My bf and I are so happy to have found each other Altho late in life (mid 60s). We are loving & respectful and have a simple, fun and healthy lifestyle. We are each other's best friend and companion and are having the best relationship of our lives.
After 30 years, he and his wife agreed it was over and they separated. We had already met and after he moved out we jumped into this. Perhaps it was unrealistic to ignore but he put off filing for divorce. We have been together 18 months.
Now she has been diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s at 64 and bc she is not close to her siblings, and they are still married, he seems to have taken on this situation on his own. I don’t know if it’s bc of what people would think or guilt or what
I fear he will be the martyr and throw away the best years he has left. I’m trying to help by gathering info and reading and listening. Since I’m his happy place, he can only talk so much. I get it.
How can I understand and know if we dont talk deeply about this? Why doesn’t he get home care? He actually slept there all week bc she had a tooth infection and she wasn’t doing well with taking her meds for it and her Alzheimer meds.( I only just found a pill Dispensers with alarms on line). He’s worried what his kids would think if he left her alone and overdosed. I think he is exaggerating and not giving credit to his kids who would understand this is not entirely his responsibility. And would not expect him to be sleeping there since he has a relationship and a home elsewhere. And I think his adult daughter should take on more than every other Saturday… she cld sleep there some nights… she has no kids and lives in the same town They have money, he should have someone in there.
I think he is lacking boundaries and going to confuse her as well as overburden himself.
I wish there was some guidance for people wanting to help their estranged or ex spouse. Even if they were divorce I would expect and support him helping her bc he is a kind person and she is the mother of his kids. I would do the same. But I think he’s not proceeding in a healthy way considering they did not have any kind of intimate or even affectionate relationship for over 5 years before I met him. She didn’t want anything to do with him.
I think it’s very possible to help her while respecting our relationship. But this does not seem like a good start.
I am so worried for him and us. HELP:(
But yes, it sounds worrisome and he may throw the best years of his life to martydom
Your boyfriend is her husband, and he apparently takes that seriously. This speaks well for his character. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look good for your relationship. If he’d wanted to divorce her, he would have. He didn’t, and you consequently have no claim on him, nor can you expect him to do what you ask. You might suggest that you go to counseling together to clarify the goals of your relationship, but he’s so involved in his wife’s care that he may not want to involve himself in something that would take even more of his energy. He’s probably on emotional overload already.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
Our OP comes from another culture where children are more likely to step in and do the caregiving than in our own, I think, from her responses above.
Often in a relationship we make up what the other person thinks.
You are doing just that to an extraordinary degree.
You tell us that you cannot discuss this with him.
Then you tell us what you THINK he thinks.
You tell us what you THINK, if he THINKS that, he should do.
A) This isn't an ex-spouse.
This is a spouse he never divorced.
B) He won't discuss this with you.
He has children with this woman, and they all are dealing with a spouse/mom with dementia.
Now on to what I THINK.
I think that you need to bow gracefully OUT OF ALL OF THIS.
I would tell this gentleman that a lot has fallen on his plate, and he clearly has to come to some settling of his mind how to proceed forward with his life in all of this.
I would tell this gentleman that he has my utter sympathy, that he must feel in a state of shock, and that there are cognitive therapists out there or licensed social workers in private practice to help him deal with this life transition.
I would tell this gentleman you care for him, but simply cannot be involved in this, cannot help with his working it out, cannot help with his decisions.
Then I would get on with my life, and stop making up stories about what you think he thinks and what you think he should do.
He never divorced this woman.
That was no accident, is what I myself think.
I am so sorry. But leave him be. He is suffering enough confusion, and his kids need him now. Wish him the very best. Move on.
He needs to see an Elder Law attorney in his state to see about dividing his and wife's assets so that she can be eligible for Medicaid after spend down.
He needs to be talking to a professional third party (therapist) about how to decide what level of involvement he can sustain in caregiving. He (the spouse) is the one with an obligation here, not the children, despite what you think.
This is what happens when unmarried people date married people. The married people are married for a reason - they like the status quo.
Happy places are created by open honest communication. If he has gone crickets about his wife's situation, that he has planted himself squarely in, you should be very scared and prepared to be further used by this male if you don't step up and speak out.
