I’m venting. If anyone has good advice, I’d love to hear please.
I need to vent. I’m caring for my elderly Mom (87 years old). Dad died 10 years ago. Mom lives at home. She recovered from cancer last year. I helped her for 6 years, through many problems (cancer, etc.). I live next door. She’s now better. (My Mom has no dementia; she’s been verbally abusive to me my whole life).
I’m one of five: 4 brothers. They don’t, didn’t, help. Mom adores her sons; treats me (daughter) like ******.
My Mom and I had an awful conversation today. I explained again how very unfair the situation is: that I alone help with everything. I said I feel the situation should be rectified: I explained how helping thousands of hours of course affects me financially, stress, etc.
My Mom has good morals (despite being cruel to me). She’s good to others; the community, etc.
I know she’s abusive, but I didn’t expect her to want to screw me over.
-She has three houses. Some months ago she promised one house to me. I thanked her, explaining that this also makes things more fair. I became less angry against my 4 brothers.
-Since that promise, she has changed her mind hundreds of times, depending on how verbally abusive she is towards me that day.
-She insulted me all day (nothing new, but the insults are getting worse and worse).
-She said it’s my fault the brothers don’t help with her tax problems, any admin thing, medical emergencies. (I guess it’s nicer for her to say that, than have to deal with the reality that they just don’t want to help). I found it extremely insulting. I gave countless examples that they just don’t want to help.
-I arranged daily caregivers years ago. When the caregiver came today, my Mom fake cried, as if I had treated her badly.
-This morning, she on purpose skipped a medication (I hadn’t realized), so that when the caregiver comes she looks more unhealthy than she is. She has mobility problems: balance. With medication, much better balance.
Besides the insults, and the whole act/fake performance, it really bothers me that she goes back on her house promise daily. It’s cruel.
I never thought she would screw me over.
And for the first time, I feel really, really upset with her. The abuse has always upset me. But trying to turn the caregiver against me, going back on a promise, the insults…
Today was terrible. I feel exploited, used, screwed over. I said that to her. She continued insulting me.
I really never imagined she’s not a good person. Seriously, she has good morals in many, many ways (except for abuse against me), so I never expected she will screw me over. For the first time in fact, I was thinking: she’s not a good person, couldn’t care less how she affects my life…
Mother is mean. She doesn’t have good morals, she ‘show times’ to others and the community for her own benefit, so she looks good. She probably always has.
Have you considered moving away? Changing the locks? Stopping your visits? Not dealing with the carers or their agency? Yes, it's true that you are "exploited, used, screwed over". Venting is good, but acting is better.
If she does not have dementia and can manage ADL's (activities of daily life) then she needs little to no help from you.
If she needs to be reminded to take her medication the caregivers can be instructed to remind her.
If the medication has to be taken before they get there there are alarms that can be set to remind her.
If..scratch that WHEN she becomes abusive simply say "I am no longer going to tolerate that behavior and talk from you, if it continues I will leave" If it continues get up and leave. No good bye, do not finish what you were doing, don't finish the conversation you were having just LEAVE. If it is on a phone call simply hang up. No good bye just hang up.
If you do not expect anything from her you will not be disappointed. So forget inheritance, forget a house those are what is called a Carrot and Stick. I do not think they are worth giving up your self esteem, your mental health for.
Your mom is NOT your responsibility, nor is she your brothers, so let mom figure out her own care, and if need be move. You need to get as far a way from her as you can for your own mental health's sake.
You deserve so much better. I hope you know that. And once you've stepped away, please get yourself some good counseling to figure out why you have put up with the abuse this long, so you won't allow it again.
As long as you keep having contact with her, this is how she will continue to see you.
She told me to my face, I will leave you nothing as you have enough, everything goes to your brother.
Now for years I was the one who did everything for her, that broke the camels back. Yes, I have enough, however, that made me feel like crap. I was never of any value to her, she just used and abused me.
I stopped talking to her, it has been 10 years, she died that day, I called her and said goodbye.
The happiest times in my adult life have been when I did not speak to her, the previous time it was 9 years and the first time 4 years. I will never speak to her again.
Your mother will never love or respect you, she has showed you who she is believe her.
I am sorry, I understand. Take back your life!
Having good morals means it extends to EVERYONE, not just those she can put on a fake/phony mask with to look good for. Phony baloney do-gooders who pretend to have 'good morals' for the benefit of others and treat their own FAMILY members like dirt are nothing but hypocrites of the highest order and the worst type.
