My father refuses to wash his hands after the toilet and he proceeds to go in the kitchen and prepare food! My husband is disgusted with him (and so am I honestly) but he thinks I’m just being a cleaning fanatic. We also leave our shoes at the door to keep the house cleaner but he doesn’t care. I need help with this stubborn man!
I followed the family rules growing up.
Now, it is my Family Rules. Please follow accordingly for the respect I gave you in your home, now it's your turn to respect my rules in my home, else kitchen privileges will be null n void, and you will be grounded if you do not take your feet off the door! oops that's what I say to my lil neighbor when she cones over... she always laughs when I tell her to put her feet on when we go walking..or take them off at the door..
YOU STUBBORN OLD GOAT!!
Please just cooperate. It really isn't that hard to do.. or are you just upset that now you are living in MY HOUSE? AND My House Has Rules Too, Just Like You Did when you raised me...
Payback time... ya, I know we can't say that...
Thank you for your reply! I appreciate everyone’s input!
2) Perhaps reconsider the handwash. In reality it isn’t that important unless he wipes feces.
3) Say that everyone (including you) washes their hands before they go into the kitchen and prepare food. That’s my rule, and it copes with all problems. Set up soap and a handtowel by the sink.
4) Ask him how long he was expecting to stay with you, dependent on him following your rules.
But to me it sounds like your father may have some kind of dementia and he's just forgetting what he needs to do here.
People often think their loved one is just being "stubborn" when in fact they've forgotten what should and shouldn't be done.
So if you want to have your father wash his hands after he uses the bathroom(which yes he definitely should)then either you or your husband will have to go in the bathroom after he pees or poops and help him wash his hands or at least stand there until he does.
And when he comes in from being outside you'll have to be there to assist him in taking his shoes off.
And of course if all of that is just too much for you it may be time to look into having him placed in an assisted living facility or memory care depending how bad his dementia is where he'll be around folks his own age and he will be looked after properly and where they won't care if he washes his hands or takes off his shoes.
The hand-washing will be trickier. I wonder if he'd wear food prep gloves instead? I use them all the time in the kitchen otherwise my hands would always be gettings wet. But if your Dad has arthritis in his hands this plan is less likely to work.
Was your Dad always this dismissive and disrespectful? If not you may need to consider that he is developing cognitive impairment, which doesn't all happen at once and may take years before you see it clearly on a regular basis. It usually starts out as an elder being "extremely stubborn". Nope, this is the beginnings of dementia. Hopefully he has all his legal protections in place (PoA, Advance Healthcare Directive, Will). If not, I strongly suggest you take him to an elder law attorney who will carefully explain it to him. If he lives with you but you are not his Durable PoA, I would seriously reconsider the living arrangement.
It's not being a cleaning fanatic to take your shoes off when you come in. We do here and I insist on it. We have slippers or 'house shoes' that never go outside and that's what we put on. As for the hand-washing. Absolutely he has to wash his hands after the bathroom. That's disgusting. Anything he touches will be contaminated. It may be a better idea if he was moved into a senior community with people his own age or to a residential care facility that can meet his needs.
If there is no Dementia, tell him that him living with you means he has to follow some rules. If he can't, then he needs to find a place of his own. Your house, your rules.
In the kitchen, the rule should be Everyone washes their hands before handling food. You could even put a sign up as a reminder.
Having a place to sit down near the entry door, and comfortable indoor slippers are a must if you are insisting people remove their shoes in your house.
Everyone else here has good suggestions. If you can not tolerate living with his behaviors in your home, then perhaps he should live elsewhere.
Consider cheap paper shoe covers. He can keep his shoes on and you don't have dirt tracked into your home. Giving him a choice - slippers or shoe covers - might ease the stubbornness.
Handwashing is crucial to his and your health. I do know a person I swam with who lost her Mom because she constantly was sick from NOT WASHING HER HANDS. She was quite old and not in good health, but geez, that is gross and not safe for anyone living in or visiting the home.
I am going to take the easy way first.
If you do not want shoes in your house then provide him with a pair of slippers with a good sole that he can wear in the house. Or a pair of sneakers that are only worn in your house. I have to say that many older people can not easily walk around barefooted. There are foot problems that make this impossible and in some cases painful.
Now... handwashing.
If you know he has not washed his hands you can do a few things.
Do not allow him to help with food preparation in your house.
