Is this grief or should I just "get over it"?

True--shame on him, but I understand his thinking process. He NEEDS to remove all evidence of mom's life with them--and he is struggling a lot. He will never rehome those gross birds and yes, it's tantamount to animal abuse, but I can't care. The items he had were actually things he had brought to HIS house from MY old house while we were moving. (His son bought our home and kind of 'pushed us' out--they wanted to get into the house as quickly as possible, so YB took some stuff to store at his house (without my knowledge.)

It's gone, and it is what it is. Funny, I have very few things I feel sentimental about, but this was something I had made and had in my flower garden for about 15 years. Concrete hand poured 'poetry stones'. It took forever to make them and they were definitely one of a kind. I still have the templates and such with which to make new ones--but it's not the same.

I'll forgive him. Gotta remember not to trust him, though.

The poem went like this:
"The way a crow shook down on me
A dust of snow, from a hemlock tree
Has given my heart a change of mood
And saved some part of a day
I had rued".
Robert Frost

All my grands miss it from the old house. They loved it.

Ah well--life goes on and I have to deal with it.

Midkid58: So sorry about that.

(((((((hugs))))) mid. I'm sorry. YB is not handling things well, but that is no surprise is it? The birds stay??? I hope he takes more care of them than your mum did.

Yes, you deserve better. 💛

Mid,
I’m sorry that your brother threw away the item he knew you wanted. You deserve better.

You had HEART SURGERY, for goodness’ sake! I’d like to give him a smack, for being so unthoughtful of you.

Yeah, I know.

He has no feelings for his own mother and was not close to mine by any stretch of the imagination. He had not even SEEN her for over 4 years, so her death did not even resonate with him. He thinks I need to be 100% 'fine' all the time. Just cannot deal with me being human. It's not new and so when people comment on the lack of support, I am always taken aback. It's just how he is.

Then he'll suddenly realize why I am a little sad, or down and he tries to compensate. He just really got screwed in the parental department--his own mom is a witch and was extremely abusive to him. Doesn't matter that he's over 70--she still makes him feel about 2 years old. He is really 'afraid' of my emotions, TBH. And I am generally a calm person and ask nothing of him. (This was what the takeaway from marriage counseling)

My neighbors of 4 months! have been far more kind and thoughtful to me than he has been. It's nice of them and I appreciate it a lot.

“Bluesy-blue” makes it sound like you’re having a rainy Monday.

You’re grieving, a little shocked, and stressed out. These are legit issues and serious as any medical problems.
It’s nothing to trivialize.

Also, it’s crappy that your husband was so unsupportive.

Time is passing and I can see a 'change' in my mindset. We still haven't got the estate completely done (YB is Executor and he doesn't share much info with the rest of us.) I will feel better when it's all been put to bed, so to speak.

Went to YB's home where mother lived to get some things that were too large to fit in my car, and found out that YB had simply thrown them away. It was actually something I WANTED, as opposed to the things that I took, simply b/c nobody else wanted them and I have already donated them to GoodWill.

My YB is not doing well, emotionally, and I reached out to him to ask him where these things were (he KNEW, without question) that these were things I wanted, and I simply had to have all of my car's small backseat to fit this in. He said "You never came and got them so I threw them away." I said "You could have TEXTED me to come and get them." I had heart surgery right after mom's death and I have been recovering from that. Wasn't allowed to lift anything over 5 lbs and this was pretty heavy.

I did cry over this, it was just a 'thing' but I wanted it and he knew it. Sometimes he is such a jerk. He needs therapy like, for the last 40 years, but he's one of those 'I'm great, you're the problem' kind of guys.

BTW, he STILL has not rehomed mom's gross birds which caused a household completely filled with moths. He's so lazy in some regards and so hyper in others. He never will do it, I know.

Stuff like this will come up. I am feeling better, as a general rule and hope that each day brings more joy. I've been massively depressed and having to push myself through every day. I know that's normal, but it stinks.

Grief is grief and to be honored. It is how you feel.
It is a loss with another layer of a loss.
I would have been stunned and angry too - mixed in with grief. I understand that you feel lost now. Give yourself as much time to heal as you need . . . be in the present; do not judge your feelings. Acknowledge them.
Take care of yourself with loving kindness.
For me, forgiving the behavior of another helps me release the negativity / anger I hold. It doesn't do anything necessarily for the other person. You need to do what will support you to heal.

It isn't a matter of getting over it; it is a process of healing through it.

And, there are NO 'shoulds.' If you self-talk like this, take a step back and realize you feel as you feel. He did what he did. (And, yes, he shouldn't have done what he did... and this is about you and your feelings.).

