I’m soon to be the only one left to assist my mother (90). I live 3-4 hours away and that includes a ferry. Any thoughts?

Okay, let's just look at this for a moment. A lot of this is going to be age-dependent. Are you anywhere near close to retirement age? Would you lose a pension if you left your school district? What would you do for medical insurance if you leave your job? If you are Medicare eligible, it would help IF you decide to move to your mother's locale. There is more to picking up and moving to be a caregiver. Might it make more sense to move her to somewhere near you despite the real estate market in your area? Does she own her home? If so could it be sold to fund the relocation? I know she will kick and scream about moving at this stage (I mean who really wants to leave their home and deal with the pain of packing, etc.?) But is may be necessary for her if you are going to be her primary caregiver. Take a breath and begin to list which would be best for both of you.

Your mom's "clueless" response is probably an indication that she is having cognitive decline.

When you say you are "soon to be the only one left to assist my mother...", what does this mean exactly?

Are you your mother's DPoA? Medical Representative? If not, this should be put in place asap or trying to manage her care from a distance will be more difficult than necessary. Then I would make an appointment with her doctor and request a cognitive/memory exam for her. Then you will know just what you're dealing with.

The caregiving arrangement only works if it works for both parties. If I were in your shoes I would move her into a care community near me, not visa versa. She will most likely resist this, but (depending on her cognitive condition) you may be able to tell her a "therapeutic fib" that while she's out visiting you she will be in a temporary apartment/hotel because of your dogs. Then you go about taking care of the remaining business (which will be a lot but when it's done, it will be a relief). This is a morally acceptable strategy because it is in her best interest and isn't an onerous caregiving arrangement for you. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you ponder solutions.

Many elders do not have children, as both you and your Mom know.
I do have children, one living several states away and one living half the country away; the last thing I would consider is their disrupting their lives to care for me. Your mother's expectations are UNREALISTIC, and they should not be considered. PERIOD. FULL STOP.
Mom is--I am sorry--selfish. Given that this is a part of her personality, the results even IF you disrupt your life for her care will not be good. Nothing will be enough.
I think you full well know that you should not/cannot do this. If you negate everything you already know to do this the results will be disastrous.
Your mother has HAD her life. And now you have yours. You are at a time of life where you are working, have family and friends, and are likely now in your last years of ability to save for your own safe retirement. Giving that up for what could be a decade will leave you angry and embittered at the last, to say nothing of penniless. The possibility that your Mom will STILL have to go into care is huge.
It is time now for you to make a visit to explain to your mother that you WILL NOT be moving, and that this is not open to argument. As someone resently posted on Forum it is time to OWN being the BAD GUY. Embrace it. because you are going to be labeled with it.
Then discuss her options with Mom. Many of them depend on how well prepared she is for these last years. Has she savings? A home the sale of which would give her the remaining years in a decent ALF? Or is she down to doing at home with help, and spending down until the time she enters a nursing home in her area or yours?
You can throw yourself on the altar of sacrifice. Many do. I would not personally be up to that. I was raised to be independent and to live my own life, to understand my limitations and work within them well as I am able. Raised with love by two parents who planned not to be a burden to their children in future.
Apologize that you have shortcomings if that makes you feel better, but you aren't god and you don't have all the answers. I doubt your mother made everything "right" for you; you can't make that so for her, either. Not everything has a good answer. Not everything can be fixed.
Know that the torment of wishy-washy uncertainty and back and forth and argument will only add to the angst here.
So here goes. Response. Use what you wish. Throw the rest.
"Dear Mom:
Mom, I will be unable to disrupt my entire life now to come and care for you. There are many reasons for this, and I can discuss them with you if you wish, but there is really no argument; this is my decision and it is final. My life is here; my job and my friends, and this is where I will stay. If that makes me the worst-daughter-ever, I am sorry for it. But sorry changes nothing.
Should you wish to move your OWN life here we can discuss the possibility of this, but I suspect you feel the same as I do about where you wish to live your life. And I need to make it clear that even were you to move nearby me, I would not live with you now or in future, nor could I tie my entire life to your needs. While I could perhaps help you more than I can now, I think it would not be enough to make you happy with such a move.
As soon as I am able, and we may be talking summer vacation here, I will come and help you arrange ways to move forward with what is best for you, and what are possible options for your needs now and in future. We can visit Board and Cares, ALFs, Nursing Homes, and the possibility of home support if you can afford that.
I understand that this makes me the "bad daughter", Mom. I can shoulder that as I have shouldered so much else of late. I have decided that, with all I have been through, I have a right now to my own life; I am claiming that right, and am willing to pay the price.
Know that I care for you, and I will do my best to help you given my own limitations and inadequacies.
Love, BigDogs"