I would recommend leaving what you think his children should do out of any conversations; because you are already seen as an interloper in their parents marriage and trying to guilt them into stepping up will only be more of a wedge. It is not their responsibility to prop up their mom, that is a husband's position.
As said he is still married to her. Your going to need to give him space to figure this all out. She may need to be placed eventually. That means splitting of assets. You may need to be his soft spot to land. A place to go and a person to be with that is there for him. No telling him what he should or should not do. A place to go where he can forget about caring for her. Its up to him and his children to figure out how much of their time can be given for her care. Up to them how they proceed.
If you cannot be his go to person, then u need to tell him. But, I would wait before I throw a good relationship away. You could try to find ways to help to lighten his load. Maybe u can grocery shop. But, you will need boundries so ur not taken advantage of. Don't feel guilty if you find you cannot be with him anymore. Thats OK, he really is not free.
She is the mother of his children, his estranged wife who he was with for 30 years.
He might be feeling some guilt because maybe he started his affair with you because of her behaviors, which now make sense because she has been diagnosed.
I think you are to the part where it’s: if you love him, let him go. If it’s meant to be, he will come back.
I’m sorry for you that your happy and carefree relationship is no longer. I’m sure it was lovely and how nice in your 60s you had that for a time.
on top of all this my mom just passed away.
I will get all my answers and then I will decide.
If not, I will be vey sad and back away.
Honestly this will not end well for you. You need to have a frank discussion with him but ultimately I think this relationship is doomed. It is very telling that he did not go forward with the divorce. When I got a divorce, I couldn't get out of that fast enough. When my current husband got divorced from his last wife...again it couldn't happen fast enough. This man never moved forward on his divorce while developing something with you. Why?
You also want his daughter to step up so you can have more of him yourself. You believe that because his daughter has no children more of the burden of her mother's care should fall on her and free up her father's time for you.
You've only been in this relationship for 18 months. Sounds like you went in with concerns that he didn't divorce her and well, now your worst fear about him is coming true. And you won't be honest with him about what you feel so you speculate about what he thinks.
There are so many levels of denial going on with you, with him, with you both as a "couple". Give him the space and freedom to deal with his wife and family.
I am writing this for your sake, and I am not criticizing you. I fear you are being used.
It seems that it was very convenient for your married man to move in with you. This gave him a rest and relaxation from his non-functional marriage. It is a red flag that he never made an honest commitment to you. Is he even legally separated?
You have been spending time with a man whom you treat as a husband. However, you don't have the benefits of marriage. You have no legal status. I bet you're not in his will. If he has a pension, are you named his beneficiary? You may be willing to take care of him in sickness and health. But what is he doing for you? It seems he can't even commit to a "deep conversation." I suspect he is evasive with his answers and perhaps not truthful. I think you need to contact a good therapist. ASAP. You may find relationship coach Jonathon Aslay (YouTube) and his books interesting.
johathonaslay.com/midlifelove.
I know this doesn't answer your question, but I am concerned for your well being. This man's obligation is to his wife and he is showing you that. This must be very hurtful to you. I wish you the best.
Case #1 - GF lived with a wealthy married man for 35 years. He had a wife and 4 kids on the other side of town. By the time GF was 30, he'd bought her a hideaway for the two of them, where he could park his car unseen. They traveled, he bought her more property, made her rich. But when he got sick, he went home to his wife, who nursed him through his long death of Parkinson's. Case #2 - Man left wife ten years ago, separation not divorce, moved in with KS. Love, all smiles, good times, travel, lots of drinking and him taking over her money. Man still took his wife to doctor appointments and attended family events with her. Wife died, he was there. Obit listed as husband, which he still was. Finally he's a widower who surprisingly!! has no intention of marrying KS, so they split. He's in her house and she can't get him out. She moved to a new place and at 75, looking about 90. She's now an alcoholic. Case #3 - Guy moved in with divorcee, fun and good times with her young family. Can't get him to commit but this love of a lifetime will work out. One day he shows up, packs all his things, walks out without a word. She hears the gossip; he moved back in with his ex, who she thought was out of the picture but never was.
