My problems are my husband and I want to move next year. We’re retiring and we’re moving where my daughter lives near the ocean. I will help with her but she needs to move to the same city but cost of living is a little higher. Living in the same house would make us both crazy so she needs a house or an apartment. She gets extremely stressed over little things so this will be major. What if she says no? If she says yes, she wants exactly what she wants when she wants it no matter how unreasonable it is. Example: building an 800 sq ft house in my yard. She’s incredibly stubborn and no patience at all and often tells me what I think and how I feel regardless of what I say. I feel awful but it’s not a good idea to live in the same house and that’s not her preference but she thinks if she pays for it, she can add to my house or build one and I don’t want to be stuck with either and seriously doubt zoning would allow it. As she ages, she’s become rather critical, has absolutely no patience, everything has to be done that minute, gets very anxious over the simplest of things, she won’t listen to advice much at all, rarely goes to doctor and is the most stubborn person in the entire world! Is this common? She doesn’t have dementia. I just can’t deal with it every day.
I can’t imagine telling her she can’t live with me either and what if the only other option is to stay where I’m at. Do I give up what we want to stay here with her? She has no one here except my brother and she’d never let him do as much as me and it’s always been me. He wouldn’t want to either. I Hate having negative thoughts about her!! I love her but she is so difficult at times. I certainly don’t want her to die but I can’t help but think if she doesn’t have a lot longer maybe we should stay until that happens because it would be so much easier to move without moving her too. But I feel like I’m wishing that and I’m not and I have no way of knowing it’s just the fact that it would be easier without having to find a home for her and sell hers here as well as for us. I could go on and on. I could never just leave her though!
The elderly parents got tired of moving and decided to stay here.
PS...I felt in fine health and recently (end of Sept) suffered a aortic dissection. It can arise from various contributing factors including high blood pressure. So do not feel selfish looking out for your own well-being. Good luck with it all.
after 20 years of caring for my parents , I have come to realize , a parent is not out responsibility.
It sounds like you are making plans for your life which you have a right to do . And i am not hearing you want to live with mom.
does your mom want to move ?
Independent or assistive living may be a better option .
my parents moved with us 20 years ago and they never adjusted. I came to realize , my mom was pessimistic and controlling . It put a strain on my relationship with my husband and deeply affected all aspects of my life .
Despite my mom being unhappy , they had no one else to go and took it out on my family for being the one to try and help them .
They become my soul responsibility.
Recently ,My mom past and I have to care for my dad now . My siblings have not called or been around in 11 months .
I would suggest , you speak to your mom about what are her plans when you move? And let her know , you are moving and she needs to make plans .
It is a difficult decision. You may want to work with a Sw or counselor to assist you.
My dad’s OT and Sw through Pallative care have helped me figuring out my dad’s needs and moving forward .
You didn't mention how far away the daughter lives from where you are now, but if it isn't very far, then it's obvious you could visit your mother more frequently if she doesn't move.
It occurs to me that people used to move from one continent to another to improve their lives, usually knowing they wouldn't see their parents for a long time if ever again. Were they being "selfish" by doing so?
Even in the Bible is the comment from Jesus that goes "let the dead bury the dead" although the circumstances were obviously different.
And Jesus accepted help from others.
He fell with His heavy cross three times. Others
Then discuss that you think they would both be happier in your own homes.
She could move into her own Apartment for Seniors or get a small home of her own.
One year notice will give you plenty of time to find out how much your mom can sell her home for and how much it would cost to buy another one.
She'll be able to know if she'd end up in another home or an apartment.
Tho you might be able to find a home with an In Laws apartment or room already built on but also if you wanted, most places allow you to build on a room or even an In Laws area that has it's own bath and kitchen, with an entrance to come and go without being from the main house.
Juse depends on where you're moving to.
Start the discussion now and let your mom know exactly what her options are do she can decide rather she wants to move or stay in her home.
Or, you make tge move first and let her come visit and check things out as to what is available the following year after you move.
You've done your time. Move to be near your daughter. Let your brothers step up and figure out what to do with your mother.
She could remain close to where your brother is but he would not have to do actual caregiving duties. He might have to take her to a doctors appointment (there are Geriatric Care Managers that will do this sort of thing as well)
You should not put your life on hold or dictate your house choice because your mom does not want to move or if she demands a Casita at your new house.
Sit down, tell her what you want. Tell her what you expect from her if she decides to move.
You could even suggest that you find a place that you and your husband want. You move first and when you are settled you will move her. While you are in that process she should stay in Assisted Living. She may find she likes community living and at that point she can stay where she is or you can look for Assisted Living in your new location.
Adults get to live their own lives. This means they no longer take direction from a parent. So many people on this board have made bad life choices because they were trying to please a parent instead of living their own lives. This does not mean abandoning a parent. If she wants to move near you of course you will assist in finding a place for her (that is not under your roof).
My very best prayers go out to all those - mainly daughters - that are caring for Moms. We need all the strength that we can muster and all the support from others. Until you’ve walked in my shoes, you have no idea what this journey is like.
Let mom know that she is more than welcome to come along but that she will need to stay in an apartment or elsewhere close to you all. Explain to her you will remain helping her as you always have.
Close the deal. No if and or but.
If mom wants to be with you, she will comply.
I am the only girl. I was expected to do it all. My dad and brothers were spoiled by mom. She never spoiled me but I consider that a favor to me because I learned to be independent and a hard worker.
My mom is very old fashioned and a bit of a perfectionist. She wanted everything her way instead of compromising or respecting my wishes.
I did everything for mom. She lived with me. It nearly destroyed my relationship with her.
Long story short, I burned out. Now she is under hospice care at my brother’s home.
Please do not repeat my mistake. I sacrificed my entire life for my mom. I regret it.
There were extenuating circumstances for me and in the beginning it wasn’t too bad but things change.
I didn’t fully understand certain issues that I would be facing with mom.
I honestly don’t think anyone is fully prepared when they assume responsibility for a parent living in their home.
I urge you to go live wherever you wish. Please don’t feel guilty about living your life the way you desire.
I feel that you are being very kind to invite her to go along with you with certain provisions such as separate living quarters which is smart!
She can accept this offer or decline. It’s her decision and you will have to abide by it.
Wishing you all the best in your move to be near your daughter. Enjoy being near the ocean!
So, you did what you were purposed to do. I’m hoping you can do all you want to do going forward knowing you took care of your Mom, and never feel guilty about not caring for her. You did the right thing. Being selfless and putting others before yourself is always a good thing. Only those extraordinary people can do that.
To those out there who do not want to take care of Mom or want to move away and leave her alone, I say rethink it... what goes around comes around.
I thought she would have to move if you did... until I got to the bit about your brother living in the same city where she is now. So she *would* have family nearby. If she doesn't want to leave her familiar places, she does have the option to stay.
Then there's the bit on your profile about how fond your mother is of your daughter, the same one you're moving to be near? So perhaps she would prefer the option to move to that area.
If the latter is so, then what you need to do is research continuing care facilities there, and maybe ask your daughter to ask around locally. Your mother's 90, I think you mention, and if she doesn't need full support now she soon will. Having a team to help her and everything ready for her on arrival would make the move much less difficult for her.
But the key thing is: you and your husband make your decision. Your mother makes her decision.
You can help her by research and project management, but she must choose from those options which are in fact available. Not, e.g., the fantasy option that she says jump and you build an extension on your new house!
A social worker told me that.
🏖️🦈🍹
Don't let mom rule over your happiness. You will most certainly live to regret that. You should go ahead with your plans to move, and let the rest of the chips, fall where they may. Best wishes.