My mom suffers from dementia. She lives in a lock down memory ward. My dad lives in the same bldg on another floor. When dad visits or when we do, it is becoming extremely difficult to leave. Mom wants to go with him. His visits with her are very difficult. He is deaf and she whispers. He spends his time telling her to speak up and she doesn’t get it. Because he’s deaf, he speaks loud and she keeps shushing him. He gets upset. He’s 88 and unfortunately not very creative when it comes to those little white lies we learn to tell her. Dad’s visits are becoming few and far between because of this. I know he misses her terribly, but I’m afraid he may stop seeing her because of this. We’ve told him over and over to tell her he’s going to work but either he forgets or he doesn’t want to lie to her. We keep telling him that this is what’s best for mom, regardless of how he feels, but it just doesn’t get through. We don’t know how to help him anymore. Looking for suggestions.
If you absolutely cannot care for her, know you made the right decision putting her in a home
Have dad bring mom to an activity, once she is engaged in the activity he can leave.
Have him visit right before a meal then get her to the table and he can leave while she is eating. This would work for a snack as well.
Family tapering off visits is very common. As long as dad is in the same building just make sure you visit when you go see dad. As difficult as it is for you to visit mom just imagine how difficult it is for him. Does mom even "know" who dad is? Would she want to leave with anyone that would visit with her? If she does not "know" who he is that might make the visits more difficult for him. She might "know" that he is friendly, a safe person to be with, and familiar but does she "know" he is her husband, the father to her children? Dow she "know" you are her daughter?
Is dad in Assisted Living or Independent Living? Is there a possibility that he could move into her room so he would be with her but he could come and go to other parts of the building when he wanted to. That way he could take advantage of other activities and be able to get out but be with her when he wants AND he would not have to do any of the caregiving jobs that the staff would do.
In your profile you mention that you are caring for mom in your home, is the move to MC recent? That might be why she wants to leave, she is not yet comfortable with where she is and wants to return to what she thinks is "home".
Teepa Snow is an amazing leader in dementia care. I looked her up after reading about her from a suggestion here on agingcare.com.
(https://teepasnow.com/), She has so many options for support. One is an opportunity to ask a question that’s difficult, where she and her team listen and respond with ideas. I did this with them. Everything is online - like a zoom. My dad ( who has dementia) was the focus of my question. It was so helpful and informative! If your question gets chosen, it’s free, and they coach you beforehand on options available when you participate since this isn’t a private session. You can also pay for private consultations with folks who are trained in her approach, and/or pay for a session with her. I would definitely check it out. They know so much there because it’s all they do, and having teams of these people to brainstorm with is wonderful. I would also tap into your care team at the memorycare/AL facility. Perhaps mom and dad could come together for events that they arrange there - to take the focus off having to talk or make conversation. Yesterday my dad’s facility had a waffle throwing contest. All the residents from both sides could participate, and it was so sweet! Lots of fun for everyone, and laughs all around. Dad is very introverted and wheelchair bound, but even he threw one. Keep working at it! You’re care and concern shows how much you love them both.🤗
They don’t have to have a conversation…just to be together & hold hands. I remember my Father had a hearing problem & he wore a hearing aide…but my mother spoke loudly anyway to make sure he heard…but most times …it was funny…because he’d be watching sports on tv & turn down his hearing aide when Mom would be trying to talk over tv 📺
I'm not sure this would help in this situation. If mom was willing and understood she needed to write down what she wants to say, it could help. You say he's deaf - is that total hearing loss, or would a device of some kind help? Hearing aids don't always work, but they have other devices.
You clearly know there are "ways" around making a quick get-away. You've suggested he use these methods, but he considers it lying. IF you can get him to understand these are not true lies, which are used to hurt others, but a way to keep mom calm and relatively happy. Excusing oneself to go to the rest room, an appt, work, anything that she'd "accept" is just a way to go while the situation is good. Saying you are leaving brings on her need to go to, which upsets everyone.
