I am my 83YO moms main care taker, I was told by my older brother that since I’m the only daughter in the family, mom is my “cross to bear”. I have POA and am health care proxy, my younger brother will only help when it benefits him, for example, he did her grocery shopping for her with her food stamp card and bank card. So far he’s helped himself to $1,700 of her money, guess who goes to the bank and straightens out these messes, me! My daughter and I do all of moms appointments, cooking, cleaning, ER visits, phones calls to docs, insurance. It’s gotten to the point where I have no life, hubby and I retired 4 years ago. Her lawyer told me to take over her finances, well, mom has dementia and doesn’t remember why I took over the finances, so she gets angry with me, brother opened up an account with mom and had her SS rerouted to that account. I had it closed but I did not know her SS was rerouted, now her SS is froze because brother messed with her account and I have to fix it, this is never ending. I’ve called the police, APS and they seem to think because I have POA and control of her finances, she’s protected. But my brother calls her and badgers her about getting her cards back, then she calls me and she’s angry. It goes on all day long sometimes. I can’t sleep, I have headaches, depression, I’m in a bad place mentally and physically. I’m constantly am trying to stay 2 steps ahead of my greedy brother. And to add insult to injury, he’s revered and I’m just the medical/grunt person, it blows my mind but it’s always been like that. Today she called and demanded her bank card back again, my husband, who is supportive, told me to give them back, take myself off POA, the stress isn’t worth it. I’ll be dead long before my mother. Should I wash my hands for my own sake?
Since you clearly come from a dysfunctional family in which greed is rewarded and your hard work is both expected and despised, I would resign POA and let your mother be brother's responsibility.
If brother cleans mother out and attempts to dump the responsibility back on you, allow the state to take guardianship of her.
It is pretty clear from your post that mom should not be living alone, unsupervised. Are there Assisted Living or Memory Care facilities in her state that accept Medicaid?
I'm terribly sorry to hear about how your brother is behaving and causing you more grief and pain. So many daughters find themselves in this thankless role of caregiver, accountant, cook, doctor, lawyer and accountant and the list goes on.
You sound like a very careful, dutiful and loving daughter. Because your mom has dementia your brother is clearly exploiting this for his own financial gain. I wouldn't listen to her. I would cut your brother off and just block him from contacting you.
Is your mom already in assisted living?
I too wanted to walk away but sometimes as the oldest and responsible one it was hard for me.
Is there a social worker that could help?
I know others will have more advice.
(((hugs))) You have to look after yourself too. I hope you make the best decision for your own health.
Your brother has stolen from your mother. $1700, apparently. He has acted fraudulently in diverting her social security income. He may be doing these things - bear with me - in good faith, believing that he is supporting your mother in her wish to support him and to evade your control; but she has dementia, she is incompetent to do such things as open a bank account and give financial directions, and he is therefore acting without legal authority and benefiting financially from it. This is financial abuse of an elder, plain as the nose on your face.
Go back to the police and make a formal complaint. Somebody he'll listen to needs to explain the rules to him.
I think, Owlady, that you need to go back to mom's lawyer (and you pay for that visit with Mom's money, not yours) and ask her/his advice about how to stop your brother from absconding with your mother's funds.
And since you seem to say that your mother has NEVER treated you well, you need to ask yourself why you are killing yourself to take care of her.
Hang in there.
The choices are more than all or nothing : burnt out caregiver (as you are becoming) or resigning & walking away (as your DH suggested). You could even call it enmeshment at one end & estranged at the other. But there is a long scale with many many options in-between.
Reaching out for help is a great first step.
Next will be getting more help. Getting a bigger team for Mom than your team of one. Finding the right fit for care duties for YOU.
Let's keep the chat going. Many folk here have been through similar with elders with increasing needs & 'teflon' sibs (no responsibility sticks to them, just slides right off!)