I was about to respond and then I paused.

If my daughter had lost her spouse, and two years later had not moved and was stressed and depressed, I think I might consider urging some sort of new start on her, too. So rather than assume your mother simply wants you on hand to wait on her, let's give her credit for more kindness and common sense than is often the case.

But you still shouldn't disadvantage yourself financially or move out of a working environment you like (yes?) or... who needs the ferry to get to civilisation, your mother or you?

When you say "soon to be" the only one (which like others I raise an eyebrow at. Your mother is presumably not the last inhabitant of a desert island) left to assist your mother... what sad or unfortunate event does this anticipate?

If you like your life where you are, the biggest mistake you can make is to change it to please someone else.

Maybe she wants company and you to visit every day. Maybe she thinks you’re unhappy where you are and that a change might be good. Who knows? But have you tried talking to her about this? Sharing your feelings about your home and your town? In doing that, you’ll be able to get a better understanding of why she’s asking this move from you at all.

If it is for herself more than for you, then it’s most likely because she’s lonely. Can you get her some companion care to spend some time with her?

But, I would hesitate before uprooting your whole life to move in with your mom. Given her age, it’s unlikely to last long, and if she becomes ill, or has a bad fall and needs more care, you’ll have altered your life for the worse for nothing.

Have you considered moving her closer to you as a compromise?

Why do women always need to "justify" everything with super human responses or other - when we need our own lives? Dear Bigdogs, there will sadly never be any reason you can give to satisfy. This forum is the perfect place for you to see how others have handled this. You are not alone.
Is there a reason she cannot move to your area or assisted living? There is great comfort in your own home & routine especially after losing your own spouse. Please think carefully about all your options. Be careful and think of you first. You are no good to anyone else including your Mother or your job if you are over the edge more stressed and more depressed. Take good care of you and your own mental health. All the best ahead with this difficult choice.

let’s help family AND help ourselves. :)

please don’t sacrifice your life. and your mother shouldn’t want to sacrifice your life either.

you weren’t born to be sacrificed.

Bigdogs,

You are in Redmond and your mother perhaps on one of the San Juan Islands. I know the challenges of living in a Ferry dependent community, but that is Mum's choice.

Mum does not get to dictate where you live. You have the right to your own life, to live to the fullest.

"Mum, thank you for the invitation to move closer to you. That is not an option for me. Do you want to investigate housing options closer to me, or look into assisted living where you are now?"

Well Mother, they say getting old is not for sissies, eh? Guess I'll find out one day too (if I live long enough). Then I suppose I will downsize or get help in or move to a nice assisted living..

Anyway, back to you. What will YOU do when it gets a bit hard living alone or hard to manage? Obviously I can't pop in to do it all.. I live too far away. So you'll need to hire help or move.

I'm sure you will work out what suit you best.

