Just...Grieving. How do you process this kind of grief?

I believe you. Something I recognize is that you are having to take care and you may be over stressed with all that you do. Have you thought of getting hold of Hospice to help you. They can help you through group therapy for grieving. It does not cost. Also they can be there when he is closer to death. You need some care from your Dr. too. The reason I am answering you is that in I went through 3 deaths with helping with care. For my sister and two brothers. I took care and worked out the medical expenses and visited. I had a husband and daughter at home.. I did get help from my Dr. and hospice. Please think of yourself to keep your strength . It is for you and your family that you do these things. I am sorry to hear about your father. I know he must be receiving good care.
May the Lord give you strength through all of this. Love to you. Jane

First of all it's very hard being an only child in this situation . I am as well and went through much of what you describe with my father before he passed. I also lost my father to cognitive decline years before his actual demise. I am now going through the same with my mother and it's been increasing by the day, where the bad days are starting to outweigh the good ones. It's certainly depressing watching our parents slip away . My mother was a scientist and was truly brilliant and her brain has vanished although occasionally she will surprise me with an acute observation or memory . . . I feel in a way that this process allows us to slowly and more gently come to terms with the fact that our parent is dying . Hang in there, you're not alone in this experience.

I am sorry to hear about your father's declining health. Seems at that age too often one thing (here UTI) ushers in more symptoms and conditions, a downward slope. It is sad to see this essentially sudden change of your Dad and the way you always knew him. I recommend you go mining. Sounds like a lot of his memory is fading, but see if you can get him to talk about different events in the past. Play music that he listened to in his youth. How did he meet your Mom? You may know all of this, but it might give him joy to "journey back" and mentally re-live some wonderful things. In this memory mining, get some golden nuggets of things you would like to remember. Also take a video of a video call.
(I'm curious why the police had to come at the 1st rehab facility. I can imagine a few scenarios.)
Yes, Anticipatory Grief. I was relieved that there was a name, a known label to the deep and growing feelings of sadness waaaay before my Mother died.
See if you can bring up something from the past that he might be able to e

Here is some great info from Whatsyourgrief.com. I edited it a bit to fit in this space.

Things to Remember When Dealing with Anticipatory Grief
1. ACCEPT THAT ANTICIPATORY GRIEF IS NORMAL. You are normal and feeling grief before a death is normal. This is a common phenomenon that has been documented for nearly a century. You are not alone!
2. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LOSSES. Allow yourself to acknowledge that, though the person hasn’t died, you are grieving. Consider journaling, art, photography, or other creative outlets to express the emotions around things like acceptance of the impending death, loss of hope, loss of the person you once knew, loss of the future you imagined, etc. Be aware of the many emotions your are coping with.
3. CONNECT WITH OTHERS. Anticipatory grief is common among caregivers, but unfortunately when all your time is consumed with caregiving you may feel totally alone and isolated. Seek out caregiver support groups, either in your area or online, so you can connect with others who understand the challenges you are facing, including anticipatory grief. 
4. REMEMBER THAT ANTICIPATORY GRIEF DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE GIVING UP.
Focus on what you are doing – still supporting, caring, loving, creating meaningful time together, etc. You are shifting your energy from hope for recovery to hope for meaningful, comfortable time together.
5. REFLECT ON THE REMAINING TIME.
Though what we want may not always be possible, do your best to spend your remaining time together in a way you and your loved one find meaningful. 
6. COMMUNICATE. Just like we all grieve differently, anticipatory grief is different for everyone. Keeping the lines of communication open with family members can help everyone better understand one another. If you are planning for the remaining time to be meaningful and comfortable, make sure to include all the important family members and friends in those discussions.
7. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Way easier said than done!! But it is true. Consider yoga, and meditation and other ideas of ways to take care of yourself. Remember the old cliché, you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself.
8. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM. Caregiving and anticipatory grief can be a long road. Do an assessment of your support systems so you know which people may be able to help you out (and who you may want to avoid!). 
9. SAY YES TO COUNSELING If you are feeling overwhelmed with the feelings of anticipatory grief.
(Check PsychologyToday.com for the most thorough lists of therapists.)
10. RELIEF IS NORMAL When someone dies there can be a sense of relief that is completely normal, but that can also create feelings of guilt. Remember that feeling relief after an anticipated death does not mean you loved the person any less. It is a normal reaction after a stressful and overwhelming time in your life.
11. DON'T ASSUME. Just because your loss was an anticipated loss, do not assume this will

