Why do I feel so isolated from my family, friends, and life caring for my mom?

Jontur, you are not alone. Alot of ones here have or are going thru this feeling of isolation. I personally feel this way. I found this site and let me tell you it has helped. I have connected with others who understand exactly what is going on and understand my feelings. This in itself has helped alot with my overwhelming feelings of being alone. Its such ashame when you have other siblings that won't help. But that is their problem and in the end they will have to deal with the guilt. You are a wonderful human-being to look after your mother and daughter, allowing them the quality of life to remain at home. Don't ever feel that you have to choose. Just learn to prioritize your caregiving between the two. Some days will be hard, honestly. But think as positive as possible. Pat yourself on the back. You will get strength from a higher power to make it thru each day. Come back here often to vent. No one will judge you. We are all in this together. The caregiving community is very supportive.

Yes, I related to your circumstances and lately I've actually been feeling lonely. I have a 30 year old son who is special needs so I know how exhausting it is taking care of an adult child and elderly parents. Fortunately we have caregivers who are here Monday through Friday during the day. Right now I'm stealing time for a nap while they're here so I'll be able to manage taking care of everyone later today.

Thank you for your comments. I didn't realize completely how much all the caregivers out there have in common. It's like reading something I wrote about what i was going through but it's someone elses feelings.. wow. I think this site will be of great help and support..Thanks all

I just read your ? And your story. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that u r not alone. I know you feel that way, but u aren't. I realized that so many of us have made the commitment to care for one or both of parents. It is so stressful, but even when there is a bad day, I wouldn't change caring for my mom. Maybe there is a reason, a higher reason. Maybe this has not helped, or maybe it has. Just know that there r others who care. We r not alone.

Jontur, I'm not the first to tell you that you are not alone. But let me be the first to say that you are taking the high road, a path with rewards you can't even see from here. If you ship everybody off to group homes and make them someone else's problem, and then go get a job with a fat paycheck and a company car, your life would be much easier. But you would experience a soul-death from which you might never recover. The time, energy, effort and emotion you put into the care of your special-needs loved one are worth everything they are costing you. Your care recipients may or may not ever thank you for all you do. At the end of your life, and if you witness the passing of your loved ones, you will know I'm right. I've got 17 years experience with my wife and mother-in-law(in wheelchairs), my mother (going blind and deaf) my step-dad (dementia) and my oldest brother (don't ask). I've got my third hernia, a bad back, blown knee and arthritis in both hands, and I wouldn't change a minute of it. That's the only attitude I can find that doesn't leave me suicidally depressed. Instead, I feel like the luckiest guy alive.

The reason you feel alone is because you are in your situation. That being said, you are not the only one strugging with this as we are here for you as support and a sounding board. I, too, am caught in the middle, and I'm struggling to get grips with the truth. Last Thursday, when mother fell, and all the pills I had separated the night before were scattered on the floor and I could not lift her up by myself -- that was a defining moment of reality. Luckily I caught someone at home to come give me a hand, but otherwise, i'm the sole caregiver. It hurts tremendously that my sister-in-laws, don't want to hear about it. perhaps because I might ask for help -- I don't know, but today and this past week I've been trying to deal with the hurt and frustration of it all too. This all proves that we are alive and our lives are full -- believe me.

Oh, and another thing --- I'm in the process of re-evaluating my friend base since they don't understand or respect whats really going on, and am focusing on those like us -- i think this is where your support needs to come from

Are you in a position to hire some respite help? If you could get someone in a few times a week for a few hours, it would allow you to get out and have some time away from the stress. Perhaps your siblings might contribute to that, since you are bearing all of the responsiblity?? You might look on Care.com for someone with a background check, that you can trust to look after both your daughter and your mom for a few hours a week. It could mean a huge difference to you. It seems there is always one child in the family who has to do it all.............I know it is overwhelming and exhausting. Your family should give you some kind of assistance.