A side piece is what they used to call it.
"But it's different with us!"
Usually it isn't. That's sad.
Never be a side piece for a man no matter what age. He never got a divorce so he is still legally obligated to his wife. Vows say; "In sickness and in health."
Your first sentence is brilliant! I so agree with never giving a ‘boyfriend’ husband privileges.
Sometimes, women get caught up in their own little dream world filled with delusional thoughts. Or perhaps they were deceived by a man that they were attracted to.
Even if a woman makes the mistake of giving a ‘boyfriend’ husband privileges, she can still take control and can turn it around and walk out of a situation that is destructive to her well being.
I am a big proponent of walking away and have a person who shouldn’t be in our lives, becoming nothing more than a distant memory.
We've read stories here of divorced people who STILL care for their exes out of love and a sense of caring after a lifetime of togetherness and memories. 18 months of fun cannot and will not override 30 years of marriage, in many cases, especially since he's still married. If he has any sense of decency about him at all, he's doing the right thing by caring for her now. As it currently stands, he's having an affair with you and his allegiance is to his wife.
BUT:
1) There was 30 years of separate living (and many problems), not a fairly smooth slide from marriage to separation. And of course the divorce (though admittedly that took 10 years because I refused to do the legal work for free and pay for half the costs).
2) After seeing him, I left and went home to my own life. I never stayed in his home or his daily life when he was ill.
Your BF has regressed to being a married man in a marriage that’s got problems. You have regressed to being a girlfriend on the side, hoping that you may turn into Wife Number 2 at some time in the future. You have no real links except getting on well with him (which is normal for a GF on the side).
Is this what you expected? Is it where you want to be? Step back and look at what is now a different relationship. Would you ever have taken it on willingly?
There really isn't anything you can do and I'm sorry to say that. He has to make a decision. Either he's going to get on with his life as he planned. Or he's going to be a martyr and become a care slave to the wife he was going to divorce.
You can still have a relationship with him, but it has to be on your terms.
Many former spouses help take care of an ex when they are sick. I did caregiving for my ex-husband when he was ill and I was remarried to someone else. Nothing wrong with that.
When you're dealing with it being Alzheimer's and dementia the taking care of them can go on for years. Even decades.
How many of your good and retirement years do you want to spend with a man who will not be able to be a good companion to you?
One who will not be able to share a home with you, or take trips together, or socialize, or even just go to dinner with you unless he arranges ahead of time for someone to babysit his wife with Alzheimer's.
You and your boyfriend have a lot to think about and talk about. You know what they say though. There's better fish in the sea than have ever been caught.
At this point in your life, you should be enjoying your life. Don't waste it on a man who won't make a commitment to you.
Thank you for your kind response
you are on point.
I really should have pressed for something more firm - I’m afraid I’m one of those ‘I want it to come from him so I know he really wants it’ girls. He asked me not to push and so I didn’t. But that was along time ago and I should have thrown that back onto the table. I know he loves me deeply it shows every day in his actions. But yea. We must now talk if it. :(. I hope he can help his wife, AND do right by me.
thanks again.
best answer award.
Don’t give it a lot of time for him to figure out how to get care for his wife that doesn’t impede on your relationship , or include him doing the caregiving . Otherwise . I would walk .
She will be going into a memory care facility. But she’s not there yet. And I hope he waits until she has lost familiarity with her own house. Unless she’s unsafe before that. He agrees with me about getting home care. They can afford it so I think it’s the kinder thing to do. I’ve been thru this with my mother.
But what to do about this divorce thing???? I do know she has to be of sound mind. Or later he will have to give his POA over to someone else to rep her in divorce. What a sad mess
…. I regret pushing him but I said I would not.
We can’t possibly put together a puzzle if we don’t have all the pieces.
Go directly to your partner to get your answers. He is the only one that can accurately tell you how he feels about this situation.
Hopefully, your partner will be honest with you about his plans. Then, you can plan your next steps accordingly.
Personally, I would leave his children out of the equation. This situation is something that is between you and your partner.
Neither of you have the right to decide how much his children should be involved in the care of their mother.
