Is it normal to feel angry?
For the last 3 months I have been caring for my elderly father who is 89 years old. He has no health conditions and doesn't take any meds at all but he is constantly saying things like 'if I am alive next week' or 'If I make it until tomorrow. For the last couple of weeks all he does is get up/ get washed/ dressed and sit in his chair all day.
I can't get him to do anything - not even make a cup of tea. He can actually do things for himself but he is doing less and less. I know he is getting frailer but he won't do any kind of activity and consequently his legs are getting weaker and he is going downhill. He was doing chair exercises but every day he makes excuses and is reluctant to move at all.
I have started to feel very frustrated and today I lashed out at him as the only thing he does is feed his dog but he has even stopped doing that. Now I feel really sorry and I get guilty, but I am just worn out from it all.
Any ideas?
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Its hard caring for an elderly parent. Your feelings are completely understandable. Its hard seeing our parents like this because we wish so much things could be different. My dad was very stubborn. Towards the end, I just gave up on him. I let him be and after his passing, I felt this was horrible mistake.
Are you able to talk to his doctor? Arrange for him to join a senior's daycare? Or for him to get out into the community or to the mall? Just something to get him out of the house.
It could he is good and tired and just wants to stay home and watch TV. Its just so hard and I wish it was easier, but I feel this is one of life's hardest journeys to see our parents age and decline.
I don’t have any real advice, I just want to offer support. My mom is 93.. I live with her in her house and she does the exact same thing.
i get so frustrated because I feel she is so lucky to still have her health and mental facilities but she wants to just wither away away and die?
It ultimately falls to me to keep her going sometimes and I resent it so much! For her to want to give up and die when I’ve worked so hard to keep her alive?
Then sometimes I wonder how much more selfish can I get? Am I doing this for me or for her? Well, if she were in pain or had trouble breathing or some other medical problem I could understand better. It’s the not trying that gets me.
All i I can say to make you feel better is she goes in and out of behaving like this. She loses some strength every time she does this but she gets back on track depending on what she’s interested or how she feels about things at the time. I can’t keep things smooth around her. I wish I could, but I can’t control what the family is up to, or the news, or the weather. Being at home exposes her to life and that’s the good part of it for her, I’m certain of that.
I just have to share that lately, I see her sit in her chair and come up with things to get depressed about. She works herself into a good cry sometimes.
Thats hard to take but but at least she’s still moving around while she’s sad. It’s usually in response to me “yelling” at her. It’s true I have to yell all the time because she doesn’t wear her hearing aide. I need to watch my tone with her, I agree, one of my goals is to help her retain her dignity, and I need to keep mindful of that.
But its damned hard sometimes, that’s for sure.
You, my dear, will become unable to care for your father if he chooses to put himself into a vegetative state. You certainly cannot lift him up if/when he falls, so you'll have to call 911 each time. Once he's hospitalized, they may choose to only release him to a rehab facility if he is THAT immobilized. This is the future of HIS choice, so he needs to make some wise decisions. My mother is famous for saying things like, "Just throw me out in the street and let me rot" or "Just let me die in peace" or other ridiculously inappropriate remarks which only exacerbate an already tense situation. What they refuse to realize is we're trying to save them FROM themselves. It's sometimes a futile effort, isn't it?
You have my sympathy. Good luck
Mom thinks everyone except her has changed when she doesn't get her way. She fires her sitter at least once a week, and I have to play referee between them. At this point, she refuses to wear hearing aids, and denies that we all have to shout at her at the top of our lungs in order for her to hear us. I'm going deaf from my tv volume being on 80-100 whenever she wants to watch her shows. I have seasons dvr'd because she refuses to even consider watching my shows. And yes, I feel really sorry and guilty for feeling this way. So if it's not normal, then you and I (and I bet almost everyone on this forum) are not normal. But I think it is normal, and WE deserve our feelings too.
I am also dealing with my 36 year old daughter being diagnosed with medullary thyroid cancer and her upcoming thyroidectomy, but I can't tell mom because I don't want to stress her out.
Okay, the television. Went through that. Major headaches from it being too loud. Buy her headphones!
I love her but frustration and even anger is perfectly normal to feel.
i know exactly how you feel. Been there and done that and yes, I got angry too.
I live with my 93 year old mom and for several months this past year she wouldn’t even get out of bed. I had in home therapists here 3 different times and she’d be ok with them but decline afterward.
I finally got the family to take notice of it in the spring of this year when she tried to pull it again. and she ended up in the hospital severely constipated.
