He’s always been mean and verbally abusive, but worse now when people don’t “jump” when he calls. He thinks everyone is to put their life on hold for him. Thinks he can cuss everyone out then act like it never happened. When we were all sick with Covid he said,” What’s gonna happen to me?” He was more capable at the time to do for himself but wouldn’t bc he is very lazy. Now his body is more feeble but he’s still mean. He calls all the time and gets irate if we don’t answer and jump to what he wants. It will almost feel like a relief and I feel guilty for feeling that way!
If dad can still make his own decisions , back off . Don’t jump so fast. Tell him he needs to hire help or go to assisted living ( using his own money from savings or the sale of his home ). The more you keep doing for him , he will never agree to having someone else help him at home or to go to a facility .
I was told by a social worker “ stop helping , let Mom fail “ to make her see that she needs to let someone else help . If we run all the time we prop up a false independence .
Keep venting . There are also threads in the discussions section where you can vent. There is the “ whine “ thread and also one about dysfunctional family , etc. Browse other threads. You will see that what you feel is common when you are at wits end . (((Hugs)))
Many others here have similar thoughts. It’s usually when the person they look after is suffering a lot (pain, cancer, etc), the person is very selfish/difficult/demented/mentally ill, or the caregiver’s health, finances, or marriage is breaking down.
-Dad demands, you do. It makes him feel good, in charge, powerful. And it’s free. Why would he change?
-Dad demands, you don’t do. He blows a fuse, and waits till you give in. It makes him feel powerful and justified in getting angry. And it’s still free.
-Dad demands, you don’t do and you don’t give in. Dad has to think of how to get his ‘needs’ (not ‘wants’) met. Probably by paying.
Don’t sulk or get angry yourself. Just stop 'doing'! Let him get as irate as he wants. Ignore the mock heart attack. Don't let his fuss bother you.
I've been at this for five years now and this year was the worst year of my life ever. It would be a merciful relief to have this burden lifted and I cannot wait for that to happen.
It's YOU that's going to have to take the necessary steps to change this dysfunctional situation/relationship, and you can start by saying NO to your dad on a consistent basis and let him figure out what HE'S going to have to do to make things better for himself.
Tell him that you'll no longer be at his beck and call and that you're happy to help him find some in home help or an assisted living facility for him to move to, all on his dime of course, but other than that you're taking your life back.
Best wishes in doing just that.
I don’t think there is a single caregiver that hasn’t felt like you do at some point in time. They may not admit it outright because they don’t want to be judged, but they are thinking it nevertheless.
It’s hard being a caregiver! When someone has gone through this for a long time, of course, they are yearning to have their lives back without the headache of being a caregiver.
Even in great relationships, it is still difficult to be a caregiver. In stressful situations, it’s a million times harder.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult time in your life.
"He’s always been mean and verbally abusive, but worse now when people don’t “jump” when he calls."
And then you ask us:
"Is it normal to wish he would just go".
You tell us that he does have cognition.
So, I have a good idea.
How about YOU just go.
I mean this. How about you say "Dad, I just can't really do much for you without risking my own mental health, so I have made a tough decision. I won't be seeing you much. I have left you some numbers you should reach out to in emergency, and I truly wish you the best, but being around you isn't good for me, so I am going to stop."
It is a dreadful thing to wish a parent dead. It is something that makes us question our morals. It is something that we cannot help having entrance into our heads when we are pushed beyond what we can bear in terms of grief and helplessness. We are grownups. We owe it to ourselves to take care of ourselves and to live good decent lives with good decent people IN our lives who treasure and value us, who we can lean on and who can lean on us in turn.
Please take care of YOURSELF.
No, your not wrong to feel this way. I loved my Dad but he was not an easy man to live with. My Mom waited on him hand and foot. I am sure as he aged he would have gotten worse and with his health problems Dementia probably would have set in. I told my brothers if Mom went before him, I would not be physically caring for him. He would be placed.
I was forever changed by his words. When my mother finally passed at 95, with advanced dementia and CHF, I felt happy and relieved both at the same time. She was FINALLY happy after a lifetime of constant complaining and sniping at me, and I was FINALLY free of the stomach aches she'd caused me for 64 years.