My mom passed over a year ago. I remember seeing a post last year that reminded everyone that if siblings didn't do much or anything to help with a parent's care before they passed, don't be surprised if they offer no help in settling things after a death. I've tried to find that post but haven't been able to. I'm in awe of this person's wisdom. My siblings and I always had very congenial relationships and I was continually surprised that they didn't make time to visit more often - nothing was asked of them since I did everything for mom that she needed. I realize now they must never feel as close to me as I assumed we all felt about each other. I just don't understand how they can ignore such a large elephant in the room - that they have abandoned me during the worst year of my life. I've had to do everything, including cleaning out the house, and it surprised me how no one was gracious enough to provide minimal help. Even getting them to sign forms when they were to receive funds has been harder than pulling teeth. My take on it is that they have so little respect for me that they feel no need to do anything except when they have nothing better to do after I have asked multiple times to get it done. None of us are rich enough not to enjoy any funds received from an inheritance.
It's just hard enough not having your mother around any longer, but the realization that you really don't have family like you thought you did makes me struggle daily.
Thanks for listening.
I also did 95% of everything before and after death of parents .
I came to realize that for most of our adult lives my siblings and I only saw each other because Mom demanded we get together .
I think we sometimes think we are closer than we are because of the charade .
Spend time with people who are worth spending time with . People who are pleasant to be with.
Sorry for your losses , Mom and loss of family .
A wonderful friend I graduated high school with told me when I had lunch with her many years after our time together-- when I was lamenting something or other about "the kids"-- that "Our kids grow up and leave and have their own lives" and she said it in a way that meant to me really "They aren't our kids anymore. They are grown with THEIR own kids".
And sure, they think those kids will love them forever. Truth? They will become a burden to those kids, and a worry. Someone who someone else will write this Forum and say "Is it wrong to hope someone dies?".
There will be some nice memories. But a burden and a worry. WE will become that. Are closer and closer.
SHE, this friend, is dead of Alzheimer's now for almost a decade. She was so wise. And so right. She remembered I taught her about classical music. She taught ME so much more.
It is more on the rare side I would say for families to stay tight and close. We get different thinking spouses, develop different hobbies, sometimes even politics. We move away from one another, sometimes mentally, sometimes logistically, sometimes both.
Then you have the one child who takes on the care.
That child, by the way, would not ever have been me.
I learned early on as an RN who loved her work, that seniors are GREAT. 12 hours, three days a week, 12 ill days a year, 12 holidays a year and five weeks vacation. Other than that? I can't opt in. Not the patience. Couldn't do it and knew I never could. Happily was never ASKED to. But was ready with the no. It wasn't something my parents wanted for their children either.
So you did it all. Some part of them knows that there was some resentment/jealousy/angst there. Especially if they lived near by. They will have managed to avoid that by saying "Well, MINT. She was ALWAYS like this. She just took it over. So let her. Not our worry. She wanted it!"
And now there is the estate. Let me say early on that you as Trustee or as Executor or Administrator have a right to be PAID and please see to it that you do. Let's don't trip from Sainthood to Martyrdom. I mean this. TAKE THE PAY.
Make a life with people not born of the blood, but totally accidentally: people you likely NEVER a day in your life would have chosen, but people you CHOOSE out of a knitting class, a book club, a gardening class, a volunteer assn, a library foundation, a Rescue, a Support Group, a Faith Based community (I could go on and on. And often DO).
There's no good answer. The memories we have of our siblings are usually memories of children. I remained exceptionally close to my only brother. Whether that was that we shared so many genes our teeth fractured on the same side of our mouth seven years apart, or just that he was a gay man who never found the life partner of his life. (Or did, but sadly he died young.)
So we were Hansel to Gretel in the dark woods of life, and I so wish you had either/or (Hansel OR Gretel.). My bro is gone now. And I miss the knowing that this ONE CERTAINTY I always knew but who is no longer there.
I am sorry. We can always just say you got it because you CAN do it and because everyone knows you are best at it. Lucky those who trip on the caregivers in life.
