My father refuses to wash his hands after the toilet and he proceeds to go in the kitchen and prepare food! My husband is disgusted with him (and so am I honestly) but he thinks I’m just being a cleaning fanatic. We also leave our shoes at the door to keep the house cleaner but he doesn’t care. I need help with this stubborn man!
I followed the family rules growing up.
Now, it is my Family Rules. Please follow accordingly for the respect I gave you in your home, now it's your turn to respect my rules in my home, else kitchen privileges will be null n void, and you will be grounded if you do not take your feet off the door! oops that's what I say to my lil neighbor when she cones over... she always laughs when I tell her to put her feet on when we go walking..or take them off at the door..
YOU STUBBORN OLD GOAT!!
Please just cooperate. It really isn't that hard to do.. or are you just upset that now you are living in MY HOUSE? AND My House Has Rules Too, Just Like You Did when you raised me...
Payback time... ya, I know we can't say that...
Thank you for your reply! I appreciate everyone’s input!
2) Perhaps reconsider the handwash. In reality it isn’t that important unless he wipes feces.
3) Say that everyone (including you) washes their hands before they go into the kitchen and prepare food. That’s my rule, and it copes with all problems. Set up soap and a handtowel by the sink.
4) Ask him how long he was expecting to stay with you, dependent on him following your rules.
But to me it sounds like your father may have some kind of dementia and he's just forgetting what he needs to do here.
People often think their loved one is just being "stubborn" when in fact they've forgotten what should and shouldn't be done.
So if you want to have your father wash his hands after he uses the bathroom(which yes he definitely should)then either you or your husband will have to go in the bathroom after he pees or poops and help him wash his hands or at least stand there until he does.
And when he comes in from being outside you'll have to be there to assist him in taking his shoes off.
And of course if all of that is just too much for you it may be time to look into having him placed in an assisted living facility or memory care depending how bad his dementia is where he'll be around folks his own age and he will be looked after properly and where they won't care if he washes his hands or takes off his shoes.
The hand-washing will be trickier. I wonder if he'd wear food prep gloves instead? I use them all the time in the kitchen otherwise my hands would always be gettings wet. But if your Dad has arthritis in his hands this plan is less likely to work.
Was your Dad always this dismissive and disrespectful? If not you may need to consider that he is developing cognitive impairment, which doesn't all happen at once and may take years before you see it clearly on a regular basis. It usually starts out as an elder being "extremely stubborn". Nope, this is the beginnings of dementia. Hopefully he has all his legal protections in place (PoA, Advance Healthcare Directive, Will). If not, I strongly suggest you take him to an elder law attorney who will carefully explain it to him. If he lives with you but you are not his Durable PoA, I would seriously reconsider the living arrangement.
It's not being a cleaning fanatic to take your shoes off when you come in. We do here and I insist on it. We have slippers or 'house shoes' that never go outside and that's what we put on. As for the hand-washing. Absolutely he has to wash his hands after the bathroom. That's disgusting. Anything he touches will be contaminated. It may be a better idea if he was moved into a senior community with people his own age or to a residential care facility that can meet his needs.
If there is no Dementia, tell him that him living with you means he has to follow some rules. If he can't, then he needs to find a place of his own. Your house, your rules.
In the kitchen, the rule should be Everyone washes their hands before handling food. You could even put a sign up as a reminder.
Having a place to sit down near the entry door, and comfortable indoor slippers are a must if you are insisting people remove their shoes in your house.
Everyone else here has good suggestions. If you can not tolerate living with his behaviors in your home, then perhaps he should live elsewhere.