My mom passed away 5 weeks ago. It wasn't unexpected, but it wasn't imminent, as far as we knew. I had seen her the week before she died, she did comment that she felt 'foggy' and tired, but that was normal for her, at age 92.
She did die quickly and alone, which is what she wanted.
She lived in YB's house and he began to clean her apartment as soon as they had taken her to the mortuary. We sibs met up at the house the next morning, not even 24 hrs later, and YB had bagged up 80% of her stuff and hauled it to the dump. Wow. That's NOT what we sibs spoke of doing, so we were all on edge. YB said "I am POA and this is my job". He was beyond frantic, and I took hold of him and said "Your JOB as POA is OVER. Rick is executor and he needs to be in control. Please let him do his job. Please let us help."
He did calm down a little, but was still very, very frantic and he was hauling furniture out and making rapid, thoughtless decisions.
I realize that after caring for mom, a fairly difficult person to deal with, for 24 years. We were all grieving. My YS was almost hysterical with grief. I just wanted to make sure that mom's things were given to those to whom she'd left them.
We handled the funeral as she would have wanted. Lovely flowers, short service and a super short interment as it was 107 degrees that day.
We'd planned to go back to mom's a week after the funeral and finish (as a family) all the culling and packing. I went up a day early and her place was empty except for tons of books which were being boxed for the Sr Center. My poor YS was falling apart again, she was so upset and so angry.
YB is bossy as all get out, but he DID take on mom's care and refused help from any of us. For that, I am truly grateful.
BUT he has acted as if he were 100% in charge and although my OTHER brother is now in charge, he is also a non-confrontational guy and will not engage in conflict.
I thought I was doing pretty well. I had to have a cardiac ablation the week after the funeral. It was something I simply wasn't going to put off another day. I have not been back to mom's for 3 weeks, healing from this procedure.
I've been having nightmares and anxiety attacks, which are made much worse when I spend any length of time with YB. So I've stayed away.
I have not cried much, nor felt much. I wasn't close to mom and I am a sensitive person--so to lose a parent but feel nothing, really, seems 'wrong'. I was a little bluesy-blue a week ago and couldn't shake it. DH asked 'what is WRONG with you?" and I said "I think I am just grieving, IDK" and he looked at me and said "What are you grieving about?" He literally had FORGOTTEN that mom had died. Told me to 'get over it'.
I can't seem to step out of this weird feeling. I was not on really good terms with mom before she died. She was a trigger for me and most of my visits with her ended in me driving home, crying.
Is this normal? Or is anything normal? I'll never have closure on some important things and that is bothering me. I'm a little angry that YB turned into a bully when we needed him to be kind and sensitive. I'm hurting for my YS who was mom's absolute favorite.
Maybe when the estate is closed out, I will feel some peace. I'm not taking my inheritance, feeling that I do not deserve it and YB could really benefit.
Just rambling. I can usually GIVE advice. I just seem lost right now.
Many times your articulate thoughtful words on this forum have been of comfort to me.
I wish you peace and comfort.
I am already on antidepressants and antianxiety meds--in fact, my psychiatrist had just begun making me taper off the anti anxiety meds and when I needed them most--I had to be the most scrupulous in taking them.
Took a long drive today to see the mountains in full Fall glory with Dh and we were able to talk--he wasn't working! Then we stopped for a wonderful dinner at an out of the way café and it was fabulous.
I think my sleepathon yesterday kind of scared him. He KNOWS he should step up and be kinder, but it's just not in his nature, and as I posted before, he hadn't even SEEN mom in years, so to him, nothing has changed. I'm NOT a crier, so when I do, he just falls to pieces, so I tend to withdraw when I'm down. Probably not the best way to handle this, but it's me.
Part of what is hanging on is this: I was super close to my dad, and when he died, I actually felt CLOSER to him, like his spirit was now free from his sick, worn body. I have felt close to him when I needed that boost.
Since mom died, I have felt absolutely nothing. I guess I expected to have the same 'after death' relationship with her, and maybe, eventually I will. Just not today and probably not tomorrow.
I do have an appt with my therapist and I know she will help me. Also, now I have no caregiving worries with mom, I can focus a little on myself and the things I like to do. I have come to realize that although I didn't THINK I was doing much to help--I really was, and I can't say I will miss it, but I can say it is a change and I don't do change well.
Some days are fine and some days are exhausting to keep up the 'front'. None of my kids were close to mom, so they also don't feel any sense of loss. She never even MET the raccoon and that is a tragedy, he's so charming and destructive. Her choice, not mine, but I do grieve for her not wanting to have the greats in her life.
I guess it's little griefs like that, that keep popping in my head. I am virtually alone in this loss. Haven't talked to anyone but YB who has kept me apprised of the disposition of mom's will.
I don't want my nuclear family to fracture--but I think it will. Honestly, it really is up to me. OS and YS don't care and the boys are boys...kind of clueless and honestly, YB who cared for mom needs a vacation! I'm hoping the influx of $$ will help him heal. Guess we'll see!
I called my OS to say 'hi' and check in with her, as she had taken her entire family on a 10 day Carribean cruise and I wanted to see how it went. (I call HER, she never calls me--too busy).
I mentioned to her that I was feeling kind of blue and also how mom had laid the responsibility on me to keep us sibs and our families close once she was gone.
