I’m soon to be the only one left to assist my mother (90). I live 3-4 hours away and that includes a ferry. Any thoughts?

Sorry mom, I have my life here and have no intentions of moving.

You are NOT a horrible daughter. If anyone is being horrible, it would be more likely be your mom for trying to guilt you into this. She should want you to be independent and happy.

Is she capable of caring for herself? Of deciding what to do next? If not really, do you have POA? If not, strongly suggest that she do what you think she should do. Move to assisted living or whatever is appropriate for her level of function. Lead her to do it where you think is best - near you or in her area. Just make sure that if she does move your way that does not mean that you are going to be at her room every day or every other day. You determine how much time you want to spend visiting, etc.

I can only describe to you what we did.

Mom lived north of NYC. I live/d in the city, one brother in CT, one in the wilds of south NJ.

When mom needed more, she moved to an IL facility in Westchester.

When she had a massive stroke, we moved her close to one brother, to Connecticut.

There was never any discussion of us uprooting and moving close to her. We were all mid-career and had mortgages.

Why would your mother assume that you would move?

The thing is, she gets a pension when working for a school district. In my State, the pension is figured on the last 3 yrs you worked.

Why are you the only one left? We have lots of members who gave up everything to move where the parent is. A recent post, a member did this thinking the rest of the family would be there to help. Guess what? They are doing their own thing while she cares for a parent 24/7. She doesn't see her siblings. She is in an area she knows nothing about.

I assume your close to 60. At this point I would not uproot myself. If Mom needs care suggest a nice Assisted Living.

One thing that comes to mind: they may have schools in many places, but do those schools have job openings? What kind of duties, what pay, retirement benefits, etc.. You are supporting yourself, not just frittering time at work in order to buy luxuries, jewelry, "pin money" as they say. Sometimes the older generation simply does not understand the tremendous social changes. They think that women are not seriously working just amusing themselves and can enter and leave the paid labor market when family needs intervene. No idea that you are responsible for your future. Consider that with your current job you have seniority, retirement benefits etc. Wouldn't you lose that by moving? Is your mom able to understand just how serious a decision this is? As serious as if it were her son that was being asked to uproot?
Frankly I don't see why it would be necessary to move from your place/job. We are not in Outer Mongolia for heaven's sake. We have phones, zoom, all kinds off options. You would not have to trudge for weeks, fighting bears, Siberian tigers, etc. if you needed to get to mom.
I would also want to know what level of care mom is expecting of you. Is downsizing to a senior living situation the real answer here? If you are a servant basically to keep her lifestyle going, then how could your work full-time?
I certainly would not feel obligated to move from what your post indicates is the situation. Isn't it really mom's responsibility to make the changes as she declines?

Well Mother, they say getting old is not for sissies, eh? Guess I'll find out one day too (if I live long enough). Then I suppose I will downsize or get help in or move to a nice assisted living..

Anyway, back to you. What will YOU do when it gets a bit hard living alone or hard to manage? Obviously I can't pop in to do it all.. I live too far away. So you'll need to hire help or move.

I'm sure you will work out what suit you best.

Bigdogs,

You are in Redmond and your mother perhaps on one of the San Juan Islands. I know the challenges of living in a Ferry dependent community, but that is Mum's choice.

Mum does not get to dictate where you live. You have the right to your own life, to live to the fullest.

"Mum, thank you for the invitation to move closer to you. That is not an option for me. Do you want to investigate housing options closer to me, or look into assisted living where you are now?"

let’s help family AND help ourselves. :)

please don’t sacrifice your life. and your mother shouldn’t want to sacrifice your life either.

you weren’t born to be sacrificed.

Why do women always need to "justify" everything with super human responses or other - when we need our own lives? Dear Bigdogs, there will sadly never be any reason you can give to satisfy. This forum is the perfect place for you to see how others have handled this. You are not alone.
Is there a reason she cannot move to your area or assisted living? There is great comfort in your own home & routine especially after losing your own spouse. Please think carefully about all your options. Be careful and think of you first. You are no good to anyone else including your Mother or your job if you are over the edge more stressed and more depressed. Take good care of you and your own mental health. All the best ahead with this difficult choice.

If you like your life where you are, the biggest mistake you can make is to change it to please someone else.

Maybe she wants company and you to visit every day. Maybe she thinks you’re unhappy where you are and that a change might be good. Who knows? But have you tried talking to her about this? Sharing your feelings about your home and your town? In doing that, you’ll be able to get a better understanding of why she’s asking this move from you at all.

If it is for herself more than for you, then it’s most likely because she’s lonely. Can you get her some companion care to spend some time with her?

But, I would hesitate before uprooting your whole life to move in with your mom. Given her age, it’s unlikely to last long, and if she becomes ill, or has a bad fall and needs more care, you’ll have altered your life for the worse for nothing.

Have you considered moving her closer to you as a compromise?

I was about to respond and then I paused.

If my daughter had lost her spouse, and two years later had not moved and was stressed and depressed, I think I might consider urging some sort of new start on her, too. So rather than assume your mother simply wants you on hand to wait on her, let's give her credit for more kindness and common sense than is often the case.

