I have been caretaking for my mom now and my dad before he died of cancer 5 years ago. after my dad passed i moved in with my mom because she was lonely and needed help to stay in her home.
its been 5 years now. I have no life, no help and feel like i am losing my mind. I get very upset when my sister refuses to give me a break. she says mom wont stay at her house..and she cant stay here. i also caretake for my special needs 21 yo daughter..my sister wants my girl to go to a group home because she stresses out mom sometimes. I'm supposed to choose between the two. not an option.
my brother came out from the midwest but is ready to go back because of the stress.
I feel like our little family(mom jen and me) are all by ourselves.have a big family that is to busy to come around so we never see anyone.. I guess I'm rambling..Feeling like running away and hiding.not an opton. I guess I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.. I don't know why Im writing this.. maybe someone else can help me cope with everything
I love and accept my sister for who she is. I just wish she was a bit more helpfull.(alot more) I try to have low expectations so i don't get so pissed and frustrated at her.. it is what it is and hard as it may be i must accept her for the good and the bad..Keeping in mind she is who she is and I guess that is the way it is.. I know that if she had mom she would put her in a assisted living facility.. I can't and won't let that happen.. She would completely give up and die within months I beleive..I don't think i can do that to her..NO MATTER WHAT.. Again I can't thank you all enough.. God bless you all and the loved ones you are caring for..
Sounds like you might want to start interviewing other assisted living centers or nursing homes. They all aren't terrible and give poor quality care. There are wonderful places out there with the staff to give your grandma the hours and attention she needs and, from what you say, she demands a lot. You are too young to be devoting night and day to her. Remember, working in health care for 12 years does give you some knowledge of what to expect, but at the end of your shift, you got to go home and decompress. That is much, much different than the 24/7 responsibility. Your family and your health are at stake. It is exhausting and difficult enough to care for someone who is sweet and appreciative, even with dementia, but it is another to put up with abuse from someone who has all their cognitive faculties.
Where are your parents, aunts and uncles? Someone of that generation should step up to the plate, not you! Or is it that grandma’s nasty attitude through the years has turned them all away from any desire to care for her in their homes?
Your family and young children need you to be there for them right now. They have full lives ahead of them and, as their mom, it is important that you give them the love and attention they need from you. Remember, your grandmother had the privilege and joy of raising her children and devoting her time to them when they needed her. Don’t cheat yourself and your children out of the same joys.
It isn't fair either, to subject your family to neglect and make their lives, and yours miserable because grandma is a grouch. And, at 86, she ain't gonna change. I don't think your grandmother will be happy no matter what you do or where she lives and all that is going to happen is you will miss those precious years of being a mother to your children. And, more importantly, your children will lose those beautiful and very important years of having you as their soccer/baseball mom. Time goes by so fast and you will never get these years back. There are no second chances or repeats. IMHO, don't give up this very special time in your life to care for someone who will only suck the life out of you and your family. You, your husband and children will miss way, way too much because you are tied to someone who is miserable and demanding.
Plus, her attitude will definitely affect your children’s outlook on life. Yes, we need to care for those we love and sometimes it is a good experience for children to learn lessons of love, giving and caring for family members as they grow old, but not when it may have a damaging or negative effect on their lives and future. Just a few thoughts to ponder. Best wishes filled with prayers.
Now my wife is in late stage dementia and also in Depends. There is no way anything could keep me from caring for her in my home. We have a caregiver/housekeeper 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. I am so much more happy as things are that when my mother needed me and I will be happier the rest of my life.
My hat is off to you and to all the other care giving children that are assuming the burdens as you have. Maybe the rest of your family doesn't appreciate what you are doing but you are secretly awarded extra points among we humanists.
Yes I can relate and agree with you all except that I am Caregiver only for my mother who is 86 and depends on me for all of her basic and financial needs. I can not imagine what I would do if I had a Special Needs child to care of as well. God Bless you over and over. I can only sadly say that immediate relatives and other family relatives and friends including church members, all run and hide when you mention the word H-E-L-P. My brother and his wife are very wealthy yet do not want to hear about what is going on here. My mother needs a very expensive medicine when she has an attack of pneumonia which happens just about every winter. I have even offered my brother to pay half so as to be fair about the large expense of the drug. He refuses to hear it. I then have to beg her doctor to either give her samples or a generic drug to take its place. So Selfish. I once was told that it is you and God against the world and I now believe this is true. You dear caregivers are in my prayers.
Jontur, I'll jump on the wagon here and agree with the thread and with you. I'm alone in many ways. Two years ago my vision went bad and I've had a series of eye surgeries (both eyes). I haven't driven in two years - in fact, my license is expired. My husband works and I am stuck at home every day and, until recently, my activities were extremely limited.
My main function has been the long distance care of my Mom, many phone calls each day and calls trying to get another sibling to get involved with Mom. (Our parents retired to an area almost 3 hours from the nearest (disabled) sibling. I'm 8 hours away.) I've traveled all day by public transportation to get to Mom when it was impossible for my hubby to get me there by car. We all do what we feel is necessary in our situations.
Despite my vision problems, using magnifiers, I help Mom with financial issues and things that just overwhelm her. I've found appliance manuals online when she couldn't remember how to turn the oven on!
All of this is frustrating because I can't just get in the car and do what needs to be done. And I can't get anyone else to see how Mom's quality of life is falling apart. She tells me all these things but no one else. She hides the problems because she is afratid of loosing her "independence".
I know there are "in home" care services available. I've spoken to one trying to get help for Mom. (She kicked them out and then wouldn't let them in again.)
If you can't get good samaritans from within your family or friends, how about a local church? That's the least expensive approach.
In NJ, there is a company called "Griswold". The cost I was quoted was less that $20/hour and they will come in for just a few hours a day a couple of days a week. They will do anything - bathing, dressing, housework, cooking, shopping, just plain old companionship - whatever you need, including some medical services. I know this company has franchises in other areas and there are other similiar services.
When I get old, I hope you understand and have patience with me. In case i break the plate, or spill soup on the table because I'm loosing my eyesight, I hope you don't yell at me. Older people are sensitive, always having self pity when you yell. When my hearing gets worse and I can't hear what you are saying, I hope you don't call me Deaf!, Please repeat what you said or write it down. I'm sorry, my child. I'm getting older. When my knees get weaker I hope you have the patience to help me get up. Like how I used to help you while you were little, learning to walk. Please bear with me, when I keep repeating myself like a broken record, I hope you just keep listening to me. Please don't make fun of me, or get sick of listening to me.. Do yo remember when you were little and you wanted a balloon? You repeated yourself over and over until you get what you wanted. Please also pardon my smell. I smell like an old person. Please don't force me to shower. My body is weak, Old people get sick easily when they're cold. I hope I don't gross you out. Do you remember when you were little? I used to chase you around because you didn't want to shower. I hope you can be patient with me when I'm always cranky. It's all part of getting old. You'll understand when you're older. and if you have spare time, I hope we can talk even for a few minutes. I'm always all by myself and have no one to talk to. I know you're busy with work. Even if you're not interested in my stories, please have time for me. Do you remember when you were little? I used to listen to your stories about your teddy bear. When it comes time and I get ill and bedridden, I hope you have the patience to take care of me. I'm sorry if I accidentally wet the bed or make a mess. I hope you have the patience to take care of me during the last few moments of my life. I'm not going to last much longer anyway. When the time of my death comes, I hope you hold my hand and give me strength to face death. and don't worry.... When I finally meet our creator I will whisper in his ear to bless you. Because you loved your mom and dad. Thank you so much for your care. "We Love You"