I'm getting negative feedback at every turn. How do I stop feeling overwhelmed and angry?

Do you feel comfortable stating your relationship to the relative? Are you her POA?

Basically, if she doesn’t have dementia and isn’t cooperative, can you withdraw your assistance at all?

6 weeks is not enough time to adjust to AL.

What is her issue there? Is it the right level of care? The right group? Is it too much assistance the wrong kind?

It's not your job to make someone else happy. Has she been evaluated for depression?

You stop jumping to this person's orders! You can't make her happy and should not have taken her out of AL in the first place. Now she's going to have you jumping thru more hoops about this live-in caregiver who she 'won't like' either. Then what?

And what constitutes 'a great deal of dementia'? She doesn't have to be incoherent to be suffering from dementia! And demented elders cannot and should not live alone, so if this new arrangement doesn't work out, you're back to square one.

If it were me, I'd get her house sold to finance AL and get her back there right away.

Best of luck!

I am her daughter and have poa. don't see how i could withdraw assistance. She would say her kids are against her.

One 24/7 caregiver arrangements pose problems like the person claiming the employment address as their own residence plus the allegation of "slavery" for literally getting no time off. Even if one got a payroll company and made sure overtime happened, that they got their lunch plus 15 minutes break every four hours yada yada, i'm not sure you'd be fully protected.

Try to get two people. And then tell mom this is gonna be how it is or she's going back into a home.

You say “her room in the AL facility is very small, only room for a single bed, bedside table, a recliner, tv tray, and dresser that holds her TV. Can't even access a window”. “If I lived there I would be depressed too”. Can you get her a better room, or a better AL facility? Tell them that she will be moving if they can't do it better!

Hello my name is Lynnel. I wanted to say please do not beat yourself up or feel bad that you feel frustrated. 24/7 caregiving is a nightmare for anyone and especially if you have to also add that the person you’re caring for has behavior or attitude issues. I do want to say that despite her anger moments you will have to convince her and let her know that there are boundaries since you are having to take care of her since she cannot stay by herself. There are three things I wanted to say that I hope may help you:

1- It is to your credit that you will have a live in caregiver that will start next month, this individual will be a blessing to you. However you will both need to have a plan of action in place and I will tell you how this could work in a minute.

2- If you said she has Dementia, despite what stage she may be in, you as the caregiver will have to be educated on the disease to know how to manage the disease so that it won’t overwhelm you and take over your home. I found an excellent source for dementia which is an Expert by the name of Teepa Snow. One of the agencies I worked for years ago had us training under her material and it was very very informative, including information on how to de-escalate behaviors as well as information about the changing brain.

I learned in therapy I am NOT responsible for my 88 yr old moms happiness! My job is to make sure she is in a safe place with food and her medical needs met. So Mom is in assisted living just as her doctor recommended.. I feel so relaxed knowing it is not my job to keep her happy..I visit 3 days a week , my brother visits or calls 2 days a week and mom must find friends there to share her life with.

Consider making a list of the options you have already tried and those you are willing to try and suggest she make a choice or offer her own suggestions and negotiate which is best. Make sure she at least feels involved in final choice.

If you are her POA and she becomes set against any of her options then let her know you are left with two choices...
1. You let authorities know her doctor has said she can't stay by herself.... then she is subject to living in whatever arrangements they require. Let her know that even if you don't report her, the doctor is probably obligated to make the report.
2. You step away as her caregiver and risk being charged for neglect of a vulnerable adult and face penalties and/or jail and the authorities will then take responsibility for her care... either way the ending is worse than it would be if she cooperates with you.
If she truly does NOT have a great deal of dementia, I believe she will soften and work with you to find a suitable arrangement.

If assisted living is to be a choice, if you have not already done this, take her to tour each possible location. If a meal is not offered, request one because there you can observe the staff interacting with residents then also attend any activities that are happening. This way she will feel involved in the decision. If you find one, be sure how committed you have to be because it may take a couple of moves to find the right one. Many even allow overnight visits for the resident to experience a day/night in their facility.

She is frustrated and agitated. Please let her doctor know about this. She can get a prescription for anti-anxiety medication that should calm her down a little. I would probably advise leaving her in assisted living while she adjusts to being on anti-anxiety medication.

Everyone here can empathize with you and your situation. There are some great responses and other than what's been suggested you might want to look up and start "gray rocking".

