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I am a male only child who has cared for my mother since my father passed away in 2000. I was only 43 at the time. She was clinically depressed and agoraphobic when he died. She couldn't drive due to seizures, so I was her only connection to the outside world. I eventually got her to get out and enjoy being with people. She had TIA's and epileptic seizures for years, and I rushed home every time to make sure she was okay.


We moved her from her home into independent living in 2006. She lived there until November 2017 and she loved it. When she was no longer able to take care of herself we moved her to assisted living. She has always relied on other people for her well-being. She has called frequently to say she pushed the button on her pendant for service and no one has responded.


My mother has been in hospice for over a year but has now begun the end-of-life transition. I visited her today and she wasn't aware that I was there. She is 89 and has been quite comfortable up until this time.


I feel exhausted after looking out for her for almost 21 years. I think I've been a good son because she has always been well taken care of. I have no guilt. I called my female cousin today, who is very close to my mother, to tell her the end it near. She was bawling but I couldn't seem to muster a tear. Is it wrong that I feel numb now that she is at the end of her life?

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It is normal not to cry.

Remember, that your feelings are like your height and eye color - they belong to you, but you can't control what you feel. You will process your grief in your own time and in your own way, and what you feel will be yours and will be correct.

After my mom died, people were very sympathetic. I felt anger, because I had grieved for years over every cognitive decline and loss of memory and abilities that my mom had suffered, and they were only sympathetic then?
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Not at all; everyone experiences the passing of a loved one differently, and you have been 'in the trenches' for a very long time. You may grieve in a more 'conventional' way (tears, etc.) after your mom dies but even if you never do it is not 'wrong'. Very likely you've been grieving all along while you also met all the challenges of your situation. You have done more than many would in your situation, so allow yourself space to appreciate that and receive the grace that will come with your mom's transition out of this life.
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dseag2: I understand you perfectly. You are exhausted mentally and physically. Prayers sent.
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No - I understand perfectly. I am guessing you did your share of grieving during the past years while you were tending to her. You knew what was coming and you are burned out. You are normal and should not feel guilty. Look at it as a blessing - peace at last.
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No it is not wrong. It’s just honest. After 21 years, you are tired. It’s not an easy job and I’m only at 11 years. She has been safe and well cared for thanks to you. You are a good son.
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When we met up with a friend we hadn’t seen for two years, he mentioned almost dying. “Yes, I saw the light. Yes, it’s real.”

You’ve probably done your grieving as a a caretaker - and bless you for for 21 years of care - and now you can rejoice that her spirit is taking a beautiful turn.
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Wow....you have spent alot of your life taking care of your mother. Well done and don't worry how you feel. If you want to cry - then cry. If you want to scream - then scream. Everyone handles it so differently. Please don't best yourself up over this. Breathe easier knowing that she will not be in pain and you will see each other in another time.
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You are a good son. You simply are burnt out from being so close to the situation for 21 years. The cousin is close but she has not been a caregiver. Go easy with your self. You may or may not cry, out of the blue 6- 24 mos after she passes. It's okay. You stepped up to the place and took care of Mom when she needed you.

Well done. Now....................... long exhilation.
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It is not wrong. You have been worn down by caregiving and realize that your mom has really already left, though she her corporeal self is here. You have done your duty and have mourned this loss for years.
Curious, though, why did you feel it necessary to begin by telling us you were a male caregiver?
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Santalynn Oct 2021
I appreciate that he did say he's a male caregiver, because so often these elder care and end of life responsibilities fall on the females in a family; it added to my picture of his dedication and gave insight into his contrast with his female cousin's 'bawling'...wondering whether he was callous when it looks like many of us support him as 'normal' due to caregiver burnout and the kind of grieving that accompanies a long decline of a parent.
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Your question is “is it wrong to feel numb?” The answer is NO. Sounds like
You have done well as a son.
Maybe you’re not numb but actually at peace with the life you provided for her. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
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I'm convinced that there is such a thing as shedding all your tears before your LO passes away. I would visit my mother and listen to her dementia speak any number of outrageous things, and then go "visit" both sets of grandparents in the cemetery and pray for Mom and Dad both.
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dseag2, As you can see here, you have a lot of support. You have done a great job. My mom is 88, almost 89, and I have no idea how much longer she will live with this cruel dementia. I know deep inside I have already done some mourning over the loss of the active, capable woman she used to be, but thinks she still is. I think it is common for the caretaker to just get numb and long for some sense of normalcy. When she does go, just let yourself feel anything that comes to the surface, then go do some things you haven't been able to do for years. It will probably feel really odd at first that you are enjoying yourself with the freedom of not being tied down. Do not feel guilty for anything, now or later.
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Not at all wrong to feel numb right now. Everyone handles things in their own way, and since you've been her primary caregiver for so long you've probably been preparing for this in the back of your mind for a while. My Mom just recently passed, and I felt more of a gut-punch of grief when a close elderly cousin suddenly passed a few years ago than this - I quickly realized that I've known this was coming sooner rather than later and had been expecting it. I'm fine for a few hours and then something will set me off and I'll have a little cry. It sounds like your Mom has lived a pretty good long life - as much as she could - with your help, and it has been a long road. You know how you feel, and know that you have done everything you can for a long time and you don't need to demonstrate anything for anyone else by trying to muster some tears.
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No because your mom lived a good life and you took care of her needs and was always there for her.
She really doesn't have much of a life now and I wouldn't want to continue living like that so she probably doesn't either and she's ready to go home.
It's probably her med's that she's given to make her not know you.
Juse let her know you are there for her and love her and it's ok to go now and you will see her n Heaven when she wakes up.