His children are capable of deciding for themselves how involved they wish to be. Their wishes should be respected by you and their father.
Life is never simple. There will always be challenging times.
Honestly, I don’t think you went into this relationship with your eyes completely open. Open them now, talk to your partner about this situation and anything else that is important to you.
Please don’t make assumptions about your future with this man based on being with him for only eighteen months.
You’re not married to him. He’s legally married to another woman, even if he isn’t living with her. I would be asking myself, why hasn’t he divorced his wife if he wants a future with you?
so many people have focused on this legal aspect with no help on the information I was seeking to begin with.
please read the answer I gave to Southerwaver, 97yr old mom and Alvadeer ( in that order scrolling back).
thanks again
That should give you an idea of where you stand in this scenario.
I am not American and where I come from, legally marrying is often bypassed. We live together as committed partners and we have children etc.
So, I did not feel like the Other Woman. We have plans for the future and he was always the one discussing the furure - not me. He is a reasonable thoughtful person and treats me like a queen. Some are scoffing at this sentence because how can I feel like a queen while he is married to someone else? Because he is married on paper only. I know what those legal ramifications are and yes I’d like him to get unmarried. But that doesn’t negate our relationship.
BUT….Perhaps I have failed myself in not insisting on an explanation as to why he didn't make a move towards making this legal. I did just assume that’s what he do eventually bc he said was at peace with his move; they had done a great job raising a family but they no longer wanted the same things in life and he was done and ready to move on. I never asked him - he volunteered this info several times.
and I know he’s allergic to paperwork and complication (fact but def not an excuse!). So I cut him some slack and didn’t push.
my mistake. I deserved an explanation and some kind of plan of a time line.
why didn’t she file? I know she didn’t want to divorce. Status quo - what wld the neighbours think? Quite selfish of her considering she was quite happy to have him leave - oh yes, have a nice life, but I don’t want you to be free. She didn’t want anything to do with him - including groceries or cooking or eating meals together or conversing .. and no intimacy at all. A lot of older marriages are sexless - many of my friends - but they love each other and are good companions and there is intimacy that way with hugs a being together. They had none of that at all. She wouldn’t even put sun tan lotion on him!!!
so ya, move out, have sex but you can’t have a future with someone bc I don’t want to get divorced. WT*?
of course it only takes one person to file and get divorced so she can’t stop him but he just kept avoiding it and I know he didn’t want hurt her feelings. Which is SO WEAK. I admit. His one and only fault. The dear man never wants to hurt anyone.
so that’s why…..
There is a reason he didn't file for divorce as soon as he moved out. It's not like a to-do list... Grocery store, get gas in car, file for divorce. Filing takes effort. Like it's a chore he never got around to doing. He may have left the wife with an impression that this was just a separation, be it on purpose or from her not understanding. Me, I'd demand he at the very least file for divorce before making any commitment.
I do see why he looks after her. Especially with her being the mother of his kids. Example: my in-laws divorced in 1975. The father remarried. When my MIL died suddenly, we called to tell him. He broke down and cried. Even with the love lost, he respected my MIL as the mother of his sons and always spoke highly of her.
He said he worried what his kids would think if their mother overdoses because he wasn't there. Are the kids mad at him, you, or both? Parents breaking up is hard, whether the kids are little or grown adults. If the kids are mad about that, they probably are even more mad at YOU. So it kinda sounds like your boyfriend is still doing damage control with the kids. Like it or not, you are still the 'other woman'. You say you're like two peas in a pod. I'm sure it feels that way, but the fact is he stepped out on his marriage. What would stop him from stepping out on you later? The odds aren't in your favor here. I'm going to predict that he will eventually move back in with her. Not to rekindle the marriage, but as a caregiver. Doesn't mean he will dump you; it's that he sees his wife needing him. He'll expect you to wait in the wings until she dies.
There's little you can do on your end to change his mind. He still has one foot in the door of the wife's house. You see him as a “life partner”. He may not see it that way.
This is a heartbreaking story. Alzheimer’s is such a beast. We know that it is reported that sometimes as long as 10 years before diagnosis the symptoms have been developing. Sometimes, perhaps even often, change in intimacy is a symptom. Five years ago we were going into a pandemic that shook the world.