Wish them--the rest of the brood-- no ill. Or set up a private dart board of pictures. It makes no difference. I hope you have a good friend out there. At least one. And if not, do make one.
I wonder... maybe this is the actual story.
Thank you.
This is exactly the way I feel about my sibling. And it’s not just him, it’s his whole family. It took a while for my feelings of outrage to transfer from “how can they do this to mom?” to “how could they do this to ME?” I feel disrespected to the extreme. As soon as he retired he sold his house, bought a 5th wheel, and announced they were all leaving for Texas and then to explore the country. Before they left, my niece had the audacity to say to me after I said “So I guess everything’s on me and my husband now?” Her reply “We thought she’d be dead by now.” And then she said “Sorry, not sorry.”
She’s never spoken to me like that in her life. I always thought we were all close but something happened. I have no idea what. My husband and I have racked our brains trying to figure it out. My husband and brother were close and now it just all feels incredibly weird and uncomfortable.
It’s taken two years for this to fester in my mind and now I’m so pissed I can't see straight. He is now in town with that wife and kid of his because he wanted to have her “see grandma for the last time.” What a crock. I never told him what his daughter said to me. Hell, maybe she said it because they ALL felt that way. I have so far made three excuses not to see them. I think they got the hint and have stopped texting me. So now I’ve lost my dad, Im losing my mom, and feel estranged from what I assumed was a close sibling.
Same as you, I did everything: premade mom’s meals for reheating, shopped for her, cleaned her house, managed her finances, doctor’s appointments, got all the distress calls. You think they could take a little of the load off? Nope. The best my sibling could do before they all left was go to mom's once a week for an hour or so and install some overly complicated crap on her computer that she could never learn, and upgraded her satellite TV to some $200/month every-channel-on-the-planet when all she wanted was one channel and to watch Match Game. And guess what? I get a text alert of an outrageous bill from her TV service that she had ordered pay-per-view boxing matches, movies, you name it. It was all her. She had no idea what she was punching in on the remote because my brother left the channels wide open for her. Who had to take care of the mess? Yep, me.
My brother is the executor when mom passes away and I wonder how that’s all going to play out. He’s also POA for everything (I’m alternate) but he’s never stepped up to do anything. I made a HUGE mistake when my dad died. I should’ve handed him the 5-inch thick Living Trust binder and told him this was his. The crappy part is that my folks wanted to talk to him about all that but he just said “Ohhh you’re going to live forever” and he’d brush them off. They finally gave it to me because I was the one who sat down with them and made sure they were heard. I was the black sheep, he was the golden child and look how it all turned out in the end. I’m here taking care of everything and he skipped out. I’m surprised my dad’s hand hasn’t extended down from heaven and gave his numero uno a rightly-deserved smack.
Whew. That felt good. I hope my sibling doesn't come across this post. LOL. Oh well. "Sorry, not sorry."
So how’s everything now? Is the estrangement still there?
I'm very glad to see that you are more in touch with your very appropriate feelings that I was. I would sure do things differently if I had to do it over again.
I used to always tell people how naive I was when I was young and that no one could ever surprise me again. I've learned that being naive about family was the last wall I had to climb to truly be able to say no one will surprise me again.
I agree - it is funny how life turns out.
I delt with it because since my brothers chose to stay away meant there was nothing they wanted. My one SIL wanted some furniture and glassware. She came and got it. I took very little. My one daughter got my Moms pearls and anniversary ring. I don't think anyone knew about the pearls and think my SIL thought I kept the anniversary ring. There were 4 other granddaughters. None as close to Mom as my oldest. My youngest is not interested in jewelry so did not care. No help, then I make the decisions.
I cleaned out , cleaned , staged my parents house by myself to sell it . I had asked , and each sibling told me one thing to save for each of them . My sister then came with a truck and took what she wanted , furniture , antiques etc . I was planning on selling it all and put in my mother’s bank account for her ( she was in AL) . My sister left very little to be sold. I didn’t really care that much , however , my sister let my other 3 siblings believe that I had taken those things . She told them that I cleaned out the house . I should have changed the locks I guess .