Hi Jontur, I'm glad you found this forum and us. In my family I am the one who takes care of everyone also, I'm on my 3rd parent. It's good to come here and talk. It helps to just have someone to listen to us without criticizing or judging us. Our siblings should help but in almost all cases it's one of us in our family that cares enough to do anything about them. It was a good suggestion to see if you can get respite care one day a week even if it's only for 4 hours or so. It would give you a little breather to just go see a movie, go for a walk, or window shopping, just anything to have a few hours where you are away from the constant needs or demands. A Social Worker should be able to help you or you could just google your zip code and respite care and find what's available in your area. If you need to just vent or connect with others on a daily basis come over to the "grossed out" thread and join us there. :)

No, you are not alone. I am an only child caring for my Mom with cancer. I moved her in with me 2 years ago. I totally understand the sacrifices you are making. There is not much help out there for caregivers. Mom's doctor did approve home health, which was a Medicare service and free for us. They sent a nurse once a week, a lady to bathe her once a week, and a physical therapist to help her regain balance and strength. If your Mom or daughter could qualify, that really was a help. Of course, it only lasted about 6 mos and then you have a period where Medicare won't pay for a few months. But you can re-qualify. I didn't get my life back but is sure helped out. Don't know what to say but hang in there. This is the toughest job I've ever had. But this site helps you know that you are not alone and thoughts you have are shared by others.

Funny, just when you get to the end of your rope, God hands you a life line. In reading these posts, I know that I have someone out there who will listen. None of you will be able to fly into my life and lend a hand, but sometimes lending an ear is the next best thing. I'll try to be brief in my issues. I have been taking care of Dad for well over 3 years. He was diagnosed with dementia in 2006. It was decided that he couldn't live alone any longer. So, on the premise of a medical issue, he came to live with me. A short time later, he decided he wanted to live with another family member. A few months into living there, he got into a full blown argument and was told to leave. The family member even went so far as to bring his remaining belonging to my home. I'm told I made the argument up in my head - that it never happened! We have had several family meetings which have all resulted in nasty arguments and accusations being thrown about towards and against me. It is now three years later and Dad is still with me. My family says I don't make them feel comfortable when they come to visit Dad (even though I work 8 hours a day and they could certainly come when I am not around). In addition, not once have I ever refused to let them come to see Dad. I suppose I just don't roll out the red carpet for them, and I should. I have hired a part-time caregiver to care for Dad while I am at work (using his money) but we cannot afford someone when I am home, so all of the rest of the caregiving comes from me. To make matters worse, I suffer from a medical condition that is aggravated by stress, food and anxiety. My husband works out of town and sadly when he is home, I don't feel it is his responsibility to care for Dad. I am not being a martryr or anything but sometimes it just gets to be too much. Dad is not "ready" for either an ALF or NH. His dementia is well within control although we do have issues from time to time. I just don't understand why it is that other family members feel that they don't have to respect me in my own home. When their guilt hits them, then they feel it okay to just come into my house unannounced or unexpected. I know that nobody can help me but me. Even blogging can be therapeutic since I am anonymous and therefore fingers can't be pointed at me. Caregiving is so very difficult. I only talk with a few members of my family and sometimes even their excuses for not coming to help seems lame. I can't remember the last time that I went on vacation and even when I am home (for a holiday) it turns out to be work since I have Dad to take care of. I realize that I will be rewarded by our God at the end of the day, but sometimes I need that reward now. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel any time soon. I have learned that those who understand my plight are my true and real friends and those that don't understand or won't understand or can't understand just haven't walked a mile in my shoes so to speak. Good days are getting to be more and more rare and so I do my best to surround myself around only the things that are positive. If my family has decided (for whatever reason) to not see their father I have learned that it is not my fault or my problem. It is easy for everyone to find a reason to not see Dad as our lives are all 'busy'. I know that at the end of the day (when all is said and done) I will be able to rest and relax. For now, this is my life. To some degree, while I didn't sign up for it, I wouldn't have it any other way. We all use this site to vent and sometimes once in a while we are given just the right answers to our questijons and concerns whether it is about our aging parent, disabled child or ourselves. With the holidays quickly approaching, I have learned that I cannot do everything. Gift purchasing will have to wait, trimming the tree, putting up lights, sending out cards, etc... and all of those things that I used to do are so unimportant. What I do everyday is important to both myself and my parent. All of these things (while lovely) all become stress related since my time too is limited. I know I didn't answer anybody's question, but as it has been mentioned, we are all here for each other. Thank you all for your insight, your prayers and your strength. Knowing I am in such good company makes this journey I am on so much more tolerable. God bless each and every one of us. I hope, one day, should I ever find myself in this boat (of being an elder - ha ha) that someone like myself is there to lend a hand. It's not easy, but it is who I am and I'm too old to change now, so its just easier to try to do my best...

