I'm hoping to get help to find a KIND, loving way to deal with my mother. Any suggestions?
I know I could tell her off. I know I could put her in her place, but I'm hoping to honor God and her in this situation.
The problem is, she is nasty! A very little background: we sold our home, bought hers, moved in with her, so that she could stay at home if possible. She is very resistant to change, mentally unstable (has always been), OCD in all kinds of bad, unhelpful ways. The ground rules were laid before any of this happened, but she is breaking every single one. She invades our space, piles crap (she is a hoarder) in common spaces, complains to me about my husband (this is what has really set me off), and just generally tries to boss us around.
I have tried to get her in for assessments. I have tried to get her Dr. to raise her anxiety meds. I have tried to just walk away from her when she starts.
Honestly, if things don't change, she will need to be placed in LTC. Also, it's been very difficult to find PSW's for her showers, and she's picky, mean, and they all quit, so one thing I'm thinking is to allow things to happen naturally - she would have to go somewhere if she can't keep a PSW.
Watch her reactions, and if necessary, escalate your concern by emotionally telling her that you feel you're not able to care for her as you would like to, and wonder if it would be better to explore an option outside of living together. That might be a gentle "wake-up call."
Switching focus might cause her to think more about her behavior.
My concern here is whether you bought this home for fair market value, and I am hoping you were not POA when you DID buy it if you bought it for less. That can be considered elder abuse. And I hope the funds you bought the home with are in an account in MOM's name only (with hopefully someone as POA to manage her finances). If Mom has the funds from the home she will hopefully have funds to pay for care until the medicaid lookback time is passed (2 1/2 years in California and 5 in most states).
Your Mom has had these conditions likely for almost all her life. They are unlikely to change and will make her a tough candidate to place. As she lives in your home she is virtually a "tenant" whether she pays rent or not. If she has no dementia you cannot place her against her will. I am afraid you have painted yourself in a corner and would recommend an hour of advice from an elder law attorney; just tell him basically what you have told us.
I sure wish you luck and hope you'll update us.
Yes it was bought for fair market value. I had 3 appraisals done and used the highest one.
My house was sold in order to buy hers. It was her wish, as well as my father's, to keep her home, and I take my promises seriously.
Mom has elected to give the money to my brother, as his "inheritance" now.
ALL of this was done through a lawyer.
We are not in the USA so we don't have these same medicaid rules. We don't have medicaid. Everyone is entitled to medical care here (Canada). If you want a fancy place you have to pay more, obviously, than the government facilities, which just charge you your CPP and OAS.
I am caring for my mother Bernice, who is 78 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, cancer, incontinence, lung disease, mobility problems, osteoporosis, stroke, urinary tract infection, and vision problems.
When dealing with a mother who's riddled with Alz/dementia, you can't use 'reason & logic' with her and expect it to stick. Nor can you expect to 'put her in her place' and have that make a difference, or any other tactic you use, b/c once dementia is in the house, IT takes over and pushes out every other tactic you try. You want to use kindness and honor God and mom, which is great, but again, your mother's brain is broken so you're likely to lose your cool & your best intentions go down the drain while she's carrying on and preventing you from helping her in any way.
Memory Care Assisted Living is your best bet, honestly; not as a 'punishment', naturally, but as a way to get mom the best care by teams of caregivers who are not emotionally involved with her at all. They won't get upset if she mouths off to them, they'll just get her into the shower ANYWAY. Once she's placed, then you get to go back to being the kind & loving daughter again instead of the stressed out caregiver who's getting nowhere trying to be kind and loving while mom's pushing back at you with teeth bared. It tends to be a losing battle you're fighting at home, when managed care can turn out to be a win/win situation. My mother did very well in Memory Care b/c she had other elders to socialize with (and complain about) and a team of caregivers who honestly doted on her & considered her like a grandmother to them. Me she snarled at and treated like crap, but them she treated like gold. It was quite something to see, actually. I knew a different woman than the CGs knew.
Sometimes you try your best to facilitate a wonderful environment at home and it just doesn't work. So then you have to try Plan B. You're not a 'failure' b/c it's not working at home.......the disease processes are preventing it from working. Try something else now. Go back to being a daughter again instead of a caregiver. At least then you can leave and go home to a restful night's sleep and know she's in good hands, you know?
I know how hard all this is. Wishing you the best of luck moving on to Plan B and keeping my fingers crossed for you that it's the best decision for all concerned.
So I guess my first order of business will be to find a way to get a proper assessment done on her! I would love to go back to just "daughter" again!
Thank you for your kind words!
She needs help for OCD and hoarding, call helpline, she could need cognitive therapy.
I am in Canada as well, good thing you bought house at MV, you don’t need tax implications.