One thing that comes to mind: they may have schools in many places, but do those schools have job openings? What kind of duties, what pay, retirement benefits, etc.. You are supporting yourself, not just frittering time at work in order to buy luxuries, jewelry, "pin money" as they say. Sometimes the older generation simply does not understand the tremendous social changes. They think that women are not seriously working just amusing themselves and can enter and leave the paid labor market when family needs intervene. No idea that you are responsible for your future. Consider that with your current job you have seniority, retirement benefits etc. Wouldn't you lose that by moving? Is your mom able to understand just how serious a decision this is? As serious as if it were her son that was being asked to uproot?
Frankly I don't see why it would be necessary to move from your place/job. We are not in Outer Mongolia for heaven's sake. We have phones, zoom, all kinds off options. You would not have to trudge for weeks, fighting bears, Siberian tigers, etc. if you needed to get to mom.
I would also want to know what level of care mom is expecting of you. Is downsizing to a senior living situation the real answer here? If you are a servant basically to keep her lifestyle going, then how could your work full-time?
I certainly would not feel obligated to move from what your post indicates is the situation. Isn't it really mom's responsibility to make the changes as she declines?

The thing is, she gets a pension when working for a school district. In my State, the pension is figured on the last 3 yrs you worked.

Why are you the only one left? We have lots of members who gave up everything to move where the parent is. A recent post, a member did this thinking the rest of the family would be there to help. Guess what? They are doing their own thing while she cares for a parent 24/7. She doesn't see her siblings. She is in an area she knows nothing about.

I assume your close to 60. At this point I would not uproot myself. If Mom needs care suggest a nice Assisted Living.

I can only describe to you what we did.

Mom lived north of NYC. I live/d in the city, one brother in CT, one in the wilds of south NJ.

When mom needed more, she moved to an IL facility in Westchester.

When she had a massive stroke, we moved her close to one brother, to Connecticut.

There was never any discussion of us uprooting and moving close to her. We were all mid-career and had mortgages.

Why would your mother assume that you would move?

Sorry mom, I have my life here and have no intentions of moving.

You are NOT a horrible daughter. If anyone is being horrible, it would be more likely be your mom for trying to guilt you into this. She should want you to be independent and happy.

Is she capable of caring for herself? Of deciding what to do next? If not really, do you have POA? If not, strongly suggest that she do what you think she should do. Move to assisted living or whatever is appropriate for her level of function. Lead her to do it where you think is best - near you or in her area. Just make sure that if she does move your way that does not mean that you are going to be at her room every day or every other day. You determine how much time you want to spend visiting, etc.

Oh no this is so sad...just remember you are never alone when others for the asking will help out. Form a Daughters to the rescue group where once a week they can take turns visiting, reading and praying with a 90 year old. Many do not live to become that age. Some may even agree to run light errands. Hang in there and rely on others to help you and Mother!

I think you shouldn't abandon your mom. Move back in with her. Don't worry about your siblings. Just thank God you have siblings at all. Many people don't have any siblings and have to go through life alone.

Your mom doesn't have much time like you do.
All that will happen if she moves on is that you will always regret not helping her in the end.

You can always relocate back to where you are but you can never bring your mom back. Think about that. You can't replace your mom!

Do your psyche a favor. Don't put yourself in perpetual regret that you can't come out of for the rest of your life. That can turn into the torture of its own.

Work with your mom for the best solution that is good for her. If she insists, figure out a way to comply with her demands and move in with her.

No job is more valuable to you than your own mom. You can always replace a job and it's easy to lose any job. Jobs come and go. Covid has shown that. Anything can come up to take jobs away. Your mom is a constant that never leaves your side. Be there for her till the end.

I don't know about you, am a female from Africa where we cherish our parents and never give up on them. Even when their body falls apart, their wisdom is priceless especially when they are still cognitively able to communicate.

Good luck to you.

Do not move. It’s clear you do not want to move and you are entitled to your own life and happiness. Look for other solutions if your mother needs help but do not uproot yourself. You will come to resent being there and resent her. Don’t be guilt tripped you are not a horrible daughter. Tell her you will do everything you can to ensure any needs she has are met but you will not be moving. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I speak with hindsight.
good luck

we had the same thing for a bit….12 hr drive or a 3 hr expensive plane ride. The only thing is MIL had her daughter where she lived. Daughter was “done” taking care of MIL. We would go down 2 times a month to help out. MIL would ask us to move down there. Our response we can not…we have a life at home(whatever that maybe—-work, family, etc). We eventually moved her to us…..is that an option? Move your mom closer to you in a facility?