What a well written comment. it is what it is. And I'm learning that we have been given this task for some reason -- but won't know for awhile. I'm thinking that somehow God says -- these people need to get to know each other and help. So, instead of lamenting on the fact that I'm caregiving without support of my siblings, I have "new" on-line compadres who are all evenly yoked.

Jontur, I feel your pain. As others have said, you are not alone in this. I care for my 86 yr old mother who has possible pancreatic cancer and when I took her in she had adult failure to thrive and an untreated broken wrist, dehydration, anemia and malnutrition. She was living in her home with my brother and sister in law who were supposed to take care of her in lieu of rent and utilities. Needless to say, they did not. If they had she would not have ended up in such a sad shape. Some siblings are just worthless.....two of my brothers are helpful. One even sent me money to hire a sitter so I could get out of the house. I had to take the money and pay a bill tho. No only am I stressed out with the caregiving, but since I had to quit my job to care for her, money is extremely tight and that stresses me too. I have been caring for my husband for the last few years. He is not disabled but he has major depression with panic disorder and finds it hard to get out and work.
You are a strong woman and I'm sure you will be able to care for your mom, just remember to care for yourself too. That can be very hard when you are out of funds. Would your mother qualify for Hospice? My mom has a nurse come in twice a week and an aide comes 5 days a week to bathe and dress her. That is a tremendous blessing. It wouldn't hurt to check on this.
I too am isolated much of the time. I've found out who my real friends are. Mostly cyber friends I've met on this site. I thank god that I've found them. It helps me stay sane. I mostly post on the Grossed Out thread, but sometimes I just have to drop in to others when I feel expecially drawn to the plight of a caregiver. Generally one thread is as supportive as another, but I like to stay with one so I can develop personal relationships with ones I talk to the most. Stay with this website and I promise you it will help.

A big hug to you,
Ann

Isolation seems to come with the territory, my friends. The on-line people who "get it" are much more understanding than my local friends and family. I care for my 88-yr.old mom in my home and I know that others just don't know what to say or do. I can't say it's not hard. It is. Find the ones who are in your shoes and share. That helps. Also, if you can afford some respite now and then, you will get some personal renewal. All the best.

You are certainly not alone. My twin sister lives next door to me and when our mom was alive (she died 2 months ago), I rarely saw my sister except for a quick visit or occasional help. I think caregivers are special and that there are some, like your brother, that simply cannot cope with the stress. It isn't fair. But you might remind your brother of the care your mom gave him as a child, and that it probably wasn't easy. Ask him to think of it as an opportunity to give back. Find the humor, surely there is some, and that will help relieve the stress. Don't give up, whatever you do. And don't do or say anything you'll regret. I'd give anything for just one more minute with my mom. Karen

