My parents are long past the point of living safely at home and need for more live in care than they have. I've largely moved on but today, my coworker died at a young age from septic shock. Her daughter, now 28, is of course, distraught. They were very, very close and I thought, "My coworker would have done anything to avoid putting her daughter through this trauma. But this was an unavoidable tragedy that no amount of preparation could have stalled off." That got me thinking about my parents, who are basically refusing to get off a road leading to tragic deaths - perhaps simultaneous ones. So I called my mom and calmly (For real...I was so calm and even wrote a script ahead of time) told her about my coworker and said, "You’ve told me many times that if you die before, or if you both die tragically together, “That’s your problem.” And “don’t feel sorry for me.”
I just want to make sure you understand that getting more help or moving to AL isn’t All ENTIRELY about dad. Or even you. It’s also about your daughters and doing what’s best for them. When two people die tragically together, or if you die first and we have to suddenly move dad, that puts additional trauma on your children. Many older adults don’t want to do that to their children out of love for them. From what I can gather, your top priorities are your husband, your house and living alone. I just want to verify that because for many people, their children usually rank up there in the top three too." And here's the "aha" moment. She said, "We worked our whole lives for this house. It's what we want." I said, "Then stay in the house and get more help." She said, "I don't want that." So I said, "So what you're saying is that you worked your whole life for a house that you want to live in alone with dad and that matters the most...some people work hard their whole lives to have the love of their children at the end." And she said, "Well...I'm not one of them." And I guess that's true! I'm glad she admitted it. And now I can stop trying to get them more help. Case closed. I'm going to go for a walk now, pick up my kid from school and walk back to our house, which I'll happily move out of one day so my kid doesn't have to go through this crap.
Just because we carry the same DNA as someone else doesn’t mean we “fit” with them or them with us. Believe me, I have one child who would take care of me even if it killed her and another who has already moved and left no forwarding address!
Even though I would never consider, not for a millisecond, expecting an offspring to take care of me, they may feel some obligation within themselves, just because of their nature. It’s my job to make my wishes crystal clear while I can.
This discussion has spurred me to get off my duff NOW and make sure there are no ambiguities in my children’s minds about what I want, and to get those arrangements made and set in stone.
I know I’ve pulled this off center a bit but thank you for lighting a fire under me.
You just have to let Mom live the way she wants. There will come a time when she winds up in a hospital and is told that she is 24/7 care. Thats when u say No I can't do it and she ends up in a NH for the rest of her life a ward of the State because she made no one her POA. My friend passed away at 70yrs old. Before that, she had barrated me in a VM about not offering her a ride to a class luncheon. Since I had no idea what she was talking about, I tried to call her back. No pick up, texted, no response. Ended up, it was not our class. I know a mutual friend told her that. No call to apologize. I chose to go no contact. I did send her books and cancer caps and talked to her once before she died. If she had apologized, she would have had at least one friend being there for her.
That did not work, because (a) we actually loved our parents and (b) most such communities do not provide humane, compassionate, adequate care.
I ended up - admittedly by my choice - moving across the country to care for my significantly impaired mother who was financially trapped (via a life-care contract) in a "care center" that's modus operandi was IMO "institutional neglect." I spent over 5 years with her daily (on average 8 hours/day) to ensure she had some quality of life. I do not regret it one bit.
Lesson: Do not expect an institution to provide the kind of care and love you would want for yourself or a loved one. I recognize people may not have a choice - practically speaking. But if you love your relative or friend, please do your best to spend as much time as reasonably possible with him or her. Just a regular presence of a guest or guests will put the facility on notice that someone is watching and will very likely improve, at least a little, the care the resident receives.
It won’t be easy to stand with your back to the train wreck (listening to it from a distance and knowing what it means). I wish you peace in your heart as things unfold.
As hard as it is to watch the train wreck , I’ve at least gotten better with accepting that I can’t always force help for those that refuse help . Very hard lesson for a “ fixer “ like me , who was groomed to be a people pleaser and caregiver .
Op’s mother does not want anyone other than family to help , so things don’t feel as different in life as it would if they had a hired live in caregiver .
As a daughter, I can hear and feel your frustration and heartbreak. As an aging mother, I can also feel hers. I can hardly believe that at my age I’m only now realizing how complex and fraught with danger this mother-daughter thing is! I was expecting smooth sailing in my golden years for both of us maybe?
Please don’t give up on this or on your mom. It’s HARD to be her and oh so hard to be you, too. This isn’t over; there is so much left for both of you. Eventually everything is going to be reduced to the most elemental level and all the details are going to fall away.
Sorry if I sound whoo-whoo, I’m really not that way at all. I’ve been reading a lot on this forum lately about mothers and daughters because my own mom turns 90 this month and it’s stirring up things in me that I need to process and deal with. It’s a good thing…I think, but not fun.
And I suspect that and mixed with and aging brains, brings out all there bad quality and makes them even worse.
Let's call her M. (For Most entitled person ever)
M loved her house. A big house. Nice area. Hard won in a divorce. "Never ever going to leave my house.. but how will I manage as I age? The costly maintenence? The garden upkeep? Or when I need personal help?"
Expected her children to come fix this, fix that. Pay for it too. Why? Because she was their Mother.
M refused the idea of paying for anything. Refused the idea of 'strangers' in her house. Expected all costs & all labour to be met by her children.