You have a lifetime of super memories and the intimacy continues..The memories will stay with you all your life when He is gone. When you visit with him relate with all your warmth a memory. He will respond...try it when he does not know where he is. You are blessed with a lifetime of memories. When you are in the facility stay out of their Job of care. If you have run out of the outside stuff for your Dad you have done all you can. Sharing will crowd out a lot of the grief. One other and it is very important....if he is on hospice a chaplain is available to help you with this grief and remember grief will never stop as long as you are alive. Sometime in the future when he dies your loss of him will also stay with you as well..A Chaplain knows how to help you adjust to the hear and now and the future. A minister or Pastor is not trained to help in this way. So, you help yourself by a total focus in your Job out of the home. Sit down with your family and ask for their help to relieve you of "home stuff". When you focus on your job and then come home you can sit down in "your quiet time" and meditate and grieve. If you are a believer or if not say "help me Jesus"! Pray or ask the same for your Dad. Do this with your Dad. That is what God says many times in the Bible to do. It works..As a hosp. and hospice chaplain I have seen Jesus "help" many,many and for myself. It works. A minister can help you get into a relationship with Jesus. He(God) wants to begin a relationship with you and all you have to do is what the Bible says. Jesus I believe you died on the cross to pay for my sins and Jesus I want you to come into my life. He will!! When Jesus is in your life He can take you thru the day and you are focused on your Job. When you clock out your tired and this is also a symptom of grief and loss. Hit the "take me home" follow the tale lites (GPS) you will be suprised how much you do not have to think about. Get plenty of rest,feed your brain and body with the good stuff.

Raven1723....
I understand....yes, what I believe you are experiencing is what is known as "Anticipatory Grief"....and its a real bugger.
I was my dear, sweet mother's caregiver, we moved her in with us, no regrets on that at all....but, during her last months as she slipped further and further into decline, I slipped more and more into grief.....I became almost paralyzed by the anticipatory grief...realizing that I was losing her....and there was nothing to be done about it.
We had already got her out of the hospital...just brought her home.
But, I'm telling you, anticipatory grief is Grief!
You see the signs, you see their slow decline, and it is a horrible monster to live with, day in and day out.
I suggest, if at all possible, you go be with your father somehow. Just be there...that's what my mother and I did...we just spent what time we could, she in her bed, me sitting on the bed or chair.
No words are necessary...however, it's always good to share our true thoughts and feelings.
I'll hold you in my prayers, dear Raven. May God be with you. Shalom. 💜🕊💜

Acceptance. Some things you cannot change.
When mom died after 15 years of battling Alzheimer's--ironically it was her insulin-dependent-diabetes and consequent kidney damage that killed mom (10 years of Stage 3 kidney disease). Still her sugars were the least of her worries because I kept her sugars in excellent control (her A1C averaged 6). Still, in the end mom had to get a feeding tube because she forgot how to swallow completely (it was a last resort but I did not want her dying of dehydration which can take weeks). Yeah it took exceptional hard to work to keep her alive--and comfortable (on hospice for TWO YEARS!) that long with all that diabetes, hypertension (controlled) and high cholesterol (untreatable because of liver disease, and she could not tell me if she had side effects from any statin)..She died age 90, three months and though I read all about "preparatory grief" when it happens, no amount of preparation can possibly relieve the grieving. Not once did mom have to have any kind of psychotropics or narcotics and hospice did great supplying me with diapers, hospital bed, but I did all the work. Still they were there when I needed them.

I know your dad did not die, but it is still the same as having to bring about acceptable. We all die in stages until the eventual death. Once you were a baby..that person is long dead, and you are what you are now totally different due to the forces of CHANGE.

PEOPLE DIE. One day you will die. Keeping that in mind was the only thing that really helped me ACCEPT her death. People get sick, and have catastrophic events like a stroke or whatever that can force them to lose their independence. Those are forces of change. ALl we can do is take care of our health to prevent those things..but once it happens that's that.

