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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mom refuses to get a hearing aid… And I already know her response will be”WHAT?” to every question asked …I find myself getting so angry and the negative energy begins with having to repeat myself at least four times literally screaming….
after spending thousands of dollars on hearing aids that don't help, we sought help from an ENT who advised that often the problem with hearing in the elderly is a deficit in central auditory processing part of the brain -- that is, they hear the sounds you make but can't comprehend them, or at least not quickly. Hearing aids do address the problem, they just make the sound jumble louder. It is a common problem, the ENT said, and because the dysfunction is deep within the brain, there is yet no treatment. When elderly people talk about not being able to hear properly in a restaurant, that is a sign of central auditory processing disorder. If and when the dysfunction progresses, one sees problems like those you are encountering. Stop screaming; it does no good and just exhausts you. Try slowing down speech and keeping your sentences short and simple. Not a complete solution but at least you know the problem is not a matter of stubborness, it is a physical disability.
I completely understand the frustration. My aunt went through something similar — she tried hearing aids twice and quit both times. The buzzing, the "plugged ear" feeling, the constant feedback noise. She said it felt like insects in her ears.
What finally worked for us: bone conduction headphones. They sit on the cheekbone and send sound through skull vibrations directly to the inner ear. Nothing goes inside the ear at all. No buzzing, no occlusion, no feedback. She wears them comfortably for hours — they're designed as sports headphones so they're lightweight.
For phone calls and TV, the headphones alone work great. For in-person conversations (family dinners, doctor visits), we pair them with a simple passthrough app on the phone — phone sits on the table, picks up room audio, streams it to the headphones. She actually follows conversations now instead of smiling and nodding.
Cost: $40-80 for a decent pair (Shokz OpenMove). Compare that to $3,000+ hearing aids she refused to wear.
Important caveats: this works best for conductive or mild-to-moderate hearing loss. It won't help everyone. And it's not a replacement for professional audiological care. But for a parent who flat-out refuses hearing aids, it might be worth trying — because the best hearing solution is the one they'll actually wear.
Worth asking their audiologist about bone conduction as an option.
YES, it is annoying and exhausting - I can relate.
With my mom's dementia, when she could no longer tolerate wearing hearing aids, I tried this device called a "Pocket Talker", in which the hard-of-hearing person wears headphones and a box with a microphone. It worked BUT because of her dementia, she couldn't understand why she had headphones on her head. She was constantly asking about them and removing them. I gave up on that device. It might work in some situations, but not mine.
Now, my recommendation would be for you to use a "voice amplifier". That way, you don't have to shout, and there's nothing your mother has to wear, fiddle with, or complain about.
Also, before you speak: 1. make sure you have her attention 2. look directly at her 3. speak slowly and enunciate your words clearly 4. use fewer words in your message - sometimes people with hearing difficulties can't mentally process a lot of words at once.
Figure out what communication aid would help you have conversations with your mother. It's not going to improve. So it is up to you to figure out what would help so you don't get so frustrated.
My mother wore hearing aids for most of her adult life. She was clinically deaf and the hearing aids managed to salvage what little hearing she had left. Communication was really hard. I hated when we'd have a family dinner and someone said something funny and she would ask what was so funny. It is not possible to communicate why something was funny. She missed a lot of nuance in groups.
Her deafness became more of an issue at the end of her life. I finally couldn't stand shouting anymore, especially in the nursing home where everyone can hear your business. I found using an iPad was very helpful when there was something I really needed her to know.
There comes a point when caregiving becomes such a minute by minute crucible that it truly is not sustainable. I think it is time for the difficult sit down.
First of all know that most people with hearing aids hate them. Hard to find ones that work well. The new fangled ones require a smart phone to set them and isn't even doable for most seniors. I would go to Costco for the best deal on a simple aid.
Secondly, time for the sit down talk. That would be "Mom, I cannot continue to do in home care for you if it requires me to shriek my brains out. I simple can't go on with that. Either we work on hearing aids you will wear when awake and communicating with me, or you go into care. I truly am sorry, but I have reached the end of patience and am feeling frantic and anxious. I can't go on in this manner".
Then, guess what. It truly is either or. It cannot continue that you are in a continual stew of what comes down as unintentional abuse.
I made myself hoarse until i began to write convos down meaning my side. I put very important info on walls notes (like FLUSH YOUR TOILET EVERY TIME YOU GO So It wont overflow at 2am In the Middle of Night)Prepare to accept their decision while exhausting advice and options. We tried 3 prs fr cheap to the kind you can insure but short of me putting them in first am then out at bedtime- i didn’t go each day-it became a very expensive item i had to play hide and seek w. Also, if they come waterproof now they will make it thru the clothes washer. Learning curve… enjoy
Refuse to scream from here on out. Just shrug or use a whiteboard. If that makes her mad, there is a solution… hearing aids!