But you still shouldn't disadvantage yourself financially or move out of a working environment you like (yes?) or... who needs the ferry to get to civilisation, your mother or you?

When you say "soon to be" the only one (which like others I raise an eyebrow at. Your mother is presumably not the last inhabitant of a desert island) left to assist your mother... what sad or unfortunate event does this anticipate?

Many elders do not have children, as both you and your Mom know.
I do have children, one living several states away and one living half the country away; the last thing I would consider is their disrupting their lives to care for me. Your mother's expectations are UNREALISTIC, and they should not be considered. PERIOD. FULL STOP.
Mom is--I am sorry--selfish. Given that this is a part of her personality, the results even IF you disrupt your life for her care will not be good. Nothing will be enough.
I think you full well know that you should not/cannot do this. If you negate everything you already know to do this the results will be disastrous.
Your mother has HAD her life. And now you have yours. You are at a time of life where you are working, have family and friends, and are likely now in your last years of ability to save for your own safe retirement. Giving that up for what could be a decade will leave you angry and embittered at the last, to say nothing of penniless. The possibility that your Mom will STILL have to go into care is huge.
It is time now for you to make a visit to explain to your mother that you WILL NOT be moving, and that this is not open to argument. As someone resently posted on Forum it is time to OWN being the BAD GUY. Embrace it. because you are going to be labeled with it.
Then discuss her options with Mom. Many of them depend on how well prepared she is for these last years. Has she savings? A home the sale of which would give her the remaining years in a decent ALF? Or is she down to doing at home with help, and spending down until the time she enters a nursing home in her area or yours?
You can throw yourself on the altar of sacrifice. Many do. I would not personally be up to that. I was raised to be independent and to live my own life, to understand my limitations and work within them well as I am able. Raised with love by two parents who planned not to be a burden to their children in future.
Apologize that you have shortcomings if that makes you feel better, but you aren't god and you don't have all the answers. I doubt your mother made everything "right" for you; you can't make that so for her, either. Not everything has a good answer. Not everything can be fixed.
Know that the torment of wishy-washy uncertainty and back and forth and argument will only add to the angst here.
So here goes. Response. Use what you wish. Throw the rest.
"Dear Mom:
Mom, I will be unable to disrupt my entire life now to come and care for you. There are many reasons for this, and I can discuss them with you if you wish, but there is really no argument; this is my decision and it is final. My life is here; my job and my friends, and this is where I will stay. If that makes me the worst-daughter-ever, I am sorry for it. But sorry changes nothing.
Should you wish to move your OWN life here we can discuss the possibility of this, but I suspect you feel the same as I do about where you wish to live your life. And I need to make it clear that even were you to move nearby me, I would not live with you now or in future, nor could I tie my entire life to your needs. While I could perhaps help you more than I can now, I think it would not be enough to make you happy with such a move.
As soon as I am able, and we may be talking summer vacation here, I will come and help you arrange ways to move forward with what is best for you, and what are possible options for your needs now and in future. We can visit Board and Cares, ALFs, Nursing Homes, and the possibility of home support if you can afford that.
I understand that this makes me the "bad daughter", Mom. I can shoulder that as I have shouldered so much else of late. I have decided that, with all I have been through, I have a right now to my own life; I am claiming that right, and am willing to pay the price.
Know that I care for you, and I will do my best to help you given my own limitations and inadequacies.
Love, BigDogs"

Your mom's "clueless" response is probably an indication that she is having cognitive decline.

When you say you are "soon to be the only one left to assist my mother...", what does this mean exactly?

Are you your mother's DPoA? Medical Representative? If not, this should be put in place asap or trying to manage her care from a distance will be more difficult than necessary. Then I would make an appointment with her doctor and request a cognitive/memory exam for her. Then you will know just what you're dealing with.

The caregiving arrangement only works if it works for both parties. If I were in your shoes I would move her into a care community near me, not visa versa. She will most likely resist this, but (depending on her cognitive condition) you may be able to tell her a "therapeutic fib" that while she's out visiting you she will be in a temporary apartment/hotel because of your dogs. Then you go about taking care of the remaining business (which will be a lot but when it's done, it will be a relief). This is a morally acceptable strategy because it is in her best interest and isn't an onerous caregiving arrangement for you. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you ponder solutions.

Okay, let's just look at this for a moment. A lot of this is going to be age-dependent. Are you anywhere near close to retirement age? Would you lose a pension if you left your school district? What would you do for medical insurance if you leave your job? If you are Medicare eligible, it would help IF you decide to move to your mother's locale. There is more to picking up and moving to be a caregiver. Might it make more sense to move her to somewhere near you despite the real estate market in your area? Does she own her home? If so could it be sold to fund the relocation? I know she will kick and scream about moving at this stage (I mean who really wants to leave their home and deal with the pain of packing, etc.?) But is may be necessary for her if you are going to be her primary caregiver. Take a breath and begin to list which would be best for both of you.