The grieving NEVER stops.
The price of love is grief.

So how can you possibly stop loving the person even though they died. Mom died 1-1/2 years ago and I grieve a lot..but I carry on.

All I can say is try to keep up a schedule, follow a routine.
This is his new "normal" -- you cannot change that.

You need FRIENDS to connect with or support groups.
My best friend did much to help me carry on with the business of living after mom died because what other choice did I have? Crack up? It won't change anything. So I'm back to the work force and pursuing my Master's degree. Onward with the business of living. But grief will never go away. It becomes a part of who you are.

I do advise you if you have not already:

(1) Estate planning
(2) Get POA established
(3) Pre-paid funeral or cremation -- trust me when he dies you do not want to go through that because funeral homes will take advantage of you when you are most vulnerable.
(4) No matter what you decide to do, just make sure your loved one is comfortable. That was my guide throughout my mom's life. My mom had a very peaceful death at home, and I took the best care ever so I have no guilt whatsoever. She really was very comfortable all the years I cared for her. I sacrificed my life for her.

I wonder if you might be getting a bit ahead of yourself.

I went to a double-up call with one of my favourite co-workers this week; we had the same gentleman four mornings running, which is always nice because you can make some real progress in building confidence. He did so well on the last visit, and he and his wife were very happy, then as we were all chatting together she said sadly: "I wish you'd known him before, he was such a lovely man."

?!?

We looked from her to him, and from him to her, and said in unison: "he IS a lovely man!"

Your father is still your lovely father. And after the rocky road he's just had, five months is comparatively early days. It's not over yet. Don't mourn him while he's still in the room! (((Hugs)))

You can only control so much. Be lucky your husband is able to discuss your emotional plight, but no one can tell you how and when to grieve. Everyone navigates grieving differently and some do not grieve at all. I wish you luck and hope that you allow nature to go its course.

REMEMBER all the good times. And all of that will overcome the present day garbage. THE important thing is you get to be with him NOW whether via a phone call or in person. And don't let the medicos push you around... or keep you worrying.. best to agree with them and then ignore the big-headed ding-dongs.
Best advice-- enjoy what time you all have left. After he is gone-- do not live in anger or anything negative-- it will come but then acceptance is the eventual grief end product-- it will be rough-- always is because you DO love this human being-- alive or not. Remember all the good things-- send him post cards -- that you can afford to lose. And do try to go visit in person. Hopefully you are already vaccinated. Have a Happy Easter.

Have you considered that Dad may need a break from the face-time: 3 times a day? At times struggling to remember how to call you, or if he is in his room or not, he may rest instead, or feel a bit relieved to take a short break from his favorite daughter, not to let her down because he is sick.

This is not to hurt your feelings.

I am reading:
Jumping through hoops
Wrestling hard
Plowing through
Hiding the need to burst into tears
juggling
dealing

Taking a few short breaks can prevent burnout. You may be on the fast track for early burnout. A few quick breaks, deep breaths, and understanding is far better than burnout.

This is not easy, not less than what anyone is going through. You are going to be okay, and thanks for having the courage to reach out sooner, rather than later. 💞😢💞🆘🥇

Raven,
You are living it IRL, and it is painful. Painful and chaotic. It is okay to burst into tears. I will cry with you. When this first cry is over, I will dry my tears, wash my face, and distract myself, my thoughts, and go hug my dH. How about you? [[[[hugs!]]]] 🧸️ There is no such thing as rushing to any perceived 'finish line'.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote the 5 Stages of grief.
A person can be experiencing any stage at any time, and return to a prior stage.

1 - Denial. Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. ...
2- Anger
3 - Bargaining. Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. ...
4 - Depression. ...
5 - Acceptance.

Imho, you are experiencing anticipatory grief, but please remember to take care of YOU. Prayers sent.

You have a right to grieve; you are realizing the "truth" of his condition. Dr. Kubler-Ross outlined the stages of grief: 1st is disbelief, 2nd is bargaining, 3rd is anger, 4th is depression (where you are at), and last is acceptance. You need time to mourn the losses and process the new reality. I would suggest finding a grief group like GriefShare. Most of the participants are grieving the death of somebody who has died. In a way, the man who was your father has "died" and been replaced with a very vulnerable and frail man. In the meantime, do what you can to love the man your dad has become.