I would not judge the AL based on her room size - but rather on the quality of care she receives when her needs are addressed. Not sure how mobile she is, but an older person can often do better in small space, fewer falls. If you keep agreeing that she is in the wrong place, then she won't have a chance to adjust - it is complicated. Any room can be decorated with preferred items, small rooms seem bigger with a mirror added. It is not realistic to expect the same as before, many other issues would arise. You can see if she can be put onto a list for room change, but in the meantime, help her enjoy whatever is good about her room and people who help her. Keep a notebook so you can learn who they are and thank them or add cues. Does she have activities? These times of COVID limits have been very hard on elder care places - for finding some activity that engages her, and someone to do it with her regularly, is key. Praise her for being nice and grateful to people around her, and she can more easily learn to trust them, for after all, they are in her world every day. I kept 2 places for my disabled brother for months - he went to his apartment on every other we ekend, then stayed in nursing home. When he dropped items, expected the kind of help he got in the facility but it was not there and he could not care for self in apartment, it was clearer, the home was better and I supported the change. It's a gradual process, wariness on their part is normal - best to just agree with them but persuade them to also give new place and people a chance - "for a while" and see how it goes.

Tell her what I told my Dad. Don't have her come live in, but pay her to check in if that's an option. She can come and do light cleaning, make meals etc...(don't call her a caregiver but someone to help out). That way you have eyes on her and she doesn't feel like she loses independence and you have eyes on her. Family can help check in as well.
Never know, she might come to like the person. Tell Mom that it helps YOU feel better about mom spending her retirement years in leisure.
It's worth a try lol. Revised after reading about your brother: My brother was in Texas. Not allowed to gripe unless he contributed financially. If he's willing to help out at least financially then he can have a say. Otherwise, it's not his business unless you say so. I grew a spine while taking care on my dad.

Darling, you are preaching to the choir on that one! If I didn't know I was an only child I would have thought you were talking about my mom. I soooo understand. There are a couple of things to understand:

- At this point in the game, you are not going to make her happy. Some of it may be in the DNA. Some of it may be she's frustrated because she knows she has to depend on others to get through her day. And, some of it may be that most if not all of her friends or siblings are no longer here.

- Accept the fact you will not make her happy. Sad but true. Being happy, most of the time, is a conscious choice.

- You need to take time for youself. Even if you have a friend or neighbor to come over to sit for the afternoon. Go for a walk at the park, go window shopping, call a friend for a cup of coffee, find a Paint Night to share with a friend. Trust me it helps tremendously!!

- Listen to instrumental or inspirational music. It will definitely bring peace to your soul.

- Share with your church family your feelings. Have them pray for your situation. The strength from prayers will get you through!

Know that there are people that are going through the exact same thing and will be lifting you up in prayers. My mom is hateful on top of being negative. Some days I just run myself a hot lavender bath and get a glass of wine and lock the door :)

Wondering how long the live in Caregiver will last? It's hard work being there 24/7 for someone, no days off. No private life. What if the new 24 hour live in Caregiver gets sick, needs surgery, runs off with a boyfriend? Or just wants some free time away from the house? What if they don't get along, or she drinks etc?

Everything in the plans are contingent upon the lone 24 hour a day Caregiver being reliable, honest, trustworthy and a hard worker who is extremely dedicated. Which may or may not be true...

Assisted Living sounds like a much safer place for a 99 year old to be in the long run. With a trained staff.

You and your family have the right to live your lives now - she had her time and if she is stubborn and uncooperative, so what? You do NOT give in to her. YOU set the rules so your family is not impacted. At this age and her behavior, I would put her right back into a facility - perhaps another one. When people do not cooperate and have no sense (not many do when they are old), you take the next step and place them before they destroy you. End of story.