Gena Galenski
Touch Matters

Thanks again--I have really appreciated the comments everyone has made. It has helped me to step outside my own pain and see that it's time to focus on MY family and not fuss my nuclear one.

I have heard that quote by Maya Angelou and it is lovely and apt. I sure can't control my family, so I will cease even trying.

Midkid, I agree with what others have said. Your OS was harsh but it sounds like she said it in no uncertain terms.

Like Maya Angelou said. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

While trying to keep the family together is a wonderful thought I think you should just concentrate on what you can control.

(((((((mid))))) You can't fix the family. It's broken and has been for a long time. Concentrate on the things and people in your life that work for you... and...grieve your losses. I know it is painful.

I'm happy for you that you had a good time with hub.

When did your mother lay the responsibility on you to keep your family close?

You were close to your father. Did he know about the abuse from your older brother?

Do you think OS is correct that no one wants to maintain relationships? Did she perhaps lay it on you because she knew no one else cared?

"You'll burn yourself up trying to make us do what nobody wants to do."

Yes, OS was harsh. But boy was she right. She knows she can't stop you trying but she has given you an absolute directive that you are not to try on her account.

And why are you trying to do this impossible thing? Because your mother laid it on you as a responsibility.

Your mother died less than two months ago after 92 years on the planet, and you would not be normal if you did not feel the loss. Only, as we hope she is resting in peace, perhaps we can hope that you can find peace too?

By the way - bollocks to giving up any inheritance that your complicated mother all the same did leave to you. Don't be sentimental. At least put it by and think it through for, say, 12 months. YB made his own choices and at the moment you're forgetting how unpleasant some of them were for you.

midkid - when someone passes, which is the primary loss, there are secondary losses too. It is not unusual for families to fracture after a death. Knowing that doesn't make it any less painful, I realize. I am sorry that you got brushed off by your OS. I am sorry that your family, for the most part, is not there to support you. Grief is a lonely business. (((((((hugs))))))

Ah, me again.

I called my OS to say 'hi' and check in with her, as she had taken her entire family on a 10 day Carribean cruise and I wanted to see how it went. (I call HER, she never calls me--too busy).

I mentioned to her that I was feeling kind of blue and also how mom had laid the responsibility on me to keep us sibs and our families close once she was gone.

I hear a deep sigh on the other end of the phone. Sis replies "Look, I have my hands full with my kids and grandkids. I don't WANT to try to organize ANYTHING EVER with the family, If it happens, it happens. You'll burn yourself up trying to make us do what nobody wants to do. Don't bother trying to include us."

OK. Don't mince words, sis.

Only took 7 weeks for the family to break off into pieces. Oh well. I'm not surprised, but I am sad.

Thanks again--you wonderful people!

I am already on antidepressants and antianxiety meds--in fact, my psychiatrist had just begun making me taper off the anti anxiety meds and when I needed them most--I had to be the most scrupulous in taking them.

Took a long drive today to see the mountains in full Fall glory with Dh and we were able to talk--he wasn't working! Then we stopped for a wonderful dinner at an out of the way café and it was fabulous.

I think my sleepathon yesterday kind of scared him. He KNOWS he should step up and be kinder, but it's just not in his nature, and as I posted before, he hadn't even SEEN mom in years, so to him, nothing has changed. I'm NOT a crier, so when I do, he just falls to pieces, so I tend to withdraw when I'm down. Probably not the best way to handle this, but it's me.

Part of what is hanging on is this: I was super close to my dad, and when he died, I actually felt CLOSER to him, like his spirit was now free from his sick, worn body. I have felt close to him when I needed that boost.

Since mom died, I have felt absolutely nothing. I guess I expected to have the same 'after death' relationship with her, and maybe, eventually I will. Just not today and probably not tomorrow.

I do have an appt with my therapist and I know she will help me. Also, now I have no caregiving worries with mom, I can focus a little on myself and the things I like to do. I have come to realize that although I didn't THINK I was doing much to help--I really was, and I can't say I will miss it, but I can say it is a change and I don't do change well.

Some days are fine and some days are exhausting to keep up the 'front'. None of my kids were close to mom, so they also don't feel any sense of loss. She never even MET the raccoon and that is a tragedy, he's so charming and destructive. Her choice, not mine, but I do grieve for her not wanting to have the greats in her life.

I guess it's little griefs like that, that keep popping in my head. I am virtually alone in this loss. Haven't talked to anyone but YB who has kept me apprised of the disposition of mom's will.