People of high moral character and integrity are 'cruel' to NO ONE. Ever. Under any circumstances.
Your mother is a liar and a phony, holding the promise of a house over your head like a steak in front of a dog's nose. Then pulling it away the moment she feels spiteful, just for the fun of it.
Ain't no house or mansion on earth worth what this woman is charging you for it. The price is WAY too high, my friend.
Step back from the toxic fumes emanating from the house next door and leave the woman to her own devices, with her Golden Boys to help her if & when they choose to, and her caregivers to do the rest.
Once you cut the chains that bind you to her, which is the promise of this house (which I highly doubt will EVER materialize), then you are FREE to live your life as YOU see fit. And be treated with the respect you deserve from people who truly love you. And the self respect that you owe yourself as a child of God.
Best of luck.
Seems to me, and I could be wrong... you are using the "she has good morals" to convince yourself that she really isn't a bad person deep down. It's so hard to admit that the person you thought was good, is actually not. Feels like you've been lied to all this time, you know?
Doesn't matter if she gives money to the poor or is polite to others. This is her facade. And it is VERY common with people like her. They fake it brilliantly for everyone else (for real, some of them could win an Oscar!), but get her alone and the real person comes out. I've come to find many elderly women use the 'sweet old lady' act. Not uncommon for it to fool doctors too. There's tons of people on here who cannot get their parent's doctor to cooperate with assisted living, license revoke, etc. All because the 'sweet old lady' charmed them into thinking their children are just meanies who want her put away. These people are master manipulators.
You need to save yourself and back away from your Mom. Let her sons step in and you take a break.
You know that man who is a Pillar of the Community, always there to help out...well he beats his wife and sexually molests his daughter.
Its a mask they show the world but that is not who they are. Its time to tell Mom enough is enough. You do not deserve the abuse she has given you. Forget about that house, you will never get it. I wouldn't be surprised if you get nothing in the Will. Time to tell dear brothers your caregiving days are over. Mom is on her own. If you own ur home sell and move away. If u rent, find yourself another place to rent. You need to change, not Mom. You owe this woman nothing. Look up "the Grey Rock Method" to see if you can use it with Mom. Also, calls can be blocked. Tell the aide you are taking a break from Mom. Or back off little by little till your not there anymore. Do only what you have to. Don't engage with her at all. This is where Grey Rocking may help. Remember at 87 SHE NEEDS YOU MORE THAN YOU NEED HER. I think someone on the forum said she did better dealing with a LO pretending she was an employee instead of a daughter.
You need to realize no matter what you do for this woman will not be enough. Stop looking for love when there is none there. For whatever reason, she can't give it.
Personally, I would move and not tell anyone. Start by cleaning out little by little so no one notices. Put your house up for sale without a sign out front. If you rent, better, don't renew ur lease and find something in another town. Do not give the PO your new address. Contact personally those that need to know requesting they give the address to no one. Use a POBox so ur new address doesn't get out there. Get a moving service they will fill the trailer quicker than you can. Get in ur car and leave. Answer no phone# you do not know. If the aide reports a vulnerable adult to APS they have no trail to follow when it comes to you. You are not abandoning her because she has an aide and 4 sons. Yes, you may lose what family u have but was it ever a family?
You were right. I didn't think she would do that (go back on her wanting to give it to me).
You need to find yourself a therapist who can help you undo the lifetime of brainwashing you've had--a mother who verbally abusive to one child is neither balanced, "morally good" nor healthy.
There's a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Get it, read and start putting boundaries in place.
Your mother likely had abusive parents. It may be the only way she knows how to parent a daughter.
If she doesn't have dementia, you can begin to teach her how to respect you by leaving every single time she says something insulting or abusive.
Life is seldom fair. In caregiving, it is rare that the burden is distributed equally. Who has POA for finances? Consider telling that person that you can only continue doing what you do for mom if you are paid from her funds.
Frankly, there is NO amount of money that would make it worth my while to put up with abuse like this. I'd leave with no forwarding address.
My husband's mother had dementia; she accused him of elder abuse because he told her that she should stop smoking (she had advanced COPD). The minute he heard that threat, he stopped talking, handed her the key and said "have a nice life, Mom".
One of his brothers kept in touch, got her to the hospital when things got worse medically. It didn't end well, but there are some folks who you can't help because of their own issues.