You are going to have to change the way YOU REACT and set clear boundries. That can only come from you. Of course that person would guilt you. It is working. You caved. They got what they wanted. They should have had no way home. How did they get home?
You are going to have problems with that live in carer. What happens if she takes over? Or those 2 fight? Does any banking mail go to the house?
Have you read on here how people are having all sorts of problems because they let someone move in? Now they think it is their home, and are dug in. Or CANT move out bc they are broke and have nowhere to go. Do you have an IRON CLAD lawyer generated contract in place with this person? I bet not bc a lawyer would say you cannot work someone 24/7. How well do you know them? Do you know how hard it is to get someone out of your house once in it? You usually have to go to thru court. What happens when they say Im taking the weekend off? Im taking nights off? Im burnt out? I need a vacation. I need to be paid more. The family member promised me the house. I got them to sign a new will. What if it is too much for them? What if they fight? Which will happen if taking care of a person 24/7.
Do you know they could change the deed without you knowing? Or turn the family member against you bc they are now best buddies? Lock you out of the house.
Why would you ever let the family member come home? There should have been no way home. You should not have caved. Since you caved on that so easily, how are you going to stand up to the person living at the home? When they start running their agenda? And they will because you gave them a lot of power living there. No one in their right mind can take care of someone else 24/7 without a break of some sort. They need time off. They could get a lawyer saying that is illegal.
I hope you read about all the problems in here about people moving in and the problems that caused.
How you got the loved one to the assisted living, do again and get them back there. You gave all the power to that family member. And you are at their mercy to do whatever they want, and will soon be at the mercy of the person moving in. Only you can put your foot down and say this is how this will go.
You are going to cont to have major problems because you won't stand up to her and say no. You are shoving the problems onto the person moving in. Just wait till they figure out they can take advantage. How well do you know them? Have you done a background check? You might be using the family members money to pay for 2 people now. You doubled your problem. You didn't solve it.
You are going to cont to feel guilty bc it is working for that family member. And it will work for the live in when they see how the family member treats you. They will be taking notes. You won't feel so guilty if you get clear boundaries in place. That can only come from you. It might get ugly, but then the family member will learn they can't push you over. Buy only you can do that.

Perhaps Adult Protective Services and/or a social worker can intervene?

When my parents first moved in with us, my dad, who had insisted that selling the house and moving to a more manageable situation suddenly became resistant. That's putting it lightly. He was a terror. He would fly into rages about how he never wanted to sell his house, how he always intended to die there. He hated the food, the television viewing choices, the remote control... He was surly to everyone when he wasn't throwing a tantrum. I'm sure he was bewildered by the change even though he had pushed for it for so long. And I'm sure it brought him face to face with his mortality and there's no timeline on how long it takes to mourn for the loss of abilities and freedom and a future. My sister who works in a nursing home said to have him checked for a UTI; and she was right. After a week of antibiotics he went back to his normal self. A few months later he was raging again, threatening to divorce my mom, going to live with my sister. He was having a bad bout with sundowners and unable to sleep, which was effecting his attitude. He also had (you guessed it) a UTI. He finally had a good cry, slept through the night, and started taking antibiotics again. He got better. I'm not saying your mom has a UTI or sundowners or depression. I'm saying these things are sneaky and complicated. Hang in there.

How about getting a live in nurse - or someone in the medical field to live with her. it's understandable that she wants to be in the comfort of her own home. I am 75 and I feel that way, even tho i at not at the stage of needing help! try to seek out advice from medical field - they may have people who would be available to stay with her.

katinfoco: You must be the individual in control and not your aging family member. You must be the leader, else the family member runs you ragged.

In my experience there is a fine balance between taking charge and “knowing” what is right for your LO (loved one) and allowing them some participation in decisions and sense of control over their lives. When my mom feels out of control is when she digs her heals in and becomes uncooperative which frustrates and infuriates us in return. Then we take a step back, a deep breath and try to put ourselves in her position, it’s impossible to put ourselves in her mind but how scary it must be to know you are failing and need help yet feel like you are loosing all control over your life! This is not to say that your mother should be running things the way she seems to be, just that there might be a happy medium that at least takes some of the pressure and onus off of you.

A couple of things I’m unclear about, when you say …”can not live alone as prescribed by her doctor” has the doctor simply said she shouldn’t live alone or has the doctor said she needs 24 hr care/supervision? Was this a “suggestion” or actually documented?

You are POA is it an enacted durable or jumping POA so you can make decisions without her cooperation or just POA allowing you to act as she instructs? Did she agree to move into AL or did you make the decision and take her kicking and screaming? Is she still in the AL waiting for the new caregiving situation to be in place or at home already? Is it all her money that is being used for AL or live in care or are her children having to kick in?

