Is there a wrong way to grieve/not grieve?

Thank you all for your insightful responses and kind wishes. My mother was a hardworking good Mom but the last few years changed her greatly, and the stress changed me. My only regret is that I did not seek help for the stress while I was dealing with it, but seeing a therapist seemed to be adding one more thing to an already out of control schedule. I still feel great peace for her, and while I have moments/small waves of grief, I know she is at peace and with my Dad, the great love of her life, in their heavenly home. God bless you all for taking time to respond! All answers were helpful!

There is no wrong way to grieve and it always ebbs and flows. You provided comfort and care and God bless you for all you did for your Mom. Breathe and take time for yourself to put your life back together. There will be good days and sad days, but they will be your days. Peace.

MAYDAY: Thank you for the nod.

Listen to llama. There is no time limit. it comes and it goes... and when you least expect it, it overwhelms you when you think you are done grieving. Talk to her...She is listening... If you have questions; are at a loss, talk to her...
Sounds crazy, I know, but sometimes, I feel a sense of peace....Thank her, and tell her you still love her... It's okay.

Grief is about loss. It appears you suffered and grieved the loss a long time ago. If you find yourself experiencing sadness over your loss, please consider joining a Griefshare group. Otherwise, be comforted with your good memories as you move into the next phase of your life.

I'm in year 4 of caring for my Alz. mother. Believe me, I'm sick of caregiving. For me, the mother whom I love is long gone, replaced by a horribly burdensome shadow of hers. If she were to die tomorrow, I think I would feel relieved rather than sad. Now and then, I felt the grief for the loss of the sane mom I once had. If I cried, it would be for that mom, not the crazy one I have now.

guiltridden64 - please shed the guilt. Time to focus on YOUR life and live it to the fullest.

Don’t put any demands or guilt on yourself.

There are no rules for grieving- allow yourself permission to proceed as it feels right. Take one day at a time and have no expectations.

Anyone who tells you that you are grieving improperly is the only one making the mistake.

Imho, there is no time limit for grief. It may come when you are least expecting it.

There is no ideal way to grieve, meaning it could take years or months or longer before anything hits you, I had a client who mourned the death of his cats more than his father's death. His father was psychologically abusive, so it was understandable.

Your relationship with your mother sounds like it was okay, but less than ideal. Which is, believe it or not, the experience of many.

Please don't think there's anything wrong with you, if you're not grieving as you think you should be grieving. You might never experience anything profound.
It's all good.

Maybe it's time to be less critical of yourself, you're okay and perfectly normal. Hugs for you.

I'll always grieve the loss of my mom but my grief has changed in the last five years since she passed. In the beginning I was kind of relieved because her pain was over and my anxiety over her pain was now done. I missed her terribly but I was so tired that I just needed to learn to rest and not jump every time the phone rang. Get back to being me. Plus I had major anger over the lack of help from my siblings. That was simmering underneath everything else.

Now, I am missing her in a different way. Just her presence in my daily life. The walks we did together, going for lunch, just that companionship.

But there is no proper way to grieve. Grief is unique to the person and the situation. If you aren't crying don't worry. You will or you won't. Neither is right or wrong.

My condolences on you loss. That’s the way I felt when my father died. I was relieved that all the stress and chaos of caring for him was over. I had been morning him for some time before his death. I don’t remember even crying when he died.

Now I am going thru the same thing with Mom. 93, living in a nursing home, deep in dementia. I was actually relieved when Corvid locked everything down, now she is in the care of the NH and I can concentrate on living my own life.

My much loved MIL died aged 99 years 9 months in a NH, unable to speak or get out of bed for several years. I had visited 2 days before – quite a long trip. The NH phoned me to say that she had passed. I drove down on cloud nine – so happy that she was free! I miss her sometimes years later, and the memories that I can no longer share with anyone, but I have never regretted her death, or my own feeling of happiness for her. The grief was over long before.