I don't want my nuclear family to fracture--but I think it will. Honestly, it really is up to me. OS and YS don't care and the boys are boys...kind of clueless and honestly, YB who cared for mom needs a vacation! I'm hoping the influx of $$ will help him heal. Guess we'll see!

Midkid- just want to say so sorry about the loss of your mom.
Many times your articulate thoughtful words on this forum have been of comfort to me.
I wish you peace and comfort.

Midkid58: I am so very sorry to read that your mother has passed away. After my mother died, with whom I lived with out of state, I sought short term counseling including anti anxiety medication. When I started crying openly in church when signing a hymn that my mother liked, I knew it was time to seek professional help. Perhaps you could benefit from seeing a counselor. Perhaps your brother was a bit overzealous in organizing your mother's possessions and I am sorry about that. The remarks your husband made were callous and unwarranted to say to his beloved wife, who had just lost her mother. Deepest condolences. It's so incredibly difficult to lose your mother.

Grief counseling alone, and with the group, may be very beneficial for all........look for a Geriatric Psychiatrist to oversee a healthy grief counseling process and who is permitted to write prescriptions if necessary.

Grief is different for each person, so it's very important to calm those who are reacting with anger and delusions of grandeur.

(copy and paste) - https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

It is very normal to feel numb after someone close dies, and there is a period of shock at the loss, Whether the relationship was positive or negative, there was significant emotion involved, and suddenly it is not there.
There is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel. You do NOT need to "get over it." Your mother has not stopped being dead.
Take as long as you want to to process your emotions. Pay attention to what you are feeling or not feeling when the thoughts come to you. Do not push them away. Think them through as you choose and then continue with your day.
You will always carry the grief with you in whatever form it takes, but grief is not the entirety of who you are.

Thank you Iameli,

I do have a counselor and have an appt with her in about a month. And on her cancellation list, so I will get in sooner.

Everyday is a new day with new feelings and emotions to deal with. I babysat for the raccoon and came home from that and literally went to bed at 4 pm and was down for the night. I always feel that if I can sleep like that--I must need it. Since I had cancer, these epic 'sleep-a-thons' have been more a part of my life. When you are asleep, it's like your brain cleans itself out.

One day at a time! The will has been dealt with, the money is all ready to be disbursed, next week, one day we'll get together. IDK, I don't think YS will come, she'll take her check and I won't see her for years.

I know that one of the things I'm grieving is the 'glue' that held the sibs together. That was mom. Now she's gone, there's no purpose in trying to maintain contact. It's just an odd feeling, is all.

I'll continue to reach out monthly to my sibs and stay in touch vis email, but I don't expect to see them much.

Again--to all of you--thank you so much!!

I'm so sorry for your loss. You express yourself so well that it's no wonder your family members impulsively acting out, or the opposite, not accepting or expressing emotions, is frustrating. Between that and the health problems it must feel very disorienting. I hope you can find someone to confide in regularly, a counselor if possible. Is a vacation too much to hope for? Sounds like you could use one!

Thank you all again.

I was too 'meh' to get up and go to church this morning. Just...couldn't. And church is a big part of my life--that's where I am getting to know people and it's on me to reach out to meet my 'new' friends.

DH went to visit his mom. He feels so much guilt because he absolutely HATES going to see her, but she needs him for small fixit stuff and I know with my mom dying (his mom is the same age) he suddenly felt like 'oh this is going to happen to my mother, too.) He did give me a mini-lecture about my lack of a relationship with his mother, but, really? 5 weeks after mom dies and he wants me to go to his mother's and make small talk? She didn't even offer a word of condolence to me when mom passed. Actually, DH just wants me to be the 'buffer' between him and his mom, and I have done that for YEARS and won't do it again. He can only see his side of things--and if he wants to think I'm cold and uncaring, then he is welcome to do so.

Having a great win over USC last night was a spirit lifter. Made me realize I need to focus on the good in life. There's really nothing left to do for mom's estate. The geneaology records and stuff--I'm not bringing all that into my house. It's all digitized and these are the actual originals and just a waste of space. I think the one thing I CAN do is get mom's feral cockatiels re-homed. After YB's manic cleaning, he just...stopped. Those birds should have been gone immediately after mom died, that was her wish. PLUS, I am madly allergic to them, as is about half the family. YB went from manic to depressed in a couple of weeks. He'll actually feel better when he gets the inheritance. He does not know that we're gifting it to him. It was always my plan to do so and when I mentioned that to my OS, she said 'I'm going to do that too, $10K won't make a scrap of difference to us."