I think I learned to deal with it when I realized I couldn't fix it. You realize that your beloved parent will eventually die and decide to live the time you have left together with them in the moment. Instead of being upset by their inconsistent behavior or trying to bring them into your world, you release control for them to exist how they need to and just go with it. You try to find humor together instead of being exasperated. You save your sadness for your time alone. And yes, you do have grief for that loss. There is grief for any loss. I have always journaled and that helps me as a tool to understand my emotions without becoming a burden to someone else. When I went back to my journal 2 years after my father passed away, there were hints along the way of a decline that seemed at the time to be abrupt to me. I can still say I think the hospital and rehab made some mistakes but it wasn't intentional and we all did the best we could at the time. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to manage all that at a distance and during a pandemic, which is stressful enough. I find myself crying sometimes from the sadness of it all. Crying is a release and so is exercise. Be kind to yourself and know that your dad is lucky to have you advocating for him.

It's very strange for me too to grieve while my mom is still alive. Same exact experience with being cognitive then not, but she lives with us. This is pretty horrible to watch and be a part of but then I can't put her in a nursing facility because I won't be able to see her. (live in California). She can't move and doesn't get technology any longer, though she did at one time. Artist and avid reader, but she does neither.

I think though difficult grieving is normal and I just go with it. I feel like I have tears in my eyes all the time. My mom has been with us for five years and this last year has seen a complete deterioration of her in every way. She has been diagnosed with advanced dementia. My life revolves around her. I pray for this to end at this point. She is no longer the strong, independent, creative woman I have known and she has no quality of life at all.

Their is grief and sadness in watching any LO deteriorate and having to face the reality that he or she will not always be there.
You don't really "get over" grief, but you learn to live with it. Not that it needs to dominate your life. One "grief quote" I have heard is you "put your grief in your pocket and carry it with you."

Your father will probably never be quite who he once was, but he is still your father and you love him and you relate to him each day as that day presents itself. He will thrive or deteriorate on his own schedule, regardless of how much you wish your phone calls or facetime could dictate his condition.

It is good to express your fears and sadness to others who understand. I am glad for your father that he has such a good support system where he lives. If he is safe and generally happy, then he is in good circumstances.

My husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer on May 21st of last year. The drs said without treatment he had about 6 months. He’s had radiation to the brain, which had caused short term memory loss. He’s had chemo/immunotherapy every 3 weeks for 11 months. He’s lost his appetite, which means he’s down from 180lbs to 145lbs. His balance is worse, so he’s developed that shuffling gait so many elderly have. But he is only 69. I started grieving the day he was diagnosed. I have no idea how much longer he has. The cancer has responded well to treatment, but the treatment is killing him, just more slowly than the cancer would. I try to ignore it all on a day to day basis and pretend everything is normal, for both our sakes. But certain things startle me back to reality and the grief settles in again. This is the hardest thing I have ever faced. We are planning a 45th anniversary party in May, because we know we will not make it to 50 years. So the grief is there. The only way I can cope is to make the most of every day with him, to find something to make us laugh, to recount all the wonderful memories we share. And try to make as many new memories as we can in whatever time we have left.

In addition, we moved my sister to IL in December, due to numerous falls, and hallucinations and delusions. She has gone rapidly down hill. Now we are having to consider moving her to AL or MC. She insists she doesn’t have dementia and refuses to move or see a dr for assessment. The IL facility is ready to kick her out.

So I have all that to deal with in addition to my husband. Some days I just don’t want to answer the phone or get out of bed ! But I do, because my husband needs me and I need him.

Good luck going forward. The grief is real. Grieving for what is coming and what will never be, and all that is in between. I wish you peace and comfort.

You’re not whining. And you’re not grieving “prematurely.” You’re experiencing Anticipatory Grief, a very real experience. My dad was in Ohio and I was in GA. We left him there because that’s where his friends were. I stayed in contact as much as possible with some trips on my part. Sounds like you have no one who can hear you. Get yourself a therapist who is trained in grief work who can help you normalize and support you in the experience. I know what I’ve written is true because I have both the experience of a grief counselor for 35 years and also losing my father under similar circumstances as you. You’re not a wimp. Grief is a “tearing” within that words have difficulty expressing. You couldn’t be more normal considering your situation.