Jontur...I too am in the same boat and sometimes feel like it's sinking. I tried for two years to "do it all by myself" ..but learned recently that I am not superhuman. Do you have hospice available in your area and if so you're mom's care may be covered entirely by Medicare. I have them come a few times a week to bath my 86 year old mom with alzheimers and a nurse comes twice a week. They also offer "respit" which can give you a few days to yourself with mom in a facility. I know you feel like the rest of the world is enjoying life while you are "trapped"...I go from screaming anger (not withing earshot of mom) to major pity party crying asking God when will this end. Family is around but they have their own problems and issues to deal with so just the sight of another person albiet a nurse or bathaide is like heaven ...to actually have another well person to converse with even for a short time.
I've also started a small group of ladies on Facebook (most of them being classmates of mine back in the 60's all going thru the same "living with a parent with dementia/alzheimers". We laugh * Cry * vent * and sometimes just be silly ..it helps so much. I pray for all here who are making this sacrafice for their loved ones...we are a special breed...God Bless.

the major question of the day/week --- Dear God, when will this end

Have you ever heard the one - "If you want to make God laugh, let him see your plan." I know that I was put on this earth for a purpose. If this is what it is, then so be it. I love the woman that I am.

Cleaning up for the day... Almost time to start job #2 (ha ha ha)... Hang in there everyone. We'll all be here tomorrow - God willing :)

I know that what I have to say is not much help as I am to the point where I cry A LOT! Feelings of isolation from my family and friends in the outside world seem worlds away. Furthermore, family doesn't seem to understand at all, nor even care. I am very blessed that I am able to have Caregivers to come in at night in order that I can sleep rather than have to get up every 2 -3 hours to take my husband to the bathroom. Outside of that, I am on my own. This site helps to read about others situations and solutions and that I am truly not alone as I feel.

Dear jontur and other soul mates,

This is year 14 of caring for family members. It started with my sister-in-law struggling for 4 and a half years with ovarian cancer before it won. Then we had two good years before my mother-in-law had a major meltdown and diagnosed with cerebral amyloid angiopathy with leukoencephalopathy (long words for a form of dementia). We cared for her and my father-in-law in our home for 5 years until she passed away. Then there were 6 months of freedom with just my father-n-law before my 94 year old mother become too ill with dementia to stay alone any longer. I had been caring for her for 6 years as she could not drive due to macular degeneration. So, I was driving to her house two to three times a week doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and taking her to appointments. When she moved in with us following progressive dementia and an illness that left her 24 hour care. My daughter is also living with us while we are renovating her home. She has a 16 month old son, so it is a pretty full house. Oh, we also take care of her son while she works. And my 86 year old father-in-law continues living with us. He has CHF, numerous by-pass surgeries and a valve replacement and beginning dementia, so he is pretty dependant too.

Needless to say, when my mother moved in with us I had no life either and it was both physically and mentally draining. If I got three hours sleep in a night, it was a great night. I was up and down with my mother all night long and all day with her and my grandson. I am an only child and since the death of my sister-in-law, my husband is an only child, so all of the care falls on our shoulders. So, jontur, I certainly can relate to your feelings of being isolated and trapped.

When my mother was diagnosed with failure to thrive, Hospice came into the picture and what a God send to my sanity they were. I was given 14 glorious hours a week of respite time. Plus, a girl came twice a week to bathe my mother and the nurse checked in once a week. We also had pastoral visits and a social worker who would check in once a month. I was out the door like a shot during those 14 hours of freedom. I hope you will contact agencies in your area for some help in your situation. Maybe there are seperate centers your mother and daughter could visit for a few hours a week allowing you a little time to yourself. How do you get out to do the grocery shopping right now and other outside responsibilities like doctor appointments? Even if you can’t find a program to offer financial assistance or Medicare coverage for these services, I strongly, strongly suggest you hire someone to come in a few hours a week and give you a reprieve. It is worth every penny. Use your mother’s money or tell your brother and sister they HAVE to chip in. If they won’t physically participate in her care, the VERY LEAST they can do is help pay for you to have a few hours of sanity a week. Your brother couldn’t take it and bailed on you, so he has to have some understanding of how stressful the situation is and how nerve-racking and demanding the circumstances are for you. He, of all people, should be willing to donate to a respite care giver. Your sister refuses to give you a break or take your mother at her home and has all kinds of advice for you. Tell her to put her money where her mouth is and that would be the best for everyone.