My mom should have gotten them decades ago. Finally at 80 she realized she needed them. She won’t wear them at home so if I call her on the phone (she doesn’t know how to text and will not try to learn) I have to shout. If we’re at a restaurant she wears them but she almost whispers and no one can hear anything she says. I know hearing aids can make your own voice seem louder than it is, but she did the whispery voice long before she got them.
Jules, have you seen the latest hearing test? I ask because I know people that are hard of hearing, yet they can hear lower tones and higher tones, it's hearing loss caused by their environment in their working years.
My granddad could not hear me when I spoke normal or raised my voice but, he could her me perfectly fine when I lowered my voice and deepened my tone.
Speak to the audiologist about where she is testing, they can explain if she can actually hear anything.
If she can't, maybe making her look directly at you and articulate your words and speak slower so she can lip read, we'd all be surprised how common this is with elderly people.
Try having her doctor explain that she needs hearing aides and seniors who are hard of hearing and refuse hearing aides are all but guaranteed dementia.
The idea about using a white board and writing messages for her is a solution for small questions like, 'Do you want lunch?' but it really isn't a solution for any real communication.
My father had hearing aids. They were very expensive but they worked so well for him and opened up a whole world of communication he was missing out on.
The right hearing aides can work wonders for a senior.
It is frustrating. My mother had profound hearing loss all her life and even with two hearing aids we all had to scream. In hindsight, I wish we all learned to sign. It would have been easier to communicate.
Only advice I can share is to talk to her while sitting directly in front of her in a well lit room. She might be able to read lips.
Have you tried using a White board or a pad of paper for your questions? I know it sounds cumbersome to do this but she might (or not) get the hint that she is not hearing you correctly and in order to communicate this is what you have to do. Also try this...I know it is frustrating but the more angry you get and screaming raises the pitch of your voice. So try: lowering the pitch of your voice. Talk a bit slower and enunciate each word. Stand in front of her so she can see your face. Many people lip read without even realizing they are doing so. And many language cues are gotten from your facial expressions. And bring your face level with her face. So if she is sitting you would sit and directly face her.
Try getting her attention first, like calling her name first then say something. Her thoughts may be a million miles away, so a pattern interrupt may get her attention without a lot of stress.
Has she been to an audiologist recently? She could have wax buildup making things worse. Also, if she hasn’t had hearing aides before, or it has been a long time since she tried them, she might be surprised at how much better they are. My mom had in-ear hearing aides (the ones made with a mold to put inside your ears) for as long as I can remember. They were old and apparently not that good because when I took her to my audiologist and she tried the new ones on, the ones that sit behind your ear with a little wire to a tiny rubber cone that goes inside your ear, she was like one of those baby-hears-mother’s-voice-for-first-time videos: eyes wide looking around saying, “I can HEAR you!” Needless to say, it improved our communication tremendously and she adapted to using a charger easily. It’s worth a try.
My MIL has long refused hearing aids. And I’ve long refused to raise my voice in conversation with her. She misses out on a lot, her loss for her refusal. Anything she really needs to hear, I write and show her. Don’t scream, tempting as it is, just write and limit your exposure
Hearing loss isolates. Also it makes a person more likely to develop dementia. Others will advise that hearing aids are more trouble than they are worth, but I don't think so. My husband is in late-stage dementia and has no problem with wearing them. They are very lightweight, have a stand on which they recharge every night, and have a tiny plastic wire that has a tiny plastic dome on it. The little dome rests inside the ear canal. They are programmed from a smartphone.
He had to go without them for a few months. We got replacements, and his hearing, attention, cooperation, social skills are wonderful now. In his memory care unit, he participates more. Everything has changed for the better since he again has hearing aids. Expensive, and we got them at Costco.
The biggest problems we've had with the hearing aids is that they can get misplaced, and he has tried to eat them. He hasn't complained about the flavor, though.
The best part was when mom would holler, why are you screaming at me?
There is no good answer because hearing aids are their own punishment and will cause you more aggravation than screaming. Get a dry erase board and write everything out. Its the easiest of all the bad choices.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
What finally worked for us: bone conduction headphones. They sit on the cheekbone and send sound through skull vibrations directly to the inner ear. Nothing goes inside the ear at all. No buzzing, no occlusion, no feedback. She wears them comfortably for hours — they're designed as sports headphones so they're lightweight.