It is so discouraging at how incredibly common this 'disorder' is, especially in toxic or dysfunctional families. I wonder if it has anything to do with how people are raised. What does it say about society that so many people seem to dump all the responsibility for parents on one sibling? I went through this myself as well, 2 brothers, both younger than me and both were aware that I've been on disability for PTSD since 1997. They both had a better childhood than I had. (Dad's favorites no less.) I never had children as I could barely take care of myself and yet caregiving 2 toxic parents was dumped in my lap. No choice, I did not volunteer. My caregiving nightmare is done and I'm in charge of the trust estate. (Thanks Mom who knew I was the smart one.) Thanks to my efforts, there is actually money left over and I'm doing everything by the book as per the attorney. Nothing had to go through probate and the best part is I get to wait until May 2021 to disburse the 1/3 each inheritance after filing a final trust tax return. Once I send the check with a final letter telling them off via registered mail so their wives don't get their grubby hands on it, I will be severing all contact with them permanently. They got to live their merry lives for the past 15 years while my health was ruined and my retirement years were stolen from me. I am so done.
https://www.ocgov.net//oneida/ofa
At the very least, try to get a case manager for your mom. That will help you help her without being quite so hands on.
Third party intervention is required, I think, because of the possible elder abuse behavior by the younger brother.
If no satisfaction from the elder services agency, then the lawyer is the next step.
She doesn't deserve your help. You've put in enough of the caregiving -- time for the boys to step up the plate!
It's just going to get worse and worse. What is the current plan for when your mother can no longer live alone (she is probably already to that point). Will the boys insist that dear mama can't be put in a facility? And then what? Do you move in with her, or does she move to your house?
If you are not willing for this to happen, step out of this muck NOW.
Whether your mother is “angry” or not angry or thinks you’re stealing from her or thinks you’re her sster-in-law is something you need to hear as aspects of her increasingly damaged brain. She cannot filter what she says, and she will not understand that ANYTHING she says to you might upset you.
If your mother is living with either of your loser brothers or living by herself, she is not safe. You may place her in an Assisted Living Facility. Begin researching g this move IMMEDIATELY. Whether you decide to do this or decide not to, JUST having the information you need will give you a greater sense of SELF empowerment.
NOTHING that either of your loser brothers says is IN ANY WAY relevant to who you are or what you do or any obligation they wrongly think they are entitled to impose upon you. NOTHING.
If you, as her lawyer suggests, are the legal controller of your mother’s finances you need to manage her demands by ignoring them. Once again, your mother has DEMENTIA, and her feelings toward your brother(s) and you are all subject to the functioning of her broken brain. If your brother is “revered” it’s because your mother in her broken thinking, has misplaced her trust. You and your brother are no longer children, quibbling over Monopoly games. This is yourmom’s health and safety those “gentlemen” are playing with.
If her ravings distress you (understandably) DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE when she calls. Once or twice a day calls are fine, keep them brief- “Oops there’s someone at the door, Mom. Gotta go!”
Do not allow yourself to be badgered. You have absolutely NO REASON to be. In a similar situation, I did much better after I achieved a quiet but unflinching pushback.
In your situation I would hold EVERYTHING having to do with your mother’s finances, keep fastidious records concerning her funds, and IGNORE EVERYTHING she or your brothers SAY to you (“sticks and stones.......”).
It is BRUTALLY HARD to ignore, and I too wasted MONTHS of sleepless, worrying nights, but if you are in the right, you really have nothing to lose.
Be strong, for her sake, but above all, be good to yourself and your husband, and especially at peace that you are doing right by her.
In my case it was suggested to me by a financial advisor due to greedy relatives poking their heads out of the woodwork and asking around, my sibling in particular is really bad. It’s not that I can’t or won’t do mom’s financial stuff ( honestly it’s the ‘easiest’ of the tasks ) but I need a firewall between myself and these people. This whole dynamic makes me sick. Maybe you need a firewall of this sort between you and your brother? Just another idea for ways to extricate yourself from this situation...
I really feel for ya. My mom actually thanks me SOMETIMES, but my sister & hubby call ONCE in several months and my goodness they are the most fantastic people in the world. Meanwhile guess who does virtually all the grunt work. We’re not Cinderellas and deserve better treatment than this!