This is a wonderful site and allows people to vent and discover we are not alone. Sometimes that is all we need to know is we are not alone in our feelings of frustration and loss. There are others out there who understand and can offer helpful advice and suggestions. This is the site that kept me from losing my mind and pulling the plug more than once. Thank Heaven we have a place to be understood without judgment.

Sadly, my mother passed away last Dec. at the age of 95 and I deeply miss her every minute of every day. But, I want you to know, when I was caring for her, I had some not so nice thoughts and I still feel guilty for those. My mother was the kindest, sweetest person on the planet and I loved her with every fiber of my being and all my heart and soul, but during the exhausting times when I felt trapped, alone and in tears for both myself and my mother, I asked “when will this all end? I want my life back!”. And I prayed for it to end. I not only wanted my life back, but it tore me to pieces seeing my mother go through the terrible struggles, mental anguish and torment. It was L for everyone. I didn’t want to lose her, but I didn’t want her to live any longer either. It was a horrible time. It was totally against every moral aspect of who I am to put her in a care facility. I just couldn’t do that to her, but I had to relent the last two weeks of her life. I just couldn’t do it any more. She was at a point I could not control her agitation and she would try to get out of bed, yet she couldn’t walk, was dead weight to get her to the bathroom and beyond comprehending anything I tried to do for her. Thank the Lord for my wonderful husband and his help and support. I finally had to let go and let God. That was the day before Thanksgiving last year and my small grandchildren were coming for the holiday. I couldn’t care for my mother, cook and spend time with them in her condition. I was trapped by her bedside 24 hours a day. But, most of all, I know she would not want them to remember her like she was, so I placed her in the marvelous care of the Hospice House. I could not have given her the excellent care they did in her final days. Shortly after Thanksgiving she slipped into a coma and within two weeks was gone.

I was relieved, but had such horrible guilt for some of the awful and unforgivable feelings I had while caring for her. I never, ever let her know how I felt, but I hated myself for wanting it all to end so I could selfishly have a life back to enjoy my grandchildren and my “golden years”. I am 62. I think I am finally beginning to forgive some of my feelings and love myself again and I have to admit, it is wonderful to have a bit of my life back. Like I said, we still care for our grandson and my father-in-law, but it isn’t the 24/7 draining kind. After what we did, this is a piece of cake.

What I guess I am trying to say to you, jontur, is there will come a day when you will have your life back, even though it may not seem like it at the current time. I know when I was tied to my mother and the house 24 hours a day, I thought I was never, ever going to have a life again. I hope your daughter’s needs are not so severe that they require you to have 24/7 in home devotion to her. You deserve to have a life and some free time to call your soul your own. It is worth every penny you may have to spend for respite care. The time you are spending with your mother will bring beautiful memories and cherished times you would never have if she were in a care facility. When all the doctors and nurses were telling me I needed to place my mother in a facility I fought with them tooth and nail to keep her with me. They told me she would have been gone over a year before she died if I had not cared for her. Those precious times with my mother were gifts from God and I wouldn’t trade those moments for all the freedom in the world. Remember when things get unbearable, stop and think it will all end one of these days and all you will have left are those treasured memories.

Allow yourself the bad thoughts, they are only natural, for they too have there place in the stress of care giving. During those times, come to this site and share with others who will understand and not judge. And then go back and grab a hold of those special minutes in time that will stay in your heart forever and realize what a wonderful daughter, mother and person you are. Your brother and sister can not hold a candle to you and someday, they will realize what they missed. You truly are a beautiful person and immense blessing your mother and daughter. You carry a strength and love in your heart your sister and brother will never know.