For phone calls and TV, the headphones alone work great. For in-person conversations (family dinners, doctor visits), we pair them with a simple passthrough app on the phone — phone sits on the table, picks up room audio, streams it to the headphones. She actually follows conversations now instead of smiling and nodding.
Cost: $40-80 for a decent pair (Shokz OpenMove). Compare that to $3,000+ hearing aids she refused to wear.
Important caveats: this works best for conductive or mild-to-moderate hearing loss. It won't help everyone. And it's not a replacement for professional audiological care. But for a parent who flat-out refuses hearing aids, it might be worth trying — because the best hearing solution is the one they'll actually wear.
Worth asking their audiologist about bone conduction as an option.
With my mom's dementia, when she could no longer tolerate wearing hearing aids, I tried this device called a "Pocket Talker", in which the hard-of-hearing person wears headphones and a box with a microphone. It worked BUT because of her dementia, she couldn't understand why she had headphones on her head. She was constantly asking about them and removing them. I gave up on that device. It might work in some situations, but not mine.
Now, my recommendation would be for you to use a "voice amplifier". That way, you don't have to shout, and there's nothing your mother has to wear, fiddle with, or complain about.
Also, before you speak:
1. make sure you have her attention
2. look directly at her
3. speak slowly and enunciate your words clearly
4. use fewer words in your message - sometimes people with hearing difficulties can't mentally process a lot of words at once.
My mother wore hearing aids for most of her adult life. She was clinically deaf and the hearing aids managed to salvage what little hearing she had left. Communication was really hard. I hated when we'd have a family dinner and someone said something funny and she would ask what was so funny. It is not possible to communicate why something was funny. She missed a lot of nuance in groups.
Her deafness became more of an issue at the end of her life. I finally couldn't stand shouting anymore, especially in the nursing home where everyone can hear your business. I found using an iPad was very helpful when there was something I really needed her to know.
First of all know that most people with hearing aids hate them. Hard to find ones that work well. The new fangled ones require a smart phone to set them and isn't even doable for most seniors. I would go to Costco for the best deal on a simple aid.
Secondly, time for the sit down talk. That would be "Mom, I cannot continue to do in home care for you if it requires me to shriek my brains out. I simple can't go on with that. Either we work on hearing aids you will wear when awake and communicating with me, or you go into care. I truly am sorry, but I have reached the end of patience and am feeling frantic and anxious. I can't go on in this manner".
Then, guess what. It truly is either or. It cannot continue that you are in a continual stew of what comes down as unintentional abuse.
My mom should have gotten them decades ago. Finally at 80 she realized she needed them. She won’t wear them at home so if I call her on the phone (she doesn’t know how to text and will not try to learn) I have to shout. If we’re at a restaurant she wears them but she almost whispers and no one can hear anything she says. I know hearing aids can make your own voice seem louder than it is, but she did the whispery voice long before she got them.
My granddad could not hear me when I spoke normal or raised my voice but, he could her me perfectly fine when I lowered my voice and deepened my tone.
Speak to the audiologist about where she is testing, they can explain if she can actually hear anything.
If she can't, maybe making her look directly at you and articulate your words and speak slower so she can lip read, we'd all be surprised how common this is with elderly people.
The idea about using a white board and writing messages for her is a solution for small questions like, 'Do you want lunch?' but it really isn't a solution for any real communication.
My father had hearing aids. They were very expensive but they worked so well for him and opened up a whole world of communication he was missing out on.
The right hearing aides can work wonders for a senior.
Only advice I can share is to talk to her while sitting directly in front of her in a well lit room. She might be able to read lips.
I know it sounds cumbersome to do this but she might (or not) get the hint that she is not hearing you correctly and in order to communicate this is what you have to do.
Also try this...I know it is frustrating but the more angry you get and screaming raises the pitch of your voice.
So try:
lowering the pitch of your voice.
Talk a bit slower and enunciate each word.
Stand in front of her so she can see your face. Many people lip read without even realizing they are doing so. And many language cues are gotten from your facial expressions.
And bring your face level with her face. So if she is sitting you would sit and directly face her.
He had to go without them for a few months. We got replacements, and his hearing, attention, cooperation, social skills are wonderful now. In his memory care unit, he participates more. Everything has changed for the better since he again has hearing aids. Expensive, and we got them at Costco.
The biggest problems we've had with the hearing aids is that they can get misplaced, and he has tried to eat them. He hasn't complained about the flavor, though.
There is no good answer because hearing aids are their own punishment and will cause you more aggravation than screaming. Get a dry erase board and write everything out. Its the easiest of all the bad choices.