That should happen next week, there was no property, just a small savings, an annuity, and a life insurance policy. YB said it was simple to do.

Thank you again for all the sweet, calming thoughts. I am feeling like a lot of sleep is in order to help my brain (and quite literally, my heart!) heal. As my heart heals from the ablation, I can feel a slow rise in my emotions and physical well being. I hope that continues.

Everyone responds to death differently and grieve in their own way. I have been told that I am cold and uncaring because I didn't cry when either of my parents or my husband died. I did what had to be done and moved on. That's how I deal with most things. I grieve in my own way and it's not necessarily obvious to others. I'm not an overtly emotional person. Never have been.

Grieve how you want. It's up to you when it's over. You'll know.

SO many thanks to those of you who wrote such thoughtful, insightful and kind things to me. I see things a lot more clearly now, and am grateful to this community for your support. Talking to YOU has made me feel better.

I must add, in DH's defense, that he never really got to know my mom. We would go MONTHS and not see the folks, or I would take the kids alone. DH traveled about 75% of the time and so, he simply wasn't around! How can you have a relationship with someone you don't ever see or talk to?

Maybe women have to have those connections with people. DH has only a couple of friends and so when we moved to our new house, he simply had a different garage to pull into after work. Nothing for him has really changed. I was close with MANY people in our old neighborhood and trying to 'keep up' relationships AND trying to make new ones is flat out exhausting. Losing mom, and nobody really knowing about it, since obituaries are online--only very few people knew about it. None of my new neighbors do FB or know my maiden name, so they wouldn't have known.

He hadn't seen mother in over 2 years when she died, & due to covid, he never went to see HER and she was in YB induced lockdown for over 2 years. It would NEVER have occurred to him to call my mom--yet back in the day, when I was trying (pointlessly it seems) to have a relationship with his mom, I would call her weekly and make sure she had lovely gifts on Christmas, Mother's Day and her birthday. She, of course, assumed DH had chosen, purchased and wrapped all said gifts. Nope, not one.

So I can see why mom's death didn't impact him at all. She simply was never on his radar.

I'm going to YB's house to help cull through the remaining few things that are there. Mom had a ton of books and maybe there's some I want to read, IDK. There's nothing left in the apartment, and I kind of want some closure.

I know this will take time. I just hate that every day I feel different and unsettled, and that is normal.

Today I am making my granddaughter's Halloween costume and she is ecstatic to spend a day alone with me. That will lift my spirits, I know. And the Utah Utes play USC tonight so I can enjoy me some college football!

Of course you don't need to defend why you stay with your spouse.

I have an "annoying brother" at home too. I hear ya!

Once I had a bad fall off my bicycle. We went to the hospital. I was in the hallway with one of those neck braces they had put on me just to be cautious so I couldn't turn my head. My hubs had everyone in the waiting area practicing the eye chart they had on the wall. Yep, yep, yep.............His concern was shall we say underwhelming?

No, he did not stay at the hospital when I had my procedure. Dropped me off and went to breakfast. Honestly, I was so anxious having him there would have been worse.

He's the kind or person who needs to be TOLD in bold face letters, how you FEEL, what you NEED and you have to also repeat yourself. For some reason, today, he has been super sweet. I wrecked my back catching the raccoon as he leapt off the kitchen counter yesterday--so I have been in some major pain. Dh just doesn't do 'feelings'.

(FYI--the 'raccoon' is my 4 yo grandson who has no fear and no sense of boundaries. Jump into Nonny's waiting arms? Why NOT!)

I'm not going to defend why I stay with him--at 66 after major cancer TX and the heart thing--I'm not going to live 20 more years. We have 5 fantastic kids and 14 grands. I'm NOT breaking up this family b/c my DH is a thoughtless person. That decision was made and put to bed years ago and I'm not entertaining thoughts now. I have a few really good friends and a wonderful family. Most people I know pretty much just 'tolerate' their spouses by this stage in the game.

He's like an annoying brother to me. And that's OK.

I had a lot of nightmares & feelings of anxiety after mom died, for months, actually, and still (she died Feb 22nd) have dreams about her sometimes. Not good visitation type dreams, but disjointed and ugly dreams which are anxiety based in nature. And it's 8 months later. I also have a very supportive husband (who's helped me a LOT), who would never say things like "What are you grieving about" or "get over it", which is ridiculously cold and thoughtless for ANY 'loved one' to be saying to his wife after her mother died. I tell you, I'd have a Come To Jesus Meeting with the man he would NOT soon forget, in short order, b/c it's long overdue in my opinion. You need support now and this man has been everything BUT supportive to you for a very long time. When is it YOUR turn to get some empathy & love from him? Never? How about RIGHT NOW!