Even through all the heartache and suffering with my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, my mother and now my father-in-law, I wouldn’t go back and change a single moment or decision we made keeping them with us. My only regret is I couldn’t have made their suffering and struggles go away. I look at those times now and wonder how I made it through, but it was one day, one hour, one second at a time putting one foot in front of the other and doing what I had to do to manage. You discover a lot about yourself and what you are made of when you survive the tough times. You are a truly loving, caring, kind and good person, jontur, as well as, all the others who so selflessly give of themselves so others can find love, security and as much happiness as possible as they struggle through this life too. Hang in there, you are not alone, there are many of us who have been there and done that in very similar fashion. All I can say is enjoy those special times, for they will all too soon be over and there will only be fond memories in your heart to hold instead of your mother. What I wouldn’t give to put my arms around my mother just one more time and tell her I love her just one more time. God bless.

thank you all for your support and for sharing you experiences. It helps that now i know there are so many others in my situation..I was working for a friend of mine at a recycle center(a God send) because it got me out of the house and got my mind off of things. it was close to my house so if something went wrong i could be there in 5 minutes.. well the silent partner is shutting down because he said he wasn't making enough money(greedy).
anyway now i am losing my job and my last refuge..my brother who came out to help while I was at work will probably go home to missouri now. I told him I really need him to stay. that before he came I was on the verge of losing my mind..I hope he stays..at least thru the holidays.
I think about doing everything by myself again and I feel a knot the size of a bowling ball in my stomach..I know if he leaves it will be like before he came. by myself with no help..I've got only my sister and brother in law and they aren't much help.. I'll give you an example. Since my dad passed 5 years ago(thats when i moved in with my mom) I have had 3 heart attacks and 4 way open heart surgery. While i was in the hospital recovering from my surgery my sister and brother inlaw came to visit. when i told them i don't know if i can keep up caretaking for mom, I was told that they expected me to buck up and take care of her. I was told that i owed them for all they did. keep in mind that i had open heart surgery on a friday and this was the next sunday..2 days after surgery..well that was a year ago and I'm doing what I have to do for my mom..
any way. I guess i just have to go with the flow right now..I will pray my favorite prayer all day; God grant me the serenity to except the things i cannot change, thie courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference..

I could almost have written your note, almost word for word. I have one sibling who lives the closest, with tons of time on her hands, who is trying to get back at me by not helping OUR mother very much at all ....for 5 years... I KNOW how this feels, and think it is absolutely disgusting to me that my sister is punishing our mother in this way when she needs said sister (her daughter) the most. Yet, she will likely be there johnny on the spot when it comes time to pass out the money and the family posessions in the end. Maybe someday I will forgive her, but right now am too in the thick of it to even give it a thought. I will likely have to cut all ties with my sister before long, as she has harmed me so greatly, and I want nothing more to do with her.

I should clarify my above post. My SIBLING is the one who does not help me or our mother out very much, but is trying to get back at me over past imaginary hurts by intentionally NOT helping. It is a very bad situation for all involved.

JONTUR:

You're a prisoner of caregiving. Your whole life revolves around it. Time is a luxury you don't have much of, and "free" moments are probably spent thinking about what else needs to be done, occasional phone calls to let people know you haven't completely fallen off the map. Maybe the only chance to recover from all that madness is an out-of-body experience here and there.

When I cared for Mom, one of my sisters would drop by unexpectedly to supervise. I'd always ask if she wanted French fries go to with her orders. In a nutshell, she wouldn't let me do anything to then say I did nothing. Last time I saw her she told Mom to pack and move in with her. Poor thing got boxes from the supermarket and even packed all my Charmin. To make a long story short, Mom waited and waited for Martha to take her to that heavenly house in Newark, NJ that no one has ever seen. (I searched on Google Earth where it's supposed to be, and all I found was a out-of-service, old gas station.)

Ok. ... Enough rambling for one night. Take care of yourself my friend, and don't be a stranger.

Eddie, I was intrigued by your story... Did anyone ever pick mom up?

Please stay on this site. You need it. I read it several times a day, even if I don't comment. It is a blessing. I sometimes feel after reading things, "hey, I don't have it so bad" - it just seems to help. My mom is not violent, she is a sweetie and when I read about what others go through, it helps me cope to know I am not alone..even if family has retreated and do not call - EVER- and friends stop asking or inviting you. The good friends will remain - the so called, are very much replaceable. Know in your heart you are doing the best you can. And don't listen to anything the sibs say....they are not qualified and DO NOT GET A VOTE. You are doing all the work. Write them off....I did. Go with your heart.