We all lost our minds to one degree or another. The fallout will continue forever. Then for this family, and many others affected by shootings, disease, opioids, etc. the pain is magnified.
The father, husband, goes AWOL for 18 months until what? He is just now hearing that his wife has been diagnosed and he’s gone home to administer antibiotics? That sounds a bit weak. But truth is stranger than fiction we are told.
In all this talk of lack of boundaries and sacrifice and guides and responsibility there are a few known facts that stand out.
The man in question is married, has been for 30 years, still is and finally appears to be setting boundaries for his own conduct and accepting responsibility for the family he has spent 30 years building.
He may have strayed, the kids may not forgive him, but he is so needed where he is that I can’t help but wish for this family a semblance of normalcy in the most basic of ways.
A true, legal, tenured partner tending his sick wife, a father setting an example of what it means to make a commitment to a family and not expecting his children to carry his water.
A clear head to manage the maze of Alzheimer’s and care for a wife that though diagnosed with a terminal illness could live another 20 to 30 years.
A relationship is more than a case of “finders keepers, losers weepers”.
There is no idyllic outcome here.
The true baggage of what comes with Prince Charming must be dealt with and by now you are most likely waking to that reality.
Even if he wanted to run away with you, which it doesn’t appear he wants to, his finances are tied up and he must not be willing to just live on love, right?
There is always a book in my world that needs to be read for almost any problem as most problems have been experienced and this one is no different.
Only your pain is fresh.
The book that comes to mind is a quick read. “How to Survive the Loss of a Love” by Peter McWilliams. Read it now for the loss of the glow on the last 18 months. You can decide later on if it was an illusion all along.
Start there.
Understand that it is never the other person who “must” this or that. It is always we, in this case you, who “must” establish boundaries, be responsible, not be a martyr etc etc.
The guide you are looking for was there all along, knowing he was a married man. I know that’s not convenient but it still matters to some, hopefully most.
What comes next remains to be seen and Medicare covers therapy.
My lovely man is financially more than comfortable and his wife has her own great pension - nobody is going to financially suffer or lose out here in the case of divorce. They earned equal incomes throughout their careers.
The Children are long gone and were not surprised or angry or upset about the split.
Yes he is stepping up and doing the right thing…. Is there any material he can read … or advice from anyone as to how to balance ensuring her care and safety while in another relationship?
Is there a difference between my bf caring about and helping wife
and my husband caring and helping his ex wife?
I was hoping to hear from some people how they or their spouse or GF/BF handled helping an ex (a legal divorced ex or a separated ex). Morally, it’s all the same to me especially if that person had no other family and they had children together
thank you :)
Some twenty individuals have responded to you, taking their time to give you some input.
Can you reassure us that you are still engaged with the Forum, and digesting the input? Would love to hear your second thoughts, if there are some.
I am appreciative of all the comments - it’s so helpful to hear so many POVs
i am still digesting all of this
It’s also difficult to give all the detail of the trajectory of our relationship which has great bearing on the situation.
I was surprised to see so much focus on the legal status. On the one hand, yes, he is married and that trumps all and he is doing the right thing etc. On the other hand, he was very clear about the finality of the marriage and( without any prompting from me had stated he would never be going back, they agreed it had run its course and he had already moved on.
Perhaps I have failed myself in not insisting on an explanation as to why he didn't make a move towards making this legal.
I am not American and where I come from, legally marrying is often bypassed. We live together as committed partners and we have children etc.
So, I did not feel like the Other Woman. We have plans for the future and he was always the one discussing the furure - not me. He is a reasonable thoughtful person and treats me like a queen. Some are scoffing at this sentence because how can I feel like a queen while he is married to someone else? Because he is married on paper only. I know what those legal ramifications are and yes I’d like him to get unmarried. But that doesn’t negate our relationship.
