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From your profile: I am caring for my mother Bonnie, who is 72 years old, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia, arthritis, broken hip, incontinence, mobility problems, osteoporosis, and sleep disorder.
About Me I'm a mother of 5 daughters ranging from 33 to 14. My 14 year old is with me every other week. I live at my parents house and have been helping take care of my mom for about 5 years now. She started getting dementia in 2020. She took a fall and is now bed ridden and her dementia has gotten worse. So very much worse. I am losing this battle.
Welcome to the forum, first of all.
You sound totally burned out, and I don't blame you. Trying to take care of a bedridden elder with dementia, all alone, if that's what you're doing, is a dreadful task. Plus, you're 5 years in, so burn out and/or compassion fatigue are very real conditions to be suffering from. We ALL lose the battle when trying to deal with dementia, which is a family disease. It only gets worse as their needs increase, and we're out of our realm trying to deal with ALL of it.
Is your 14 y/o daughter who's with you every other week also subjected to your mother 'ranting on' all the time? If so, that's not the best environment for an impressionable teenager, and something else to consider when thinking about placement for your mother.
I had my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living, and then Memory Care for the last 3 years of her life when her dementia got bad. There was no way on earth I could have been able to handle her at home, especially if she were bedridden. She was wheelchair bound and dead weight, so I wouldn't have been able to get her on/off the toilet, or change her soiled briefs, nor would I have wanted to, frankly.
Of course it's 'ok to let your mother rant on, and to go outside and breathe, and to do housework.' The bigger question to ask yourself, however, is ...........how much longer you can go on like this? Do you have paid help coming into the house daily to give you respite? If not, why not? When do YOU get a break from all this?
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet ( a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Get mom's doctor involved if she's 'ranting' for hours on end; Ativan helped my mother A LOT as her dementia progressed and her agitation increased. The Sundowning got very bad in the afternoons, and that's when it got hard to calm her down, and when she insisted on going home to see her parents (who were deceased). My mother lived with dementia for years before passing away at 95. I don't know what type of dementia your mother has, but Alzheimer's can last for many, many years.
Wishing you the best of luck finding help for yourself & your mom as you try to manage this situation.
Yes, its OK to walk away. But as Lealonnie suggested, talk to her doctor about something to calm her. Its not good for your Mom to be like this.
I too suggest you start thinking of having her placed. Her care is only going to get harder. If she has enough money to pay privately in a NH than use it. When her assets are gone, apply for Medicaid. Her house will be an exempt asset. If you have cared for Mom for 2 yrs or more in her home, then u may qualify for a Caregiver exemption meaning you can stay in the home. You may want to consult with a lawyer on what the Medicaid rules are in your State.
Thank you for replying, Eri. So, the rants are new, and your mother recently fractured her coccyx and requires support for all mobilising, yes?
That's actually good! - because it gives you two lines of enquiry.
1. If she's taking pain relief medication, report her rants and broken nights to whoever prescribed it and see if anything can be done to adjust that.
2. If she's still in a lot of pain, and finds it hard to get into a comfortable position, again report it to her doctor but also ask an occupational therapist to come and assess her (if this hasn't already been done).
Do the rants have any particular theme(s)? Are they all related to how miserable she is or are they more random?
Two further points to be aware of and take advice if, again, you haven't already: 1. Skin integrity. Are you and your father confident about checking her pressure points? This relates back to the advantages of having an OT involved - they are the experts on the right types of cushion, mattress and mobility aids to be using. 2. Your and your father's own wellbeing, when you're helping her mobilise, as well as her and your safety - have you been offered any guidance on safe transfers?
It is one of the best ways to Keep your cool Remain somewhat sane when caring for someone Walking out of the room, out of the house (as long as it is safe to do so) is far better than losing your temper and saying or doing something that you would regret later. Head phones, ear plugs, earbuds, all work as well.
I think it's ok to do. My mother struggles with chronic pain and depression and sometimes I just need a break. When she is in pain, she's just in a crap mood. Today, for example, I come home bearing gifts that I got for her bday tomorrow and she takes them all with a very minimal response and an 'I don't know if that will work'. Then I pull up an online that store that last week she wanted to get stuff from and was excited about, they were having a sale this week so we waited until today to look and order stuff. She starts looking and literally has something negative to say about every item we look at. There is no way to win at this, just walk away for a while and put her problems back on her to figure out. You can't save someone from themself.
Taking breaks when your presence is doing nothing to comfort or soothe your mother will enable you to recharge your batteries, then come back refreshed to check again that she is not in pain, not frightened, not getting dehydrated or undernourished, and made as comfortable as it is possible for her to be in the circumstances.
