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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I guess sometimes the same gender is preferred i.e. if female, then female, if male then male for dignity reasons? Rather like preference on seeing male or female doctors for certain health problems.
I'd hire a male caregiver if I were in this position. With dementia comes a strong possibility this husband will be sexually attracted to a woman caregiver. Being that you said the gentleman is happily married for 60 years leads me to believe you're looking for the answer I've given you, or for confirmation of your belief.
In many cases it DOES make a difference what gender the caregiver is! Especially when dementia is involved and Inappropriate Sexual Behavior is common.
My Dad had both male and female caregivers and he was much happier with the female caregivers. And especially if the caregivers were in their 50's and 60's, thus have more in common when it came to TV shows, names of actors, music, history, etc.
Would a guy really want a woman to be wiping his deriere? Or scrubbing his scrotum? With dementia, he may like it in inappropriate ways, but as the wife I wouldn't be in favor of it. I vote for same sex aid, especially if it's a companion aid.
There are several factors that should be considered here. Like the man's age for example. He is from a generation where women were the nurses and men were the doctors. Nurses are the ones who did this kind of work and they aren't going to allow another man who isn't an actual doctor to go near them.
Then the man's dementia has to be considered. If he is hyper-sexual and is as Anxietynacy says in the comments 'a more sexually outspoken male' then a male caregiver is the way to go.
It pretty much comes down to the people who know the man with dementia best and who see him the most often. They would know if he'd be better served by a male of female caregiver.
My dad had dementia, and resented and tried to avoid and drive away all the aides we tried, male and female. He was slightly more accepting of one male nurse who was confident and experienced and even got my dad to shower a couple of times. But when this nurse gave him a rapid Covid test, my dad became apoplectic.
My in laws caregiver is a mid 50s fat Pacific Islander.She diapers slight fil. There’s no “flirting” there. I doubt he thinks of her as a sexual being at all.
I have been caring for a 93 yr old gentleman for the past 11 yrs. I have been told that having a female helps the wife through each day as well as her husband. However, I would suggest hiring an older female caregiver rather than a young one due to the personal/hygene needs of the patient. Just my thoughts Ggood luck
I think it depends on the a tusl individual make or female could form a bond with him depending on their personalities maybe you need to talk with a few and see how comfortable you are with them
It really depends! 1) How big/heavy is he? (male caregivers can generally lift more) 2) What is his sexual orientation and awareness? (some are in the closet, some are misogynistic, some are grabby and/or inappropriate with one sex or the other, some have an aversion to one sex or the other) 3) Is he outgoing and personable, or shy and quiet? (personality compatibility matters)
I am amazed at the seemingly homophobic feelings expressed. When I was hiring caregivers for my SO there was no choice offered as to male or female. He liked some females and some males. Ohers he didn't like - males and females.
If possible, ask which the client prefers. It is the interaction chemistry that counts. If you are dealing with an agency, let them know which ones the client likes and ask for them again.
There comes a point where you realize care is more important than modesty. I think most hesitation comes crime your own feelings of modesty. For some no big deal for others it is. So each person will be different and have different needs.
Yes, it could be a projection - or not. A person needs to ask themselves / process their own reactions / concerns / feelings for clarity / clarification ... it can be a life-long process - of awareness. Gena / Touch Maters
A good caregiver will respect the dignity and privacy of the person they are caring for. the CNA (female) that was assigned to my Husband when he was on Hospice was always very careful when she brought him from the bedroom down the hall to the bathroom (The accessible bathroom was down the hall from the main bedroom) She would make sure he was covered with a towel or sheet. It was just the 3 of us in the house. Giving a bed bath she always kept the portion of the body she was not cleaning covered. The gentleman with dementia is probably not going to care or notice the gender of the person caring for him. The only problem that might occur is some people with dementia become fixated on sex and may get a little "touchy feely". Most caregivers can handle this and have ways to stop it but if it becomes an issue then asking for the same gender caregiver might be necessary. But if this has not been a problem it may never be.
Ask what he would prefer. In my community, male caregivers are fewer. I would like a strong man to help with caring for my husband, but there are simply none available, so I have a woman come in to help me.
He may or may not be able to respond due to dementia.