If your mother wants your help, she needs to move near you and preferably to an independent living facility. I recommend you investigate facilities in your area,, pick the three best and then spend a day bringing her to tour them. Tell her you want her close to you, but she must come to you. You must not uproot your life. Lay down your ground rules. Tell her you agree you are a horrible daughter, but this is what you are willing to do. Period. And don't try to justify your position to her. Find a statement such as "this is the best solution I can offer" and keep repeating the same idea in different ways in response to her objections.

Never rely on others, siblings or relatives to provide care for a loved one, it will only cause stress and disappointment. Your mother has made it to 90 and sounds like she's in fairly good condition. However, odds are that won't last for an extended time. Your mother nurtured and guided until you were prepared enough to care for yourself. A parent with which you have a healthy relationship should not have to plead or lay guilt for assistance from their child at her stage of life. You're obviously, understandably in pain from the loss of your spouse. Consider the reasons for your reluctance. Could you possibly be resisting the relocation in an effort to hold on to the memories of a life you've lost? You can enlist a real estate rep to rent your home. Inquire about positions in that school district and make a trip to view housing options if you prefer to not live with your mom. The dogs are under your control, should not be allowed to jump on anyone and could injure you as well. Check it all out before you shut the door on your mother's request, then be honest with her. Any move is challenging, but you may find the transition a new start, liberating from two years of grieving. When, after careful consideration of the pros and cons of your mother's request, you should have an answer you can live with without guilt. Regret, though a useless emotion, is harder to live with.

Don't move. You have a job and life where you are. Look for other solutions. How independent is Mom? Could a companion be hired to visit , perhaps every other day? Can you visit twice a month? Call on a regular basis?
I can't really provide specific suggestions, since I am not sure of the specifics.
But my recommendation is NOT to move. Best wishes.

Can she move closer to you? That's what my mom did. She actually moved in with us, when she got Alzheimer's. She and my dad, who had COPD, moved to our state 2 years before he died, ( they both lived in an apartment). She was diagnosed with cancer a few years later, and then Alzheimer's a few years after that. It made it much easier for Hubby and me to handle caregiving responsibilities locally. Before they moved, I was flying down to help them in their neighboring state, when needed. I even wrote a book about taking care of my mom when she had Alzheimer's called, "My Mother has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work 1 day, and I realized that this "broad's" once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) If having your mom move closer would make it easier for you, but if she's reluctant, maybe you could tell her about the nice activities for seniors in your area, often sponsored by a local county, so there's no cost invovled.

Do NOT move to her. If your mother needs assistance with daily living, present options in her and your communities.

My mother has dementia but has always been demanding of my time and attention. While stating that neither she, nor anyone else, should be expected to provide daily care of an elder, my husband’s young death was her “Golden Girls” dream come true. Until I ruined it by remarrying and having children. We were neighbours... I managed her affairs, cleaned, shopped, cooked... but it was never enough and she became very bitter and combative that I would not leave my family and move into her house.

Because you’d like help navigating a response, I suspect you’re dealing with someone who does not take no for an answer. Please be careful not to provide ammunition. You are not a horrible daughter. Your dogs are not the excuse. Your life is where you are and you do not wish to move. YOUR circumstances do not warrant a move.

I have daughters. They’re just teens but I cannot imagine asking them to give up their lives to serve me. Perhaps one day my own dementia will lead me to make selfish demands. I have advised them not to cave as I won’t be speaking from my right mind.

My mother’s increasing demands snuck up on me. Now that she is in a care facility I am better able to see things as they were and how unreasonable she had become. Incidentally, now she is happy with my weekly visits. In fact she says she’s thrilled that I visit that often. (trying to recall how often we visited my grandparents - same distance - maybe every 4-8 weeks) I was on the verge of a breakdown when she moved into the facility. I hated to have to chose between keeping her safe and making her happy. But making her happy would have entirely consumed me.

