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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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If Mom is 89 then your in your 60s at least and a Senior too. And being ill and disabled makes it even harder to care for someone.
How old are you? Do you live with Mom, her with you or you have a place of your own? Do you have POA for her financial and Medical? Can Mom do anything for herself, can she be left alone.
You may need to get APS (Adult protection services) involved. They can evaluate Moms situation and help with resources. Or you tell them you can no longer care for her and allow them to take over her care. But that means the State becomes her guardian and they make decisions on her care. You are not consulted.
Understand well because I am on my third elder that has poor health and dementia. Very exhausted because I have had very serious health issues this past year.
I worked like a dog to set up some outside caregivers. For my dad and mom it was income from VA that paid for private and agency caregivers. Dad eventually used hospice.
I applied for medicaid for mom and I found a really nice nursing home. She passed away two days after admission. She had become bedridden.
I had a stroke and heart surgery and my mom still asked me to pull on her & lift her to her wheelchair! I physically could not and refused. If you are waiting for her to show care for you give up.
Now husband's aunt 94 with advancing dementia has 24/7 care and hospice. We are still there several times a week delivering groceries, setting up meds, etc. Interacting with the caregivers.
Get a therapist or social worker to help you or Join. support group where you can Vent . Get some help coming in - getting Other people Involved is a godsend . Someone once said to me " As Much as you hate someone is also a Factor in How Much You Love them . " Maybe time to Place her if you are exhausted and need to take care of yourself .
It is sad to read that you hate your mother, from taking care of her for 3 years, and she doesn’t care… It’s sad and frustrating that one day I’m doing things and can make my own decisions, and in the future, at some point, I won’t be able to do that… :(. People age differently. YOU MY DEAR, are taking care of mom. YOUR PLATE IS FULL.. and you need a break, but now how is that going to happen? TAG, you’re it, but you’re not alone. do you have Power of attorney? Can you talk with her doctor and yours.. tell them what’s going on, ask for palliative care evaluation on her. Maybe you can get some help, get a break.. I’m sorry you got to this point. your mom may be feeling vulnerable or too much of a burden on you.she may be feeling guilty of putting you through this.. talk with your doctor. Talk with her doctor. Adult daycare in your area? Drop her off a couple hours a couple days a week, if there is any kind of daycare for adults nowadays. im not sure how bad she is physically or mentally.. but maybe take her to the library or check your local library or city hall or parks to see if there are any senior activities.. I loved taking mom to bingo.. had dinner there, and shared a bingo card game, just to get out and do something different. maybe you can find a volunteer to give you a break to walk, breathe etc.. breathe.. if you find you two are bickering.. step out of the room.. take a break.. Try to get evaluation for palliative or hospice care. As everyone says start looking at nursing homes or senior living .. living and aging in place.. this way, when you do visit her it’ll be fun, music, milkshakes, and memories of fun times - hopefully…
Are you able to handle getting at home caregivers? Apply for Medicaid home care with help from attorney or place her in nursing home? Then that’s a Medicaid nursing home application. You have to take care of yourself too. Caregiver burnout is lethal, Hugs 🤗
If you are being made ill from caregiving it is time not to continue doing it.
If you are having some of the thought that you are having I can imagine they are very disturbing for you. I would suggest a bit of counseling with a good psychologist or a LSW in private counseling practice to comb out a way forward in your life.
I am so very sorry you are currently so distressed.
I get it! My Mother is narcissistic and is very abusive to me. I am not saying your mother is narcissistic too. I am stating the fact that abuse comes in different forms and mine is a narc mother. I do understand your pain. Do what's best for you. There's only so much a person can withstand. She doesn't deserve your kindness.
I can relate to this feeling. My mother doesn't care either, I have been caring for her for a year and a half now alone, with no break. She is disabled from the waist down so she can't wipe herself, shower, stand, walk, etc. It is to much for one person and it truly wears you down to a point you didn't think possible. Their lack of care makes it worse because it hurts deeply. You are not alone even though it probably feels like it. I know I felt completely alone for this entire time until I found this platform and started reading and trying to connect with others. It helps to talk to people who understand what you might be going through.
There's no law that says you have to be her caregiver. Get out and stay out. That would be best for both of you.
The elderly often don't plan, and they expect their children to take care of them. The children are too intimidated or overwhelmed to know what to do. The first step is making phone calls as others have suggested. Do it!
Not long ago, Chuck said to his son and DIL "Don't worry, we won't be moving in with you in our old age," to which my DIL replied, "ok....I didn't know that was even an option." 🙄 So much for "intimidation" on her part, huh? 😂🤣
Did you put a question mark after your statement because you're not sure if you're ashamed or Not? Why are you continuing to care for a mother you hate and wish dead when you yourself are ill? There are alternatives for mom, like Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid footing the bill. There is no shame in holding up the white flag of surrender now and getting out of this situation before it kills you prematurely.
Speak to an elder care attorney if you need guidance in placing mom, from a financial standpoint.
Then stop doing it. No, I mean REALLY...stop being her caregiver. You obviously are burnt out beyond human limits, so now it's time for you to start caring for yourself and place your mother in the appropriate facility, or you will be one of the 40% who dies before the one they're caring for. There are social workers at the facilities that can help you get her placed, and if money is an issue they can help you apply for Medicaid for her. YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS!!! You matter too in this equation in case you've forgotten, so call your local area agency on aging and get the ball rolling TODAY to get her placed. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Well, you are not alone. You came to the right place to not just vent & rant. Most of us have aging relatives--for the most part and we son't sit in judgment on you!