DABDA: disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance: Kubler-Ross grief model that is widely respected are my choices as the stages of grieving. Not many people go through the 5 stages all nice and neat and can skip around plus relapse. Time is an individual process too. Grief is a burden you should embrace to heal. Here's the thing...you took care of her, when many do not, so give yourself credit. Other than that, you will deal with it.

Self-authoring is good for self-therapy. I write and look back to see the progress or not: many do benefit from it. Talking to people is good but so many are wrapped up in their own thing but if it helps it's good.

You turned right when you should have went left...you said something you didn't mean when dealing in a situation you are not trained for. These well meaning caregiver pamplets and advice I feel put many of you up for failure as laymen.

Take the memories of your mother and put them in your memory room where you store ones that stay locked away under the past: access when needed but don't visit to often lest you forget to live in the present. Don't forget the bad times too: that's you as well as the good ones. All of it is what makes you who you are: it has made you stronger so own it. Don't forgive: learn, accept. To forgive means someone did something wrong...no. Accept you don't have anything to forgive or to forget.

The only way grief will overwhelm you is if you allow it.

You loved and still love your Mother. You will never get over your grief, you will just get used to it. Over time the “hurt” will become dimmer. Yes, there will be many times that you will feel overwhelmed; even later as more time passes. It is always easier if you can continue to focus your love on another living loved one. If there is not another loved one, then you need to start planning and start another life where maybe you will find another loved one, not to replace your Mother, but to add and enrich your life. Just let it happen.

Your story is my story. My dad died on 6.16 this year And we buried him 5 days ago. My condolences to you and I have the same feelings. I grieve for the loss of a man whose life was cruelly changed by dementia and had to spend the last 3 months in a locked down facility with isolation. I was allowed to see him before he died. I am relieved that he got the death he wished for so many times and relieved he is released from suffering. I expect to feel ups and downs as that is what the grieving process is. And with this disease, you truly lose your parent long before they die and you wished it could be over for them. Sadly the man who used to tell me how happy he was to see my told me "I almost hate you" the last time I was allowed to see him on 5.30 this year. I knew he said it because he blamed me for his misery of being in LTC for 2.5 years. It was hard to hear and I wish our good bye could have been sweet words. I did tell him as he lay in a coma that I forgave him and released him of any regrets he may still have. Be kind to yourself and expect the waves to come and go.

Hospice or...has help for you. Medicare pays for your help for up to a year. IT WORKS!!

It will take time, but it will get better, You'll start to remember the good memories and not so much the bad. It will be 4 years to the date, tomorrow, June 29 and the day later in the week, Wed, since mom passed.

I still miss her terribly, but know she is in a better place with her beloved brother, mother and husband/dad, along with wonderful wonderful people that proceeded her in death.

One thing that you may learn and that death may teach you is to show you who your real friends are. Many people tend to shy away and disappear when one mentions death, possibly because they think they may be called on to be a ear to listen too or a sounding board. They don't want to be that, so they abruptly or not, cut out communication with you.

Anyway, I hope you find peace and know that your dear mom is at peace and would want you to get the best out of life you possibly can. Blessings to you.

My condolences, "guiltridden."

Please let me say, "FORGIVE YOURSELF!!" You have no reason to feel guilty because you are only human and you did your duty with love. BE PROUD! Imagine how many "children" don't even give a damn about their helpless ill parents.

My mom died on June 9th, 2020 and I feel what you're feeling. Dementia robbed her of her faculties and we often felt like we were dealing with the "terrible twos" with our 94-year-old baby. Temper tantrums, favorite word "no", and of course the inability to use the bathroom.

Any time I might have felt like not doing something for Mom, I had to remind myself of the countless acts of love and sacrifice she made for us. I asked myself, "How many dirty diapers of mine did she change? How many times did she nurse a sick son or daughter back to health? And how many times did I hurt her and disappoint her as a rotten teenager?" My duty was never in question.