Your mother will not like whether you refuse to move for financial, canine or personal preference reasons. And what YOU want is perfectly legitimate. You are just as entitled to keep the life you’ve made for yourself as anyone else. “I’m happy to help you move there or here to address your concerns, but I will not be relocating. Let’s list your wants and needs to see how we can make things better for you.”

If your mother wants you to care or help out with her care, she should move to your location. My mother lived 3 hours away when she needed to move from a senior living apartment to a NH. She wasn't happy about it, but as I had my business it was necessary. And the reality may be, as it was with my mother, is that your Mom has lost most of her life long friends. But in pure practical terms, she should move to your town for so many reasons.

Do not change your life. This is going to sound harsh, but she is on the end of life path and she will only decline. If you move there, you will eventually have to begin your life again once she has died.
There is no easy way other than to say, "I understand you want me closer, but my home is here, not there. We can look for a place close to me or I can help you find people to help you. I love you, and you raised me to be happy and I am happy where I am, but if you lived close to me, we can see each other more."
Don't give logical reasons, give emotional reasons.

Really there are 2 options.
1. She hire caregivers to come to her house and do what needs to be done for her.
(If she is on Hospice she would have a Nurse weekly, a CNA at least 2 times a week and the ability to ask for a Volunteer that could do some things for her.)
2. She move to an Assisted Living facility close to you (or at the very least a Senior apartment that is close)
She really could not move in with you unless you have an in-law suite she could use. With 2 large dogs that do not know they are large and her with osteoporosis it would be dangerous for her to live "with" you. (this does not even get into the fact that, if you read so many of the posts and comments, moving a parent in can be an ingredient for disaster.)
You need your space, you are still in a vulnerable, grieving space.
AND...You also probably come in contact with many people during your job and with her being immune compromised it is probably not a good idea that she live with you. (at least this is another reason that you can give her)

You are not ever going to be the only one left to assist your mom. Get rid of that idea now or it will torment you.

It sounds like your mom is still on her toes, so what kind of assistance does she realistically need? Housekeeper? Meals? Rides? Advocate? Can you come back and let us know?

Assisting an aging parent should NEVER mean having to completely forsake your own life, so please ignore the ignorance being spewed about doing just that. You deserve to do what is best for you while helping her with what she needs.

Remember that your helping doesn't mean that you are the one scrubbing the toilet or preparing the meals, it can mean getting services in place to ensure it's getting done. There is always more then one solution to a problem, clarify the true needs and move forward with them, not moms guilt tripping and wants.

My mom 85 with dementia wanted me to move in with her in Arkansas and I live 12 hours away in Georgia. It is going to be enough of a life changer either way, but I moved Mom in with me. You cannot let guilt rule. You have to do what is best for you in the long run. Mom will just have to understand or not. I have had my mom for 3 months and it is still very hard just trying to deal with the whole dementia thing let alone all the other changes that will occur. Mom needs to understand, that it is time for her to move with you or if she is healthy enough, an assisted living space. Best wishes to you, I know what you are going through.

My god - you would be insane if you uprooted YOUR life to take care of someone age 90. She lived her life and now you are doing the same. Yes, she is old, has problems, has concerns, etc. but it is also selfish of her to even think of asking this of you. Whatever you do, DO NOT EVEN THINK OF GIVING UP AND MOVING. You will lose the life you deserve and have built and need to grow and keep. Get caretakers or place her. At this point, YOU COME FIRST......NO IF'S, AND'S OR BUT'S. You are not horrible - you are concerned and care but do NOT destroy YOUR life because of this woman - nor endanger your beloved animals who will be loyal to YOU to the end.

Try this --

"Hey Mom, you're right -- they have schools where you are. We also have old people here, so how about you move closer to me instead?"

Sometimes coming right back at them on equal terms wakes people up. ;-)

Just don't do it. She is 90. what if you uproot your life and make a move you don't want to make and she passes in a year. Then what do you do...move again? Just tell her no. You have been through a lot already with the loss of a spouse and moving / job change is one of the most stressful things you can do. Visit her when you can and if her wish is to live near you during what time she has left, suggest that she move closer to you.