What to do about Christmas when my hubby and I and parents live apart?....and keep everyone happy.
OK, it is my turn to ask this group for help. For those who do not know....I live 5 hrs from my parents. My Dad was placed in dementia unit last January and mom, with her own dementia beginnings is alone at home, in same town. This is our first holiday season living this way, and Thanksgiving was awful. I felt bad that we left Dad alone, but I drove down to Tucson and brought Mom back here for Thanksgiving. Hubby tolerated her, because we had friends here for dinner too and it was only 4 days she was here. She whined and cried about being away from Dad the whole time, but, then again, she wouldn't stay there by herself to go be with him during the holiday because she hates being around 'those people' and finds fault constantly with the place he is in. NOW...Christmas....she wants me to bring him up here with her! I said NO...I cannot do 24/7 care plus her and hubby too....and it's not good to move him to strange location for days. Hubby doesn't want her here by herself either. She's a real pistol to have around because everything is about her, and she's like a puppy dog who constantly follows me around and wants me to give her undivided attention. My parents and husband have never gotten along and he's spent years being nice and tolerating them at holidays and other visits. He won't go to their house because we cannot take our dog and Mom has too many 'rules' in her home. She is very OCD about life. No shoes on in the house etc. Super cleanliness...Hoards food and other stuff and doesn't cook. Anyhow....he won't go there with me. I want to support him, as he's got his own health issues and is currently being worked up for early Parkinson's disease, so he's got a lot he is dealing with. HE says I should just go down there for Christmas and spend it with both of them and leave him home alone. BUT....he doesn't do well alone for days either, especially when 'snowed in' during winter. I was unhappy myself not being with Dad at Thanksgiving, thinking these are likely his last holidays, and even if he doesn't remember after the fact, he will remember at the time that he is alone and others have family around them and wonder why we or Mom are not there. So, I don't know what decision to make. IF I go to get her, I have to bring her back on the 20th as she has an MD apt on the 19th that I was going to go down at attend to with her. Otherwise, I come back for a couple days and then go again to get her. Of course, then, cannot take her back until the 26th or 27th....so 6 or 7 days here and hubby doesn't want her around all that time. And all that will happen is the 3 of us sitting around here together, as all the other family....2 daughters and their families, live out of town. Holidays were tolerable to him, with my parents around, when we had the girls and husbands and grandkids coming from one side or the other. Of course, Christmas for me, at her house won't be fun either except for being able to be with my Dad. I would want to spend lots of time there with him....and do all the facility celebrations because she won't have anything special going on at her house. She will attempt to undermine that time with him though, cause she always does. In reality, even though she is in the same town with him, she cannot bring herself to spend more than an hour a day visiting him. She treats it like visiting a pt in the hospital.....yet whines constantly about all the things they do wrong there. She won't deal with her own issues, expects me to phone them and fix all her issues with them for her!! She doesn't like it there and won't eat with him or go and stay any longer than an hour. It is so frustrating and I am at the end of my rope here trying to determine how to make a decision. Please share your thoughts to help me!
Oh, sorry, you were serious? No no no, then: it can't be done. Joannes, what would make you happiest (short of the unattainable everyone else being happy)? Do that.
If you want to go down the week after and celebrate your "own" family Christmas, then do that. Why get hung up on the actual day? It's more about the feelings of love and joy and family. So find some love and joy at home on the actual day and then go share it with your mom and dad on your own timetable. And quit worrying about what other people think of you. You're doing the best you can for the ones you love. That's the most anyone can expect from you and the most you should expect from yourself.
Would he consider going to stay in a motel (that allows dogs) near to your parents? Is your Dad fit enough to go out of the facility and behave reasonably in public? Could you take him to mother's house and have the meal there? You may have to buy the meal pre cooked from a supermarket to save yourself the hassle of Mom's kitchen. Have the meal together then take Dad back to the N/H & hubby to the hotel. Take Mom home and spend a little time with her and clear up the food. Go back to the N/H and spend time with Dad. If both parents will behave in public have the meal in a resteraunt. It can be anytime on Christmas Eve or Christmas day.
Learn from Thanksgiving and don't bring anyone to your house,
Let Mom go to her appointment on the 19th on her own and drive down on the 22nd or 23rd. If your hubby may have Parkinsons he certainly does not want to be around demented people and reminded what the future holds for him. You can spend lots of time with Dad if hubby is content to be in the hotel watching TV.
You could arrange to have your own celebration at new years and invite the kids and their families which they will enjoy without grandma and you both will be less stressed. I hope you have learned from this that there is no way Mom is coming to live with you if you want to stay married. Many facilities celebrate their holiday meal before the 25th so maybe you could join Dad for that. I think there are more options than were apparent at first sight. Mom won't be happy whatever you do and you need to spend time with your Dad even if he does not remember it.
My MIL is at Mountain View assisted living, but there are some NHs that aren't too good. (We checked out several.)
What were your parents plans for when their health began to fail? Your Mother's lack of planning can't be considered an emergency for you. It sounds like you have done your best. You can't reason with your mother (mine is 94), so enjoy Christmas and don't go to Tucson.
I'm just not feeling in any sort of holiday spirit this year, its worse than last year. Please just January hurry up and get here already! BAHHUMBUG!!!!
This might be the one time to take your husband at his word and spend Christmas with Mom and Dad. If your husband is starting to get sick, you will never again want to spend time away from him. This is the last time.
You are easier to move than either parent. If you go by yourself, you can stay only as long as you like. You will have done your duty for all future holidays.
Hope my contrary opinion helps you decide what you want to do!
It is a lot of driving, but that is what I would probably do.
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