Truly wishing you a way up and out into a better place!
It is not your "cross to bear" unless you want it to be. You state that your mom is on food stamps. If she qualifies for that then she is also on Medicaid which means you can put her in a nursing home, and you should.
If she wants to let your brother walk all over her and spend her money then transfer that POA over to him and let him become her caregiver doing all the chores and taking care of her. You can make it his "cross to bear" if you want to. The alternative being a nursing home. This might get him to clean up his act.
So many don't understand this. By SS rules NO ONE is allowed to "manage" any one else's SS funds unless they become rep payee. I wasn't aware of that when I took over mom's finances. I was able to have hers redirected to her primary CU account through the bank (she had opened an acct in a local bank and had her SS sent there, for easier cash access, but all bills were paid with the CU acct,) I unknowingly just used the SS and pension funds (federal, so another goodie to fix!) from that CU acct, until we were going to sell the condo. The only way to do the address change was to sign up for rep payee - all the paperwork says it is NOT legal to manage the SS funds unless you become the payee!
"If he is stealing her social security monies than report him to APS for financial abuse."
I wouldn't waste time with APS - report him to SS along with signing up for rep payee!!!
Social Security doesn't use a POA. They require a representative payee.
If your brother made himself the representative payee on Social Security and added himself to her accounts then you are in some serious trouble if in fact YOU are the financial POA. You need a Lawyer. Your mother's accounts need to be in only YOU control and there needs to be no cards involved whatsoever. NONE. Cancel them at once. You need also to go to Social Security and file fraud charges against your brother if you are her POA.
Moreover, if you are in care of your mother you should likely now have her placed. Her Social Security will then go to pay for her care. This money she is paying out will be considered gifting. You say you are losing everything because of assuming care of her with no thanks from anyone and only stealing by the brother.
I question actually whether or not you feel you are capable of assuming POA for your mother, because this has got into a dreadful mess that no POA would have allowed to happen, and certainly no bank. I can't know what is happening, has happened, but yes, you need a lawyer, and your Mom's funds CAN pay for that IF you are financial POA.
Meticulous records need to be kept by a POA regarding ALL money paid out to anyone or taken in from anyone. This is no easy job. Please seek help now, get this ironed out, have Mom placed in care and resume a somewhat normal life.
These sibling wars, especially when it involves criminal behavior cannot be won. Consider contact APS and having them open a case to examine what is happening with your Mom's social security payments.
In all truth I thank goodness that the Social Security is FROZEN. You will need the help of a Lawyer now. And in all truth frozen is what it should be before it gets ripped right off and then the Government refuses medicaid help because of "gifting" of monies to your brother. This money will be returned when this is ironed out, but it needs to be done legally and without putting your mother's money in jeopardy.
"If your brother made himself the representative payee on Social Security and added himself to her accounts then you are in some serious trouble if in fact YOU are the financial POA."
WHY would she be in trouble for something he did? She wouldn't have known until after the fact, so it isn't her fault. POA just means you have the power to oversee her finances, manage things, sign paperwork. It doesn't give her ultimate power over everything! Conservatorship yes, POA not really. But, she tried to correct it by closing the account, which means SS had no place to deposit the funds. That probably led to freezing the account.
It doesn't sound like he did the rep payee. She said he took her mom to the bank, opened an acct and had her SS redirected there. Banks can do this, it's how I changed mom's direct deposit from a bank to the primary CU (before I ever heard of rep payee!) Then he had her add him to the account. HE is the one doing nefarious things and should be charged. HE should be reported to SS, not APS. It would be a federal crime to mess with SS!
Someone else suggested going to APS. I wouldn't waste my time there. Make appt with SS, to straighten this mess out AND sign up as rep payee. OP shouldn't need a lawyer to do this. I signed up to be rep payee for my mother, alone. I didn't even bring her with me and though I brought a lot of paperwork to show I'd been managing her affairs, they didn't look at one scrap of paper I brought! They ask their Qs and file the request.