I was hoping for some guidance and support on his behalf so that he could feel like it’s ok to not be on a 24 hour watch, that it’s ok to ask for a BIT of help from a grown daughter
and that he shouldn’t feel guilty about going home at night to where he actually lives…. She still drives and is of sound mind - she is having memory issues at present - and he’s worried about her messing up her meds. I also think - which no one has picked up on - that it could be confusing and unfair to her to suddenly be there for 2 weeks and then just as suddenly not be once he’s gotten her through this medication issue. Maybe I’m being too reactive myself - he just needs some time to get her set up better - pill dispenser with an alarm and some outside help etc. and that does take time to arrange. I’m familiar with dementia.
So In fact, the question I asked was not to solicit comments about the nature of our relationship, but to hear some helpful tips to guide him in this delicate situation - duty to his wife which I do not begrudge him while maintaining some sense of his own new life with the person he wants to have a future life with.
I would expect him to treat her with the same regard even if they were divorced.
for example… I think he should go home at night and not sleep there just bc it’s more convenient than going home at 11:00 and driving back at 7:00am. I have absolutely no fear of any intimacy between them. I 150% trust him. I know the house and I know where he sleeps. This is about maintaining boundaries so that she understands why he is there and why he goes home at night. She doesn’t retain new information well and is forgetting some events from the not so distant past.
thank you for your kind and thoughtful answer. I have read a few other good answers and will reply to them as well.
if possible I will direct them to read this response to your email
Thank you very much
Before he got involved with you he should have divorced first.
Judging from his behavior he will not be leaving his wife.
You should plan your life accordingly.
Could you ever behave the way your boyfriend has? If you were married to someone and that marriage was over, how would you handle it?
Would you start a relationship with someone else without getting a divorce first or would you get divorced first and then move on?
I can’t imagine being married and starting another relationship with someone else. I wouldn’t feel that it was fair to anyone involved.
You’re being used by this guy. Find a man that is free to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Tell this guy to get a divorce or go back to his wife.
I am curious why you were attracted to this man in the first place? Did you know that he was married? Were you deceived by him? Did he not tell you that he was married when you met him?
I think the added information she gives us there about this gentleman, about who he is gives a different perspective.
At this point it's just my humble opinion that this relationship WAS over. Whether because of his children or otherwise, he just never did the divorce. Because her own culture would say little in that direction our OP was comfortable with that.
I think possibly this gentleman feels a real obligation to see his first wife through this, not only for her sake but the sake of the children.
And I think he does look forward to a future with his new love. And think that her behaving utterly honorably in terms of the first wife, who now is faced with the loss of her very SELF, would give some chance to a good relationship with this gentleman's children going forward.
For what it is worth.
And I SURELY do appreciate the OPs response to us with her added information.
I think it is of great value in this situation, so would ask responders to read it below.
Why hang onto a dead marriage? Why not show the new woman in his life that he respects her by getting a divorce?
I would be asking myself why wouldn’t he want to get a divorce so that he could be with me free and clear of a complicated relationship.
You were hoping for guidance from us on how to help your bf set boundaries with his wife about what he will and won't do for her. That's up to HIM to decide how much he's willing to do. He can't demand his daughter take care of her mother to free him up! She likely has a life of her own, a job, maybe children and a husband etc.
Since they're not divorced, their finances are not separate. Bf can use their money to hire in home help to replace his presence. It's very costly, however. Just another good reason why, in the USA, divorce is necessary when a marriage is over. To protect assets and not have one partners money lost to caregiving of the other.
Married "on paper only" STILL means he's married. And he's still acting married by attending to his wife and sleeping at their home at this point in her disease? Alzheimer's can go on for 20 years. I personally think YOU should ask HIM what his intentions are moving forward! What exactly does he plan to do for his wife, does he plan to move in with her full time now and see you occasionally, or what? He needs a solid plan here. If he wings it, he'll be with her 24/7.
The "guidance" comes from his heart, nowhere else. Nobody can tell him what's right or wrong to do in this situation to make everyone happy, it doesn't work that way. Let HIM figure out what to do and let you know. It's about all you CAN do at this point. If his terms are acceptable to you, great. If not, move on.
A disease like AD can throw a big monkey wrench into getting a divorce or separating lives after 30 years. He may want to speak with an Elder Care attorney for some REAL guidance here, and legal ramifications about when it becomes too late TO divorce when AD is in the picture.