The family was all all upset with her after second day being in bed soaked with piss when they literally picked her up and took her to ER. She’d been doing it for weeks at a time and I couldn’t budge her. When I told them they said, “she’s just old, tut tut.” They never even came to see us.
When she went to ER, She hadn’t gone to the bathroom for ten days and it took six more days before she finally had a bm in hospital. She could have been plugged up for weeks before that. I gave her a stool softener twice a day and thought I had it covered.
I dont know if that was the problem the other 3 times or not but I was in a constant state of rage. Yes, she lost a lot of mobility from it all. She’s diabetic but otherwise is healthy except for aches and pains.
I cant abide by someone acting helpless when they’re doing NOTHING to help themselves.
They create so much extra work for us then sit and whine about what they can’t do. Then she cried that I was so mean to her or hollared, “just let me die!”
I used to spend my days going to her bed and stamping my foot about her getting up all day every day, and try as I might to be civil to her I had to avoid her to keep from shouting at her, while I lived in a state of rage for months.
I love her and I don’t mind helping her even as she gets frailer every day. But I won’t stand around and watch her just give up and die right in front of me.
I kept thinking to myself myself during all that, “she’s not even sick! She’s here in her own home being taken care of, the bills are paid, there’s food in the fridge, she could go out and smell the roses if she would. Wtf is wrong with her?! She is so lucky compared to some poor old folks!”
I feel your pain. When she had physical therapist come in, the doctor ordered it for strength building and fall prevention.it was covered by her Medicare insurance carrier. Maybe you can try that.
Good luck, charlotte
If he is like my mom, he will not go. I have offered to take mom to a senior center many times. Simply says that she can’t. I gave up on that idea.
Anyone that says they have not gotten mad at that person they are caring for is...lying.
These are all normal feelings
You feel anger, maybe anger is strong, frustration might be better, at the store clerk that rings up an item wrong, that decides to change the roll of paper just as you are next in line.
Why do we feel that we can not be angry at the person we are caring for? Is there some magic in having XXX condition that makes us think that it is wrong to have "normal" feelings?
The difference is you can not express the anger in a normal way. And on top of that most of the people we here are caring for do not know why we get angry.
What you have to do is change the way you think about what is going on.
If a person breaks a foot there is a cast and you know they can not use stairs, are limited in mobility, maybe can not do all the chores they were doing before.
But if the brain is broken there is no outward sign that there is a problem. so it is easy to forget that there are changes to what this person can and can not do.
While change is difficult for everyone it is much easier to change OUR thinking than to change the thinking of a person who has a broken brain.
So the anger is normal. You have to channel that anger, find a safe way to let off steam and vent the anger. There are a lot of ideas for taking care of the caregiver you just have to find one that works for you. Most important, do not feel guilty about your feelings.
side thoughts..
Your dad may also be depressed to a degree and that can have a profound effect on what he does or does not do.
And you are away from your home, friends...so the feelings you have are compounded. (you list 2 places New York as well as Turkey and your father in England so no matter where you are you are away from home and away from your personal support group.)
Example of my day
Get up get mom washed, dressed and then get her breakfast. If I want to go out I have to hire someone who is able to assist her in changing her depends and getting s snack until I get back. I have to pay $25 an hr. Mom wont gi e me pa and wants to stay home alone, she is on a wzlker and she is a fall risk. My nephew wa gives up his Sunday so I can go to church and stay out as long as I want. I am 72, good health and still want to be active. I am thinking about putting her out, forcing her to assistance living.
Any suggestions.
IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY. RECOGNIZING THAT IS THE FIRST IMPORTANT STEP IN LEARNING TO DEAL WITH YOUR ANGER. I WOULD ENCOURAGE YOU TO SPEAK WITH A COUNSELOR WHO CAN HELP YOU CHANNEL THE ANGER AND DEVELOP SOME STRATEGIES TO HELP HANDLE THE ANGER. YOU MIGHT ALSO TAKE HIM TO SEE A COUNSELOR TO SEE WHAT IS GOING ON.
HAS SOMETHING RECENTLY OCCURED LIKE LOSING A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIENDS? WAS HE GOING OUT SOMEWHERE AND GAVE UP ON THAT? IS THERE ANYTHING HE LIKED TO DO BUT NOW CAN'T?
YOU MIGHT ALSO CHECK WITH LOCAL DEPT. OF AGING TO SEE IF THEY HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS.