It depends on the severity / degree. Although it certainly is respectful to ask - in case he can communicate his preference. All too often, I am aware of people dismissing a person's 'abilities / awareness' due to dementia. There brain has changed although lots still gets through. I'll never forget when I told my client "I love you M" - she had advanced dementia (spoke non-sensical wording) and responded with such appreciation / feeling the affection I shared / felt for / with her. She got it even if we couldn't verbally talk to each other.
I do not under estimate a person with dementia. One day it could be me. I wouldn't want to be talked 'down' to although I would want the best care, even if I cannot convey what that might be. I will be pleased / feel secure with a smile and /or perhaps a hug and hearing "I am taking good care of you."
Whoever is strong enough, physically, to handle all his needs. Most people are used to having female nurses at dr and hospital visits. Introduce your helper as a friend of so-and-so who has come to help us.
For my sometimes-stubborn, but peaceful, dad with aphasia, we had a female caregiver in the morning and a male caregiver in the evening. Both were strong enough to transfer him between the bed/wheelchair and shower/wheelchair; shop for groceries and fix a meal he would eat; do laundry, change his clothes, and change the sheets and towels. Both were matched by the agency to our stories of his personality as well as that of my (deceased) mother and how she spoke to and motivated him (she was a bit of a bully). The energetic, positive-minded older female caregiver could roust him out of bed and into the shower, sell him on eating breakfast, and talk to him while she straightened up or did some laundry. She would fix and share lunch with him, take him down to his in-house mailbox, then put him back to bed for a nap. The calm, more-quiet, younger male caregiver would wake him and share dinner with him, then they would sit and chat while watching evening television until it was time for bed. It was perfect. We used Kelly Home Healthcare.
It’s hard to find a male HHC attendant, but if you can, I would go that route. Dad has been pretty much helpless for 2 years now in an ALF but we have private care overnight. He was very resistant to females helping him bathe and use the bathroom (change depends at the toilet). But we found he was totally receptive to a male. Plus, anytime he slipped to the ground on his walk from the bathroom to his chair, the male was much more helpful in getting him up. But he does get a kick out of the females funny personalities. Some even dance for him and he laughs.
It depends on why you are asking the question. What are your concerns? Some people gravitate towards one or the other - at times. Mostly, I believe it depends on the level of sensitivity, attention, abilities --- non-verbal communication (i.e., tone of voice, facial expressions / eye contact, smiling) ... not necessarily the sex of the person.
Being married for 60 years, he may prefer a female, as he is more 'used' to a female caring for him. Even with dementia, he may be sensitive to who is working with him.
Try whoever you feel is a good fit (dependable, experienced, sensitive) and see how it goes. It may also depend on the level/degree of dementia - or it may not. In my experience working with people inflicted with dementia, they pick up on a lot non-verbally.
I will read others' responses. It is an interesting question. Oh yes ... I didn't consider the strength of the caregiver. Sometimes a 'strong man' is needed if turning over in bed / lifting / helping get in a wheelchair. These things need to be considered.
Adding to what TouchMatters said - about him preferring a female after being married for 60 years. I can see that.
And please understand what I'm about to say is in reference to my FIL. Not your loved one.
But when people develop dementia - they can become hypersexual (even the nicest, kindest most caring people cannot escape the ravages of what dementia does to the brain).
For my FIL - because we didn't know (for certain, we had concerns) that he had dementia - he was still fully in charge of any decisions about caregivers. The VA had authorized a 3 day a week bath aide. My FIL was a large man - over 300lbs and over 6ft tall.
So in our minds a larger, strong male would have been ideal to assist him - for the safety concerns at the bare minimum.
He was almost 90 - and unfortunately - there are some in his generation (heck there are some in all generations) that assume if a male CNA or caregiver is bathing men - it means they "enjoy it" and he flat out refused to allow male caregivers of any kind (at home). My FIL associated physical caregiving with wanting to touch people - not with wanting to help them, or to do a job. We had many conversations with him regarding how he interacted with them - trying to remind him that they were from the medical community for his assistance - but he still just boiled it down to them wanting to watch him bathe.
