I'm in my fifties, but why is my mother who's in her late eighties still capable of making me feel like a child when she verbally abuses me?

Many of our parents do or have done the same thing.

It got increasingly difficult to handle this as my mother became more affected by her dementia. She did not live with me, and I did not live with her. But I was the local one out of my 3 siblings.

What is your caregiving situation? Do you live with your mother or vice-versa? Did you give up a job to become her caregiver? (I hope not.) How much time do you spend doing caregiving for her, and what tasks do you do?

What eventually helped me a lot was requesting compensation from one of the POA brothers. I ended up getting back pay, also (and no, I didn't charge for every single hour). That made me think of the driving and accompanying to appointments, going over to take care of minor things, and eventual hospital and then rehab and then LTC issues as simply a job. My siblings didn't have to do any of it.

What is your mother's financial situation? Could she pay caregivers? Is it time for a facility? How long has your life been affected, and how long into the future could it continue? Do you have siblings?

She isn’t “capable” unless you permit it.

Whether it’s more or less painful than our earlier times as younger “children” of our parents, we can, and MUST evolve into becoming their “parents” and relinquish the feelings of childhood in the face of any emotion laden communications from them.

You can do this.

Presumably you’ve lived a purposeful life, and developed a healthy sense of self worth and self respect.

Those attributes are a part of you that she may or have not contributed to your upbringing, but now THEY ARE YOURS, and SHE CANNOT TAKE WHAT IS YOURS AWAY.

Regard her in her current depleted existence as she is, a mother who may (or may not) have done her best. If her “best” left you needing healing, you can come up with the tools and a strength to do that.

My own mother was a severe agoraphobic who sometimes came up very short with my care, as her only child, and it took me years and YEARS to figure out the complexities of our relationship, and her chronic tendency to “guilt” me.

I’m grateful that we ultimately “found” each other after a fall shattered her hip, and the ensuing anesthesia revealed dementia. It was late in my life, but still, a gift I was able to cherish.

I’ll say it again- you can do this.

Yes, me as a young adult, finally realized that I was an adult and as such I was her equal, she no longer had any control or say in what I did and I would either walk away from her abuse or when she called and started I would hang up. She would be good for awhile, then the cycle would start all over again.

I finally had enough and went no contact 13 years ago, she is 98 and could care less about me and I am at peace.

Find a way to control the situation.

My mother had been doing this to me all my life. She’s 95 and I’m 67. I am at my parents’ for one month stints every other month now.

To avoid her verbal abuse I limit my face to face time with her while I’m here to about half hour a day. Keep it friendly. I can sense if she is itching for a confrontation and will not engage. I get up and leave. I only sit with her while the aide is there.

I don’t have any contact with her during my off months. When I’m not here, I don’t want to hear from her or my siblings about her unless it is an emergency.

Hi Mistylu - what you're still feeling is probably learned behavior after all these years of being the recipient of your mother's verbal abuse. But the cycle can change if you consciously change your mindset. Take your power back as an adult.

Your mom still sees you as her child. Of course, you are no longer her young child. You are a grown woman!

Her vision of you, doesn’t have to be the way that you view yourself. I totally agree with Hope. You can break this cycle.

If needed, seek out a good therapist to help you sort through your feelings.

Someone once told me that people view us the way we view ourselves. I feel that there is a lot of truth to this statement.

Don’t allow your mom to make you feel like you are still her little girl. Your mother knows that she can push your buttons.

I don’t know your mom’s personality. Can you push back or would that end up being gas thrown on the fire?

Could you walk away or ignore her belittling you? What makes your mom tick? Tell us more about her disposition.

Show your mother that you have self worth as an adult woman. Make it perfectly clear that you do not intend to be treated like a child.

Pushing buttons. My Dad was good at this. I was in my 50s and had not lived home since my early 20s when he said something that just brought up being a little girl again. I thought I had got over that.

What you need to do is realize that you are an adult that deserves as much respect from Mom as she feels u should give her. And at her age, she needs u more than u need her. Its not disrespect to tell someone they are abusive and you no longer will put up with it. If she wants u to do for her, then she needs to stop the abuse. Look up "grey rock". This is where u literally ignore the person. You do what you need to for them but ignore them otherwise. You do not engage in any way. Its up to you to tell Mom to stop and if she feels she can't then you cannot do for her. If you have to help her, limit the time you are with her. Don't pick up her calls. You can hang up on her when she gets started, walk away.