WHO PAYS HIS BILLS, BUYS NEW CLOTHES, DOES TAXES? YOU MIGHT EXPLORE MAKING SURE HE HAS WILL, POA, HEALTH CARE DIRECTIVES
YOU SAY HE HAS NO HEALTH ISSUES - I PRESUME THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN HIM TO A DOCTOR TO MAKE SURE OF THAT?
DO YOU HAVE OTHER FAMILY TO HELP YOU? I PRESUME THAT HE LIVES WITH YOU?
Don
Don't feel guilty. Let Dad know when you are upset and that he doesn't Need to be Difficult, That YOU are There because you Care.
Your father sound he is given up life, and ready to die soon. Be prepare for that. Did you ask him if he’s in pain Take him to his doctor, and let him be checked out. Maybe, he’s not telling you what’s wrong. Speak to his doctor for next step... Good luck, and hugs.
If he wants to stay in his home, they will organise support. Yes he will have to pay, up to the stated threshold; but he may be eligible for various benefits and allowances, and in any case the important thing is to get him on the right radar. How long has he been living in this bungalow, and how long has he been registered with the careline?
If it is felt he would do better in a more sheltered and better supported environment, there may be quite a wide range of options short of residential care or a nursing home as such. It depends on where he is, it can be a bit of a post code lottery.
But most of all, get to the bottom of his health. Has he been referred to a geriatrician? Or an older age psychiatrist? His despondency, going by remarks such as "if I'm still here next week," needs addressing. More to the point: what *changed*? He'd been living quite happily with his little dog in his little house until a few months ago: now he's filled with dread and anxiety and can barely get himself out of his chair. You must surely realise better than I do that this isn't about a hidden water leak.
Getting a GP to agree to a home visit requires more than an acceptance that "oh, he never likes coming to the surgery." Do you have full access to his medical history? If the file is really as empty as all that, do you have full confidence in his GP? - 'cos I wouldn't, I can tell you.
This isn't a private GP, is it? Just checking.
I think that what has changed is that his deteriorating mobility has led to him losing confidence and in this state he has gradually started to feel isolated and depressed. Having said that, I am not a doctor.
BUT--he's like dragging a horse to the water trough to get him to take care of himself. He has quite a few health issues and one will be the one that takes him-- (liver transplant--14 years in, with a 20-25 year life expectancy---tho he's healthy now, he does think about maybe only having 6+ more years has brought on anxiety and depression)
He had 2 heart attacks last summer. Brought on by never exercising and eating garbage. He was such a jerk as a patient. I literally went to wash my hair about 6 weeks after the 2nd HA and saw that my hair growing in was pure white. Just stress.
He won't socialize. He works, comes home, eats dinner and is in bed with his phone on to Facebook and the TV blaring so loud the walls shake. This is his plan for retirement. Sleep all day. Which he does, all weekend, every weekend. And I don't mean "napping" I mean, he does not get up from Friday at 8 pm until Monday morning.
We've been through SO MUCH. And he is never grateful or happy. He is a complete 180 of the man I married. Never touches me or shows any affection.
Trying so hard to not be angry. I have five WONDERFUL kids on whom I lean as little as possible for love and support. If nothing else came out of this marriage, these kids did and for that, I am grateful.
I did reach out to his psychiatrist whom he will see next week. I am hoping she will up his dose of antidepessants--but I don't have a lot of faith. I'm not sure she even knows he's married, that's how little he cares.
I realize a marriage is a very different dynamic than caring for your father. But the end result is the same. Living with someone who is just crabby and uninvolved is SO hard.
My therapist told me to create a "single woman's" life. I am doing so, slowly, finding things to do that aren't in the least tied to him. Here I am, 62 years old and married to a man who acts like a 90 yo. He's angry, crabby, wants to argue with everyone about politics....and wonders why nobody wants to do things with us.
Anger is a secondary emotion. We feel it when we are frustrated and exhausted and tired and burned out. Finding the true emotion is hard.
My DH suffered from anxiety and panic attacks MANY times. I cannot tell you how many ER runs we did, b/c he always thought he was having a HA. SO when he HAD the heart attack, I kind of blew him off. (MEN don't have anxiety)
I learned to grind up his Valium and put it in a pudding cup or something--wait 1/2 hour and he usually was asleep in that time. I have an anxiety disorder and so I KNOW panic attacks are awful--but they are treatable.
Try to get away, disengage from him as much as possible and try to not take his cranky mood personally. (I need to take my own advice on that).
Bless you---CG is so hard.
