those hard times and it got better. It is easy to become bitter at the person you are giving care to but please try not to do that, it will not be effective for you or her.
Also keep in mind that he had accepted the journey of taking care of his mother before he met and married you. I would try to think of your MIL in a more positive manner even if she is being a unking individual. I take it you love your husband and your marriage will benefit from your change in perspective. Of course just my opinion though. It's not easy and man when they get negative it makes you want to throw in the towel but you got this.