But anything new or different needs reporting for medical attention. Are the rants anything new?
Yes they are new, she took a major fall a month and a half ago and since being back home from the hospital it is bad bad. She is completely dependant on my dad and I. She is bedridden because she fractured her tailbone . We change her, feed her, and move her from the bed to her lift chair or out into the living room etc, bathe her etc. It is like taking care of a baby only this baby has a very very loud voice. All day long now and intermittently through the night.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I am caring for my mother Bonnie, who is 72 years old, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia, arthritis, broken hip, incontinence, mobility problems, osteoporosis, and sleep disorder.
About Me
I'm a mother of 5 daughters ranging from 33 to 14. My 14 year old is with me every other week. I live at my parents house and have been helping take care of my mom for about 5 years now. She started getting dementia in 2020. She took a fall and is now bed ridden and her dementia has gotten worse. So very much worse. I am losing this battle.
Welcome to the forum, first of all.
You sound totally burned out, and I don't blame you. Trying to take care of a bedridden elder with dementia, all alone, if that's what you're doing, is a dreadful task. Plus, you're 5 years in, so burn out and/or compassion fatigue are very real conditions to be suffering from. We ALL lose the battle when trying to deal with dementia, which is a family disease. It only gets worse as their needs increase, and we're out of our realm trying to deal with ALL of it.
Is your 14 y/o daughter who's with you every other week also subjected to your mother 'ranting on' all the time? If so, that's not the best environment for an impressionable teenager, and something else to consider when thinking about placement for your mother.
I had my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living, and then Memory Care for the last 3 years of her life when her dementia got bad. There was no way on earth I could have been able to handle her at home, especially if she were bedridden. She was wheelchair bound and dead weight, so I wouldn't have been able to get her on/off the toilet, or change her soiled briefs, nor would I have wanted to, frankly.
Of course it's 'ok to let your mother rant on, and to go outside and breathe, and to do housework.' The bigger question to ask yourself, however, is ...........how much longer you can go on like this? Do you have paid help coming into the house daily to give you respite? If not, why not? When do YOU get a break from all this?
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet ( a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Get mom's doctor involved if she's 'ranting' for hours on end; Ativan helped my mother A LOT as her dementia progressed and her agitation increased. The Sundowning got very bad in the afternoons, and that's when it got hard to calm her down, and when she insisted on going home to see her parents (who were deceased). My mother lived with dementia for years before passing away at 95. I don't know what type of dementia your mother has, but Alzheimer's can last for many, many years.
Wishing you the best of luck finding help for yourself & your mom as you try to manage this situation.
I too suggest you start thinking of having her placed. Her care is only going to get harder. If she has enough money to pay privately in a NH than use it. When her assets are gone, apply for Medicaid. Her house will be an exempt asset. If you have cared for Mom for 2 yrs or more in her home, then u may qualify for a Caregiver exemption meaning you can stay in the home. You may want to consult with a lawyer on what the Medicaid rules are in your State.
That's actually good! - because it gives you two lines of enquiry.
1. If she's taking pain relief medication, report her rants and broken nights to whoever prescribed it and see if anything can be done to adjust that.
2. If she's still in a lot of pain, and finds it hard to get into a comfortable position, again report it to her doctor but also ask an occupational therapist to come and assess her (if this hasn't already been done).
Do the rants have any particular theme(s)? Are they all related to how miserable she is or are they more random?
Two further points to be aware of and take advice if, again, you haven't already:
1. Skin integrity. Are you and your father confident about checking her pressure points? This relates back to the advantages of having an OT involved - they are the experts on the right types of cushion, mattress and mobility aids to be using.
2. Your and your father's own wellbeing, when you're helping her mobilise, as well as her and your safety - have you been offered any guidance on safe transfers?
Keep your cool
Remain somewhat sane when caring for someone
Walking out of the room, out of the house (as long as it is safe to do so) is far better than losing your temper and saying or doing something that you would regret later.
Head phones, ear plugs, earbuds, all work as well.
You have the right to choose to listen - or not.
"You can speak your mind, but not on my time.."
My Life, Billy Joel
In saying that, what are Mother's rant themes? Agree with CM, does pain, fear or other needs need to be addressed/reviewed?
Or is this more.. I hate the world & everyone in it coz I am (insert) old, tired, cranky, sore, frustrated, bored?
Taking breaks when your presence is doing nothing to comfort or soothe your mother will enable you to recharge your batteries, then come back refreshed to check again that she is not in pain, not frightened, not getting dehydrated or undernourished, and made as comfortable as it is possible for her to be in the circumstances.
But anything new or different needs reporting for medical attention. Are the rants anything new?