I said you'll either have to change your mind (if you want to stay in your house longer). Learn to trust people. Or not, & stay stubborn. Become a decrepit in your dirty clothes & dirty house.
M argued her children would HAVE to come & move in to do it all, cook, clean, look after the house & her.
I knew, but asked again "What jobs do your grown-up children have?" Farmer & Army. Right. Both married with their own spouses, children to raise & households to manage. One working fulltime on their farm. The other serving Overseas.
M hed little interest in their lives & zero empathy that her actions may be hard on them. She said "That's why you have children".
I must enquire what ever happened to her.. I wonder.. eeking out an existance in the one heated room of her house eating crackers..?
This is honestly a huge favor to us, and to accept that, this is just life
I figured this out when mom wouldnt put me on her emergency contact list for her doctors and was thinking, is this love, I do and do and jump and bring her to all her doctors appointment.
Ya know , it was a huge favor, because now I can say no, without the guilt.
I can call mom, and not loose it, in complete panic because she isn't answering.
I can let go let God, now because I have zero control, so I just help when I can and I breath, I enjoy life, and I have fun, without mom in the back of my head.
I think you to will see that she is doing you a favor.
Best of luck
Because well and surely I may have responded the same, as I said below.
I guess the OP is allowed to decide to come to her own conclusions for her own life; we all do.
We recently tried to have a conversation with my MIL discussing “ wants vs needs” . We also discussed the fact that she has no plan in place of where to live to get assistance that she needs when she gets worse , or suddenly lands in the hospital and can’t go home again . We told her , that her lack of planning would put undue stress on my husband .
She does not care . She “ wants to stay” where she is . She makes no plans for POA , and will not give up driving ( she recently had a fender bender that was her fault , making a right turn at a stop sign ).
She has been told many times about drawing up POA papers and that if she does not , she could likely become a ward of the state .
We are brought up to look out for our elders , but some of them believe that means to prop them up in their homes . I am done with feeling responsible for stubborn elders safety , even though I was brought up to take care of the elders .
I don’t think that these parents don’t love their children . They are afraid of changes . My MIL does not want to leave her friends at her condo . She tries to ignore the inevitable . She will not make plans . We have tried to discuss it multiple times . We will not anymore .
She plans on flying to Florida . We have told her not to expect us to get her back to NY if somethlng happens while she is down there . She is very frail and falls all the time . I have let go of feeling responsible for her . My husband says that too but we shall see when an emergency comes around . I have learned to say “ No I will not support that “.
My parents moved to care long before they needed to, and they entered "a village" where they started independently driving, shopping, living in a duplex, transport on call when called. Then to "apartments". Then my Mom alone to ALF same place. Then to their care center. She and my Dad made it clear ALL THEIR LIVES that their children were NOT to care for them act for them etc. and they always showed us where everything we needed for end of life was, cleaned out stuff, kept things in order.
Had your parents been like THAT they would always have been. ALWAYS. And would have had POAs done, Advance directives, instructions and so on.
I have done this for my daughter as well.
I WILL say this, as an 82 year old, vital, walking shopping and etc. that I DO wish to stay in my home as long as possible. That I would "prefer" to leave feet first. My partner 84 feels the same.
You say they may "die tragically". My daughter may feel the same. SO WHAT?
We ALL die and it is NEVER PRETTY and certainly it isn't in ALF/LTC, etc.
I more and more and more think that those who collapse and die in home without being able to summon help are the LUCKY ONES. Why live on another year or two in care.
The fact is that our kids will have to deal with stuff. If we are wealthy at all they will have to deal with a whole potload of stuff, hopefully enjoying what they can of it because if they get stuff the paperwork will be worth it.
You pushed and you pushed. You won't let this alone. You shoved Mom into the corner and you heard the worst you suspected. Not the TRUTH, but what gets said when you push someone into a corner.
Trust me. Your mom has her own fears. But she has also loss upon loss upon loss upon loss. From head to toe she loses things every single day. And now there is the daughter on the phone with her insinuations equating her choice not now yet to move to a lack of love for her.
I am not really surprised hon. I think you pushed too hard. You attacked her. You didn't say "You know mom, I am not there yet and I can only guess at all you are feeling. I know you must be scared sometimes stuck there doing it all. I know you don't want to leave your home. But I WORRY ABOUT YOU. I have to be honest, it would be such a load off me if I could know you and pop were more safe. Will you REALLY never consider leaving. I don't know how I would live with a disasterous thing where you collapsed from all you do, couldn't summon help, and Dad collapsed right over you. I am so worried".
That's the script I would rather you had written. I don't think it would have left you feeling unloved.
And I am guessing here. I don't know mom and dad and don't know you, but I have a sneaking suspicion, peanutty, that your mom DOES love you. I think she is ALSO peeved at you. The one doesn't preclude the other.
My heart out to you truly. If it were me I would call and say "I was feeling desperate with worry for you two, mom. How can we make you safer? Would you let me install a camera in the home? Something. I am afraid for you. Forgive me for equating all this worry for ALL of us with love. I know it doesn't figure in this equation".
Mom loves you, girl. But this is tough stuff. And she's in the midst of it every second of what life she has remaining.
All in my humble opinion. I could be wrong. I am all too more near your mom's circumstances than your own.