Your tears will come but they will be tears of joy that she is no longer in pain and is now resting in Jesus.
You are more able to accept the death since you've been taking care of her and have seen the decline.

Every one handles it differently and the tears will come.

I know you mom appreciates all you did for her.
She was blessed with a good son.

Prayers
You
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You are not weird or "broken" that you do not feel sadness at this time. Your feelings of burnout may have robbed you of the energy to have "caring feelings" at this time. I also think you'll be more emotive a little later. Dr. Kubler-Ross outlines the usual 5 stages of grief. Everybody pretty much passes through these stages. You may have already gotten through the grief process over the years already.

Here are the stages:
Stage 1 - Denial - a feeling of disbelief that the loss occurred or is occurring.
Stage 2 - Anger - a feeling that this isn't fair and being mad about the situation
Stage 3 - Bargaining - trying all sorts of ineffective methods to try and bring back what is "normal"
Stage 4 - Depression - feelings of sadness and maybe withdrawal over loss
Stage 5 - Acceptance - feeling that it is alright and loss doesn't hurt
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I was with my dad for the last couple years of his life and journey thru cancer, AZ and a host of other ailments. We lost him this past January. He was ready and I encouraged him that the next time he was in the company of angels, he should go! I loved this man more than anyone & was glad he was out of a mind and body that no longer served him well. I was right there when he passed. He knew it somehow, too. I thought it odd that when he passed I was happy for him (I believe we return to full light) but I was also just completely numb. Looking back we hold it together and do what we must and I think our body sort of protects us. I’m still glad he’s in a better place, but I also have been able to grieve his loss in my time. Tears I now shed are both happy and sad at times. IDK, I guess we process & grieve in our own way? Being numb does not equal not caring- not by a long shot! God bless you for being there through thru her journey! It’s tough, but one of the most important things you can do in your lifetime. Stay strong!
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You have been there for your Mum throughout, loving and supporting her. There is no greater show of your love for her than that. You are now supporting her at the end of her life and should feel at peace with yourself however you feel through this final stage. Be kind to yourself. Feel proud of all your love and support. Your Mum will soon be at peace and you too will be able to grieve in whatever way is right for you.
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I totally get it. My husband died last week after a 2.5 year battle with cancer and also had a stroke two months ago. I was his sole caregiver and still working full time for most of that time. I shed many tears along the way for what we lost but hardly shed a tear during the funeral. Many of my friends (who don’t know the entire background) kept asking me if I was OK…perhaps thinking it was a charade. But I agree with the other posters; it’s a defense mechanism and I have felt times of sadness as the days have gone by but overall I’m so relieved that my husband is no longer suffering and now with Jesus.
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I think we kind of "turn off" because if we didn't we'd be crying all the time. There are things that need to be done and we just can't allow those emotions. I didn't cry when Mom died at 89 because I felt she was no longer suffering from Dementia. She had a good life and was loved.

My Mom opened her arms to our friends. And some didn't have it so easy at home. She treated them just like her own. So when one of these friends mention how good she was and that her home was a safe place to fall, I cry.

So, don't worry about the numbness. Its a safety mechanism. When the tears come you will be alone and will have a hard time shutting them off.
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I am so sorry for your loss and sympathetic for your exhaustion. There are no "wrong" feelings in this. The numbness you feel is emotional self protection that will likely dissipate in time as you process the loss of your mother. Grief is unique to each person. Farther along you may feel tearful; maybe not. Either way, what you feel or don't feel is the "right" way for you.

Love is an active verb. You loved your mother by caring for her. Tears don't "prove" your dedication or make your love for her more valid. Allow your grief to unfold in its own way.
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I'm male the only remaining son and my mother is 88. I'm numb and exhausted daily. My dad dies of a hear attack over 20 years ago and I've been caretaker default second husband to my mother since 2011. It's not wrong to be numb or not feel anything because you aren't bawling with sadness. It's also not wrong to not feel guilt. I was in my 30's when my dad died and I never expected my mom to live as long as she has without him.
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You’ve been down a very long and hard road, it’s perfectly normal to feel numb. Your mother has been blessed to have you and I wish you both peace
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Dseag2
First I want to give you a hug. You have fought the good fight. You have been a great ally for your mom and in spite of your numbness, you are going to miss your mom.
I too was numb when my mom died. I did not even want to help with her services or attend her funeral but my family insisted and I was too tired to resist. The exhaustion will be with you for awhile. How long I can’t say. My mom has been gone for six years and I’m still tired but I have my DH aunt still. My wish is that you give yourself all the time you need. The tears will come when you least expect them if you are like me or perhaps not at all. It’s okay either way. There is no rush. We each grieve in our own way. No right or wrong.
I am very sorry for your loss.
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Whatever you feel, or don't, is okay. You are worn out. You will adjust as the situation changes. There's no need to criticize or question yourself. As time goes by you may have a variety of feelings...grief, relief, pride, acceptance, discomfort, fear....many feelings will change as your circumstances change. You have done well. You will be okay.
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