If that's her only income, that would shut him out as OP and ONLY OP can access the special rep payee account that will need to be set up. If she has a savings acct associated with the card, find a way to lock access to most of it, get rid of that card and get a refillable debit card with a minimal amount for her to use, if she really needs one. Otherwise, it is easy pickings for brother.
Does she even need a card? If it's just a want, give her a cancelled one. She may never even use it (he might), but just having it would be good enough (my mother thought she lost her D card, and asked me to cancel it - why she didn't call them, I don't know, I wasn't stepping in as POA yet. So I did, but to order a replacement, the call had to be from her phone and she had to agree for me to talk to them. When I got there, lo and behold, there's the "lost" card! She just didn't put it back into her wallet when done with it. I used it to call them, wrangled through the "okay" process - fun with her bad hearing! - and tried to "palm" the cancelled card. She got angry and wanted it back, it's HER card you know! I had already partially bent it, because it was no good, but tossed it onto the table. Have fun trying to use it mom, you had me cancel it!!!
Please consider adding additional helpers for your mom: reliable family members, long time friends, members of faith community, and paid help. The goal is to create balance between caring for your mom and caring for yourself and your marriage. You'll know the balance is pretty good when you have time to sleep 7-9 hours, eat regular meals, get exercise, and have time to nurture your marriage, other relationships and your favorite hobbies/activities. Make sure everybody abides by CDC or WHO protocols for COVID until CDC or WHO tells you it is ok to loosen restrictions.
I don't know if they told you that you needed a letter, but I called my local office (not even in the same state that mom lived in at the time), made an appointment and answered all their Qs. They submitted the request and some weeks later I was approved. NO letter from a doc. I brought paperwork and bills with me to show how I was managing her money, but they didn't look at any of it. I also didn't bring my mother with me.
The accounting is fairly simple really. Keep records, but at year end they send a form to fill out - 1 page. Most of it is acknowledging you are still managing it, where s/he lives, how much is saved, but they lump things like food and shelter together, then have space for "other" expenditures.
IF you have your own SS account, they will link the information to your account (you don't make one in their name and should NEVER create any online account in someone else's name - it's in the fine print, big no-no.) If you log into your account, you can get online access to that form and fill it out online. It's not difficult at all!
The only issue I had was last year. Because mom was in MC, SS and her pension didn't cover half the cost, the rest was covered by trust funds. So, I applied the entire SS amt in one rep payee check to her place, and another check from her primary acct to pay the remainder, using all the pension funds and some trust funds. What remained from trust funds covered anything else. So, they questioned why I only used it for food and housing. Seriously? I filled that form in and sent it back with some rather testy comments - the pittance she got wouldn't even cover a cheap apartment, much less buy food as well! I also said she's 96 with dementia, in a wheel chair, almost no hearing and losing eyesight... where did they think she was going on vaca, New Zealand??? I guess they accepted it, I never heard anything back.
Then get a strict account, with just you and Mom, 1 ATM card, for you since you are taking care of the finances. Or, just say, no card needed, I will come in and take cash, and I want a personal PASS CODE ON THE ACCOUNT WHEN I COME IN OR CALL IN...
you love me, but she needs to follow your rules.. If you truly don't want to... the hand it over, and tell her there are no go backs, so if brother runs money down, MOM will LIVE WITH HIM.
I think with the threat, he will back off.
Don't give mom back her cards and tell her why. Tell her that she needs the money she has to live and you were assigned to manage it.
If you and your daughter need help to get a break then hire a Caregiver one day a week.
I am just thinking this out
so bear with me.
You are the POA not your brother. Your mom has dementia. You can move her to a facility. You can sell her house. You can do more I’m sure. Your mother will need more care as time goes on.
Please talk to an elder care attorney about your options.
It would be worth the money to take a list of questions to find clarity. Check out all available facilities. Don’t tell your brother until you are about to move her. Or don’t tell him at all. Don’t tell your mom about the move. She has dementia and will not comprehend. When you are within a month of a move have a doctor check her out. Have dr do a memory test. Ask her doctor what he thinks about moving her. My dad is in a locked down facility. Get her vaccines. Get a TB test. Get a Covid test if needed.
