This forum has been life saving to me. And I've learned so much. Mostly to protect myself and my own child and husband from an awful situation with my parents. My dad is 84 with Parkinsons and dementia. My mom, who I've never had a remotely close bond to, is 81 and probably has dementia. Mostly, I've been her favorite target for whatever is wrong with her brain. I'm turning 48 this week. And I'm done. But out of respect to my dad, I still go visit them once or twice per week. They have a 5 day per week caregiver, something my mom only agreed to after my dad spent 90 days in hospitals and nursing homes. Even with the caregiver, she remains awful. You can't visit her without her talking about death and her aches and pains within 30 seconds. So when I visit, I don't stay long. Tuesday I stayed two hours though. But today, because I had my husband and kid with me (and I'd been with my pleasant 84 year old MIL overnight), I just wanted to drop in and say hi. I told my mom this as we were driving there. I said, "We're just dropping by to say hi." But within that 30 minutes, she managed to say to me, "The caregiver and I notice that when you come over, you are in and out." And I said, "Yes, because I'm trying to establish boundaries so I don't get upset." She has no idea what the word "boundaries" mean so we just kinda stared at each other. Then she said, "Well why come at all then?" And I said, "I don't understand. Should I stay 17 hours?" I left shortly thereafter because I was going to lose it. Now I really want to call her and explain why I I'm "in and out." I have a FT job. I have a kid. I'll leave out the part that I'm sick of her abuse, but I do want to say, "Hey. I heard what you said today and if my visits aren't enough, or they upset you, I don't have to come at all." Frankly, I don't go to see her. I'm going to see if my dad is basically kinda OK. Or is it not even worth explaining? I don't expect her to change but I also feel like I deserve to say what I need to say, after 47 years. I have a sister, btw, who never sees her but somehow remains the golden child. Screw this.
Keep yourself safe for the time you are exposed.
We are not made of steel, so yes, keep on with building your boundaries. They may include less visits, shorter visits, phone visits instead? Or always taking someone with you. (Hey I just wrote out MY tactics 😁)
I don't have toxic to deal with, but do seem to have cracks/ holes in my walls that stuff seeps through. (Just made or trained that way). I come home with what I call an 'emotional hangover'. Have taken on others feelings & must go for a run or a hot bath to shed them.
Your Dad has progressive health problems & must have high needs. Your Mom kind of does an 'emotional dump' on you as you appear in sight, right? People with unmet needs can do that. To be 'saved'. To gain attention? Or because she is depressed? I don't know.
Mom may well need much support. Maybe think of her 'woe is me' line as a rope. You don't have to catch it. It could in fact be dangerous to do so - pulling you under.
Instead, advise her where to seek help for herself.
Mom, sounds like things are quite tough for you. Have you talked to (insert: Doctor, Geriatrician, an Aged Care advise service, a therapist, a helpline) ?
Everytime Mom throws that rope at you, aiming around your neck DODGE it.
You can point her & her rope of woe to a professional for help instead.
And to be frank I couldn't agree more with her. Why are you stopping by briefly? Why can you not allow yourself a day off from her? Are your visits making her happier? I doubt it. Are they making you happier? Your husband? I doubt it.
I myself would just say, "Sorry to have made your day only a bit worse Mom. We need to leave now and I will see you soon. And Mom, in future, if my visits make you happy I may stay longer, but if they make you unhappy I will leave at once. Love you. Kiss kiss; bye bye."
Your Mom could do with a little training. I doubt it will work, but I doubt anything else will, either. So, for me it would be when she is negative it is a short visit. When she is positive it is a longer visit.
As to this thing of the loved sister being perfect? Often parents like your Mom play the game of the other child being the good one and you the bad one, and somehow manage to play it with both children.
It is a bit late to figure out your relationship with Mom and to hope for change. She is now losing what mind she had. Who can know? Perhaps she will change to sweet, but given the fact that dementia pulls the stops on inhibitions that keep us socially appropriate, I wouldn't hope for that.
I am so sorry, but move on with your life. Decrease your time with Mom. Like most "abused children" you are still hoping for that one day when she says "You are such a good daughter. You are a fine person and I am so proud of you. I love you." It's not likely to happen until you choose a new family of friends who value and love you, and spend your time and efforts on them.
It breaks my heart to see kids who are long long grown up still so desperate for the love that was withheld. My heart goes out to you and I wish nothing but the best for you. As to mom, were I a believer I would be put in mind of as she sows so shall she reap. Sadly that doesn't always happen.
When she'd complain about my brief visits (which were an hour or more while she was in Memory Care AL), I'd explain to her that I had a meeting to go to or dinner to cook or whatever. Trying to explain anything logically to an elder with dementia doesn't work anyway, never mind trying to get through to someone with THIS type of mentality even w/o dementia does not work. You give an inch and they take a mile. The message is always clear: you should be doing MORE. Why aren't you? Which eventually left ME with the attitude of 'why bother doing anything if nothing is every good enough anyway?' That is the unfortunate result of the attitude these women portray to us. And the consequences they bring about as a result.
Explain yourself to your mother or don't; either way, it won't matter in the long run (in my opinion). They have already formulated their own opinions anyway, so what they hear when we speak is BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, you know?
Wishing you the best of luck maintaining your boundaries and your composure with a difficult situation.
Having MCI (not progressive dementia) to my surprise she did try better to do just that!
I think the nurse's sharp words may have been for ME as well, looking back. Maybe to train us BOTH 😄
I still get 'Doom & Gloom' from time to time too. But I try to put a 2min time limit on it.
Yes it is tough/sad 😔
Do the best you can.
*Change topic*
Unfortunately, I think the 'doom & gloom' setting is a deep groove for many. Hard or impossible to shift out of 😩
Look into grey rocking where you don't engage. Don't let her get under your skin. SHe's not worth it.
However, you don’t need to be an open book and explain everything: she’ll use that knowledge against you.
I myself use strategies against my abusive mom - but if I explained to her how I do it, she would use it against me.
So I’d say: OP, explain to your mother what you feel like explaining. Get it off your chest. For your sake.
“I have a sister, btw, who never sees her but somehow remains the golden child.”
So common. So unfair.
“Mostly, I've been her favorite target for whatever is wrong with her brain.”
That’s what abusive people do: they blame everything on you. You’re innocent.
Instead just let her comments to in one ear and out the other. Ignore it. Do what you want as far as visiting.
Well that’s how the world is now. We are all so busy getting stuff done. You are so lucky you grew up in a simpler time.
Or some other such nonsense.
Decide what your goal is with Mom. If you want boundaries, including emotional ones then don’t engage when she throws a guilt trip at you. I know it’s not easy when they push your buttons but if you tell her off what will her next play be. My mothers would be the silent treatment, which is fine, but then you have to deal with that when you go see Dad.
1) Make a plan to see your Dad on his own. Perhaps difficult, but it might be possible.
2) Wear earplugs with your mother. The doctor has recommended them because you have a recurring ear infection issue. Then just talk yourself, don’t even try to listen.
3) Skip short visits, and decide in advance the length of time you will give to mother. Plan what you are going to say, don't go for a two-way exchange.
Is the plan to have a 24/7/365 caregiver until both of your parents are gone? If there is a 5-day caregiver, is there another one on the weekends?
Your mother has POA over your father, and you think your (uninvolved) sister has it over your mother? You also wrote that their house is awful...messy, dirty, cluttered, needs repairs, or what?
I wish you could find a way to just check on your dad periodically, and have your sister be the one to be concerned about your mother.