But I often said, "This person is our mother, but this is not Mom!" Quite simply put, she was ill. It's quite normal to lose patience and raise a voice when every conversation is interrupted and after you've heard the same question for the umpteenth time. e.g. "For the umpteenth time, it's 12:15. Wait....12:16!" I must say it always broke my heart a little after I would raise my voice in exasperation (and to make it easier for her to hear) and the poor little sweet old lady would look so sad and say: "Please don't yell at me, I was only asking." :(

And don't forget, some other folks just can't handle the stress of caregiving. After one day my mind was as confused as hers was and a stiff drink was in order. (Only for me, of course!)

My sister is an angel. She is retired and moved Mom into her home and, in addtion to the formidable existing stresses of her daily life, she cared for our mother 24/7 for more than 5 years. She was the one changing diapers and leaning awful messes. Despsite my best efforts to relieve her when possible, she was so dedicated to our mother that she rarely left her side 24/7. She is the most selfless and patient person I know, and those "minefield moments" were frequent. But the love was never in question. I still don't know how she did it.

Now my sister has her life back just like my mother wanted (and yours, too, I'll bet.)
But it's a big adjustment and it hasn't sunk in yet. And of course, we all miss her, but I feel we did our grieving for 5 years. Mom was ready and not afraid of the inevitable so no one was more relived than she was. She had a strong faith that death brings new life.

So really, go easy on yourself. You did your best when thrown into a chaotic situation and you responded the only way you knew how, like the rest of us who step up to the plate. Often with little or none of the help we may expect from family. You lived up to your responsibility to your mom instead of abandoning your elders like so many others do. THEY, NOT YOU, should feel guilty!

The suffering is over. Hallelujah! Enjoy your life and don't worry you're not grieving enough. Because as HILLARDMH wisely says: "There is no right or wrong way to grieve." Caregivers have to develop a thick skin to defend our own sanity so feeling de-sensitized can't just be shut off. It fades.

But don't be alarmed if one day sooner or later, you bust out weeping out of the blue! Maybe triggered by some little thing you didn't expect like a song, or a memory triggered by a glimpse of one of your mother's personal items, or maybe by nothing at all. And it will be the best cry you ever had! But please certainly don't fault yourself if it never happens that way like it did to me years after my dad died.

Everyone is not as able or as strong or caring as you are. SO SHED THE GUILT, "guiltridden"! You have earned it!

Here's to happier times ahead!

I hear you and went through the same. I mourned while things were happening with my husband. When it was over, I did not mourn much but rather felt a sense of peace. This is normal. You grieved while it was happening and now all is over and it is time for you to move on and take care of yourself. You have mourned and now it is over.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, We are all different. I would encourage you to find a grief counselor who can help you deal with your situation. You can probably find someone though your church, dept. of aging and/or your local Hospice.

I wondered why I was not crying/grieving so much and was as concerned as you are now until my sweet cousin, who had lost her father a few years prior told me that I had already grieved my mother while watching her deteriorate with all of her health issues and doing all that I knew to do to get proper help for her. I realized my cousin was right. I grieved her as I sat by her bedside for the last 5 years of her life listening to ramblings and trying to figure out what she was saying. I talked with doctors, got caregivers to assist, and she was admitted to nursing home. Yes, I grieved her gradually all along.

lingering deaths are so hard...........my mom has vascular dementia..............I've tried to help her at home but she's stubborn............things always had to be done her way.............falling but insisting walking with a cane.........be calling EMT many times to get her up..................now she's bedridden in what I see as Rehab with no potential goal..........she's qualified for outpatient hospice..............during this whole thing I've felt like my head was about to explode.........sapped joy out of life................I pray that hospice and outside help can offer some peace to this horrendous journey

As caregiver of my husband I feel that I am already grieving his loss. That is the kind of grief that only caregivers understand, so it’s almost like you have a headache start’ on the process. There is also that sense of relief that he or she is free of their suffering AND YES, that you have your life back because when you are a caregiver you don’t have much of a life. Do not let your relief block your grief. Feel both. You are grieving the loss of your mom ( or for any of us the one we have been caring for) and we are grieving for ourselves and the life we lost caring for them... the life that we planned to have together with them, our shared dreams and plans. Make room now for joy. You haven’t had time or room in your life for joy and I pray that now you will find it.