(and if this is the case I would not eat at his house)
If you permit it he can wash his hands at your kitchen sink if you do want to let him handle food.
Not ideal but you could also tell him that he needs to use a hand sanitizer if you wish.
Again.. Your house your rules. And if dad is living with you all the more reason to enforce your rules.
2-Get your legal house in order asap (POA, medical directives, etc).
3-But perhaps most important, take stock in your own mental health, and that of your husband. This living arrangement has already caused stress. How will your marriage fare over time? This arrangement has a long term potential, if you allow it to. You may want to consult with a therapist to help you put things into perspective. Just things to consider.
Best of luck
However, if your father had dementia, memory care facility placement might be a better option.
I like the idea of covering his shoes with those paper shoe covers. I always clean my carpets and floors, and anybody coming in seems to get them dirty instantly! My next door neighbor has rows of shoes on her front porch. She makes hubby and kids take their shoes off. My shoes are too nice to leave outside all night.
I get the "fall risk" and "cleanliness" situation, so shoe covers would be cheaper and easier. You can get them cheap on Amazon. I'm 72 and need somewhere to sit to put on shoes. Try a basket with shoe covers and a simple chair by the door to sit and do his shoes.
Get a big antibacterial soap pump for each bathroom and by the kitchen sink. Amazon has a great selection of foaming soap pumps, you use half soap and water, and the pump squirts it out like shaving cream foam. I love mine!
My Dad was a Colonel and barked orders at his kids constantly. Good Luck!
Has he been tested for dementia?
It 'isn't too much to ask' although that won't do any good except exacerbate the situation and frustrate everyone. And, he'll dig his heels in harder and deeper in these behaviors.
Educate yourself in what happens to a person's brain as they get older and learn what dementia is and some of the behaviors that may be exhibited.
I question if the behavior is due to being 'stubborn' (I doubt it although I don't know enough to question if he has a narcissistic personality disorder, along with brain dysfunction). Or could be as 'simple' as you do not set boundaries so he does as he pleases.
Have you set any boundaries besides just expressing anger or frustration / screaming at him? If you've set boundaries, what are they?
You cannot talk to him as if he is a child; this is demeaning, won't work / you won't get your needs met.
Remember, he can't take advantage of you unless you allow it. And, you are, right? Ask yourself why you allow these behaviors and how long have they gone on?
And, A+ for writing us here.
Have you discussed this with his MD ?
What is the state of your parent's health?
Perhaps it is time that he live elsewhere if his behavior disgust and frustrate you and your husband. Have you considered / discussed this with your husband? your father?
Consider hiring a geriatric case manager or medical social worker to help you through this. A professional could be very valuable to you to decide what you need to do for all concerned.
This is some research I found__________________ (for bathroom issue)
Could be due to cognitive changes like early dementia, physical limitations such as arthritis or weakness, lifelong personal habits, or a simple lack of perceived necessity.
Cognitive and Neurological Factors
Memory loss:
He may simply forget the step is part of using the bathroom routine.
Executive dysfunction:
His brain may struggle to sequence the multi-step process of finishing up, standing, and moving to the sink.
Confusion or anosognosia:
He may not recognize that his hands are unclean or understand the risk of germs.
Physical and Environmental Barriers
Arthritis or pain:
Turning stiff faucets or pressing hard soap dispensers can hurt arthritic hands.
Weakness or fatigue:
Standing at the sink requires extra balance and physical effort he may lack.
Bad layout:
Poor bathroom design might make the sink hard to reach from the toilet.
Behavioral and Habitual Reasons
Lifelong habits: Studies show many men skip handwashing because they believe they did not touch anything unclean.
Apathy or depression:
A general drop in daily self-care motivation can occur in older age.
Is this a sudden change or a long-term habit?
Are there other signs of memory loss or physical weakness?
* * *
Gena / Touch Matters
I had to look twice after I read your question, wondering had I posted it here. My situation is just like yours. My dad is also 81 and initially it was so difficult for him to do these very same things. I used some of the recommendations here and they have helped. Some days he is more compliant than others.
Just letting you know you are not alone.
What is interesting is that hubby's daughter and her family are always dealing with one illness or another. Yet, shoe wearing hubby and I (we are in our 80's) rarely are sick. My parents lived into their late 90's. I recall reading half century ago, that it is better to be around some dirt to help our bodies get immune. Hopefully that still holds true today.