I just read somewhere, may have been here, is that people who are like this really do not like themselves. They are not happy people. I see this in a SIL. She can be condescending and u wonder why. My FIL told me once she was jealous of me. I have no idea why!

She's still capable of making you feel like a child because you're allowing her to. It's really that simple.
So it's up to you to change the dynamics between the 2 of you, and set some much needed boundaries.

I know that we have bombarded you with telling you to stop allowing this or that. I fully recognize that it isn’t an easy thing to do if you have been programmed and pressured to satisfy her every need.

Tell us more about your mother/daughter relationship.

Seek the help of a licensed professional to assist you with breaking cycles.

One on one therapy is much more effective than speaking with a caregiver forum.

We want to help you and will share our experiences in caregiving but we cannot take the place of a therapist.

She feels vulnerable and is projecting her fear onto you; she sees you looking healthy, capable, independent, and you are a living reminder that she is losing her independence, so she lashes out. That's my theory. You can't appease a person when they're in that frame of mind. Just set boundaries: tell her you're going out to meet a friend / going shopping / not taking her on a sightseeing trip / not doing whatever it is she wants you drop everything to do. If she is dependent on you and you can't leave her on her own, you need to look into finding someone to help give you respite, so you can meet friends or enjoy a hobby. You need to do something at least once a week that makes you smile. Also take mini-breaks every day (ten minutes to yourself, reading or journaling, listening to a podcast or something else not too time-consuming).

That’s up to you to change it. You need to change your perspective and reset your reactions to this situation. It’s easier than you think. Look online for how to be assertive without being aggressive.

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I went through this myself for quite some time until I figured out how to stop it. You need to talk kindly to yourself and reassure yourself that the things she's saying are not true. She is deflecting and she sees you as an easy target because you allow it.
Stop tolerating her verbal abuse. You can address it and tell her not to speak to you that way. You can walk away. You can tell her that you will not help her until she speaks to you kindly and then walk away. Keep repeating this until she treats you respectfully. She needs you. She will treat you the way you demand her to because she knows she needs you. Hold firm and do not give in to tantrums. It might take some time and be difficult at first but once she realizes she has no power over you she will change her behavior. This by no means is an easy thing to do but it is possible. I truly hope this helps <3

Do set up boundaries. She will only be able to make you feel like a child as long as you continue to allow her to. I had to finally learn this after 50 years of dealing with my "mother". I was the caretaker for my dad for a little while (and tried to be there for her too) while he was dying of cancer. She made my life a living hell when I was growing up, and it only got worse when I tried to help my dad later on. I posted on this forum a while ago before the pandemic. My mom has some serious mental illnesses that have never really been treated, let alone fully diagnosed, and now that she's been placed in a home, I'm learning that she has
schizoaffective disorder and has had it for much of her life.

I have stories that are true that would give people nightmares from what my "mother" did to me. But that does no good, she will pay for what she did in the next lifetime. Some people should never have had children, sadly.

I had to ultimately go no contact when my dad died this past spring, in order to keep my sanity. My sibling cares for her, because I will not. I refuse to allow myself to be treated like that ever again. She will die alone without me.

You will find the strengh within yourself. I suggest a good therapist, I have been in therapy for the past couple of years, and it has helped me tremendously. Best of luck to you and God Bless, it will get better.

She’s only capable if you choose to listen and you don’t deserve verbal abuse. For your own well-being and health, walk away or get off the phone the second it starts, and feel no need to explain why. Protecting yourself is never wrong. I wish you healing and peace

Well, I would say we are always capable of making one another feel like a child, feel like a mother. My daughter is 61 and I am 81. We still have to explain more fully our meaning with one another so as not to be taken as "critical mom" and "striving daughter" or "rebellious daughter" and "desperate mom". But now we can laugh about that fact.

We, as parents, are responsible for "training our children" to survive in the world as adults. If we have awful limitations as parents we train them in OTHER ways, that is to be at our beck and call.

The adult remains the child in many ways, and a good shrink depends on channeling the child in us in order to help us understand what our parents did FOR us or TO us.