Having said that--can you come back and give us more details. Like what it is you have to do for her? Do you live with her? Do you have sibs who may/or may not be supportive? How is your health being affected by your level of care.
Don't be ashamed for saying what you think. I'm sure that 'hate' is a strong word, and no doubt you hate the SITUATION you are in, and you are projecting that on your mom.
Likely that your mom DOESN'T care what she's doing to you! We're in the same boat--my DH is thoroughly enmeshed in a CG situation with his mother that is not going to end for the forseeable future. I'm not involved AT ALL with this care, and he reminds me all the time that IF only I would 'make nice' with his mother, then I, too, could be one of her CG's.
Uh, no thanks.
PLease do come back and elaborate about the situation. Then you will get some great advice.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
How old are you?
Do you live with Mom, her with you or you have a place of your own?
Do you have POA for her financial and Medical?
Can Mom do anything for herself, can she be left alone.
You may need to get APS (Adult protection services) involved. They can evaluate Moms situation and help with resources. Or you tell them you can no longer care for her and allow them to take over her care. But that means the State becomes her guardian and they make decisions on her care. You are not consulted.
I worked like a dog to set up some outside caregivers. For my dad and mom it was income from VA that paid for private and agency caregivers. Dad eventually used hospice.
I applied for medicaid for mom and I found a really nice nursing home. She passed away two days after admission. She had become bedridden.
I had a stroke and heart surgery and my mom still asked me to pull on her & lift her to her wheelchair! I physically could not and refused. If you are waiting for her to show care for you give up.
Now husband's aunt 94 with advancing dementia has 24/7 care and hospice. We are still there several times a week delivering groceries, setting up meds, etc.
Interacting with the caregivers.
It’s sad and frustrating that one day I’m doing things and can make my own decisions, and in the future, at some point, I won’t be able to do that… :(. People age differently.
YOU MY DEAR, are taking care of mom. YOUR PLATE IS FULL.. and you need a break, but now how is that going to happen? TAG, you’re it, but you’re not alone. do you have Power of attorney?
Can you talk with her doctor and yours.. tell them what’s going on, ask for palliative care evaluation on her. Maybe you can get some help, get a break..
I’m sorry you got to this point.
your mom may be feeling vulnerable or too much of a burden on you.she may be feeling guilty of putting you through this..
talk with your doctor. Talk with her doctor.
Adult daycare in your area?
Drop her off a couple hours a couple days a week, if there is any kind of daycare for adults nowadays.
im not sure how bad she is physically or mentally.. but maybe take her to the library or check your local library or city hall or parks to see if there are any senior activities.. I loved taking mom to bingo.. had dinner there, and shared a bingo card game, just to get out and do something different.
maybe you can find a volunteer to give you a break to walk, breathe etc..
breathe.. if you find you two are bickering.. step out of the room.. take a break..
Try to get evaluation for palliative or hospice care.
As everyone says start looking at nursing homes or senior living .. living and aging in place..
this way, when you do visit her it’ll be fun, music, milkshakes, and memories of fun times - hopefully…
You must have your reasons for these intense emotions. Nevertheless, she deserves to have a caregiver who doesn’t hate her.
You deserve to be free from caring for a woman that you hate. So, please stop this insanity and allow you and your mother to live in peace.
Seek therapy if you need help with achieving this goal. Hopefully you will figure out how to hit the reset button and start over.
It sounds like you have been through the wringer and will need time to heal from your wounds. Wishing you all the best.
No one is obligated to be a caregiver.
If you are being made ill from caregiving it is time not to continue doing it.
If you are having some of the thought that you are having I can imagine they are very disturbing for you. I would suggest a bit of counseling with a good psychologist or a LSW in private counseling practice to comb out a way forward in your life.
I am so very sorry you are currently so distressed.
The elderly often don't plan, and they expect their children to take care of them. The children are too intimidated or overwhelmed to know what to do. The first step is making phone calls as others have suggested. Do it!
Speak to an elder care attorney if you need guidance in placing mom, from a financial standpoint.
Best of luck to you.
Place her in a facility.
You obviously are burnt out beyond human limits, so now it's time for you to start caring for yourself and place your mother in the appropriate facility, or you will be one of the 40% who dies before the one they're caring for.
There are social workers at the facilities that can help you get her placed, and if money is an issue they can help you apply for Medicaid for her.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS!!!
You matter too in this equation in case you've forgotten, so call your local area agency on aging and get the ball rolling TODAY to get her placed.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Having said that--can you come back and give us more details. Like what it is you have to do for her? Do you live with her? Do you have sibs who may/or may not be supportive? How is your health being affected by your level of care.
Don't be ashamed for saying what you think. I'm sure that 'hate' is a strong word, and no doubt you hate the SITUATION you are in, and you are projecting that on your mom.
Likely that your mom DOESN'T care what she's doing to you! We're in the same boat--my DH is thoroughly enmeshed in a CG situation with his mother that is not going to end for the forseeable future. I'm not involved AT ALL with this care, and he reminds me all the time that IF only I would 'make nice' with his mother, then I, too, could be one of her CG's.
Uh, no thanks.
PLease do come back and elaborate about the situation. Then you will get some great advice.
{{Hugs}}