And for a moment - that narcissism (he was a genuine narc) really bubbled over - because frankly I don't imagine anyone (but maybe DH lol) wants to see me bathe let alone help me. So if you can imagine a 90 year old 300lb man thinking that people were going to come bathe him just to look at him sexually - it blew me away. (he was applying his own ideas to them unfortunately)
HE had a preference. (and full disclosure - it just added to the "dirty old man" trope.)He preferred young female bath aides (around his granddaughters age). I think it was two fold - first that he enjoyed them watching (blech) and second that they didn't push back when e told them no (he wanted the shower curtain closed, he wanted NO help.) It was pushing it to allow them in the bathroom - so how they were watching we just didn't understand. We think he just liked having a young female at his beck and call. When we finally got to the point (we forced it) where he allowed them to actually participate - THEN he got embarrassed because he didn't want them to SEE see him.
We preferred the older women - because they didn't take his garbage. My FIL could dish it out but never take it. The older aides didn't have the time or the patience for it.
I say all of that to say this - recommendations will vary - based on need. They will vary based on your loved one's views on having help. They will vary on a lot of factors because you might find someone he loves...for a while. And then dementia will twist things up and he suddenly hates them. There are a ton of factors. And depending on what stage dementia - things can change on a dime.
The good news is that with a caregiver agency - you can alternate (usually - resource constraints may impact this) until you figure out what works best for everyone. (another possible consideration is forming a close relationship with a female caregiver - how will his wife feel about that?)
Dementia is an ugly disease. It can wipe entire relationships and people right out of someone's memory.
So just keep all of that in mind as the caregiver search moves forward.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Is he resistive to things such as bathing ?
Is the man easy going with women ? Will do what a woman asks him to do ?
Or would he respond better to a male getting him to accept care ?
Ive seen a couple really nice male caregivers, there just really isn't that many, harder to find.
Good luck 😔
I guess sometimes the same gender is preferred i.e. if female, then female, if male then male for dignity reasons? Rather like preference on seeing male or female doctors for certain health problems.
In many cases it DOES make a difference what gender the caregiver is! Especially when dementia is involved and Inappropriate Sexual Behavior is common.
Someone that knows the man you are asking for would be better suited to answer this for you.
Absolutely they would. Homophobia is a real thing among men who are in their late 70's and early 80's.
Really it's all about the people who know this person the best to make the right decision.
Like sometimes we hear on here about. If he was them maybe a male would be better. As long as his sexual comments were of the heterosexual nature
Then the man's dementia has to be considered. If he is hyper-sexual and is as Anxietynacy says in the comments 'a more sexually outspoken male' then a male caregiver is the way to go.
It pretty much comes down to the people who know the man with dementia best and who see him the most often. They would know if he'd be better served by a male of female caregiver.
Good luck!
Ggood luck
individual
make or female could form a bond with him depending on their personalities
maybe you need to talk with a few and see how comfortable you are with them
1) How big/heavy is he? (male caregivers can generally lift more)
2) What is his sexual orientation and awareness? (some are in the closet, some are misogynistic, some are grabby and/or inappropriate with one sex or the other, some have an aversion to one sex or the other)
3) Is he outgoing and personable, or shy and quiet? (personality compatibility matters)
If possible, ask which the client prefers. It is the interaction chemistry that counts. If you are dealing with an agency, let them know which ones the client likes and ask for them again.
A person needs to ask themselves / process their own reactions / concerns / feelings for clarity / clarification ... it can be a life-long process - of awareness. Gena / Touch Maters
the CNA (female) that was assigned to my Husband when he was on Hospice was always very careful when she brought him from the bedroom down the hall to the bathroom (The accessible bathroom was down the hall from the main bedroom)
She would make sure he was covered with a towel or sheet. It was just the 3 of us in the house.
Giving a bed bath she always kept the portion of the body she was not cleaning covered.
The gentleman with dementia is probably not going to care or notice the gender of the person caring for him. The only problem that might occur is some people with dementia become fixated on sex and may get a little "touchy feely". Most caregivers can handle this and have ways to stop it but if it becomes an issue then asking for the same gender caregiver might be necessary. But if this has not been a problem it may never be.
And, how are you doing Ms. Grandma? Gena
In my community, male caregivers are fewer. I would like a strong man to help with caring for my husband, but there are simply none available, so I have a woman come in to help me.
