My mom has lived with me for 16 years now. She is 76, has dementia, hearing loss and vision problems. She is usually pretty angry and blames me for stealing her things and mistreating her. I am 42 with adult children and a husband. We all care for her and take excellent care of her but I'm tired :( My heart breaks every time she accuses me of these things. Now she has taken to leaving the house and saying that she is walking to the store. When I try to stop her she becomes combative and angry. I am a teacher and I need to return to work now but I can't afford assisted living or in home help. Is 76 too young for a nursing home?
The short answer is "no." I've seen people in my mom's care facility a lot younger than 76 - it has to do with their health issues. A friend of mine's daughter was diagnosed with Parkinson's at the age of 46 and is in a care facility.
Your mom has a lot of health issues that will only become increasingly more difficult for you to handle on your own even if you do have help from your family.
Please find a reputable place (by doing your due diligence) and place her as soon as you can. Sixteen years is a long time to have her live with you as well as being taken care of by your family. The care facilities, especially if she's put in a memory care unit, are equipped to handle all the behavioral problems that go along with the dementia.
Best wishes to all of you!
As others have said, it's about the condition, not the age. You should look into a memory care facility for your mom (not assisted living), and I think you'll be surprised that she'll do much better there than in your house. The staff at MC is trained on how to handle the anger and the manipulation, while in your house she knows there's a personal connection that makes her behavior hurtful. My mother is doing much better in her MC than she was in her own home and even when she was in a skilled nursing place before MC.
Letting go does not mean that you don't care. I told myself this lie. It isn't true. You do not have to convince anyone that you care about your mom. You have already shown for 16 years how much you care for her! Finding the best facility for her is the very best thing that you can do for her. That is caring.
If you are like I was, we feel like no one will take as good care of mom as we do. That isn't true. They survive. We have been conditioned to care for them for so long that we don't know any other life. It takes a bit of deprograming and refocusing on our own lives to succeed in letting go.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I looked quickly at your profile. Your mother was widowed at the young age of 60 and moved in with you after your family's sad loss. And then..?
I'm wondering when your mother was diagnosed with dementia, whether that is the only or even the major factor in her long history of complete dependence on you and your family, and if there might be many other kinds of support that would make life better for all of you.
Of course you are! Now it's time to make a change. 16 years you've been doing this? How did you come to take her into your home -- were there no other choices at the time?
"Now she has taken to leaving the house and saying that she is walking to the store. When I try to stop her she becomes combative and angry. I am a teacher and I need to return to work now but I can't afford assisted living or in home help. Is 76 too young for a nursing home?"
It was at the wandering point when my mother had to put her mother into a NH years ago. My mother also worked.
YOU do not have to pay for her to live in a facility. What are her finances? Can she become eligible for Medicaid?
Memory Care is more of what she would need. Less of a medical setting, more home like with activities and people that have been trained to care for people with dementia of different types.
"Nursing Homes" are generally not locked units where as Memory Care Facilities are locked so residents can not just "up and go".
If at 76 this is the type of care your mom needs then she is not too young. There was a seminar I was attending at a Memory Care Facility and one of the attendees asked the age of the youngest resident. The response shocked most. The youngest resident was 36 years old, he had been diagnosed with Early Onset Dementia. He and his wife had a 2 year old child. She just could not care for both.
Look into Adult Day Care for your mom. Many will pick up in the morning and return them in the late afternoon. That might work with your schedule.
If your mom is a Veteran there is the possibility that the VA could help
Check with your local Senior Center or Area Council on Aging there may be programs that they are aware of that could provide other options.
I can understand the tiredness of taking care of someone.
Going into a Nursing Home is never good for the loved one and actually at this time now with the Covid , I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to be going into a Nursing Home.
Most hate it, are very unhappy and don't want to be there.
They usually feel sad, abandoned, scared and unloved and eventially lose their will to live.
If you think you can't handle it anymore, you might try using your mom's Social Security on partime help, a few hours Mon - Fri while you go back to work and or get a day on a weekend for Caregiver help while you take a much needed break to be able to go out to dinner , Get a massage and enjoy yourself.
If you know your aren't able to continue caring for your mom, then you can start having conversations about what will be the best solution and the conversations should be done while ya'll are having a nice time not during an argument.
Start now and go look at a few Nursing Homes and chose two to show your mom.
Let her know up front that it won't happen till after the Holidays which means after New Years.
Let her know that you have found a couple and tell her you would like her to choose which one she would like to live at..
Prayers
And it's NOT up to you to pay for mom's care. That's why she has SS. Start checking in to places now. Be aware she'll be in a 2 week quarantine right off the bat and then you'll have to follow the facility's rule afterward. If you are ready to have mom be in that kind of a place--do it now.
If you need to return to work, are the hubby and children going to be able to contain her within the home and care for her? That's your big question right now, so totally evaluate your answer. At 42, you probably cannot afford to quit your job, limit your retirement income (from school and SS), so your financial needs are a huge consideration.
Consider her safety regardless of her age. Even being at home you are having difficulty stopping her from walking away. Imagine if you were at work and away from home. She's just like a child - what would you do to keep your own child safe? It is probably time to find a place where she cannot walk out on her own and have her care attended to 24/7.
Not easy to make this change in her life, but it is better than the guilt you would have should she get lost or hurt on one of her outings. Some folks do well long in to their 90's, some require facility care much, much earlier. Age is not the factor
If the threat of covid is at the top of your list of concerns, talk with her doctor about in home help. Medicare (and Medicaid) will pay for certain things to help you out for now. Bathing, housekeeping for her (bed changing, cleaning her room, etc). Ask to see how a referral from dr could help you out.
A caregiver
Statements like this only heap guilt on caretakers in an already bad situation. There are tons of stories here of elders who had to be placed in a NH and it worked out well. Their elders had more socialization and more activities and help 24/7. And families knew their elder was safe, which is a huge relief.
You are no longer able to keep Mom safe if she's wandering off and combative. This isn't your fault! You're not SuperWoman... you can't take care of yourself, your own family, and Mom at once and do it all perfectly well. No one could!
If she's this far along in her dementia, it's time for placement. You're not giving up on her; you're doing what is best for her. It's just at the stage where you do not have the training or strength to care for her at home anymore.
Age, as many noted, isn't the real criteria for LTC. Condition and ability to provide the care are the decision makes. Her condition certainly qualifies and the need to work and retain your own health and sanity are also decision makers. You've done the best you can, and now the best you can do for your mother is to find a good place where she will be well cared for AND safe!
. I had to put a lock on my basement door and a lock on the front door that you have to have a key to open cause my mom would open it and go out in the night and snow. She gets very mean and hateful and I get upset and cry cause it hurts then later she don't remember she said anything.
BTW, the median age for Alzheimer's Disease is only 62. There are many people who have dementia in their 40s and 50s. So, no, 76, is not "too young."
A nursing home is a LOT more expensive than assisted living or in-home help. If your mother has too much income or assets, she won't qualify for Medicaid - and she will blow through her savings very quickly with the cost of a nursing home.
AL was about $4500 a month. SNC close to $6500, MC is $5000 in Ohio. Yes, it is expensive, no Medicare will not pay. Luckily Mom has the assets to pay for up to a year. AL/MC usually will not accept Medicaid waivers until the resident has lived there for 2 years.
It sounds like you Mom might be a candidate for Memory Care. I suggest you call around and discuss this with several facilities. They can make an assessment of your mom. Nursing Home care is usually the last stage.
Nursing homes are not just for the very elderly.