The grieving begins when the grieving begins, it's real, it should not be intellectually invalidated or undermined. We all have to keep telling ourselves the truth and create a realistic expectation about what the situation is and keep on going. Hope is hard to kill, and is an important emotion to keep us motivated and going, but, telling the truth will keep you realistic and grounded during this miserable passage, and it is miserable.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal and it hurts like hell. The only advice I have for you, based on my own experiences, is accept the fact he is older, he is ill, and we all have just so much time on the planet. Love him while you can and try as much as possible to think on the good things in the past. Grieve if you must - in your own way. You are not whining. You are hurting. And when you can, talk with him. The other days, just ignore them as best you can as it can't be fixed. I will pray for you. We all care and feel for you.

wow. yours is the story that will make some of us take a deep breath and be glad for what's on our plates instead of yours. I'm so sorry for what you're going through and covid complicates all these situations. And it is always a massive challenge to be a long distance caregiver. Getting help, and advocate or a geriatric care consultant comes at great cost..When do you next plan to visit? I'd get all the info you can prior and get some plans in place for someone to serve as a surrogate in you absence to relieve some of your burden. I'm sure as caring as you are some of the stress is coming from your not being able to be sure of what's going on and if he is well taken care of. Most cities have a long term care ombudsman and they may be able to guide you. And if you haven't yet, you might want to consult with a certified elder law attorney in his town. They often are a wealth of information and may do a consultation or some of the essential paper work for a flat fee instead of hourly. Take good care...I'm living under the same roof as my elder parents and my wanting to do an A-1 job resulted in a total shock of getting ill and having emergency surgery for an aorta that dissected. Translation: if you think your life is challenging now, just throw a medical crisis of your own, along with the expenses insurance doesn't cover, into the mix and then try to do what you were doing. How has dad adjusted to all t his and his living arrangements? Might he just as easily adjust in your town? I too would be concerned about his missing friends...but since it sounds like he has many and they are close, can they be players in this game and help in any way? Take good care. And btw, look up your local alzheimer's assn. They have support groups and you might be surprised at what a resource the groups and the assn can be.

A good cry is very helpful..those emotions will wear you down are very stressful do cry you will feel much better. My guess is your father is more lucid in the morning. Keep your face time limited to morningtbe both of you will feel less stress and the positive will be given and tsken. Also you will be able to see when his lucid time is almost at an end for the day. Keep your face time to mornings and longer time when you see his mind shutting down don't call again til the next morning. One face time call a day to dad. Other calls to caretakers. This will help your stress and anxiety. Also it will be helpful to him no stress trying to remember who he is talking .the caregivers have been trained they know what to do to relieve his stress..it is hard on people whose memory is failing they know it is happening. And your keeping him with friends and caretakers whom he sees around him And may not remember their names but he will remember their face because he sees them every day is a good thing. If you take him from the familar he will go down hill faster than you can say scat. Gooduck to you and enjoy your morning chats. Been there done that.

You are not whining. When a loved one is no longer there cognitively, we feel a great loss. Even though the person is physically there, he or she is not the person we have known all our lives. I went through this as well. I lost my Dad five or so years ago. He was a high functioning individual all his life, and worked as an engineer for NASA during the "rave to space" and then as a nuclear engineer. It is certainly a loss when you then see him not remembering who you are and not able to even dress himself. I lost my mother a year ago, and she also had been a very bright and high functioning, artistic person. Again, in the final year, she did not know who we were or even what period of her life it was. So, yes, you absolutely are justified in feeling grief over the loss. Just try to remember to be there for your Dad. No matter what day he thinks it is, be there for him as if it is really that day and make it the best you can for him. I know that is hard when you are not able to be in the same place as him, but do your best to bring happiness and comfort to him. Look for a book called "Moments of Joy." It helped me.