That said, you're grieving, you feel lost & lonely because who's there helping you through this? Nothing feels normal right now b/c your world has been shaken up. Your mother died. Whether you were 'close' or not doesn't really matter because your MOTHER DIED. She was the last layer of protection between you and facing your own death. While our parents were alive, we knew they'd die before we did. Technically, that's how life works. Once they're gone, we're next. That feeling is what sort of hits us in the face (whether we recognize it or not) and makes us feel weird, and then it's made worse by the fact that the woman who technically loved us unconditionally is now gone. We can never call her again for any reason, so that's gone, and we're on our own in life now. Even though we've BEEN on our own for decades, now it's official. You know what I mean? I don't know if I'm even making sense. But it's how I feel so maybe it's how you feel too.

I think it's important that your loved ones rally around you now and that your DH takes his head out of his arse and gives you some support & shows you some tenderness. Yes, you can get through this b/c you're tough & yada yada, but sometimes we feel like little girls again when things like this happen & we just need a HUG. A kiss. A shoulder to cry on. Someone telling us It Will Be Alright, You'll Get Through This. That's what a husband is for.

Plus you had to go through a heart ablation (no doubt ALONE as well) recently, which is stressful, heaped onto your plate along with losing your mom. Everything you know in life just got broken apart and when that happens, nothing feels normal & everything feels odd. That's when we humans need a bit more love and affection and tenderness from others. Ask for it b/c your loved ones may be too dense to know what you need and think you can just soldier your way through this event like you have all the others.

It's okay to feel like crap. It's okay to ask for what you need. It's okay not to be tough & strong. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel lost (albeit a foreign feeling, I know). It's okay to feel whatever way you're feeling and to just go through it until you come out to the other side, still motherless and lonely, but bolstered a bit by your family members who came to your side to lift you UP in your time of need. That you had to ask for them to do so means you need them as much as they've needed you all this time. And that's okay too. It's the thing that makes us human.

We only lose a mother once in our lives, which is once too many. God bless you and keep you, my friend. I pray that you are able to ask your DH for what you need, and that he's able to help you through this difficult time in your life, as you've helped him for decades.

MidKid58,

I am so very sorry that in addition to losing your mom so suddenly, you are suffering, but for others now, and not yet for yourself. It's perhaps best that the sibs were spared the emotional trauma of going through what remained of your mom's belongings, although a true shame that many treasures were lost and not given to those whom she had intended. It's perhaps understandable that your YB acted irrationally because grief hits all of us in different ways.

There is no normal for grieving although there are stages. You should give yourself a good three years of slowly and gradually processing the loss of your mom. Although not close in recent years, we have such deep ties to our moms that part of what you're grieving is the loss of those early and very tender bonds.

I would ask that you reconsider your feelings of not feeling worthy of your inheritance and instead, do as your mom wished and accept that final gift from her. Remember that you provided her with every bit as much joy as your other siblings as babies and growing children. estrangement in later life doesn't change the joys you gave her throughout the earlier years. Use some part of your inheritance to do something for yourself, maybe find something to serve as a memorial to her, something that reminds you of her, or for a trip somewhere special to a place she spoke of but was never able to go herself.

Grief comes and goes in waves and the numbness will pass. You'll be hit with unexpected waves of remembrance and deep feelings of loss. And for heavens sake, you're recovering from a procedure that requires healing and was likely scary to undergo. Grant yourself some grace and forgiveness. and allow yourself time to heal from all of this.

I wish you grace and solace.

Midkid, I don't think there is such a thing as "normal" grief. It's as personal as the individual who is experiencing it.

I can only comment based on my own experience but everything you have expressed sounds familiar. I was my mom's POA and when she died and my older sister took over as executor I was a little flummoxed I must admit. Having been running around like a rooster with her head cut off doing everything to suddenly finding myself obsolete was hard. Keeping busy had helped keep my grief at bay. When I suddenly found myself with nothing to do (for mom) I was left with my thoughts which was horribly difficult.

We cleared my mom's place out while she was still alive since she had been placed in a nursing home but my older sister thinking she was helping took it upon herself to have most of my mom's possessions taken to the dump as well. They charged $1000.00 to do it. She just did it and then wanted a cheque from mom. My mom had wanted stuff donated to charity.

I think you need to be prepared for all sorts of emotions throughout the grieving experience midkid. You'll have good days, bad days, confusing days, days when you feel great, days when you feel like you've taken steps backward. Be kind to yourself. (((Midkid)))