Hi, I'm a 29-year-old female taking care of my grandmother. I am luckily paid through IHSS, so it allows me to take the time, but I live in a very expensive state and what I get paid through her is not enough. I work full time and go to school full time as well, so I am spread very thin. I feel like I have an obligation to my grandma, but I also must get my life going. I have sacrificed many years and opportunities to ensure that she gets the proper care. Nobody in my family has cared to step up, her daughters are "busy" and I have tried to reach out. When my grandma got sick earlier this year, we set up a schedule with her daughters, now as time could tell I'm the only one who is doing anything. I have tried to leave, but when others were taking care of her, she got very sick, and no one cared. It has been a roller coaster and I just feel like I've lost my life taking care of her. I am going to school to become a nurse practitioner, so I am taking very rigorous courses. My grandma believes that everyone else in the family should get to live their lives and they have no obligation to her except me. I'm just asking for others' perspectives and advice because sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong and I don't know what to do anymore.
...and you have an obligation to her why exactly?
Actually *no one* in her family has an obligation to provide her care. There are other solutions for your Grandma but she (and you) needs to accept them. You must stop being her solution so that other solutions can be put into place.
Since you are already working with IHSS does this mean she has a caseworker? If so, start talking to this person to let them know that you will soon stop providing her care and to find out what other options there are for her. Have a deadline in mind. Be prepared that your Grandma and her daughters will not be happy about losing their "easy and reliable" solution -- but that shouldn't matter to you. They will get over it. Don't tell them you can't do it or they will negotiate with you. Tell them you do not want to do it. Don't give them any reason...just "no".
You aren't being selfish. You should not feel guilty. The current solution is unsustainable for you and therefore needs to be ended. It doesn't mean you don't love your Grandma. It just means that you are not the appropriate solution.
I wish you clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move on with your life.
It is up to you to do it.
If you don't do it that is called "choice", and you will have to stand responsible to yourself for it.
Please give the children of your grandmother a note addressed to each that reads:
"I must now pursue my own life. I will give you _________days to get help to care for your mom, my grandmother. My limitations are such that I cannot continue, and I do not wish to discuss my reasons. I will be leaving home on _______(date). If at that time grandmother doesn't have adequate care I will be notifying you and making report to Adult Protective Services (APS) in our area so that they can help guide you to placement and other options."
As to being in the wrong? You didn't cause aging. You cannot prevent it. But you can ruin your life by throwing it onto the burning funeral pyre of someone who has already lived their own life according to their choices.
The choice whether to stay or go is now yours. No choice you make will be without tears, anger, questioning, judgement, recrimination. You are a grownup and that is part of being grown, accepting that not everything can be fixed perfectly.
I wish you the very best. We seem right now to have a spate of granddaughters in your predicament. I hope you will read further on the Forum. Take good care and know I wish you a good and happy life that STARTS NOW.
As for other people’s perspectives and advice, I think you will find that the overwhelming majority of us on this forum will agree that you at age 29 should not effectively give up the rest of your life for your grandmother, and that this situation needs to drastically change— and soon!
Instead of getting paid thru IHSS, couldn't you forgo this role and have a caregiver for her instead?
You're obviously the only person who has your back - the rest of your family (ie your grandmother's daughters) are using you because they think they can. It's their role and NOT yours. If you need to tell them that your mental and physical health can no longer take this and you need to adhere to your doctor's directive - which is to remove yourself from this. Tell them that your life is suffering and you're not doing well. It's up to them to make the appropriate plans - you shouldn't have been used to begin this.
Stand your ground - provide a date (2 weeks) for them to arrange caregiving plans. That's it - it's on them.
Everyone who has left grandma to you is in the wrong , as well as grandma is wrong thinking you have to stay .
As far as caregiving for grandma ….Give notice , just like any other job . Because that is what this is , a job that you can not and don’t want to do any longer . You have already lost years. Do not lose anymore .
Find a place to live even if you need a roommate to make it possible to leave grandma’s . And give notice soon .
Good Luck .
Reasonable limits are necessary for gifts so they don't bankrupt the giver.
Reasonable limits aka boundaries.
I think you are blaming all of this on your other non-caring family members. You should be blaming it on your grandma, who has set all of this up at your expense. You are not being sensible in 'feeling like you have an obligation to my grandma'. What about your grandma's obligation to YOU?
Get out now! You have done your shift. If GM gets sick, she and the rest of them can work out what to do.