Not being able to live alone and needing 24hr care can be two very different things, what sort of things does she need daily? My mom for instance is steady on her feet and generally able to do things for herself she just doesn’t always do them unless reminded or prodded. She isn’t capable of organizing and dosing her medications but she is perfectly capable of taking them on her own so we have a system set up that doesn’t allow for mistakes and enables one of us to supervise each medication time from wherever we are. She doesn’t live alone but she does spend days at at time alone but with regular contact and oversight. This works for now but we know the time will come when she needs more that we won’t be able to sustain with her at home. When and if we do reach the time that a facility is necessary it’s going to be a very hard transition for all of us but mostly her if she is still cognizant enough and I can’t imagine how hard moving her back home and then back to a living facility would be so please carefully consider all the possible future consequences to this could be. You moved her to AL for a reason and not easily I’m sure. I know she is furious now but she won’t be any less furious if this live in doesn’t work out or she runs out of money to support it and has to move back into a facility, she will just have to start the adaptation process all over again with the knowledge that she got you to reverse once.

With you an hour and a half away and your brother I think I saw even further away it’s going to be very hard both getting this to work through the “settling in” period and supervising if it works out after that. Who this person is and your connection to them aside with your mother already making this difficult and resisting having anyone living there my guess is that won’t stop once the situation is set up and again depending on what help she needs… If this is a licensed professional they won’t force or insist on anything so if your mom for instance refuses to take her medicine or eat the person you are paying to make sure this happens will simply call you to report that your mom refuses, which is not to say that a skilled, experienced professional won’t find ways to get their patient to do these these things and have a sense for how to help your mom become more comfortable with them. I’m off track, sorry and out of room so to be continued….

Continued…
So if she has not moved back home yet here is my suggestion;
First do some research, see if you can get her a better space at the facility she in, it doesn’t sound like your happy with it either and especially since she’s paying for it (not Medicaid) you all need to be happier. Investigate other options as well, if she’s generally able to live on her own just not “by herself” see if there is a facility in the area or even in your area, that has small apartments for IL that are set up for some oversight and have AL as well as nursing care on the same compound. my grandmother was in one of these in FL and it was perfect for her! Check out other facilities anyway, they often can have various set ups and everyone has different preferences in housing and needs.

Ask your mom what she does and doesn’t like about where she is, maybe it will be easier to meet her needs than it seems, when unhappy or scared we always “want to go home”. You might realize that what she wants won’t happen with the new situation at home either, might not even be possible so something to weigh and consulting her rather than getting frustrated will help her feel included.

Crunch the numbers and figure out how much it’s going to cost monthly for her to be home, cost of caregiver, cost of food, house etc. Figure out how much it costs monthly for her to be where she is, does she pay extra for meds or are they included… How long can her money support each, at what point will you need to sell the house?

Now weigh the pluses and minuses for yourself first, maybe discuss with your brother so you can bounce things off each other. Include how much more work and stress having her home with someone is likely to be than having her in a facility. Think about the move, any move is difficult but moving back out of the house should it become necessary…extra moves aren’t generally advised. Moving home to this new situation is not going to be easy either and will probably require you to stay there for the first week or two as well if the transition has a chance of working.

Once all your research, comparing and soul searching are done (is it ever done?) sit down with Mom and have a conversation about the options. Be really clear that according to the doctor her living alone isn’t an option and this is why she moved to the place she is, you thought it the best and only solution. You realize she isn’t happy though and want to do everything you can within the guidelines of the doctors “orders” and reason. If she is resistant to needing to listen to the doctor remind her that if you don’t follow his orders and he feels she needs more than she’s getting he is required to report that and then the state might step in and take the control away from all of you. Loosely true perhaps but the fear of that can help.

Go over the options you want to present, even if you know the “decision” give her at least two options. If the cost of one far exceeds the cost of another make sure she knows, don’t tell her what you think right away let her ask questions and tell you what she thinks. If it doesn’t match what you feel makes the most sense explain why you were thinking the other would be better but never shoot down her feedback. We try to include as much laughter in these discussions as we can, it helps lessen the fear and laughter or smiling to yourself often helps defray the frustration when we feel it building up inside. You may find that Mom has some doable ideas and significant or not to you anything you can give her that comes from her is significant to her.

Taylor this of course to your situation but it will make you feel better to include Mom as well and you might just come up with a better and agreeable to all plan that cares for your mom the way she needs to be cared for that she can also be on board with rather than making difficult at every turn. Good Luck!

First of all, do you have medical power of attorney and have you received letters from her doctors stating she is incapacitated?