SOSA:

No. She lived out of the boxes for a couple of months until it finally dawned to her the only one who might come was the Grim Reaper. Or she got her own place, whichever came first. After 3 years I got her into a senior citizens' residence full of screechy Puerto Rican women huddled up in corners and sounding like chickens chattering in a churchyard. The men were too old -- she doesn't date anyone over 30. She called them "fuddy duddies" playing papi chulos or has-been macho men locking horns in sterile testosterone contests and talking about torrid trysts they had Marilyn Monroe-ish women that exist only in magazines ... or their minds.

To make a long story short, she's still living there. In a microcosm of Puerto Rico where they can romanticize poverty, talk each other's ears off about ungrateful children, play bingo & dominoes, and build community any way they can. Good or bad, it's family.

Hello again jontur~

Sorry I am long winded again, but I am concerned about you and you NEED, no, you HAVE TO GET HELP!!!! I hear the desperation in your writing and if you don’t get someone to help you with the burden of caring for your mother, they will be burying you long before her. I am almost 99% certain your heart attack and by-pass surgery were precipitated from the stress you have been under dealing with your parents and useless sister. No offense, but what kind of heartless people are they anyway?

PLEASE make an appointment TODAY to talk with your doctor and cardiologist about your situation. Let them know the stressful conditions you live in and tell them you have to have help from somewhere. Ask them to connect you with a social worker who can help get you to the right people in the community. Your health insurance policy should cover those expenses. There are numerous services out there that may be able to help you. I don’t know your current health status, except your nerves are shot. How well have you recovered from your surgery? You might qualify for disability. Can you afford not to work and stay home caring for your mother, or will you need to find another job? How long can your brother, realistically, stay with you? Doesn’t he have to get back to a job and family? Could he take your mother to live with him for part of the year and you take her the other part?

You said you moved in with your mother because she was lonely and couldn’t stay alone in her home. You haven’t mentioned the degree of her physical and mental capabilities. There are adult day care facilities you could take your mother to for a few hours a day or a couple days a week. There she would meet other people her age and limitations and have shared interactions, hopefully making new friends. She might enjoy getting out and socializing. The stimulation would be good for her and it would give you both a break and change of pace. They have centers specifically geared to Alzheimer patients if her mental state is slipping. Does she have any friends left? Possibly they could meet for lunch somewhere. Pick them up, drop them off at a restaurant and go do something for an hour or so while they dine. Another service I think is offered by either the Alzheimer’s society or senior resource organization is where other people in the community come into your home and visit with seniors for an hour or two. They read to them, play cards with them and simply socialize. It is a wonderful service and it is free.

For you own health you MUST find some moments of peace and respite or you will be back in the hospital or worse. Remember, YOU are important too and DESERVE to have a life. YOU are a valuable person and have a right to be here and enjoy this world too! I had to remind myself of that when I was caring for my mother. When she was my age, she was free from the responsibilities of family and work, traveling all over with friends, playing golf and having the time of her life in her “golden years”. That is how it should be. My mother cared for her father for a month and the doctor told her it was too much and she had to place him in a facility that could care for him. I chose not to do that with her, but remembering the scenario somehow made me feel better when I was exhausted and ready to jump off a cliff. It took away some of my guilty feelings. I had a cousin going through the same situation with her mother and we used to ask one another, “When is it going to be our turn to play?”

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE call you physicians TODAY and schedule an appointment!!! You MUST do this before your brother leaves!! From what I am hearing, it is imperative you get help. It is out there and you have to take the first steps to finding it before you get yourself trapped into the rut of depression and routine of 24/7 care again. Not only do you need someone to provide some respite for you, but I think it would be beneficial for you to talk with a counselor to help your mental state, as well. You sound like you are barely hanging on by your last, thin thread.