I am so sorry to hear what you and your dad have been going through since October! My otherwise physically healthy mom with dementia was in the hospital with Covid at the end of the year, 2020. After a month in the hospital and a month in rehab, she is now back in her AL facility, now hooked up to O2 full time. The lack of O2 made her dementia worse, and b/c of the dementia, she’d take the O2 cannula out of her nose, not understanding why it was there. I was dealing with doctors, therapies, O2 folks, none of whom communicated with each other, so I, a non medical person had to coordinate everything. It was making me crazy as well for several months. So I get it!

A couple of ideas: the pulmonary doctor advised a nebulizer machine to help open her lungs. This allows her to get more O2 into her lungs, which has also helped the worsening of her dementia to some degree. Another huge thing was getting her into long term hospice, which takes care of Everything! This has allowed me to be my mom’s daughter, not her medical coordinator and social worker. I will always be her advocate, but they have given me a tremendous peace of mind.

I hope for the very best for you and your beloved dad. The suddenness of his decline is very hard. Hospice (which is for the whole family, btw) has helped my mom stabilize, and has taken the care/coordination burden off of me, so that I can be more available for my mom. The social worker, as part of hospice, can also be there for you to help you process through your grief. All the very best to you and your dad!

I understand...this has helped me a lot. Sign up for daily grief emails... https://www.reflectingonmemories.com/grief-and-healing/ LOVE AND HEALING

Dear Raven1723,
there is a thing called anticipatory grief. It is a well documented thing and is the mourning process ( with all it's emotions) for mourning a person that is still alive but no longer the person we knew ( my totally non-professionnal attempt to explain it). Google it .
I hope it can help naming things and help you in your grieving process of the dad you knew before.


p.s In french it is called " deuil blanc" ( that would translate to white mourning".

You never grieve
You celebrate

First, whine and complain all you want (though I don't see any whining or complaining from you here) no need to apologize. Second please don’t minimize your feelings or your burden, who’s to say what you are doing, being your fathers full time caregiver from a physical distance isn’t harder than being his full time on site caregiver where you get to see, touch and spend time with him everyday? Everything we talk about and experience here is based on individuals, no two experiences or reactions exactly the same but so much can be similar that we share in hopes that our experiences will help others.

I think you are recognizing what is the hardest part of all of this for all of us, at least it is for me, the loss. I say recognizing because IMHO we all experience this but we don’t always recognize or acknowledge it and grieving loss is very hard when your in the middle of crisis as well as when the person is still alive. Like your husband many of us don’t consider “grief” as being something you experience prior to death even if we can see the loss. Hope that making some sense. I experience the loss of parts of my mom all the time, even while counting my blessings and enjoying the laughter and love I enjoy with her at the same time. My mom, as much as she wants to, is no longer capable of taking care of me when I’m sick but she still worries so while it added on more thing for me to worry about rather than the one less it would have been in the past, I made sure I dropped in via her Echo throughout a recent surgery of mine and took heart in the fact that she was still Mom enough that’s she was worried and making sure I was ok with lots of “I love you”’s.

You are taking care of your dad by knowing it’s best for him even though it might not feel best for you, to leave him in his hometown, by doing all the decision making and coordinating from anther state to care for him and taking care of both of you by communicating with him every day and doing that as close to in person as humanly possible. Your even taking care of him by not dropping your life and managing that juggling act but make no mistake just the function of doing all of this is beyond hard, the emotional toll of watching him slip little by little from the physical and mental rock you have always known impossible for many of us. I admire your strength and self awareness, it takes a special person and probably a special relationship to be able to live in the moment, pain and all not everyone can do this. I like to think the more I let myself sob for the loss when I need to the less regret or second guessing I will have when Mom does leave this earth but I don’t have any illusions that it will be an easier road just a more freeing one perhaps for both of us as I also try to let her journey go where it needs to go and accept it, help her be ok with it, rather than fight it and keep her the way I think I want her to be.

I have to say men do think differently than women. I feel its better for you to cry & go THROUGH the emotions to get on the other side. There may be many times that you see a change in your father & need to say goodbye. Just 1 day at a time & try to focus on the positive🤗

I do a daily meditation on calm.com. Look it up, you can get a free 7 day trial, there are meditations for all kinds of grief, stress and anxiety issues. I also attend a monthly grief group. Seek support from any groups in your area or orbit, they are helpful.