Get totally prepared. Do it and don’t second guess your self. You mom is just moving to a new home (facility).
Your health is important
Your husband is important
Once she is moved and settled you can visit as often as you want. Eat lunch with her there. Do not take her out for anything except a hospital visit if warranted. My dad fell and broke his arm. So that trip was needed.
I feel your pain. You love your mom. It may take some time to get this ball rolling. Start doing your homework checking everything out. Pray a lot asking God to guide you. He will. Like I said before your mom is only going to get worse. You are helping her by doing this. Not hurting her.
When checking out facilities check to see which one has the least amount of emergency room trips. You might have to ask a nurse or someone who works at the hospital. You are not being selfish. You are caring for your mom and for yourself.
I have walked this road. It works out. I only tell my brother what he needs to know now. Updates on our dad’s health.
I put a Blink camera in my dad’s room so I can see him. A WiFi phone line called Ooma.
I go 3 days a week to visit. Other days are for my family.
To start get yourself a notebook and folder. Write down all notes.
Dr info. Lab work. Facility information. Keep it all together. It’s sad but you may need a “plan” the day of her move. I took my dad at lunchtime to the facility.
My son and husband moved her few items so she would recognize to her room. Hung pictures etc.
You are “the daughter” as your brother said. So do what you need to do.
Some will say that you are selfish. That your mom cared for you and now you should care for her. You are caring for her just in a different way than in her home.
I am cleaning my dad’s house out to sell to pay for his care now. Put that money where only you can use it.
Please take care of yourself.
Your husband needs you too.
God Bless you.
You are a “Concerned Family Member”, or CFM. It’s a real term for people like you, like me.
I explored so many options to keep my parents safe financially and emotionally and I failed. I went the legal route and it cost me dearly.
Our legal and social service systems are way behind on the elder abuse issues. Believe me, I have been thru it.
My siblings disrespected all my parents wishes that were made when they were of sound mind. They took control of their finances, their health care directives and their emotional well being - it wasn’t well at all - they fostered an animosity toward me that is painful to this day. My parents both died in the hospital alone.
By staying and taking all the crap, I thought I was setting a good example for my daughters. They too have been affected by the greedy family members. They are not more compassionate ... just bitter at how I was treated when I cared so deeply.
You need to take care of you and your immediate family. A greedy family member will never stop and the laws favor them. It costs you to protect you and your mother financially and emotionally.
There is no justice.
I hate how negative my experience has left me. I never felt this way before.
I wish I had hope but we are far away from legal solutions that protect both the elderly and their care givers.
Protect your heart, your marriage and your immediate family.
The first thing you need to do is get a consultation with a well regarded elder lawyer who can give proper legal advice and help you navigate through the process. This will take a huge burden of worry from your shoulders.
Once you have the facts from a lawyer - and if you want to maintain a less stressful relationship with Mom and brother, schedule a sit down and iron it out. It seems like there is a lot of finger pointing, with both siblings thinking he/she is "right". I am sure each one of you has your own version of the situation, and Mom is in the middle feeling scared and insecure. Lighten that burden by trying to talk it out in a non confrontational way. I know that will be hard, but you CAN do it if you keep in mind that in the end you will know you did everything you could to keep those relationships in good stead.
I am taking care of my Mom and my 2 brothers have different opinions about what her needs & limitations are ( one helps a ton less than the other). It is a huge source of stress on me, who does it ALL. However, going to the attorney has helped me in knowing that I am legally doing the right thing for Mom. I know your heart is in the right place - and the road isn't easy - so get the support you need NOW.
Can you hire care that is what I would do. My sister has POA and she is a controlling bitch. You can control your bother as POA you can block him from money put a restraining order on him to stop asking for money etc.
Very sad to see families like ours fighting but I would not leave your mom. Find help is that possible? We hired synergy home care in home care. I have no control I try to be supportive anyway my sister actually blocked me from checking in on parents online with the home care agency. Pretty sad but nothing I can do parents picked oldest sister and mom picked you. That means she trusted you. Good luck..