Care giving is very difficult mentally and physically and we all need support and help to keep us going. DON’T WAIT ANOTHER DAY!!! And, by gosh, use your mother’s money to pay for respite!

Also, if you haven’t done so, go talk to an estate planning attorney. From what you say about your family, you need to be sure you have all your bases covered and, at the very least, have POA. Believe me, things will get a whole lot bumpier as mom slips and with the sounds of your family, it is imperative you are covered legally. You need to be protected and have the legal authority to write checks for your mom’s living expenses when she is incapable of doing so. There are numerous things you must get in place immediately. Are you going to inherit her home? If so, you better get that legally covered or you could be on the street. Does she have a car? How about stocks, savings accounts, etc.? Who will get those? Does she have a will? Is she mentally capable of signing and planning her will? Does she have a living will if she needs to go on life support? There are an unbelievable number of aspects to be solidified and handled NOW for your own security and the ability to properly care for your mother.

Okay, again, enough of my ramblings. I wish you the very best and hope you find the help you need so you may have peaceful, protected and happy years with your mother. This should be a special time of bonding and sharing not unhappiness, depression and frustration.

Please let us know TODAY that you made those all important phone calls and have appointments scheduled. NONE of us can do this alone. Care giving is extremely stressful; we need help from every possible source available to keep us sane, healthy and legally covered so we may give the best care possible to not only our loved ones, but ourselves. Prayers and hugs.

Hi jontur . Well, if nothing else, you are not alone. I've had my mom 14 years now. I do have a brother and sister. My sister lives far from here and seldom visits. My brother and his wife live a few hours from here, but they can't /won't take mom even for a weekend because they're too busy. Feeling isolated seems to come with the territory. Church is a help to some extent. I'm also thinking of checking out our local senior center. I know they have activities and I'm thinking other caregivers would be there as well. Maybe a friend could be found with a kindred spirit. Good luck to you and your daughter and mom.

Jontur,
All the above advice is right on. If you don't have all your ducks in a row your compassionless sibling will come in and make duck soup out of you. I know it's overwhelming but do as I did and take it one little step at a time. Each day I tried to make one phone call and cover one situation.

My brother who volunteered to care for my mom 5 yrs ago was abusing her and her credit cards, so when I took over, mama was almost dead. Literally. We expected her to live maybe two or three months. I dealt with all the ugly stuff, the diaper changes, hand feeding, diahrrea explosions etc. All the things he refused to do for her while just waiting for her to die. He actually said to me that her death would be a blessing. He was retired...I had to quit working and take over. Thanks goodness I had a 10 yr old POA that I never mentioned to the family. I took the credit cards and her check book. I let him stay in her house, but with the understanding that mama was no longer paying all the bills. Her credit cards had been charged up to $40,000. I'm still dealing with her creditors. I sent them all a letter and the Dr signed a document stating her health issues. Basically I told them to go whistle for it that she was not in any condition to pay them back and I sincerely hoped they had insurance to cover such losses. All the credit was in her name only so nothing will come back on any of her children even the abusing brother.
Anyway, all that to get to this. It's important to get help with the legal things now while she is alive. Don't worry about what your sibling will think of you. She/they will not be charitable and will screw you without batting an eye. I may be assuming too much in your case, but in mine....my brother would back stab me in a flash. Now I have all the leverage. Of course, I have Mama too and she is back in good health from the loving care given to her. Call Hospice. Let them evaluate the situation. If that doesn't work, there are home health companies that take medicare and it won't cost you anything. Let that be one of your first phone calls. You can buy POA forms at Office Depot also Wills of every kind. If you are not on meds for depression, check that out with your DR. It's almost impossible to do this job without getting depressed. The meds are a godsend.
All this advice may be unnessary because you've already done it, thought about it or in the process of doing it. Forgive me if I'm preaching to the choir. We caregivers can't help but try to care for each other. Basically because WE CARE.

Hope things work out for you. Let us know.
Ann