I take care of disabled amputee veteran and his wife who was also disabled by a stroke. I am committed to these people till death. They are like family to me. We have our own place but I am on call 24/7. It has been a very rough year with hospital stays and some very long days. We have never been cross with each other because of work related stuff, and yet he's choosing to leave because he can no longer deal with the stress.
I don't know what to say. Hope you can work it out. A lot of tangled bits and pieces.
You won't see it now, but x did u a favor. Do you really want to support a man financially? That gets old too. A relationship needs to be 50/50. Sometimes each partner giving more than the other at times. You don't say how old ur. Even if this couple were your parents, you r entitled to a life of ur own.
So you have your own house (and he lived there with you) and you only work 3 scheduled hours a day (but are on call if necessary). You and he had 21 hours a day together plus the w/ends.
He isn't/wasn't working except odd jobs for them.
Where is there any STRESS?
(Except having enough money to pay the bills(?))
Unless there is way more to the story, it sounds like a great setup to me. Plenty of time to be together (maybe THAT was the stress!)
It sounds like you did nothing wrong. You let him know the situation beforehand, you let him move in with you (obviously not paying his share of rent if he has no job), there was plenty of time together. Sounds like it was HIS problem. Don't take responsibility or ownership of it.
Have you sat down with him and asked what "stressed him out"? I'm finding nowadays that men are coming up with more "creative" breakup excuses. My step daughter has been told twice that it isn't fair to her that they (the guys she dates) don't have enough time for her as they should, and so as to not "keep her hanging", they will sadly cut her loose. Aaaahhhhhh horse poop! That's just a kind way to say that they don't want to go out with her anymore. She's a Christian and won't "give it up" therefore move on to the next one.
Whether you’re married or not, there is (or was) commitment in your relationship. When he agreed to your caregiving for these people, he did it out of commitment and love for you. He didn’t know what the reality was. When he found out, it obviously didn’t set well with him. Did you try to work it out? Did you both try a compromise? You know, concessions on both of your parts. Less devotion and availablity to the couple on your part and more understanding on his? If you and he truly tried to find a middle ground about this and it didn’t work, then let it and him go. But if and when you involve yourself in another relationship, you’ll need to be brutally frank about how much this couple means to you and that they occupy a lot of your time and thoughts and that right now, they are your life.
I’m sorry if my perceptions are off. We can only form opinions on what we are told. It’s one-sided. I hope it all works out for you...and for him.
I think there is a lot more to the story were not privy to. Big pieces seem to be missing.
But anyhoo, a long while back I was reading up on men who leave when women get cancer. It's an actual phenomenon unfortunately. And quite common.
It seems men have thought it's a woman's place to do the caretaking, but it is harder for a guy to want to assume that role.
Perhaps he just can't deal with being a proxy caretaker? Do you volunteer him for things?
Since we don't know, you have to sit down and hash this out with him. What was the breaking point?
Perhaps they can hire someone to do a few days or hrs a week to help take pressure off of you. 24/7 is a lot on anyone.
Maybe he feels your mentally consumed with this, even when you are not working at their home or hospital. Maybe it is all you talk about? I don't know. Just a stab in the dark.
If he is feeling stressed, he must be getting dragged into this caretaking thing somehow.
I'm curious if he is not working where will he go?
He has another place and has moved out. Probably living with another woman now. So you’ve made clear who you chose and he acted. You can now martyr yourself to the two disabled patients. It’s cool that you care so much about your patients but one woman can’t do what you are trying to do by herself. You’ll be the next one to have a stroke.
But out of curiosity, how are they paying you? In cash? I hope you aren’t doing this to inherit property because those deals don’t end well! Relatives will challenge a will or agreement, even if a lawyer did the legal papers.
You work from 8 AM to 11 PM? You didn't put am or pm after the time. If it's 8 am to 11 pm, then that's too many hours away from home. The "normal" couple works 8 hours with an hour or 2 for commute. You are gone 15 hours a day. What's he supposed to do? You have just enough time to jam a sandwich in your mouth at 11:15 pm when you get home then take a shower and fall into bed at 11:30 pm to get up at 7:00 am and do it all over again. You have no time together during the week. Those hours aren't good for your health either. Then you also have to go there in the morning and evening of the weekend, so you can't be gone all day and evening.
I'm sure he thought he could handle it. I couldn't accept this situation and I can see why he couldn't too. I'll bet your SO didn't think you "had plenty of time together".
He already admitted he couldn't deal with the "stress" of not seeing you for 5 days straight. No one to talk to until mid Saturday morning? Not for me and I don't think most people would be able to cope with this life.
No offence intended, just my 2 pesos.
You said you’ve never been “cross with each other” because of work. But, while he may have “a job”, what you describe is a lifetime commitment, the lifetime of these people you care for. You give the impression you are their Angel of Mercy and hubby is intolerant and done with you. You are on call 24/7 for them but not your husband. I doubt seriously if this was he expected when he married you. He vowed “in sickness and in health” to you, not to someone else you would eventually become devoted to.
SueC is right. You married him, but you chose them. If you were my SO and that happened, I’d leave too. Sorry.
Maybe he feels like you don't pay enough attention to him. Maybe he's tired of having his needs come last. Maybe he feels like they are more like family then he is. Maybe there is precious little privacy.
Whatever the reason, he chose to leave and you have chosen to stay. You have made it known you will not leave these people and, in so doing, you have indirectly said that you are choosing them. It's not abnormal for a couple to want their privacy, so it's not surprising that he felt uncomfortable. It's hard enough to have a SO relationship while living alone together, let alone being in the same house and being "on call" for the elders.
I aplaude you for sticking by the elders but at what price for YOUR life. Is he worth loosing because you feel the need to care for this couple 24/7?
If not, there can be compromises. They can hire a home companion for one- 8 hour shift a day and you can then have somewhat of a social life.
If this couple lives another 20 years, are you prepared to be alone (not in a committed relationship) for 20 years also? I don't know anyone who would put up with living with their SO in the home of two elderly disabled people? We are a privacy seeking culture and there must be precious little of that in your living situation.