Hi,
My mom is 80 with medically complex issues, feeding tube, COPD getting worse, and some anxiety issues. Dad is primary caregiver, I'm secondary (about 3 to 4 hours a day). He is fully mobile does all the household chores in addition to 2 of 3 of her tube feeds and medicines etc and is getting burned out which makes him even more negative and difficult than his usual "default setting" which is misery. This is leading to my fuse and patience with him becoming increasingly short. She can bathe and dress herself, however not much beyond that. Her shortness of breath limits activity.
They are moving soon "back home" (long story, their place had a flood a nearly two years ago it's taken this long with insurance etc). They have with some coaxing agreed to have a caregiver (a woman who took care of my mil's best friend who had dementia and recently passed) est 10 hours a week. Mom changed her mind but I got her back on board with it. Goal is to train her on tube feeding and how mom has her one meal by mouth prepared. They met her and like her. I positioned it as hey this doesn't have to be permanent, but there will be an adjustment, much as I know you want to get "back home", (the place looks different etc) and I think this will help.
I've been reading some of David Solie's work and really trying to put things in place before a crisis. I've told mom this is for my benefit and will relieve MY anxiety about having someone else trained and a back up for what if I get sick, what if dad gets sick, not catastrophic but just in everyday life people get sick! She said oh that would be good for her to be trained it will make her more marketable. I went with that "yeah mom you'll be doing her a big favor!". So fingers crossed we get this going and "open the door" to less reliance on me, relief for dad (he wants that, it's tricky bc I can't say "relief for dad" to mom that sets her off bc he makes sure and everyone else she knows how much he does... Very passive aggressive grrrr Family dynamics ugh)
What do you all think. Maybe I'm just fishing for positive reinforcement here... I feel good about it at the moment (a rarity). Dropped off advance designation of rep payee at SSA yesterday and getting on mom's bank account (minimal assets, so no estate or gift issues just normal bill paying) with my own debit card for it next week and having dad sign poa and hcpoa forms as well. (we did not have that for him yet bc he's so healthy. This is the time to do it.
Thanks. I hope she follows thru as well. I forgot to double space so it looks like one of those rambling posts. Mom and dad have minimal income and assets so documents were on the back burner. We got mom's when she had lung cancer. They follow my lead so honestly it's more my delay than his 🤦🏻♀️
Given that, I think you are managing things well.
The person you have hired is willing and sounds adaptable enough to manage mom as well as she CAN be managed.
I think that you have enough experience to know to expect the unexpected. You have good days and bad ones and this is a good one. So enjoy it!
Any day that's not a verge of tears day is a good day in this "business"
Thanks as always for your wise support.