The only other alternative I can think of is to encourage him to visit when you do, and YOU can make the "excuses" to go, getting him off the hook... Either he's going to appt and you're taking him, or you're off and he's just walking you to your car. Whatever works! You could also make use of the Boogie Board if you go with him, as you can write down what she's said and he can read it and respond.
These are only suggestions. If he balks for any reason, let it go. He needs to be on board with a visit with you to help out. Otherwise, just be supportive of both, in their own way/needs.
If your dad 'misses your mom terribly', then he will want to go visit her and they can hold hands and he won't have to shout and who cares if she whispers? They'll make it work, in other words, without you doing anything to help either of them. You're not going to be able to make your dad start telling your mom 'white lies' if he doesn't want to, nor make him remember to tell her he's going to work, etc. He's likely on the dementia path himself, so stop telling him what to say or do. Let him tell you when he wants to visit your mom, or, he if he can find his way to her room by himself, even better. If you don't have to be there to supervise their visit, that would be perfect.
Let go of the whole thing, that's my suggestion. Wait for dad to ask for your help, then offer it, but leave them alone together for the visit. Sometimes just being able to touch one another for 10 minutes can be enough when the language barrier breaks down. Communication doesn't have to be verbal to convey a message, you know?
My mother was pretty deaf and my father was pretty much whispering for about a year before he died. They lived together in AL and had all sorts of issues, too, b/c mom was mean and insisted dad was 'mumbling' on purpose to aggravate her, refusing to acknowledge it was SHE that was deaf, not him that was mumbling. But they managed, somehow, and I tried to stay out of their affairs as much as possible. Getting involved only aggravated ME, truthfully, and didn't accomplish a hill of beans. My DH and I had to go over there a few times to break up some fights they were having b/c my father got sick and tired of putting up with my mother's BS for the past 68 years they were married and finally said ENOUGH. He was at the end of his life and had nothing left to lose. It was kind of a mess, in all honesty. Which is why I tried to stay out of it. Mom had the beginnings of dementia at that time herself, which made her behavior even worse than ever before. By the time dad had hospice services in, my mother was able to hold his hand and tell him she loved him a few times, which I was very glad for.
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation. I hope you will be able to distinguish that which you can control from that which you cannot, for your own sanity. It's tough, I know.
If this were my parents, and I could get such a device at a reasonable price, I’d try this first.
I think you might as well give up on attempts to change Mom OR Dad from doing whatever they already do, but changing their current ability to actually hear each other MIGHT open a window to a little more time with loving and placid communication.
Best of luck pulling off this loving miracle.
JUST did a Google search-try “Teacher to student classroom speech amplification device”. There are actually some that are even wireless. FINGERS CROSSED THAT YOU CAN GIVE IS A TRY!
Ask Social Service if THEY could help you get a set up like this, or ask if there’s a speech therapist or OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST available who might be able to help you.
Anything that you're having to tell him "over and over" - stop. Repetition will not assist his understanding, but it will frustrate and torment him. Listen, instead. What is he saying about his feelings?
You have, I'm quite sure, taken the decisions which are best for your mother; she is now safe and being cared for appropriately. She's fine (or as fine as achievable, at least). Time to turn your focus on how to support and reassure your father, and that really does need to start with listening to him.
If he wants to visit your mother, good; if he doesn't, that's also fine. When he parts from her, he is *going* to be sad, and he must be free to express himself; and she is going to want to come with him no matter what therapeutic fibs she is told: don't try to impose rules on him.
It won't be simply a question of his missing her - he will also be mourning the loss of her personality and grieving over what is happening to her, on top of missing her constant companionship. Help him to find his own way through this, giving him all the support and reassurance that you can.
He’s not comprehending your messages to him, so maybe less frequent visits are better for both of them.
I hope you find a viable solution soon. Others will chime in. Best wishes to you and your family.