Six months ago your father had panic attacks. Why? What investigations have been done? Who has lead responsibility for his welfare when you are not in the country? Who is providing the regular carers? Is your father in sheltered housing, on his own in the community, or what?
The thing is: you quite naturally need to get home to your husband, but before you can do that you need to formulate a proper care plan for your father; but in order to do that you need a much clearer picture of what is going on with him. What options are you looking at?
The panic attacks were brought on by worry about a water leak in the house. He could hear it but didn't know what it was. I guess he got worked up about it and one day pressed his care line button. The neighbours were called and then paramedics and as a result the doctor prescribed Diazepam. I came over from Turkey as few days later and as he was still feeling bad and I called the doctor. Yes, it's difficult to get a doctor to call but when they look at Dad's medical records they can see that he never goes to the doctors so the Doc came round immediately.
After that incident the social services came and did an assessment and put a very basic care package in place. (3x 30 mins a week). Due to the financial assessment - although he doesn't have much of a pension, he would have to pay for any care package up to a threshold of £400 a month.
Dad lives on his own in a bungalow with his little dog. He is actually reluctant to pay but I think the time has come for us to discuss this.It is probably time to talk about getting a more substantial care package or putting this in place for 'respite' periods so that I can go back to Turkey.
The final option would be to consider him going into a care home; however, the way things are going with the NHS I am pretty sure that if social services did another assessment, they would not think he needed full time care. He can actually JUST manage to look after himself.
Yes, it is normal to feel frustrated and even lash out in anger. You are not really lashing out at him. You are really lashing out at the situation.
Having been there and now having a 20/20 vision because Mom and Dad are gone, I see these things that you might want to consider: 1) Tell him how you frustrated you feel when you see him like this. 2) Recognize his depression. Get some insight into depression in the elderly. 3) Find out if something is bothering him physically. 4) Get some advice from a mental health professional re: depression and care-giving. 5) Apologize and reconcile when you have a moment like the lashing out. You won't be sorry.
Hope something in there helps... Praying for you.
Do not serve him meals in his favorite chair. Make him get up and move to the table. Chair exercises are a poor substitute for standing and walking.
I wish I could find something he enjoys doing. I have asked him what he's like to do but I also understand that he thinks his life is coming to an end an doesn't see the point. As one other person said on here, by the time he's got out of bed, got washed and dressed, he is exhausted.
He would hate the idea of moving to a senior living facility as his home is his safe space.
And yes, the separation is part of my frustration.
I understand that Dad feels that I should be there for him but I also know he's frustrated that he cannot do things for himself. This is a very difficult thing for him (and all of us) to face.
Yes, boundaries! It is almost impossible to set boundaries when I am living in 'his' space 24/7 but carving out time for myself so that I don't go downhill is also important. Helping myself to help him.
However, it's time you let go of trying to direct what he does or doesn't do.
I'm going to share from the other side.
He may not have health issues, from what you can SEE. Yet the body is very achy as you age. Joint pain and general stiffness is very uncomfortable!
And maybe he is giving you a message that he won't be around much longer because he's being intuitive. Maybe talk to him about it why he says that. He may reveal something to you that you don't know. Be curious and supportive.
You cannot make anyone do anything. At some point, elders realize that they are going to die, and verbalizing it is one way of accepting it and not being fearful. This is the last thing that he has power over. Let him do it his way.
Maybe hire someone to help you if you're feeling burned out.
And when you feel anger or frustration with, leave the room, walk it off...and let it go! Change your focus on what you need to do for yourself to stay in balance while he's going through what he's going through.
All the best to you and dad.
And I agree about the anger - I do need to walk it off and let it go as it's starting to impact my health.
I am trying to maintain my balance but as I am sure you know it's not easy.
One thing that I am finding difficult is it is difficult not to absorb his energy.
I can feel it dragging me down. I actually need to be boosting my own energy so I can help him but the 24/7 situation is depleting me.
Diazepam does not get handed out freely any more. There must be some rationale behind it, and it certainly isn't obvious to me - it would, for example, not normally be px'ed to someone seeking help with low mood or depression. Did your father report difficulty sleeping or something like that?
What happened three months ago that made you take over as his primary carer? Was there a bereavement, a move, anything in particular?
Recently the doc came again as he had breathing problems but I actually think this is caused by anxiety.
I have always visited for a couple of months a year but in the last year I had to stay longer and this is the longest I have been here.
I am really missing my husband and home but I can't leave him on his own.
He has a carer who comes in three times a week which was sufficient but now I don't think he'd be able to manage on his own. I am an only child and he seems to expect me to stay with him.