It depends on the severity / degree. Although it certainly is respectful to ask - in case he can communicate his preference. All too often, I am aware of people dismissing a person's 'abilities / awareness' due to dementia. There brain has changed although lots still gets through. I'll never forget when I told my client "I love you M" - she had advanced dementia (spoke non-sensical wording) and responded with such appreciation / feeling the affection I shared / felt for / with her. She got it even if we couldn't verbally talk to each other.
I do not under estimate a person with dementia.
One day it could be me. I wouldn't want to be talked 'down' to although I would want the best care, even if I cannot convey what that might be. I will be pleased / feel secure with a smile and /or perhaps a hug and hearing "I am taking good care of you."
Gena / Touch Matters
What are your concerns?
Some people gravitate towards one or the other - at times.
Mostly, I believe it depends on the level of sensitivity, attention, abilities --- non-verbal communication (i.e., tone of voice, facial expressions / eye contact, smiling) ... not necessarily the sex of the person.
Being married for 60 years, he may prefer a female, as he is more 'used' to a female caring for him. Even with dementia, he may be sensitive to who is working with him.
Try whoever you feel is a good fit (dependable, experienced, sensitive) and see how it goes. It may also depend on the level/degree of dementia - or it may not. In my experience working with people inflicted with dementia, they pick up on a lot non-verbally.
I will read others' responses. It is an interesting question. Oh yes ... I didn't consider the strength of the caregiver. Sometimes a 'strong man' is needed if turning over in bed / lifting / helping get in a wheelchair. These things need to be considered.
Gena / Touch Matters
And please understand what I'm about to say is in reference to my FIL. Not your loved one.
But when people develop dementia - they can become hypersexual (even the nicest, kindest most caring people cannot escape the ravages of what dementia does to the brain).
For my FIL - because we didn't know (for certain, we had concerns) that he had dementia - he was still fully in charge of any decisions about caregivers. The VA had authorized a 3 day a week bath aide. My FIL was a large man - over 300lbs and over 6ft tall.
So in our minds a larger, strong male would have been ideal to assist him - for the safety concerns at the bare minimum.
He was almost 90 - and unfortunately - there are some in his generation (heck there are some in all generations) that assume if a male CNA or caregiver is bathing men - it means they "enjoy it" and he flat out refused to allow male caregivers of any kind (at home). My FIL associated physical caregiving with wanting to touch people - not with wanting to help them, or to do a job. We had many conversations with him regarding how he interacted with them - trying to remind him that they were from the medical community for his assistance - but he still just boiled it down to them wanting to watch him bathe.
And for a moment - that narcissism (he was a genuine narc) really bubbled over - because frankly I don't imagine anyone (but maybe DH lol) wants to see me bathe let alone help me. So if you can imagine a 90 year old 300lb man thinking that people were going to come bathe him just to look at him sexually - it blew me away. (he was applying his own ideas to them unfortunately)
HE had a preference. (and full disclosure - it just added to the "dirty old man" trope.)He preferred young female bath aides (around his granddaughters age). I think it was two fold - first that he enjoyed them watching (blech) and second that they didn't push back when e told them no (he wanted the shower curtain closed, he wanted NO help.) It was pushing it to allow them in the bathroom - so how they were watching we just didn't understand. We think he just liked having a young female at his beck and call. When we finally got to the point (we forced it) where he allowed them to actually participate - THEN he got embarrassed because he didn't want them to SEE see him.
We preferred the older women - because they didn't take his garbage. My FIL could dish it out but never take it. The older aides didn't have the time or the patience for it.
I say all of that to say this - recommendations will vary - based on need. They will vary based on your loved one's views on having help. They will vary on a lot of factors because you might find someone he loves...for a while. And then dementia will twist things up and he suddenly hates them. There are a ton of factors. And depending on what stage dementia - things can change on a dime.
The good news is that with a caregiver agency - you can alternate (usually - resource constraints may impact this) until you figure out what works best for everyone. (another possible consideration is forming a close relationship with a female caregiver - how will his wife feel about that?)
Dementia is an ugly disease. It can wipe entire relationships and people right out of someone's memory.
So just keep all of that in mind as the caregiver search moves forward.