I hear a deep sigh on the other end of the phone. Sis replies "Look, I have my hands full with my kids and grandkids. I don't WANT to try to organize ANYTHING EVER with the family, If it happens, it happens. You'll burn yourself up trying to make us do what nobody wants to do. Don't bother trying to include us."
OK. Don't mince words, sis.
Only took 7 weeks for the family to break off into pieces. Oh well. I'm not surprised, but I am sad.
Yes, OS was harsh. But boy was she right. She knows she can't stop you trying but she has given you an absolute directive that you are not to try on her account.
And why are you trying to do this impossible thing? Because your mother laid it on you as a responsibility.
Your mother died less than two months ago after 92 years on the planet, and you would not be normal if you did not feel the loss. Only, as we hope she is resting in peace, perhaps we can hope that you can find peace too?
By the way - bollocks to giving up any inheritance that your complicated mother all the same did leave to you. Don't be sentimental. At least put it by and think it through for, say, 12 months. YB made his own choices and at the moment you're forgetting how unpleasant some of them were for you.
Now mom is gone, he can focus on his own health (which is terrible). He's needed a knee replacement and has put it off for years b/c he felt he couldn't take the 6+ weeks to recoup. (He could have, mom just leaned on him so much.)
You were close to your father. Did he know about the abuse from your older brother?
Do you think OS is correct that no one wants to maintain relationships? Did she perhaps lay it on you because she knew no one else cared?
I promised her I would 'try' but she knew how hard that it is to do.
I'm at peace with the fact that I cannot make miracles happen.
I'm happy for you that you had a good time with hub.
Like Maya Angelou said. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them"
While trying to keep the family together is a wonderful thought I think you should just concentrate on what you can control.
I have heard that quote by Maya Angelou and it is lovely and apt. I sure can't control my family, so I will cease even trying.
It is a loss with another layer of a loss.
I would have been stunned and angry too - mixed in with grief. I understand that you feel lost now. Give yourself as much time to heal as you need . . . be in the present; do not judge your feelings. Acknowledge them.
Take care of yourself with loving kindness.
For me, forgiving the behavior of another helps me release the negativity / anger I hold. It doesn't do anything necessarily for the other person. You need to do what will support you to heal.
It isn't a matter of getting over it; it is a process of healing through it.
And, there are NO 'shoulds.' If you self-talk like this, take a step back and realize you feel as you feel. He did what he did. (And, yes, he shouldn't have done what he did... and this is about you and your feelings.).
Gena Galenski
Touch Matters
Went to YB's home where mother lived to get some things that were too large to fit in my car, and found out that YB had simply thrown them away. It was actually something I WANTED, as opposed to the things that I took, simply b/c nobody else wanted them and I have already donated them to GoodWill.
My YB is not doing well, emotionally, and I reached out to him to ask him where these things were (he KNEW, without question) that these were things I wanted, and I simply had to have all of my car's small backseat to fit this in. He said "You never came and got them so I threw them away." I said "You could have TEXTED me to come and get them." I had heart surgery right after mom's death and I have been recovering from that. Wasn't allowed to lift anything over 5 lbs and this was pretty heavy.
I did cry over this, it was just a 'thing' but I wanted it and he knew it. Sometimes he is such a jerk. He needs therapy like, for the last 40 years, but he's one of those 'I'm great, you're the problem' kind of guys.
BTW, he STILL has not rehomed mom's gross birds which caused a household completely filled with moths. He's so lazy in some regards and so hyper in others. He never will do it, I know.
Stuff like this will come up. I am feeling better, as a general rule and hope that each day brings more joy. I've been massively depressed and having to push myself through every day. I know that's normal, but it stinks.
You’re grieving, a little shocked, and stressed out. These are legit issues and serious as any medical problems.
It’s nothing to trivialize.
Also, it’s crappy that your husband was so unsupportive.
He has no feelings for his own mother and was not close to mine by any stretch of the imagination. He had not even SEEN her for over 4 years, so her death did not even resonate with him. He thinks I need to be 100% 'fine' all the time. Just cannot deal with me being human. It's not new and so when people comment on the lack of support, I am always taken aback. It's just how he is.
Then he'll suddenly realize why I am a little sad, or down and he tries to compensate. He just really got screwed in the parental department--his own mom is a witch and was extremely abusive to him. Doesn't matter that he's over 70--she still makes him feel about 2 years old. He is really 'afraid' of my emotions, TBH. And I am generally a calm person and ask nothing of him. (This was what the takeaway from marriage counseling)
My neighbors of 4 months! have been far more kind and thoughtful to me than he has been. It's nice of them and I appreciate it a lot.
I’m sorry that your brother threw away the item he knew you wanted. You deserve better.
You had HEART SURGERY, for goodness’ sake! I’d like to give him a smack, for being so unthoughtful of you.
Yes, you deserve better. 💛
It's gone, and it is what it is. Funny, I have very few things I feel sentimental about, but this was something I had made and had in my flower garden for about 15 years. Concrete hand poured 'poetry stones'. It took forever to make them and they were definitely one of a kind. I still have the templates and such with which to make new ones--but it's not the same.
I'll forgive him. Gotta remember not to trust him, though.
The poem went like this:
"The way a crow shook down on me
A dust of snow, from a hemlock tree
Has given my heart a change of mood
And saved some part of a day
I had rued".
Robert Frost
All my grands miss it from the old house. They loved it.
Ah well--life goes on and I have to deal with it.