Without those two things I’m not sure there is much you can do to force the issue.

my mother passed recently it was same. She could not care for herself and she was extremely uncooperative and combative the entire time. It was an extremely difficult time for NUMEROUS reasons and I’m still exhausted. We are not done yet. We are trying to clean out the house and sell it. She always refused the thought of cleaning out and getting things repaired and she NEVER wanted to move. There was 55 years of STUFF and she NEVER threw out anything. It had taken 4 months to go through it all and at the same time take care of my own medical issues. Not sure I’ll ever recover.

When your mom worsens I recommend an elder care lawyer. Protect your rights and hers.

Good luck.

If she is still in AL leave her there. You will have more problems moving her back.

I personally would handle this in ways most people might not want to do but based on experience, it does work in most cases. Been there, done that - and in the end all was well and peaceful. When you are dealing with old, stubborn, selfish, needy people and their behaviors and needs are beyond what you can deal with as a caretaker, and nothing stop their outbursts, then you stop being nice and you let them have it verbally - do whatever you have to do and say to stop them in their tracks and tell them in no uncertain terms what the new rule are - they are not in charge any longer - you are -and they will respect the rules and boundaries or "this will happen" and be prepared to do it. This is of course after you have tried medical intervention, everything reasonable without good results. Then you MUST place them so you can live a normal life without letting them push you over the edge. They lived their lives, now it is your turn.

Wow. this sounds like my life! So don't feel alone!
The short answer is you can't stop those feelings. Bottling them up with cause more problems. And finding a therapist who will just listen has done me a world of good.

I'm the only one in the family dealing with a headstrong woman. After overdosing on pain meds and having to rush her to the hospital in a horrible delirious state, where they had to restrain her, she decided she could no longer live in her large home. SHE decided to go to AL something she should have done years ago. We're only a week into it, and now she wants to move to another facility (I agree with her). We toured the other facility and she starts saying the food was better at the first place (it's inedible, the second place was decent, less costly and far more secure).

I lost it and broke down. She's gaslighted me my whole life. Even as people age, they still have a tendency to act/react as they did earlier in their life.

You think you can handle the stress of the responsibility of having a human's life who can't really handle their own affairs in the palm of your hand, but you can't. That person, unless committed, can still decide what they do and how they live. You can get a Power of Attorney, but you cannot MAKE them do anything unless you've had the courts determine they are incapable.

As much as I'm angry and overwhelmed, I also stop and think how overwhelming and angry this person is. And I try to use it as a learning lesson for myself. I think when people see the end of their life, if they haven't done what they wanted to or changed into what they wanted to be, they carry that anger with them. I see my mother with lots of regrets. I see her overwhelmed at trying to still maintain independence, but physically slowly loosing even the ability to stand. She has to put her trust and care of her body in the hands of people she doesn't know. She feels humiliated every time she poops her diaper because 'normal people' don't do that. She's lost friends or friends she communicates with are still doing physically better than she is and are surrounded by their families (or so the photos would have you believe) and only one of her children is still around her. And not entirely by choice, but because I feel I can't just dump her off in a facility. That would be cruel.

So this is what I do....
1. Speak with a therapist once a week. It's good to vent and not to family or friends but a person who can help me understand & control my own emotions. I do it via telephone.

2. Try to exercise / walk every day getting out in the woods to cleanse my head.

3. Eat right. I started to load up on junk food to soothe myself, but realized I needed to be in the best shape because this is going to be a marathon.

4. Try to be empathetic (not sympathetic) about my mom and her condition. Sure she could have taken better care of herself, but she's human and thought she'd live forever. Her life now is scary, depressing, routine, confining, very limited, constantly being reminded of COVID and death, painful, lacking basic enjoyment like being able to hear, taste or smell. That situation would make anyone miserable. She doesn't lash out, but she gaslights and plays mind games.

5. Realize everything you can do, right or wrong, will still never be enough because her unhappiness is not because of what you've done, but because of what's happening to her. You're just her closet target. I've realized I'll never find the perfect AL place. There will always be problems. I can find her the safest one, with better food. And part of it may not be better than the one before. But I'll keep looking for new facilities and better options for her.

6. Learn about what NOT to do in my own life as I reach that point. Make sure things are in order, that I find a place sooner, rather than later, etc., Actually I'm grateful for her teaching me about this time of life and how not to be. Instead how to appreciate every day. Best of luck.