Husband recently diagnosed with MCI has been making some serious financial decisions using credit cards I had no idea he had, and now dipping into our joint checking account.
I have moved all of my paychecks, SS check into a new account only in my name, and tried to protect myself, but legally as his spouse I'm responsible for these expenses even if my name isn't on them. He refuses to give me power of attorney, and lies continually about spending this money! This is so unlike him, is this a typical characteristic of MCI or early dementia?
If so you must now get guardianship. You will need letters from the MD (often two) and you will go to an Elder Law Attorney. You will be made financial POA. All bills and decisions will go to you and you will cancel all credit card accounts.
How impaired is your husband. If you hide/destroy his cards for now will he be able to reorder them?
You cannot let this go. Financial abuse of elders in this state often happens they say in New York Times as many as 6 years before a diagnosis as their executive function is so very poor that they make dreadful decisions, sometimes about scams. Recommend you dig up an article last Sunday New York Times business section.
You are going to have to take control here. I hope you have support in doing so. I am so relieved you have taken control of the money that is YOURS. You badly need the advice of Elder Law Attorney and may need to do a legal separation to get your own money SAFE.
If you can not do anything on the accounts that he has opened in his name only, I don't know if you are legally responsible for them.
I recommend seeing a financial attorney and finding out how to protect the marital assets and yourself from his bad decisions.
Can you return anything? I think that I would do that with as many things as possible, if it is that type of purchasing.
What is he spending money on?
Dad has no diagnosis of any mental decline, but he has OCD, hoarding and is fixated on preparing for a major international financial crisis. This fixation goes back many years. He spends everything he has on buying 'supplies'. He has so much stuff piled around his bed that the paramedics could barely get him into his bed when he had a bad fall earlier this year.
Accounts that are not joint like CCs can, on some level, be considered YOUR problem if/when he defaults. Even if you are not legally responsible, collection places won't care and WILL harass you, so start with EC atty and find out what you can do.
One option *may* be to become Rep Payee for his SS income. When you apply (local office), they will send notice to him, but if you can snag that from the mail, it would be best. They do this to protect people from other taking over their SS, but in this case it is to protect him, not defraud him.
Lying or just living in another reality? Whenever dementia affects the brain, whatever they think or "understand" is real to them. If possible, protect what assets you can and avoid confronting or arguing with him over these issues. It will only cause anger and frustration. The EC atty may be able to offer ways to get the CC issues taken care of. Removing access to the cards may help in the short term, but if he is capable enough, he can get replacements.
Dementia affects each person in different ways. It depends on the underlying cause, and in many respects the person's own personality and background. While there are shared symptoms and behaviors, each person will have their own unique "journey."
Since he refuses to consider POAs, you need to have that EC atty consult to find the best ways to protect yourself and him from himself.
While this could help by preserving some of his income, if he has other sources of income like a pension, OP will need his ok, him to appoint her POA (he refuses) or have the court award conservatorship. Given he isn't really that bad cognitively yet, the letter, if he gets it, could set him off! Certainly I would plan to snag all mail until the approval comes (can take some time to get that.) Once approved, you set up a special account for those funds and only you can access them.
You could set up an online acct for the card and ask to drop the credit limit or close the account.
You could ask the post office to hold the mail and you pick it up.
The SS information is correct. They have the right to send a letter to the dr and yes they do send a letter afterwards to your husband. If your holding the mail he won't see it. If no response is given to SSI the change to you will occur.
I would also try to call the credit card companies to advise the situation. They may be able to help you.
Is he shopping online? Donating money to sketchy things? As for the joint checking, was he using a debit card to get money out of there? Or going to the bank to get cash? Do you actually see the things he is buying/ordering? Do you think he's really lying (to hide it) or he really doesn't remember spending the money? Either way, if he denies doing it - that opens the door for you to tell him it must be fraud and need to cancel the credit cards. Don't let bank reissue a debit card. If anything at all - use one of the existing credit cards for misc purchases and put a very low limit on it. You pay for big expenses by way of a debit or credit card that you keep hidden.
That said, my mother lies like a rug nowadays. She has what the doctors diagnosed in 2016 as 'progressive dementia'. When cognition issues crop up, many people are in deep denial about it and want to do things THEIR way, or make decisions to PROVE their 'fine' and there is 'nothing wrong with them.' "See, I'll show YOU I'm fine! Watch this! "
Then all hell breaks loose while they wreak havoc.
Lying (also known as confabulation) IS indeed a symptom of dementia.
It's true that in the early stages of the disease, people with dementia might fib to cover for memory loss. But most examples of “lying” are dementia symptoms rather than intentional deception. They're more like an unconscious defense mechanism.
Educate yourself on what your husband is facing emotionally and mentally. Go to Alzheimers.org to read up on the subject, even though he wasn't diagnosed with "Alzheimers" per se. A broken brain is a broken brain, no matter what diagnosis it's given.
You've gotten some great advice about consulting an Elder Care atty to find out what the most prudent avenue to take would be.
God bless you; wishing you all the best of luck with a difficult situation.
How to deal with it:
1- "White lie" of your own. Tell him that all of joint accounts and his accounts have been hacked. The bank will issue him a new debit/credit card. Give him a reloadable gift card from a major credit card company. Load a reasonable amount of "spending money" each month onto his card. Close any accounts that are only your husband's or joint accounts and place the money into your accounts.
2 - Have doctor evaluate your husband in light of this new development. It is reasonable for the doctor to declare him mentally incompetent. In most states, you will not need a power of attorney to handle your joint accounts. Before you have him declared mentally incompetent, make sure that you are an authorized representative on all financial matters: bills, banking, doctors, insurance...
3 - You might also talk with your bankers about this situation and they may have other strategies to help.
4 - It might be worthwhile to talk to a local lawyer that handles family law or elder law. He/She can give you the best legal advice to protect you financially while also caring for your husband.
If he knows your Social Security number, you should lock your credit, too, to prevent him from going that route. You can unlock it anytime you want to apply for credit or a loan, then lock it again after the bank has checked it.
But has lied and cheated in the past. Now a adult child that has came out of no where age 27 along with just finding out there are multiple hospital bills as long as Dr. bills that was never paid and they are coming to the surface due to tax season that I thought was paid. I have drowned and still getting deeper with those that has/is accumulated. I can not make enough money for the past, now, and future. I need a vehicle now instead of keep feeding the one I have $50.00 in gas a week and to keep feeding $ into it for fixing it every time it breaks down. But the credit is no good as well. I do not know how to get out of everything he accumulated in the past and reflects on me. Any suggestions?
"unsecured debt" and if you're not on the account, didn't sign the application, then you're not liable for the payments. But good to check with EC attorney.
When my mom was diagnosed with Dementia, her Geriatrician gave me medical
certification saying that she wasn't able to make medical decisions. We (mom & I) called the cc company to close her account saying it was being fraudulently used (which my yb opened & used freely). Months later the cc company calls wanting payment for the balance! (Since I wasn't on the account, they refused to tell me anything about the charges. I don't know how they got my phone number).
I explained mom's condition, lives in a care home and the account had been closed. They asked for and I sent them a copy of the Dr's diagnosis and told them they weren't getting any money.