You already know now. You know that you are an adult and that your parent's expectations are wrong and always were. So you have to comb out now decades and decades of childhood training in order to pick up and thrive in more decades of a life as an adult. Often we need good solid counseling help to do this. We form habits of acting and reacting. We need to break free of them so we can see our parents with a kind of compassion for all they were and all they were not. Otherwise the circle continues to be played forward.

I sure wish you good luck. Those of us who escaped the "training" of a very inadequate parent are so very lucky.

I als o am in my 50's. I'm having some significant health issues and took leave from work to address. My monster convinced me to relocate about 90 miles away. I actually said "maybe we will learn to accept each other as is". I was just taking my 2nd dose of chemo aaaaand.. my monster came in the evening to round me up as I had been avoiding her mood. so, I go sit to tea on the patio and appease her. She started on MY daughter and I swore the cycle stopped with me. So when she got mad because she hadn't been told that my granddaughter has autism, I reminded her that she insulted mine and she had every right to choose not to participate and it wasn't my information to share. Then she said she said she hated my grandson's name, I said well you got to name four kids and and Oscar's mom, my daughter chose it for a reason. My MONSTER did what she does. She threw a glass of ice tea at my face, I mean the glass holding the tea (I had a bad accident and had 2 reconstructive surgeries), I was gobsmacked but I was mad too so I kicked an ashtray on the ground. Well that REALLY triggered her and she started punching me in the face. I finally got to standing and was able to "pin" her to the wall until she was at least understanding she was fixin to get hit back. I told her many times - I am and adult with adult children. Hitting me is not discipline it's assault. She kicked me out WEEK 3. I GAVE UP MY APARTMENT and she was hiding the check I was expecting which I needed to come back to where I left. So for 4 days, in 90 degree weather, new on chemo. She refused to let me in the house to use the bathroom or eat. I brought a lot of food, but it was in the kitchen. So nope. She stood in the door screaming look at you you're a pig!!

I left. I will never speak to her again. I had to live in my car on chemo, with my dog for 5 months due to housing shortage. She knew she was going to kick me out, my brother who is still under her apron told me. She will die, I won't care in fact, I'll be relieved.

The reason it sucks is because I've never liked my mother as a person, but respected her as I was raised to until my father who was amazing died and I saw her for who she really was. She has pulled this as long as I can remember. But only to me, there was 4 and I am the only one she does that to. Human nature - I'm hurt that my mother threw me away like a bag of trash.
But I'm glad my daughter and granddaughter won[t suffer this, I'm happy I took it and never passed it on to next generation. i cry over the rejection. Feral cats have better parenting skills. But, my brother and sister have written us off too, they can keep whatever. I told my mom write me out. But effectively the queen and her court have spoken and we (daughter's family too) were kicked out of the family for setting boundaries. I expect it's going to hurt to some degree until I die. OK but, I won[t be called a pig by someone who lured me away for the purpose of abusing me as an adult. While making me suffer.. chemo and no bathroom priveledge or kitchen.

That pretty much says it all. When it's not enough - I remind myself that my mother is on the Southern Poverty Hate List and remind myself that I was the last stop in this family for racism, savage cruelty and hate. My Monster is a HORRIBLE person.

I hope that you take your mother for who she is, stop carrying the guilt of a lousy relationship if she hurts you. It is unnatural for a mother to abuse you. I bet like my Monster hits me as an adult, that yours knows just how to hurt you. You can live with it, you can walk away and maybe have some peace before you die. I have raised my daughter stopped the abuse here and don[t care anymore if Mummy dies tomorrow because I am taking care of me and mine now. Normal people to act like that..

Wow, I must have needed to vent... lol Take care of yourself and tell your monster I said hello :)

Because you are still her child.

But you are an adult.
If ANYONE .. I mean ANYONE.. abuses you you have the ability to:
*Walk out of the room
*To cut this person from your life for as long as you find necessary. That could be an hour or a week or forever. Whatever is needed for your mental, physical, emotional safety.
*File a police report, get a restraining order or an order of protection.
*Physical violence should not be tolerated and you should press charges. (And don't back down)

Ask yourself would you want your child to take the same abuse you have been? If not why do you continue to do so?
Somewhere the circle of violence and abuse has to stop.