My mom passed March 20th. We dealt with her worsening state for about 15 months. At first when she got ill, I was in a constant state of panic which evolved into a kind of knowing this was the end. That was when I began to grieve for my mom.

Since her death, I’ve been pretty numb, I can only take so much social interaction then I need solitude. I imagine worse is coming but I’m giving myself as long as needed.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no "requirement" that you feel grief. Every person, as well as the situation in which s/he was in, is different. I tend to be at the bottom of the grief spectrum as I've written in previous comments), but I'm sympathetic to people who grieve intensely. There's room in this world for all kinds of people with all kinds of emotional reactions.

It has been 7 and a half years for me, since my mom died, following a 4 year nonstop Mom binge; of emergency room visits, falls, dementia, and so forth. I had a long time of heart palpitations and 24 hour worry. The happiest times in the 4 years were when she was in rehab facilities after an event.

She hated it too. She had always been very precise about life, everything in its place, and the chaos made it worse for her. I lost a lot of myself and my husband, and lost all friends.

At the funeral I felt that finally my mom could be happy. She was up in heaven with my dad, her mom, my Aunt, and Elizabeth Taylor. she was a big fan. There was nothing on earth for her to miss.

Down the road you may want to see a therapist for a while. It’s great to have a safe person to talk to. They help you organize your thinking. I’m very sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes it takes a while to fully recognize all the feelings we have after the death of a loved one. I think it is different for every person and with the manner of death. Suicide and accidents for example are hard in a different way than long lasting physical or emotional illness. Also the age of the person who has left us. If they had a long life it is easier to let go and return to the many memories. If young, we tend to think of their lost future. I know I have felt each loss of a loved one in a very different way. For my sister I still cry at least once a week eight years later. For my father I now just remember how wonderful he was, but at first I wailed and screamed at the shock of being suddenly without him. For others, I hold onto little moments of joy I had with them. I think time will take care of how you grieve in the very best way for you to do it. Absolutely no reason to feel guilt on how it is done.

Exhaustion also plays a part in a Caregivers grief.
We have mourned the loss for sometimes years while our loved one slowly disappears. Bystanders and sometimes family members that have not been as involved find the death more "sudden".
We are numb.
We grapple with not just the death of the person we loved, we cared for but our own "death" of sorts. We are no longer caregivers, a role that has been a major part of who we are. We no longer have to look at our watch when we are shopping and think...the caregiver watching him has to leave in 20 minutes and I have to get through this line...or...you wake up at midnight and again at 3 or 4 AM to change him and realize there is no one to change....or...you can actually sit and read a book or go to a movie but you are still physically and emotionally exhausted that you fall asleep reading the book, or you will pay $15.00 to see the movie and you fall asleep...
No one can tell you how to grieve or for how long. This is a personal thing that will happen on your time no one else's.
Do not be surprised if while driving down the road one day a song will come on that for some reason will trigger a memory and you will start crying. The same with an aroma, a snippet from a commercial, or something someone says.
Time. The old saying Time Heals All Wounds....
Like any wound grief can be raw, red, angry but it begins to slowly (and some people heal faster) fade and heal. Some wounds leave a large scar some smaller but even the scars fade but if you look they are always there, others may not see them but we know they are there. It is the memories that we carry that make us who we are.

You have some good answers here. Like others, I think you are doing well. We all grieve at our own speed and in our way. With the stresses of caregiving come a lot of grieving over what has been lost. In a very real sense, you have already grieved a great deal while in the midst of caregiving for someone who has changed significantly because of illness. There is even a medical term for it--"anticipatory grief."

If you now find activities and relationships that bring you joy, don't feel guilty about it. We all have a right to live our lives and choose the purposes and people with whom and for whom we live.

Prayers and hope for the future